Story: Akane the Half Alien

Would you like to take some time to consider how ridiculously hot Lum is? Stupid question, I know, but it does set us off on the right track. Lum may be an Oni - read, demon or ogre - but make no mistake she is cute as a button. In spite of the sharp fangs she spontaneously grows when suitably upset, her smile could melt ice and her eyes could relax a rampaging bull. She had luxurious long green hair that shimmered in the light of Earth's sun, providing an exotic lure for the eyes. Then there was her body. Oh yes, her <i>body</i> was simply flawless by human standards, and even among a few alien races. When considering the typical fashion for unmarried women of her species, that makes sense: You'd better have a body to flaunt if you're going about in a bikini! Well, Lum had that to spare. It was as if someone had crafted the ideal woman's figure and put it in a tiger bikini. Lum knew it. Lum was proud of it.

Yet Lum couldn't get a certain pervert to stare at her for more than a second tops before he looked away, even if looking away meant all he was staring at was a spider on a nearby wall.

It was frustrating. In more ways than one. It hurt her pride, and oh Lum had plenty of pride to spare. More crucially it was frustrating her in a more lustful sense as well. It frustrated her and frustrated her and frustrated her until all she could do was yell 'Darling' and shock everything within about ten feet of where Darling happened to be standing.

So yeah. Lum was in the mood, and Ataru was too damned stupid to recognise a good thing when he had it.

It didn’t help that she had seen how her cousin had won the lottery with love! Akane and her cute fiance were always having these little romantic moments. It was clear they had a strong, secure relationship. While Lum was stuck trying to get the unstoppable force to finally stop beating his head against the immovable object.

"Darling!" Lum called out. She was in a pose that would make most men fall to their knees. Reclining with her leg arched up just so, her head resting on her hand and the other hand tracing a circle around her fit stomach. "Oh, Darling! Where are you Darling?"

Lum flicked back her hair and pushed her chest forward. Heh. She'd found some Earth swimsuit magazines hiding away in Darling's room, and had been practising some of the poses. Her first instinct had been to destroy them or throw them away, but... no, that would tip her hand. Instead she'd get him this way. By replicating what he found 'sexy' and 'appealing', she'd make sure he understood that she was able to give him what he wanted and then some!

Soon enough she saw him sitting on the edge of the beach, his back to her. She recognised him right away. That hairstyle, that posture, there could be no question! Lum immediately drifted over, then snaked her arms around his head, landing in his lap. "There you are Darling! I've been looking all-"

His head came off and a flag shot up. It had a picture of Darling on it, sticking his tongue out. Only now did Lum realise that this was not flesh, but wood. A dummy Darling, left as a distraction for her while he got up to his normal mischief!

"Oooh! That boy!" Lum huffed. She shocked the dummy, causing it to burst into flames. Shortly afterwards she was doused in foam that shot out of the dummy's chest. "Oof! Why can't he be this inventive and smart in class?! He'd pass every time, and Onsen Mark would leave him alone!"

On consideration that brute might not actually leave a hyperactive troublemaker like Ataru alone no matter what score he got in tests, but still. Lum wiped the foam from her face and flew up into the air. "Darling!" she called out. Hrm... Maybe she could use this foam to her advantage? Yes, that could work. Take off her bikini, use the foam to cover herself up... Then scoop up a little water from the ocean to wash it off, letting him realise how serious she was... It gave her chills just thinking about it! "Darling I - Oh no, he didn't!"

Lum was looking down at the beach in shock and horror. It seemed as though Darling had been busy. There was a legion of them down there. Row after row, column after column of Moroboshi Dummies.

"How did he even have time to do this without anyone noticing?" Lum asked, genuinely amazed. "I mean, it's not like he could have smuggled them onto the island and we only got here an hour ago! Where did he find the materials? How did he..."

She rubbed her thighs. Weird. This train of thought was probably the one and only time in history someone got horny off of considering logistics. A-Anyway! She couldn't waste time here. If these dummies were all set up at the beach that had to mean that Darling was off committing mischief elsewhere. Which meant that she couldn't -

"Hold still, you pigtailed menace!"

Looking down, Lum saw Akane's fiance stop moving, hold up two fingers, and catch Mendo's sword with an ease even Darling would envy. Phew! Akane dear, you hit the super jackpot there.

"There, I held still!" Ranma said.

"Let go!" Mendo said, trying to pull his sword away. I mean, what did he expect to happen next? Even Lum closed her eyes in anticipation, though she did wind up openign them up ever so slightly, which let her see Mendo tumbling backwards. The rich boy rolled along the ground up until he hit one of the Darling dummies.

"Moroboshi! How dare you get in my -" Mendo began. "Huh? What is this? A legion of Moroboshi dummies? On my private beach?! Why, this could only mean one thing!"

Uh oh. Here we go. This couldn't be good. Mendo was in a bad mood as it was, but reminding him that Darling existed in the same reality was like dousing yourself in hot sauce, adding five different spices, putting a bun on your head, wearing bread shoes and then skipping gaily into a cage containing a ravenous pigtusk devourer that hadn't been fed since brunch. All you're going to do is upset absolutely everyone involved. Especially yourself, and secondarily the ravenous pigtusk devourer's colon.

"My staff have set up training dummies so I can practise beheading him!" Mendo laughed. His sword swung down, and sliced a dummy's head in two. "Haha! Take this! Take this! No dodging this time, Moroboshi! Hahaha!"

"Man, the rich really do live in their own little world..." Ranma said, perched atop a tree branch much like a cat. This gave Lum the perfect chance to really look this boy over.

He was... handsome. Not <i>Rei</i> level of handsome, but at least a tier or two below him. That was <i>super</i> impressive by itself. Throw in that athletic ability and that sense of humour... Lum was honestly and sincerely feeling jealous of her cousin. They must have such a fairy tale romance.

Why couldn't she have a romance like that with Darling?

"Oh, I guess I could always just... ask my cousin," Lum said. Yes, that was the perfect plan! Lum flew off over the island, quickly finding Akane sitting down and chatting with Shinobu. Slightly annoying that she'd have to deal with that human girl as well, but by now Lum was pretty sure Darling's ex wasn't trying to get back together with him, so...

She flew down with a big cheery smile. "Hi girls!" Alright. Now all she had to do was smoothly enter the conversation and gently guide it towards her desired topic. "So Akane, any hints you can give me so I can seduce Darling?"

Perfect. They suspect nothing.

“Have you tried walking into him in the bath?” Akane said, her tone sounding almost sarcastic. Which was silly because there’s no way Akane would be treating such a serious problem lightly! “That’s how I met Ranma, mostly.”

“Crazy alien mating rituals.” Shinobu muttered under her breath.

"Crazy human mating rituals..." Lum muttered under her breath. Both girls remained fully oblivious of what the other was saying. That being said... Maybe that was the problem? Maybe Lum had been going for things from a poorly understood understanding of human culture? Akane had managed to use that to seduce Ranma, so maybe it would work with Lum? "So, tell me about the first time he told you he loved you."

“I was dressed up in a kendo uniform and Ranma was trying to encourage me to beat my opponent with the power of his love as a cheerleader.”

Worth noting that both girls were now imagining male form Ranma dressed up in a cheerleader uniform. This image would carry through to both girl's dreams tonight, and probably for the next couple of weeks.

“Crazy alien mating rituals.” Shinobu muttered under her breath, though she was smiling.

"Crazy human mating rituals..." Lum muttered under her breath, mentally adding Ataru into her own version of that image. "What about your first kiss?"

Akane frowned at that memory, “Oh god it was the time he was a cat, he kissed me in front of the entire school. Then curled up in my lap and meowed.”

“He can turn into a cat?” Shinobu said.

“Well, only when real cats are around.” Akane said. "Uh, it's not really like he turns into a cat exactly, it's more like he sort thinks that he is one? It's a long story, and he's pretty embarrassed about it. Don't let any cats get near him."

“Crazy alien mating rituals.” Shinobu muttered under her breath.

"Crazy human mating rituals..." Lum muttered under her breath. But hey, if it works it works. "Any other advice? I'm having a lot of trouble working out the best way to seduce a human boy."

"Seducing a human boy?" another voice interrupted. "A girl with that body is having trouble seducing a human boy? Truly, this is an ill omen."

All three girls turned to look... upon the most hideous face they had ever beheld. It was an old monk in a striped bathing suit sipping on a coconut drink. All three girls immediately felt their attraction to all men decrease by a good half just from him being in their presence.

"If you want my advice, your best course of action is to look inside yourself and reflect upon how your desires are causing you and others suffering. Then having achieved enlightenment -"

"Uncle! There's a vampire haunting a barbecue two islands over!" a woman's voice called out.

"I must go! I am needed elsewhere!"

And then the old monk vanished from sight. Good riddance. Now a woman sat by them, a woman who put all three of their figures to shame, which honestly said quite a bit.

"So you want help in seducing Moroboshi?" the woman, Sakura, asked. "Very well, Miss Invader. It is my sacred duty to help you in this time of need."

"Because you're a priestess?" Shinobu asked.

"Because you're a fellow woman?" Akane asked.

"Because you can see darling and I were meant to be?" Lum asked.

"No, no, no. It's because... if he's hooked up with you he'll be too busy to hit on me or anything else in a skirt!" Sakura said. She raised her fist into the air. "I don't understand the appeal at all, but if you're willing to take this bullet for all womankind I won't stand in your way! Now listen closely girls, this is how you seduce a man!"

Now recall that Sakura had not actually done much dating, being far to sick for most of her life to actually socialize.

Now, would you believe it if I said that Sakura then proceeded to give even worse advice on the matter than Akane? If so, good! You've been paying attention.

1. Shortly, Ataru Ranma and Mendo find themselves the <s>targets</s> victims of Sakura's advice to the girls.
2. Seduction can wait. There's a panty thief about!
3. Or we can go to the all you can eat contest.
4. What is Ataru up to anyway?
5. Something else