There's a common problem that comes up with settings that are supposedly based on modern day real world which happen to have magic in them. Namely, why isn't magic a known about everyday part of everyone's life? Most writers make use of what is known as the masquerade, the pretense among magically inclined to keep the truth hidden from the rest of the world because -
Uh. It would be bad. Really does this need explaining? Well, fine then.
Because look at what happens when Magic is pretty common and available. You get nonsense like magic springs that change bodies, dozens of random trouble making spirits sealed in easily openable boxes. Paper dolls that can control people with just writing? Can you honestly tell me that someone finding out about one or more of those wouldn't scream "YOLO" and dive in with eyes wide open?
Then there are the writers who gave no fucks. Theirs was not the place of drama or intrigue that secret magic would naturally invite. Theirs was the place of farce, slapstick, and a sense of humour/characterisation that really lends itself to smutty fanfiction.
In this world there was wild magic, and... everyone kind of knew about it, but it was more like "My brother's friend's uncle apparently found a door into his own dream" sort of knowledge. It was there, you could see the effects of it, but it always seemed to happen to someone else.
Unfortunately it seemed as though the Tendo dojo and those that lived there were 'someone else' to a lot more people than you'd think. The Saotome's curses, Akane's badge, and then... Then there's… <i>Happosai.</i> A person who’s name can not be said without sounding like you’re about to vomit. Where this man walks mischief follows. He's the exact sort of person who would yell "YOLO" as mentioned above. He'd spent his life... well, he'd spent his life harassing women, but second place would be... harassing his students. But third would be deliberately and maliciously acquiring all manner of magical trinkets.
"Ah, such a shame! Such a shame!" Happosai said, shaking his head. He held aloft a bracelet with three peculiar protrusions, each one a different colour. "After I found this trinket among my silky darlings, I can't find the perfect lady to hand it to as a token of appreciation."
By token of appreciation he actually meant bribe for the chance for a quick feel.
"That would make quite the token of appreciation," another voice said. A woman, about as old as Happosai, and about as tall as well. "Perhaps I would be to your taste?"
Happosai leaped ten feet away, and turned around to face his opponent. Who was, of course, Cologne resting atop her cane. The two diminutive elderly martial arts powerhouses stared at one another. In a Western, this is where you hear a whistling tune as the two sized each other up, daring the other to make a move.
"I don't know whose type you'd be, but you're not mine," Happosai said, sticking out his tongue and pulling down his eyelid. "You're not even a cougar, have a little shame."
"You never did have any sense of self awareness, Happosai," Cologne said. She dove in, and her fists blurred. "I should have known you were around. Son-In-Law's father reeked of your training, yet I only see it now."
"Son-in-law?" Happosai asked, his own fists blurring to match hers. "Ah! The advanced form of the Raging Tochinomi Fist Storm? Could it be….” He jumped back away from her, “Lotion! It’d been a while! How’re the kids? Don't tell me, has Ranma beaten one of your grandchildren in a fight? Lucky lad!”
"It's Cologne, you buffoon!" Cologne patiently corrected. "And yes, that boy would be quite lucky, my Shampoo is quite a catch. Now, hand over those Joketsuzoku treasures you stole."
"Stole? Me?" Happosai feigned shock. "I was gifted those by several of your lovely fellow villagers."
“You robbed them out of spite when none of them would have sex with you.” Cologne said, “Dance of the Forbidden Swan!” A blur of spin kicks and punches.
"Well, it's their fault for crying to your Elders to change the rules to make me an exception," Happosai sniffed.
“You never beat me in the first place!”
"I beat you in that card game."
<i>”Card games do not count.”</i> She pulled out several knives, “Wings of the Overweight Raven.” A level of projectiles that would put Mousse to shame filled the air.
"Blegh!" Happosai stuck out his tongue. "Time to make use of the evolved form of my student's favourite technique! Oh, how glorious it is as a teacher when you can learn from a student! Happo Antlion Spinning Sandstorm Retreat!"
Happosai began to spin in place really fast, kicking up a hell of a lot of sand. Before long he had vanished from view, leaving nothing behind but a shadow frolicking off into the distance.
Several people who had been watching gasped in awe, and some applauded. “Wow!” One kid said, “Where’d you learn all that Grandma?”
“I just made it all up on the spot.” Colgone shrugged, “I’m not stupid enough to use any real techniques against him without knowing I can take him down in one shot.”
“Great-Grandmother!”
“Oy, Old Ghoul! We found a guy you’d like to meet!” Two new voices came from behind the crowd.
“Ah. Time for one of Son-in-Law’s harebrained schemes.” Cologne said with a smile. "This should, at the very least, provide an entertaining distraction from encountering that old pest."
<hr>
Needless to say, this was not an entertaining distraction. If anything Cologne was feeling a bit of a headache coming on.
"You wanted to set me up with Happosai."
She'd killed people over less.
"So, you've heard of him huh?" Ranma said, breaking eye contact to look at the ceiling. His tone was of one that matched a swindler, who had just learned his mark had heard of this con before. Like Grandmaster, like Father, like Son. Well, at least the boy had <i>some</i> semblance of a conscience buried underneath all that. "Darn. Kind of thought that would get you both out of my hair."
"He means, uh, make you both happy?" Akane offered, a little nervously.
"Well, never mind that for the time being," Cologne said. "What matters for the time being is that we retrieve a certain item that old pervert has in his possession. You see, he had the gall to steal a number of items from my tribe."
"Aiyah! And he's still alive!" Shampoo gasped. "That old man no joke if he still alive!"
"Indeed, he's not," Cologne admitted. “Happosai is the most unkillable creature I have ever met.”
“My dad buried him under a several ton boulder in a cave with several hundred pounds of TnT.” Akane said.
"We tried tossing him to the Phoenix Tribe with a note tied around his neck disparaging their bratty leader," Cologne said. "He came back the next day lightly singed."
Blank stares. Ah, yes. The Phoenix Tribe wasn't all that known about. Honestly, Cologne wasn't sure they even existed anymore.
Meanwhile out on the beach a certain woman sneezed, having been left with the feeling someone was talking about her or something related to her.
"What's so special about this bracelet anyway?" Ranma asked. "Sentimental value?"
"Oh, dear me no," Cologne said. He clearly didn't understand the urgency of the situation. "The bracelet has three pills embedded into it. Each of them induces a love spell on whoever swallows one."
"How would you know that?" Akane asked with her hand raised. "I mean, if you swallow one it causes the spell, and then it's gone. So how do you know that's what it does?"
Cologne tapped her hard on the head for interrupting and then continued.
"When one that has consumed a pill sees someone of the opposite sex, they will fall in love. One pill is 'momentary', and will wear off in seconds. One is 'day' and will last a full twenty four hours. THe last is 'lifetime' and will last until the day you die."
"So you're sitting in the afterlife going 'oh man, what was I thinking?'" Ah yes, that was the young Mister Ukyo Kuonji. Quite the snarky response. That deserved a reward: A double tap to the noggin. "Ugh! A-anyway, I guess it makes sense that Happosai is the worst kind of person to have that kind of thing. The mischief he could get up to with that..."
Something shot out through the air from the other side of the room, going directly for Akane. Cologne moved to react - but Ukyo was much closer. Slower, but the distance made all the difference. He put himself in between it and Akane - resulting in something shooting right inside his mouth.
"Ukyo, are you alright?"
"I'm perfectly fine," Ukyo said, suddenly sweeping Akane off her feet, dipping her in a quite romantic pose. Oh, how cute. And helpful to her cause. "Have I ever told you how beautiful your smile is? It is as though I am watching the sun rise over the ocean, or a new okonomiyaki batter recipe sizzle to perfection on the grill."
"Hahaha! It works! It works!" Happosai cackled from his hiding place in an octopus pot. Appropriate, given his nickname in the village. He hopped out, and scooted out of there as fast as his little legs could carry him, which was quite a lot."
"Ooh, Ukyo make too too cute couple with Akane, yes airen?"
"Hmph! What do I care?" Ranma huffed. He sidled closer to the pair, staring into each other's eyes. Ukyo with adoration. Akane, like a deer in the headlights. "Uh, hey Uchan? You gonna let go of my fiancee anytime soon?"
Pop! A little cloud burst over Ukyo's head, and it was as if he realised what he'd been doing. "Uh, sorry Akane. Don't know what came over me," the beet red boy said.
"It's - it's fine," Akane gulped. "Though, it's weird. I thought the pills made you fall in love with someone of the opposite sex?"
"... He is of the opposite sex," Cologne said. Everyone else stared at her. "What? Did I say something weird?" And not on purpose? Though she didn't say that, it would ruin the bit. Though this really was confusing her, why were they reacting that - Oh. Her eyes narrowed. "I see. Perhaps... It makes you fall for those of the gender you are attracted to."
"Or Akane's so much of a tomboy that -" Ranma began, only to get mercifully silenced before he could make that extremely stupid and insensitive comment.
"Alright, now that your antics are out of the way, and Ukyo's reaction to the 'moment' pill has run out, can we please focus on retrieving the love pill bracelet before Happosai makes some poor girl his love slave?"
- Tldr, no they can't focus on that
- Happosai is off making plans
- Akane thinks of a way to use her badge to help out
- Shampoo is already scheming
- Something else
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