Story: Spring of Drowned Porn Star

 

When you get right down to it, porn is a funny genre. It pretty much boils down to one basic idea - the primary focus of the work is sex. Erotica. Banging. And not just any banging. No, no, it can't be sloppy it can't be clumsy, it has to look good. The aesthetic appeal is at least as important as anything else. You can have porn sci-fi, porn fantasy, porn thriller, porn comedy - but pure undiluted porn pretty much boils down to two people meeting and getting kinky, which is nice and all - but often the viewer craves more. You see? It's a funny genre because it's no more a genre than the word 'ish' is a word. It's something that transforms a word, and that's really all there is to it.

Now, Ranma flicked back her hair. Which was perfect, thank you very much. Note that porn stars usually have immaculately maintained hair, thank you very much. The aesthetic is God here, including over things like common sense and narrative flow. Literally everything going on is an excuse to get to the banging, which is why porn dialogue is usually so clunky.

"It's so nice to meet such... charming, pretty young girls," Ranma said flirtatiously. "It would be my absolute delight to have each... and every... one of you as my wife."

You can feel the bad acting, can't you? Now, as a writer I have to be careful here - I'm treading into Mike Myers territory, where he often makes fun of himself for being unfunny. This can result in people noticing that you're not very funny, which isn't something a comedian usually wants. Still, please bear with me and do remain cognizant of the fact that I'm not actually that bad a writer. Honest.

"Oh, that's quite charming of you to say," Kasumi said. Ugh, see what I mean? Her using 'charming' when Ranma just used it - I feel disgusted with myself. Luckily that feeling fades quickly on seeing Kasumi slink over and lean into Ranma, fluttering her eyes and giving a good hard 'fuck me' stare right at the busty shortstack. "Perhaps we can arrange something, where you marry one of us and fuck the other two on the side?"

"Kasumi, girls can't get married," Akane pointed out, slutting her way across the floor to hold onto Ranma from behind. "So I guess that means we'll have to be fuckbuddies instead."

"Good idea sis," Nabiki hissed, clinging onto Ranma's body in a manner not entirely unlike a python wrapping around its prey. "It would be a shame to let such an arrangement go to waste."

Ranma was thoroughly enjoying herself. Alas, she knew it could not last. "Oh girls, if you like my cursed form you're going to love my boy form." She pulled a picture out of her cleavage using only her tongue, because her hands were too busy admiring certain sections of both Nabiki and Kasumi's bodies. She pulled the picture into her mouth and held it there between her teeth, showing an image of herself, shirtless, in the middle of a kata before turning her head to show it off to the three of them.

"Oooh, he's hot," Nabiki said. The other three took a look and nodded in unison. "Is he your twin brother or something?"

Kasumi took the picture out of Ranma's mouth, sensing that she couldn't exactly speak like that and not really desiring for her to take her hands - her busy, busy hands - away from the fun places they were exploring. "Nope, that's me!" Ranma grinned widely. "Hot stud and curvy slut. No matter what flavour's your preference, I'm all up in it. It's a curse - Well, I can't really call it a curse - that I acquired in China. Hot water will turn me back into a boy, so if you want ot check out the goods, we can get down to the wedding already."

"Now this I have to see," Akane said. Now, in truth she thought Ranma was joking, but a chance to pour some water over this smoking hot beauty... make those clothes cling to her body all that more snugly, show off that body even more securely, it was too good a change to pass on. She detached herself from Ranma, walked five paces away, then peered over her shoulder to make sure he was watching and worked her hips with precision and practise, the same kind of practise that most martial artists put into their routines. Except her goal wasn't to knock her enemy out. It was to make her enemy hard. Or wet. It was an expert tease, just the right amount of jiggle to leave you craving more.

And from Ranma's facial expression, it was easy to see that it was having the right effect. Even with Kasumi and Nabiki clung to her body, Ranma was staring after that booty with extremely blatant lustful intent. Not that they were being ignored, Ranma's hands had a firm grasp on their rumps, squeezing and teasing them while pulling them even closer to him, inviting both sisters to smooch and lick her sexy slender neck.

"Ah? A curse...?" Soun said. "Fuck, that's kinda hot... I mean, well there's no problem then! You can marry one, two, or even all three of my daughters if you want. Heck, I absolutely insist that after you turn back into a boy that you systematically bed all three of them so you can find out which if your most compatible partner."

Porn logic! Ain't it grand?

Anyway, Akane returned with a glass of hot water. Now, given how dumb these characters often were Akane might have normally gone for boiling water without thinking of it - but ironically enough people are often more sensible in porn than they are in slapstick comedies, and so she had merely come back with hot water instead. Thankfully. Seriously, don't pour boiling water over someone, and definitely don't drink actually boiling water that way leads to bad times, very bad painful times that result in hospital visits and scars, nasty scars. Come to think the scars might be the core reason Akane didn't boil that water.

"Here you go," Akane said, tipping the hot water over Ranma's head and - Gone goes the porn effect.

Which left Ranma standing there with a handful of butts, and a very confused group of people.

"Uhh?" he began, only to find the taste slapped out of his mouth by Kasumi of all people.

"You're cute, but not that cute," Nabiki sniffed.

Meanwhile, Akane's eyes had been replaced with the beating core of a distant star, burning for thousands of years with flame and burning and so much pain that Ranma might well wish she had come back with that boiling water. She pounded her fist into her open palm full to bursting with pervert smashing fury.

"H-Hey, wait, it ain't my fault!" Ranma yelled, a futile gesture under the circumstance. "My cursed form does all kinds of weird stuff when she's in control!"

"Right, your cursed form made you do it," Nabiki nodded. "Akane, you hold him down, I'll find something heavy to drop on his dick."

"I have a hammer in my room!" Kasumi offered.

Not the best first impression for boy form Ranma to make, now is it? Fortunately - in defiance of literally every other occasion in his life - Ranma's father Genma entered the scene before the sisters could invoke the time honoured tradition of 'pervert smash'.

"I'm afraid there might be something to that," Genma said. I know right? I'm shocked too! "Ever since he gained this curse, we have noticed strange inconsistencies with our behaviour."

"Oh, Genma! You were that panda...?" Soun asked. "Well, good thing I hadn't called animal control yet. Or the Tokyo zoo, they were looking for a new panda..."

"Yes, yes, we could easily repopulate literally any endangered species that we want using the Jusenkyo springs," Genma sighed. "Can we focus on the plot, please?"

Akane had put Ranma into a boston crab by now. "Touch my sisters like that, right in front of me? While pretending to be a girl? You... You!"

Genma sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ranma, can you seriously not escape a boston crab?"

"She's kinda heavy, pops! Might not look it, but this chick's got some real weight behind her!"

"Are you calling me fat?!"

Boy form Ranma continues to not make the best first impression with the Tendo sisters. Nonetheless, he pushed himself off the ground and managed to roll out from under her, then caught Akane in a front facelock, rolled her onto her back and tried really hard to ignore the punches to his ribs he was getting. Not the worst he'd gotten, but there was some real anger behind them.

"Is she normally this uncute?" he asked. Nabiki nodded immediately. Kasumi, after a moment of hesitation. After a little bit the punches slowed down, and she was groggy enough that he could let her go without getting struck again. "Hey, listen, sorry about that."

"So, what did your father mean by that?" Kasumi asked. "What sort of inconsistencies do you mean?"

"Holding onto other men," Genma said. "Awkward positions with attractive members of either sex. Often Ranma takes actions that seem sensible at the time - but after he turns back to normal, we're both baffled by the chain of logic. It seems as though his curse affects our memories as well. Truly, this Spring of Drowned Porn Star is a formidable and frightening spring."

Everyone fell silent on hearing Genma announce that. Nabiki was the first to break the silence. "Oh please," Nabiki said. "It's one thing telling me that this boy was that girl from before, but affecting memories?" She flicked a glass of water at him, turning Ranma into a girl in a moment's notice. "That sort of thing is way too fucking hot to be real."

Context shifts. Reality alters. The genre becomes more porny again. "Oh no, I went a little too all out during our spar," Ranma said. She scooped up Akane into a bridal carry, and Akane snuggled into her cutely. "I'll take her up to her room and... tuck her in."

Everything in porn is an excuse for sex. The lead up to it. Teasing it. Making it happen. Getting the characters alone and in the mood. Well, now Ranma had carried Akane up to her room, but she was honestly pretty groggy after Ranma had to choke her out. Hardly the best time for something erotic to happen. Unless...?

"Heh, they noticed a while back huh?" Ranma said while putting Akane back in her bed. "Oh well, that makes things a bit less fun."

She opened up Akane's gi to get a look at her breasts. Licked her lips. Not as big as hers, but not unpleasant either. Time to do something about that. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny bottle. "Good thing I happened to grab this from the valley." Then she dabbed a small amount of water onto her finger. A drop just big enough to cover a nipple, which was kind of the point because that's where it was going. "Let's give you the nipples of a porn star. It shouldn't be enough to warp perception fully, but... it should be a lot more fun, right? Especially for my boy side."