Story: One Foxy Dame

"Normally the gentleman invites the lady," I said. "But my gut tells me there ain't one thing about this case you could call normal."

“Oh, perhaps our journeys are more entwined than I imagined. The Fates do have a sense of humor about that.”

She offered her arm, and I linked mine with it. How a lady that skinny didn’t break her arm just picking up her purse was a mystery I don’t think I can solve. In any event the two of us went inside. It felt like we weren't so much walking into the lion's den as its gaping maw. I'd never seen someplace manage both austere and dingy at the same time, yet here we were. It was poorly lit with numerous seats dotted around at a fair distance from one another. At the head of the room was a podium, with a curtain behind it.

As for the other people in the room you could tell from their body language they were the lowest of the low. Hunched over, watched you like they were trying to figure out if you were predator or prey. Show a glimmer of weakness in this crowd and you'd be eaten whole before you knew what was happening. Of course, the animal metaphors came naturally, mostly because they were all wearing masks.

Lions tigers and bears oh my, each goon sitting down had a different animal on their face. I suddenly felt naked and vulnerable, which is the feeling a detective enjoys the absolute least. I counted a dozen, all told. More than enough to rip our arms off should the mood take 'em.

"Shouldn't we be wearing masks too?" I asked.

"Why?" the 'good' Lady asks. "I enchanted us both with a glamour the second we walked through the door. They won't have any problems recognising us, detective."

Right. Which made me wonder why she was giving each of those goons the evil eye, one in turn. Toss in the way she phrased that last sentence and it made me wonder if they couldn't recognise us, but she could pick them out of a crowd on the other side of a foggy street at the dead of midnight.

"Right," I said. "They won't recognise us."

The Lady smiled, and it was like realising that I was worried about the piranha in the tank when there was a shark on my arm. "If you're good tonight detective, I might share the list."

That almost sounded like a threat. But whatever. We sat down at a table in the corner, which wasn't too difficult. It felt like there were more corners than flat surface in this room. Every table was secluded, for the sake of privacy. Makes sense. Run an auction that might not be entirely legal, you'd want your customers to feel, ah, safe enough to spend dough. Safe from the men in blue. Safe from each other. Hell, come to it, safe from the fine folk running this establishment too.

“Would you like a drink?” The Lady Valentine said, “They’re offering, and nothing like a little alcohol to get the money flowing.”

"Outta my pocket and into theirs," I said, while my traitorous index finger tapped the menu. "Well now. Looks like the show's about to start."

Another man in a mask walked up to the front of the stage. Thin guy in a pinstripe suit. Arms freakishly long. On closer inspection, wearing lifts to make himself look taller than he really was. Funny thing, he was wearing the same sorta mask the rest of them were, but his looked like a generic guy. The sort of face who, if you described him to a police sketch artist, would likely draw a blank wall. The very definition of nondescript.

"Ladies, gentlemen," the man in the human mask said. "Welcome to our private auction. It is, as always, a pleasure to see some familiar faces - Ah, a private joke for a private auction, please do forgive me. The ground rules are simple enough. The slightest trace of violence will be dealt with harshly. To bid on any item, raise the card on your table and loudly - clearly - announce your bid. All new bids must be at least two hundred dollars greater than the previous, and no more than one thousand higher than the last. Don’t want the game to end too quickly, after all.”

Right. Makes sense. Those kind of restrictions might make them tip a little over their limit in the nature of competition, but if someone pushes too high too fast there's a higher chance they'll bow out. Slick psychological manipulation. Though what did I expect, this place was probably running longer than I've been alive.

The first item was brought out. A painting. More to the point, a <i>stolen</i> painting. I'd seen it in the newspaper this morning, lifted from a collection. Well, well. They didn't mess around in this place.

"Opening bid is one thousand dollars.” He said, and it took all my willpower not to shout. They were <b>starting</b> with that much dough!? Almost immediately a goon in a rabbit mask raises his card, and then the bidding war started. It was like watching a fox hunt, where all the dogs had been starved for a week. Somehow I doubt Aoi would appreciate that metaphor but it was what it made me think of.

"Hmph, mundanes," Lady Valentine shook her head at the furor all around us. "They vie so hard for a mere painting? If any of them thought to ask, then I might fancy to create them indistinguishable copies."

"The value is in the rarity," I whispered.

"Really?" she said in surprise. "It should be the other way around, surely. The more common something is, the more valuable it must be. Why on earth would anyone have it the opposite? That's just common sense."

It is? Trying to figure out her brain sounded like a job in itself. Doubt anyone would hire for it. Might not take it if offered. Decent chance the best detective in history could get lost in there. The bidding ended - the painting went to a man wearing an eagle mask - and then the next item was brought out.

"A gold necklace, worn by no less than Queen Victoria. My bidding starts at ten thousand dollars."

I might have blacked out about there. Ten thousand dollars? So that painting had just been an appetizer!? Was this stupid thing the main course!? Look at the gems on that thing, any one of them alone would have me set for life!

"How tedious," Lady Valentine tutted. "Look at them. Magpies. Pecking at shiny baubles. They would not recognise real treasure if it grew teeth and bit them on the nose."

"That happen often in your line of work?" I asked.

“Only when dealing with Fairies.”

There was that smile again. Maybe not a shark. Maybe a megalodon. Either way, I'd just noticed something funny.

"Mister Elephant Man hasn't placed a single bid," I said, nodding over towards him. Sitting and quietly watching the stage with his arms folded. All of a sudden, Lady Valentine wasn't bored no more. "Everyone but us and him has placed a bunch of bids by now. Not him. Interesting, right?"

"Yes, indeed detective," Lady Valentine said. First time I'd heard her have a small trace of respect in her voice. "I honestly hadn't noticed that. Well done. I suppose it might help to have a master of the mundane around to observe such matters."

Why do I feel like a dog who just got called a good boy for fetching a ball? Mickey seemed to agree, cause I heard him whimpering under the table. Right there with you, fella.

"Our next item is a candelabra with an extremely unusual design. We shall open with five hundred dollars."

Well that felt like a major step down after the last two -

"Five hundred dollars," Lady Valentine said the instant bidding opened, flipping her card up so fast it sounded like a gunshot.

"One thousand five hundred," Mister Elephant said as soon as she finished speaking.

"Two thousand five hundred," Lady Valentine said as soon as he finished.

It went back and forth like that for a little bit, to the point the two of them didn't even put their cards down after a while. Wh-what the hell? For a crummy dented candelabra that looked like a goat's head?

Also, a funny thing was going on with the other bidders. I saw at least a few of them try to get a word in edgewise, place a bid of their own on an item they probably intended to ignore until all of a sudden a pair of lunatics wanted to get their hands on it really super bad - But whenever they did, either Mister Elephant or Lady Valentine would wave their free hand in a freaky way and they'd either seem to fall asleep or suffer a mysterious coughing fit.

"One hundred thousand dollars," Lady Valentine sniffed. The Elephant Man's hand wavered for a second... and he put the card down.

"To the Lady with infinite pockets," the auctioneer slammed down his gavel. You've never seen such a refined lady be so smug about winning such a crummy prize. "Next up Is a rare stone from the Orient. Called the Hightosinotaama. We will open our bid at one thousand dollars.”

Until my dying day I won't know why I chose that exact moment to take a swig of booze, cause it wound up getting sprayed all over the wall next to me.

"My goodness, is this some kind of mundane tradition?" Lady Valentine asked. Did I detect a hint of sarcasm in there? "Whatever is the matter, detective?"

"That item, you gonna buy it?" I whispered.

"One thousand dollars," Mister Elephant bid.

"Why should I?" Lady Valentine said. "An item like that, especially a foreign item, is of no interest to me."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was there. Right there, with Mister Elephant quickly outbidding everyone else putting in any amount. I could tell her that it would help her get the fox she was after - but that would mean she'd hold onto it tighter than a clam.

More to the point it made me re-evaluate what had happened the last round of bidding. That gem is some kind of magic thing for Aoi. So...

"Excuse me," I said to a passing waiter. "What happens if the winner of a bid defaults on their winning bid?"

"The offer is made to the runner up, on their last bid," the waiter said. Thought so. Lady Valentine just got played. Drive up the price of that previous item - which Mister Elephant probably provided for this purpose - so that any rivals seeking to buy magical items don't got enough dough to buy what he's really after. If he wins the bid by accident, default on it and let it fall to second place. Whoever he was that was a shrewd customer behind that mask.

Of course, it was likely moot anyway. Lady Valentine didn't seem to recognise the value of that particular item, and probably had infinite money anyhow. Still, coming up with that kind of scheme meant he wasn't someone you could underestimate... Throw in the possibility of knowing magic too and -

"You know, Mick?" I whispered to the dog. "Really hoping I wake up sometime soon and this was all some lousy dream. I would hate for this all to be real."

1. Meanwhile, Aoi is meeting with her boss.
2. Romeo tries to convince Lady Valentine to give Mister Elephant's real name, so he has a lead.
3. Romeo decides first he needs to figure out who sold the gem <b>to</b> this auction house before anything else
4. Something else