Alright then. Nothing else for it. She had a plan. She was going to stick to the plan. Then something wacky would happen to throw the plan into disarray, and she'd have to pick up the pieces - For a moment there Akane accomplished true genre savviness, but then - alas - the moment passed and she concluded that she was being paranoid and there was no rational reason for her to be concerned with her scheme going awry.
"Nabiki, today we begin Operation Okonomiyaki With a Side of Egg!" Akane said. "Our end result is -"
"Using the egg on Ukyo and making her your <i>bitch</i>!" Nabiki excitedly said, leaning forward on her knees like a dog wagging its tail.
"Yes!" Akane said. "I mean, not that last part. Ukyo’s not going to be my bitch. She’s going to be my friend.”
"But she'd be a good bitch..." Nabiki whined. Again, sort of like a dog would beg for food. "Alright, sis. If this is what you want then I'm in."
Of course she is. It's not like she has any kind of choice in the matter. With the matter of that annoying oni dealt with Nabiki was once again perfectly obedient to Akane. Just how she lik- Just how she needed her to be to make sure that nothing ruined her’s and Ranma’s relationship.
"So here's how this is going to go," Akane said. "Right now, Ranma's spending the day with his mother. They won't be going anywhere near Ucchan's today."
"Unless Ranma, in a moment of total lunacy, forgets that Ukyo is also technically engaged to him and gets the bright idea to introduce his mother to his 'best friend'." Nabiki nodded.
Shit. He might actually do that. No, no! Ranma was dense, but even he wasn't <i>that</i> bad.
Ladies and gentlemen, please don't forget to check with your Doctor in case of Genre Blindness. Each year, Genre Blindness is directly responsible for thirty thousand cases of 'wacky hijinks' across the globe. Don't let it happen to you. This has been a paid paragraph, by absolutely nobody because who in their right mind would pay for an advertisement in the middle of a smutty comedy fanfic? That's right. A victim of Genre Blindness.
"Anyway! Once we've got Ukyo nice and cornered, I'll order in her special," Akane said. "To prepare her special, she needs ingredients from the bottom shelf -"
"Actually, she moved those to the top shelf the other day!" Nabiki interrupted.
"Screw it, I'm walking in, pointing at the ceiling and egging her while she's distracted," Akane huffed, tearing up her long and detailed plan. Never one known for patience, this girl.
“You know if you tell her there’s some yen up there that might actually work…” Nabiki said.
<hr>
Man, how did she ever get by without Konatsu around? Having an extra pair of hands on deck was exactly what the restaurant needed. It didn't hurt that Konatsu was super easy on the eyes, which lured in plenty of horny - by which she meant hungry - customers.
"Mistress Ukyo!" Konatsu gushed, leaning in a little too close for comfort. "Isn't that quite a lot of flour you're using? We can't waste any, it's extremely expensive."
"It's ninety six yen for a bag," Ukyo said, blushing and slightly leaning away from the pretty male kunoichi in a maid uniform.
"Ninety six whole yen!? How exorbitant!"
Oh right. Konatsu's sense of money was kind of the downside here. Konatsu had absolutely no idea how much money was actually worth. On the one hand that made paying him extremely easy. On the other, it meant that trusting Konatsu to actually do anything involving money or food was forbidden. Which in a restaurant setup like this, that means the only thing Konatsu was allowed to do was stand there looking pretty and show people to their seats. Two things which Konatsu did <i>very</i> well.
Phew. Weird. All of a sudden she was feeling kind of flush. It couldn't be, could it? Was she becoming attracted to Konatsu? Nah! Don't be silly! She was destined for Ranma Saotome, not -
"Mistress, your face is flush, are you developing a temperature?"
"Guh?" Ukyo burbled as, without warning, her vision was overtaken by the extremely close and extremely pretty face of her newest employee. Who was pressing his forehead up against hers.
And then the door opened up, prompting Ukyo to push him away so she could give a big warm greeting to... Her immediate rival and her big sister, coming back two days in a row.
<i>Interesting.</i>
"Hi Ukyo!" Akane said. "We didn't get the chance to finish our conversation yesterday."
Right. The two of them had come in yesterday, but wound up having to leave in a hurry before they could properly finish anything off. Weird, now that Ukyo was thinking about it these two didn't usually travel together like this. How had Akane managed to corral Nabiki two days in a row? Must be paying through the nose for something like -
"Konatsu, what are you doing?" Ukyo asked. What indeed? Konatsu was standing by with a breadstick in both hands, wielding them like they were daggers. Standing behind the counter, looking around and all over the place.
"I am defending you from enemies, all three of you," Konatsu said. "All of a sudden I sensed evil intention. An enemy ninja must be preparing a devious attack, but I am ready to defend from all possible avenues."
"That's nice and all, but you're scaring the other customers," Ukyo said. "Go empty the trash, then wash your hands. You're getting all jumpy about nothing."
"Right! We can deal with any enemies ourselves!" Akane said, flexing her bicep. Konatsu meekly put the breadsticks down, and then dashed off to the back. For her part, Akane reached a hand into her pocket. "By the way Ukyo -"
"Done!" Konatsu said.
"Huh? Done?" Ukyo grunted. "You've taken all that out back and washed your hands already?" Indeed, Konatsu held her his hands. They smelled of lavender.
"I could hardly leave you alone when there's an enemy on the loose!" Konatsu sternly said. Cute! He was so innocent and yet so cool at the same time! Ukyo shook her head. No, no, no! It's Ranma that you like, girl! Give her that pigtailed booty any day of the week! "I sensed its evil intentions flare up the instant that I left the room!"
As adorable as this malarky was, Ukyo was really hoping to get down to why the sisters had come back, and it was pretty clear to Ukyo that they weren't comfortable talking in front of Konatsu. Well, fine. She could send him away on a wild goose chase. At least for long enough to get some answers out of them.
"That reminds me," Ukyo said. "I left my enchanted battle spatula somewhere in the attic. If there's an enemy about, you'd better go fetch it."
"Yes Mistress!" Konatsu said, then he was suddenly replaced by a cloud of dust that smelled of an assortment of flowers. She might never get used to that.
"You have an enchanted battle spatula?" Akane asked.
"No, I just wanted to get rid of him for a bit," Ukyo said. Then, she pulled her actual battle spatula out from under the counter. "So? What'd you two want? You're both being pretty cagey today for some reason."
"Well..." Akane began, once again fingering something in her pocket. While staring up at the ceiling. Ukyo's own gaze trailed up, and then -
"Mistress I couldn't find your enchanted battle spatula!" Konatsu interrupted.
"Then keep looking!"
"But I did find your enchanted battle egg whisk!"
Sure enough, Konatsu was wielding a rather large, oversized egg whisk which had little yellow butterflies dutifully flitting about it, radiant energy spilling out of it, a heavenly choir tracking its every movement, and a trio of what looked like gnomes circling around Konatsu's legs bowing and praying in abject, unquestioned reverence.
“When the fuck did I get an enchanted battle egg whisk?”
“The night after Miss Akane’s wedding, you were very drunk and found a sales catalog Mistress.” Konatsu knelt in front of Ukyo and held it flat in her hands. "Behold, the mighty Eggscalibur."
"...Excuse us one second," Akane said, tugging Nabiki towards the door. Not that Ukyo really cared. Her mind was still reeling with questions, so many questions, about this giant egg whisk that she'd suddenly acquired and also the gnomes chanting and bowing in a circle around her -
"Get lost! I'm trying to run a business here!"
<hr>
"Okay, so Konatsu's a bit of a problem," Akane said feeling a mite frantic all of a sudden. "Who could have guessed, the Genius Kunoichi that comes along once every hundred years might prove a problem in letting the girl that he worships who is also his boss get hypno-egged."
"That sounds exactly like what I would have said, sis!" Nabiki gasped. "Except, without the sarcasm. I would have been <i>so</i> sarcastic, you wouldn't believe it."
Right. Well, Akane wasn't exactly in the mood for subtlety right now. Not after yesterday's hijinks.
"Do whatever you can to get Konatsu to go on a date with you," Akane commanded. "That ought to get him out of my hair long enough to egg Ukyo..."
"Mind the egg-whisk, sis!" Nabiki said, but she dutifully saluted and marched right on inside.
"Maybe... I should have been more specific?" Akane wondered. She looked to the ground and frowned. "That was a pretty open ended order. Who knows what kind of hijinks and mischief Nabiki might get up to because of that? It was pretty badly worded... Especially since Konatsu was obviously sensing my intention to use the egg. I should really be more careful in future, she might get hurt if Ukyo or Konatsu - "
The door opened, and Nabiki was leaving Uchan's with Konatsu hand in hand. The kunoichi was in a tuxedo(?!) beet red, staring downwards and babbling semi-coherently. "Well I mean, I suppose you make a good point Miss Tendo I really should get to know my way around town better, but I mean, you and me, and that was a little too much don't you think but it would be rude to say no but then again we don't really know each other all that well and so..."
That was about the sum of what she caught. Blinking it back in confusion, Akane stumbled back into Uchan's to ask what the hell that was... only to find Ukyo standing behind the counter, same shade as Konatsu, staring at a wall and twirling her hair around her index finger.
"I mean that was kind of cute the way he seemed so flustered, but Ranchan is way hotter and besides Nabiki might be able to teach him the value of money but then wouldn't that mean it was terrible to throw those explosives at the wedding well I guess that was a bad thing no matter how you slice it but Nabiki did make a good point and so..."
... The fuck happened in here exactly? No. Never mind. Akane fingered the egg in her pocket and licked her lips. This was it. This was her best chance. While Ukyo was distracted... It would be time to eliminate a rival once and for all!
- Suddenly Ranma and his mother pay a visit.
- Nabiki and Konatsu return from the date much sooner than expected.
- Someone else interrupts.
- Ukyo defends herself from the egg
- Akane manages to egg Ukyo without incident.
- Something else
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