Story, Patreon Request: A Guy's Pride and Joy

Let it not be said that Genma Saotome didn't know how to take care of himself. He had all the survival tricks down pat. He could find a safe place to sleep, he could set traps, he could even make a campfire and roast himself up a nice bit of caught meat. Or he could put together something a little more yummy, if basic. Like - off the top of my head - some dragon's whisker broth which might well have the side effect of - again, just for example - making his hair grow back.

Which was what he was in the midst of preparing out here in the middle of the street, crouched over a boiling pot with a strand of hair clutched in his hands, a wicked smile upon his wicked face. This was it! The moment of truth! He made to drop the whisker -

"Genma! How thoughtful of you to make a broth for your master!"

It’s remarkable how Genma’s wretched, evil, perverse, ancient old master managed to without fail pick the perfect moment to ruin people’s happiness. It's only natural though, Genma had learned a lot more from the old pervert than he'd ever care to admit.

Normally Genma would cower in fear before Happosai's might, but not today! Today, he was taking a stand. This wasn't about some girl's underwear, this was about something more serious than that!

"I won't let you take it," Genma said with surprising confidence. His battle aura flared up. A pale imitation of Happosai's, and yet he didn't back down. Was it foolishness? Bravery? Well, knowing Genma it was probably the former mixed with bullheadedness. "The dragon's whisker is mine!"

Happosai, for his part, twirled his pipe around and stared Genma dead in the eye. "Brave talk coming from a stupid cowardly panda."

"We'll see!" Genma yelled, and unleashed his most devastating attack. Prepared with care for a clutch situation like this. "Panty storm!"


Across the air a dozen or so examples of feminine undergarments flew through the air, in every colour of the rainbow. Panties, bras, garter belts and more, drifting slowly down to the ground overhead. Normally this sight would make Happosai go frantic, gathering them all up while prancing happily around. Revelling in the silky darlings.

Yet not today! Today he continued to stare at Genma and the whisker in his hand with a burning intensity.

"If you know what's good for you, you will hand over the whisker now!" Happosai warned, seemingly unaware of the divine treasure surrounding him. "I'll recover these silky darlings later on! This won't distract me at all! Nor will this, or this, or this... or this this this or this..."

Needless to say Happosai's' resolve hadn't lasted all that long before he'd started compulsively gathering them into a bag.

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If Akane could summarise this entire situation in a single word, it'd have to be 'nope'. Ranma's already kind of big dick was growing to inhuman proportions? Nope! Genma and Happosai and a bunch of onion-like monks were fighting over the magical thing that made his dick grow? Nope, nope, a hundred thousand million nopes.

It compelled her into action. Pushed her to run through these familiar streets like she never had before. The feeling of Ranma's growing dick pressed into her butt stirred feelings within her that she would deny ever having, but they pushed her on nonetheless. Distance would clear her head. So long as they searched out for that stupid panda she wouldn't have to concern herself with - with!

Against her will she imagined it. Genma Saotome. In panda form. More penis than panda. She turned a shade of green that was last seen the last time she'd made Ranma lunch. But it did give her yet further motivation to find that -

"Master, you will not take my last chance at happiness with my wife!"

Guuuuurgh, she could taste her lunch coming back up. There they were. Happosai and Genma, arguing over the dragon's whisker. The two of them were jumping around far faster than she could keep up with - though she was able to at least see them. Of course both of them would be quick shots.

"And I will not let you take away my chance to get women to throw their underwear at me for a change!"

Oohhhh, definitely her breakfast now. Darkness started setting in around the corner of her vision, and a word started to fill her mind. No. No. No...

"No you don't!" Ranma Saotome, girl form, yelled and leaped into the fray. That snapped Akane out of her impending berserk mode, not that she knew that was on the verge of happening. She leaped in, scooped up the broth and the dragon's whisker in a single go while the two tiny dicked old men (Akane was assuming) were too busy trying to prove themselves to have the bigger dick, and behaving like dicks in general.

Got a lot of penis on the brain today. Whole lot of penis.

"Me see whisker and broth!" a ridiculous Chinese stereotype cried out, and a different one from usual. Cue a motley group of onion like monks jumping in, spinning a rope and claw over their heads. "Me steal!"

They threw out the claw aimed squarely at the bowl, which Ranma let them take while she tied the whisker around her pigtail.

“No wonder they want it, they can’t perform at all.” Akane found herself muttering.

"Looks like Happosai's grabbed the whisker," Ukyo said. Oh, she was here too? Akane hadn't even noticed her arriving. "Man, Mr Saotome sure can move when he wants to, I didn't even see him grab that stop sign."

"The monks seem to have figured out the broth doesn't have the whisker yet," Akane said. "Not that they stand much of a chance with these three around."

"Happosai just tossed Genma off into the horizon. That's the last we've seen of him for a while."

"I give him a minute, he's hard to get rid of," Akane groused. "Oh, looks like Ranma's put a pot over his head to keep Happosai away from the whisker."

"Give over big dick formula!" the monks cried, clanging a ladle against the pot over Ranma's head. Well, that's her bell well and truly rung. Ranma stumbled over and wound up tipping the broth over herself, while Happosai tossed the pot away and grabbed the whisker.

"Oh, this has to stop!" Ranma said.both Akane and Ukyo were suddenly keenly aware of one simple fact. This was no longer girl form Ranma. This was boy form Ranma. Without the whisker. As the boy stood up a very prominent bulge formed in his trousers, swelling down and down and down. What they didn't see was his hair having a similar fast rate of growth.

"Ukyo I'm scared." Akane said, unconsciously holding onto her romantic rival.

"Me to," Ukyo admitted. "But I want it soooo badly!"

So did Akane but there wasn't a chance in hell she was admitting to that. Her eyes were glued hard and fast to the growing lump as Ranma leaped around, venting his frustrations about this whole cockup. Hard to blame him. This situation was a cockamanie series of events, snaking off in so many prickly situations, the tentpole around which was the hard long fact that Ranma had to deal with a lot of bollocks in his life.  He'd been given the shaft so many times. It was a bunch of baloney that he was stuck dealing with this mess.

In short, this entire mess sucked dick.

Watch both girls and - well, you've heard of the male gaze. This isn't a really good example of the female gaze, but it is what people who don't understand the term would think it is. Their heads and eyes moved in unison, as though there was an invisible thread tied tightly between eyes and the bulge in Ranma’s pants. Nothing else mattered in the entire universe. Neither of them could help but wonder. What did it look like? What would it feel like if they...? While Akane tried to contain her already burgeoning lust for Ranma's penis, Ukyo was silently resolving to make riding that a number one priority.

Meanwhile, the fight raged on, and would soon come to a messy and sticky climax all over the place...

1. Ranma finally notices his penis is growing.
2. Ranma remains oblivious. Somehow.
3. Cologne shows up to help put a stop to this nonsense.
4. Same as above but she's here to stoke the flames.
5. Something else