Tainted Cube: The Case of the Bikini Outbreak

Another collaborative effort with Cross C, with two characters that probably shouldn't even be here. Let's have some fun.

In Japan, the expectations as for what one does and doesn’t do in a relationship, particularly when dating, are rather set in stone as far as gender roles are concerned.   Having said that, I’m pretty sure I’m the girl in this relationship.

I’m somewhat chagrined to admit this, if only to myself, but honestly there are some pretty powerful plusses from such an awkward situation.  For example, If Haruhi gets it into her head to kiss me she just does it immediately and without preamble.  This is quite awesome on one level as I am <i>shockingly</i> rather passive and I’d probably get a lot less make out sessions if left to my own devices.  However, on another level it is quite distressing because just as Haruhi has no concern for the presence of other people when changing out of her clothing the same is true for kissing along with the vigorous fondling of certain parts of my anatomy.

These sorts of public shows of affection are rather frowned upon in Japanese society and I was rather concerned about my parents’ reaction when the rumors inevitably reached their ears.  Certainly the student body was reacting, though at this point it was mostly whispered exchanges and significant looks.  I don’t think Taniguchi had fully grokked it as every time I encountered him he just gave me a dazed expression and shook his head.  No doubt soon enough he would be bothering me for embarrassing details and demanding how I managed it.

Immediately after school, Haruhi had scheduled the Mysterious Cube Mystery Investigation which I promptly lost a hundred points for being late even though I was at the front gate three minutes before the specified time.  It seems the only way not to be late is to arrive before Haruhi no matter how early she chose to show up.  She had me point out the spot where I found the cube from the top of the hill.  Then she proceeded to whip out an actual full size telescope which she’d apparently ‘appropriated’ from the Astronomy Club.  Right.

She directed me to head down the hill and search around the location where the cube had appeared while she set up her telescope within the obscuring branches of a tall bush.  It seemed only logical that while I investigated the immediate environs of the cube’s arrival that some sort of mysterious entity would show themselves on perhaps a nearby rooftop monologuing their intentions to a convenient henchman while Haruhi spied from afar.  Right.

Suffice it to say, this plan was a failure with no shadowed villain appearing.

So, of course, the next day we repeated the plan with our roles reversed.  I definitely did <i>not</i> spend the time staring at Haruhi’s magnified bottom as she bent over and studied the sidewalk intently.  No dastardly foes discovered.



With the mysterious cube mystery a bust for the time being, Haruhi, my inexplicable girlfriend, swiftly reverted to her malaise of discontent at the world’s lack of interesting phenomenon.   It seemed that as her boyfriend it was now my exclusive duty to help alleviate her boredom, which given her proclivities was a rather stressful position for me to be in, let me tell you.  At the moment, she was bemoaning the lack of clubs that met her ridiculous standards for stimulating content. 

As I awkwardly strained to come up with something appropriate to say, I had the urge to spout off about ‘average people’ and the need ‘to settle for what’s in front of them’.  But I could see how that would go, even if Haruhi didn’t have the cube or my body’s strange decision to glow to point to.  So, instead my foolish mouth went with:  “Well, why don’t you make your own club then?”

Haruhi’s eyes lit up.

Her hands lashed out, my collar grabbed.

Jerked violently forward, my mouth was assaulted.

Then Haruhi was sprinting so fast out of her chair, that I was treated to the enviable sight of her skirt flying up, her lovely white pantied derriere on display for just a moment.

And just like that a club was made. 

Well, not just like that but looking back at it, Haruhi sure made it seem so.  I was assigned the paperwork side of the thing which thankfully wasn’t too taxing, consisting mostly of consulting the school handbook and filling out a few forms.  Haruhi handled everything else like an unstoppable force of nature.  Need a club room?  Just appropriate the Literary Club’s (along with its one remaining member).  Need members?  Just snatch them up, literally.  And I mean she <i>literally</i> went around and <i>snatched</i> who ever fit her rather strange tastes. 

Case in point:

One afternoon, I was at my Haruhi-assigned after school activity.  This consisted of sitting at the table in the club room and sharing an awkward silence with Yuki (the Literary Club member or maybe piece of furniture if you’re asking Haruhi).  I was damned if I was going to take the opportunity to work on my homework.  My head resting upon my folded arms, I was just about to enjoy a nap when my girl friend burst into the room, a frightenly happy expression on her face as she dragged in a rather listless dark haired girl of either Euro or Britannian nationality, I never could tell the difference.

The kidnappee had the look of just waking from a nap herself, looking around with a vaguely interested expression as if she wasn’t quite sure that this all wasn’t still part of some dream she’d been having.

“Ta-da!” declared Haruhi with a wave of her hands at the girl.

“So she wants to join the club then?” I asked uncertainly.  Member acquisition had been her stated mission for the day but given Haruhi’s volatile passions, this could be an entirely different fish altogether.

Haruhi cocked her head and shot me her patented ‘Why aren’t you thinking the exact thing I am?’ look and said, “What? What does that have to do with anything?  She’s perfect for the club!  Half of everything she says makes no sense AND LOOK!” Haruhi bent over and pulled at the girl’s skirt as she gestured at her non-standard footwear, “She wears big black combat boots! Totally mysterious.  Plus she’s a foreigner.  Something interesting or strange always happens when one of these is involved!”

I was slow in responding to this nonsensical statement because an awful lot of the girl’s creamy thighs were on display thanks to Haruhi’s totally unnecessary lifting of her skirt.  I mean, the length of her uniform skirt meant that the boots in their entirety were alway perfectly visible.  The girl had apparently already accepted the futility of going against the will of the Haruhi and made no move to retrieve her skirt.  By the time I tore my impolite attention from her legs, I’d completely forgotten what I’d been about to say.  So given that the girl seemed to be pretty accepting of her unorthodox claiming, I went with, “Well, welcome to our nameless purposeless club, Miss...?”

That comment earned me a glare from Haruhi and a curt, “River.” before she switched gears, turned on her heel and flew out of the room.  She called back over her shoulder, “Gottago! Caught sight of the perfect little filly!  Gotta get her before she escapes!”

I sighed and offered River my hand, rather proud of myself for remembering the proper custom.  I told her my name and apologized for Haruhi as I waited for her to take it.  She stared at my hand, obviously wondering if she should just bolt now rather than become further enmeshed within Haruhi’s coils.

She took my hand.  Poor decision.

Still, I was rather relieved that she appeared to be normal.

Cocking her head to the side, her voice was toneless as she said, “My uterus just moved.”

Er. Even as my brain refused to react to the content of her statement, I noted her perfect Japanese, nary an accent to be found.

“Rapid heart rate.  Irregular breath rate.  Increased vaginal mucus.  Clitoral expansion.”

“Gah!” I exclaimed as I attempted to retrieve my hand from her suddenly very firm grip.  I was unsuccessful.

Her expressionless face was soon smiling softly and her eyelids were fluttering.

“A sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension.” She finally released my aching hand to touch a finger to her chin,  “But there was no accumulation...”

I really had no idea how to respond to that, holding my hand to the side not sure if I wanted to wipe it on my pants or never wash it again.  The one thing I did know was that I’d likely dodged a bullet.  If Haruhi had been witness to that, the consequences would have been... well... unimaginable.

So much for normal, I thought, as I watched River wander over to Yuki, bend over so that her face was millimeters away from Yuki’s, and rather audibly sniff.

“Mmmm...snow.”

<hr>

Was it 2010 or 1955?

The same timeplane changed?  Or a different one completely?

2010 a.t.b.

1955 A.D.

55 B.C

She’d queried Central but the text subsequently put into her head matched the history described in these school books.

She was trying to reconstruct her vague memories of the original historical events but the effort was difficult and frustrating.  One would think that a time traveler would be required to commit a large portion of historical events to memory but that simply wasn’t the case.  She was simply an observer, a node through which policy could be enacted.  A more thorough understanding might create an impetus for independent thought and action, the consequences of which could be disastrous for the future even with the fail safes hypnotically embedded within her mind.

Still, even if she didn’t know the minute details, she remembered enough of the broad facts of history to know that something was very wrong.  There should have been a United States of America.  There wasn’t.  Instead an enormous empire encompassed all of the Americas According to her memories, there had been no such place called Britannia, let alone one so large and powerful.  She’d never heard about it anyway. 

Given the long two thousand year history of the Britannian Empire, Mikuru was quite sure she’d have heard about it.  There had been a Britain! And it had an empire at one point.  But not in the Americas.  She’d spent the last forty minutes building a timeline from the half dozen history books spread out upon the table nearby on this board in hopes of coming up with something useful.  It had to be something to do with this Ascension Throne Britannia calendar but she wasn’t sure what.  There was definitely something off with the amount of years-

Frowning, she turned her attention to the timeline she’d painstakingly drawn upon the chalkboard.  Oh no! All of her neatly organized writing was just one big smudge!  How had that happened!  Mikuru’s looked down.  Oh.  The front of her blouse was covered in chalk dust.  She blushed furiously and looked around quickly, sure she was alone but unable to stop herself from checking anyway.

Except she wasn’t alone. 

<hr>

“What’cha reading?”

Yuki showed me the book instead of responding verbally.  Two Victorian age euros were on the cover, the male a beefcake type whose shirt was inexplicably torn open.  Huh.  I thought the woman was supposed to be the one with the ripped bodice. Hah.  I’m funny.

“Is it any good?”

“Descriptive.” was her monotone response.

“Educational.” added River just as tonelessly from her spot sitting on the table in front of Yuki, leaning forward and arching her neck enough to apparently read the book upside down.
Well, aren't these two a treat?

“You two like books, huh?”

Yuki said nothing as River turned her head causing her long dark hair to fall across the pages.  The doll like girl apparently had x-ray vision because she made as if she were still reading while River looked at me and said, “Books like me.  And I like them.  Keep their words to themselves until asked. Polite.”

Did she just tell me to shut up? 

“No, wasn’t talking to you.”  Then River smiled at me and with slightly crazy eyes, said, “Mommy’s home and she’s brought a toy!”

She was trying to freak me out, wasn’t she?  What did I do to deserve getting tangled up with these mad girls?  Still, it wasn’t like I was really complaining because-come on, they’re all hot.

Bam! The door was kicked open and my vivacious girlfriend came bursting through dragging someone in along behind, quite obviously against their will. “Gotta catch’em all! And boy did I catch a whopper!”  Haruhi closed the door behind them even going so far as to lock it with a  loud click.  Oh god. 

Oh.  Oh my. 

While she was very understandably trembling in trepidation, I couldn’t quite get over how beautiful she was.  “What is this?” she cried in tears, “Where are we?  Why did you bring me here?  Why are you l-locking the door? What are you-”

The wonderful and regretfully frightened little filly was abruptly silenced by River’s face suddenly hovering bare centimeters from her own.  *sniff*

“Smells like paradox.  Paradox and...” *sniff* “tits.”

While I about fell out of my chair Haruhi found River’s declaration so amusing that with an unnecessarily loud “HAH!”, she patted the girl on the head like a dog and actually said, “You’re so amusing!”

Then she turned to the room and with a flourish that would put a magician to shame she said, “Allow me to introduce you!  This is Mikuru Asahina!”

Aaa-nd... silence.

Haruhi looked at us expectantly.   Yuki read her book.  River was staring at Mikuru, her lips moving but no sound coming out.  Mikuru just wiggled nervously as she looked at her shoes.

With a stifled sigh, I charged into the breach, “Where did you abduct her from?”

“I didn’t abduct her.  It was voluntary arrest.”

How was that different exactly?

“I caught her daydreaming in the library.  I walk through every nook and cranny of this school during breaks so her face started to become familiar after a while.”

“Isn’t she an upperclassman?”

“What about it?” Right.  The girl’s seniority wasn’t a factor at all.  Naturally.

“Never mind, then … Uh, Asahina, is it? Why her?”

“Well, take a look.”  She poked her finger at the girl’s nose, Mikuru falling back with a small squeak.

“She’s super cute, isn’t she? I bet your dick is touching your belly button right about now, huh?”   My brain stopped then as I felt my cheeks burn.  And my penis hadn’t been touching my belly button... but that was mostly because of the way my belt constrained its expansion options.

“I believe that moe is an essential factor.”

“What’s moe?” That was River asking curiously as if all of Haruhi’s recent actions were legitimate.  I was still far too busy freaking out about my girlfriend’s mentioning the (accurate!) state of my genitals in front of this lovely demure little lady.


“Moe, you know, turn-ons.  The element of turning people on.  Fundamentally, in every story where something strange happens, there’s always an alluring, Lolita-looking character present!”

I inadvertently turned to look at Mikuru Asahina.  A petite body and a baby face.  <i>I see.</i>  An inattentive person could easily mistake her for someone quite younger.  Her slightly curly chestnut hair softly concealed her collar.  Her watery puppy dog eyes begged for protection, and her teeth of white ivory peeking out from within her half-open mouth created a miraculous sense of harmony with her small face.  If she’d been holding a wand with a glowing ball on top, I’d have expected her to transform into a magical anime girl.  Wait, what the hell am I saying?

“That’s not all!” declared Haruhi and with a waved hand fit for a queen added, “River?”

The boot wearing girl was suddenly behind Mikuru as Haruhi stepped towards her with an evil grin on her face and her clutching hands held out in front of her.

“Wahyaa--!” screamed Asahina as she retreated frantically only to run into River.  Haruhi, heartlessly ignored the poor girl’s distress and grabbed her breasts through her uniform.

“Ahh--!”

“She’s so small, yet look.  Her breasts are bigger than mine.  A Lolita face with big breasts.  This is an important element of turning people on!”

Oh was it?

“Ah -- they sure are big...”  Was she-? Was she actually groping Asahina <i>under</i> her shirt?  Wait.  Were those River’s hands in there as well?!  What insane world was I suddenly living in?

This disturbing and unfortunately arousing tableau was mercifully interrupted by a knock at the door.  Rather than showing any shock, dismay, or guilt as would be reasonable, Haruhi merely whirled towards the door with an expression of excitement and anticipation that was totally unreasonable given the situation.  “Continue illuminating Kyon on Mikuru’s moe-ness, River!  I’ll deal with our first customer!”

Customer?  Were we providing some sort of service to the public? News to me.

Given her rather flighty behavior so far, I must tell you I found River’s apparent dedication to follow Haruhi’s inane commandments to be highly unfair.  Despite this I found myself doing nothing to relieve Mikuru as the taller girl firmly led her over to me, the upperclassmen’s pathetic struggles and whines availing her nothing.

Stopping right next to my chair, River flowed languidly on to the table and sat cross legged as she kept Mikuru still with one hand on her wrist (Ah! Short skirt-spread legs-panties-not looking!).  The lovely one’s legs briefly touched my thigh and I managed not to swoon while sending her as pathetic an apologetic look as I could.  River poked the girl in the chest twice, one for each breast, as she spoke in a manner as if she were a teacher lecturing, “The subject’s mammaries are well above average for her body size.  At approximately three pounds each, they are six percent of her body weight.”

The poor molested girl was now whimpering while my damning passivity and unhealthy interest in the subject matter kept me from doing anything constructive.

River lifted the front of the beauty’s shirt to reveal her creamy mid-riff complete with an absolutely precious belly button, “Now let me direct you to her hip to waist ratio, it is quite an extreme outlier.  Such a small waist-” and it was tiny! An exaggeration to be sure but I imagined I could wrap my hands about her sides and my fingers would touch. “-is a strong sign of physical fitness to mate and when combined with the proportions of her hips and bust signals her quality for breeding.  Add to this her innocent looks that instill in the male an increased desire to protect and you can see why she is biologically a perfect example of Darwinian Sexual Selection.”

It was about this time that I tuned out River’s own brand of crazy and managed to surreptitiously extract Mikuru from her grasp.  That was because I’d finally noticed our visitor, an older guy whose similar western features and protective gaze marked him quite clearly as River’s brother.  I wasn’t sure how he’d take his sister seemingly molesting another girl but I definitely didn’t see me coming out very well in the exchange.

“-as you can see, your dear sis is safe and sound, filled with passionate zeal to enact the valiant goals of the SOS Brigade!”  I wanted to ask Haruhi why the hell she was bringing him over given Mikuru’s disheveled and quite distressed appearance but that was pointless and at least her grandiose delivery and exuberant hand gestures were effectively capturing his attention.  “You said you were interning at the nurse’s office and that’s perfect because our club needs a faculty sponsor, so just sign-” She was stretching a hand out towards me without looking and I watched her brow furrow in consternation before her head whipped in my direction, “Kyon! Where’s the paperwork?!”

Right.  Things were going to be much smoother once Haruhi installed that telepathic uplink in my brain.  “Yes, madame President!” I smartly declared with a salute that was either going to earn me extra make out time later or dock me time depending on whether she noticed the sarcasm or not.  I got to my feet and <i>gently ever so gently</i>took Mikuru’s arm in hand and became an active accomplice in her abduction (A case could be made that I was just an innocent bystander up to this point.  A flimsy case, but still...).  I led her over to the filing cabinet whispering my profuse apologies over and over again.

Behind me I heard the guy ask, “Are you okay, River?  I was worried when you didn’t-”

“I’m fine, Simon.” was her exasperated reply and I raised an eyebrow as I pulled open the drawer empty except for three sheets of paper.  River had actually sounded like a normal girl annoyed with her overly protective brother’s behavior.  Was all that braincase stuff an act some sort of <i>cool</i> persona?  “She doesn’t need adult supervision.”

Simon blinked, looking as surprised by the lucid declaration as I was before his expression seemed to soften.  “Right.  Of course.”  His attention quite clearly expanded from River to take in the rest of the room and I suddenly realized I needn’t have worried about him noticing Miss Asahina’s condition because he’d had eyes only for his sister since entering the club room.  Of course, <i>now</i> he was looking around at the rest of us.  I jumped forward waving the club registration papers intensely in the air interposing myself between his gaze and the still softly trembling Mikuru. 

Totally just got points for enthusiasm which can be exchanged for Haruhi make outs.  Oh god.  I’m like Pavlov’s dogs aren’t I?

I sidled up to him and politely showed him where to sign, “Sir, we’ve really enjoyed spending time with River.  She’s really-” What was she? “-cool.  Her uh. unique perspective is um... refreshing!”  Wait.  Why am I doing this?  Ugh- Can’t go back now.  Not with the way my girlfriend was bouncing on her toes and motioning me to go on excitedly behind the guy’s back, “But our club hasn’t gotten a faculty sponsor yet and with the deadline-” What deadline? “- is fast approaching and you know how bureaucracy is-it uh might not get approved in time and we wouldn’t be able to hang out like this anymore...”

Simon took the papers from me with a slightly troubled look, “Well, I’d like to help but I’m not sure if I exactly qualify.  I’m just a -” he let out a small sigh, “-intern here at the infirmary-”

Haruhi exploded into existence hanging on to his arm and pressing a pen into his hand. 

What next took place wasn’t easy to quantify let alone describe but suffice it to say that through a combination of my girlfriend’s indomitable will power and his sister pulling off the most adorable puppy dog eyes I have ever seen, the papers got signed and the SOS Brigade became an official school club.  Kind of.

So I’m not really sure how to feel or think about what happened next.  Simon turned to leave after letting River know that she could find him at the nurse’s office when we were done.  Her response was to stick her tongue out at him.   As he was walking through the door, he turned back and asked me if I could show him where to turn in the club’s paperwork.  I acquiesced pretty quickly, feeling both relieved to escape the madhouse for a moment and awfully guilty for leaving Miss. Asahina to her fate.

I’m sure she’d be okay.
So yea, on the way Simon told me this:

“I wanted to talk to you alone because you seem responsible but also because you’re a boy.  I’m not sure if its the same with Japanese girls but Britannian girls can be catty and often cruel to each other.  I didn’t want to lessen River’s chances of making friends.   Let me get straight to the point.  There was a traumatic incident a few years ago that has... affected her.  She’s... less stable mentally.  I don’t want to get into the details.  What you need to know is that she is sane and perfectly safe to be around.   In fact, I think it likely that her recovery might depend upon building relationships with kids her own age.  I’m telling you this because, unfortunately, there is a strong likelihood that she will experience episodes where she loses touch with reality and has seizure like symptoms.   I know this is a rather tremendous burden I’d be placing on you and I would completely understand if you’d like to refuse.  In that case, I’ll insure River stays away.  On the other hand, if you accept, I’d like you to take my cell number and immediately call me if you suspect she’s having an episode or about to have one.”

Okay, it wasn’t a big speech like that but that’s the gist of the info and some pretty heavy stuff too.

I really really wanted to say no.  This really was way too much responsibility and how the hell was I the most responsible one? 

Ugh.

I totally said yes.

<hr>
It had been just another morning when a new chapter in my increasingly strange life began. Haruhi would call my mobile phone to wake me up with her relentlessly cheery tone, insisting that I be anything but late for school. She would then meet me half way up that long, long walk uphill, chide me for being late and force me into a penalty of pressing me up against a nearby wall and attempting to use her lips to suffocate me. Doesn’t seem like a penalty? Well. Then she would break away and remark that if I wasn’t so tardy we could’ve spent even longer doing it.

The girl is a damned genius, I’ll give her that. The things she does with her tongue... But that’s not important at the moment. What mattered was that after my daily “penalty” the two of us walked into school, with her excitedly discussing some experiment or other regarding my name, and of course her plans for her brand new club.

Which is when something caught my attention: A girl in a tiger print bathing suit, walking down the corridor. No, striding down it like she didn’t even care what she looked like.

“Hey, hey! Are you even listening?” my girlfriend said. Crap. The last thing anyone needs is being caught staring at another girl when right next to their girlfriend, but I did have a good reason for looking in this particular instant. “What’s caught your attention? Huh? Oh, I see! Aren’t you brave checking out other girls while I’m right here?”

I rubbed my ribs where she’d elbowed me and gasped for breath. Anyone would. Girl is much stronger than she looks, believe me on that. “N-No... I just thought it was kind of strange, that’s all. I mean, showing up at school like that? It’s hardly viable swimwear, is it?”

Haruhi looked past at the girl once again, and I swear that I could almost see the gears turning in her pretty genius head. “You’re right,” she said slowly. “And boots of the same print? That <i>is</i> a bit odd... That’s it, then! The SOS Brigade’s priorities will have to shuffle around! Something this strange can’t go unresolved! Luckily, she’s in our class, so we can keep a good eye on her throughout the day. Just try not to enjoy the view so much next time. Got it, pal?”

And just like that, off she went leaving me behind with little more to do than find it utterly fascinating the way her skirt swished around as she walked. I swear, I didn’t used to be so perverted but that girl drags it out of me.

My musings were interrupted by an all too familiar voice saying “What’s this? No Suzimiya today? Looks like you’ve got a lucky escape, if she’s already lost interest!”

I turned to face Taniguchi, but promptly forgot whatever I was about to say at the sight of a thin trail of blood coming out of his nose. I pointed it out to him, and he seemed quite surprised as he dabbed it away. “I didn’t even realise,” he said. “Must’ve been because of that chick in the bikini.”

I stared in silence at him for a moment. He couldn’t possibly mean that old anime trope of the aroused character spontaneously erupting blood from the nose for absolutely no medically justifiable reason. Or at the very least, one that should require the sufferer to immediately check into a hospital for examination. That sort of thing simply didn’t happen in real life, and the thought that Taniguchi might exhibit such strange symptoms seemed rather strange.

“I was so caught off guard I walked right into a wall,” he elaborated, and my sense of reality became much more secure. An increasingly rare instance these days. It seemed the reverse was rather more common.

“Oh yes, I saw her as well,” I remarked. “Very strange, don’t you think? I mean. Who shows up to school dressed in a tiger print bikini and matching boots? Was it some sort of bet? It’s surprising she was even let into the building in that condition. Wouldn’t you think?”

“What do I think?” Taniguchi sighed, tossing the bloodied handkerchief into a nearby waste bin. “I think you’ve been hanging out with Suzumiya too much for your own sanity.”

That much was probably true enough. The two of us then went into our classrooms and took our seats. Myself in front of Haruhi as usual. As I sat down she nodded in a particular direction with a wicked grin, and - well, I didn’t really need to look to see why. It was that same girl. I’d seen her as soon as I’d entered the room. Everyone must have, but nobody knew how to react. Hell, even the teacher did a double take! Pulled her out of the classroom, then let her back in with a slightly confused expression on both of their faces. I looked back at Haruhi, and her reaction was about what I expected. Fierce scrutiny, boundless curiosity, and a look that I’ve quickly come to associate with looming trouble.

Other than that, class was a rather mundane affair. What else could be said save recounting the lesson plan? No. I shall spare you of such tedium. Instead let us skip to lunchtime, where Suzumiya and myself began a cover operation, spying on the mysterious girl as she took her seat in the grass outside underneath a tree. It was simply enough for us to duck within a bush and watch her, though one question did bug me a little bit. Where had Haruhi been keeping those binoculars, and how long had she had them?

“Borrowed from the nature club,” she explained in a whisper, almost as though she was reading my thoughts. “Don’t worry about it, I took care of everything with Michiru’s help.”

Dread. So much dread, filling my veins. What horrors had she forced upon that innocent adorable girl in the name of procuring spying equipment? Perhaps better that I not know.

We did not have a long wait. Shortly after our arrival, two other girls approached. Both outraged. Anyone could see it in their facial expression and body language before they even said a word.

“What do you think you are doing?” one of them said. “Showing up to school dressed like that! I’m amazed that you’ve not been sent home already!”

“That’s right!” the other added. “It’s completely sh-shamless! Showing off so much of your body for everyone to see!”
The bikini clad girl merely sighed and shook her head wearily. “This again?” she said. “It’s like I’ve been telling everyone: This <i>is</i> my school uniform. I’ve been wearing it all year! I mean, I thought it was kind of skimpy at first as well, but, you know, it’s actually pretty comfortable.”

The two girls both looked confused, but Haruhi was busily scribbling down all sorts of notes faster than I could even hope to keep up with. The girl was really into this. How long had she been looking for peculiarities, only to find two or three coming along all at once?

“Yes, I... You’re right,” the second of the two girls said. “You have been wearing it all year, and it is your school uniform. I’m sorry, I just... I feel confused.”

“We’re sorry,” the first of the girls said, sitting down next to the bikini wearing girl. “I don’t know why we thought it was shameless.”

Nothing else happened over the course of that lunch. The three of them just sat there, eating and talking about the mundane sorts of things some people talk about among friends. Not that Haruhi found it boring, of course. No, she was loving it. She was completely absorbed by the idle gossip, scribbling it out furiously while I lamented the pangs of hunger emanating from my stomach.

When the lunchtime bell rang we waited a little while until all three were out of sight, and Haruhi pulled me to my feet, giddy with glee. “Did you see that?!” she said with an odd laugh. “Some sort of memetic mental influence! No wonder the school faculty haven’t sent her home! They think it’s completely... Normal... That’s interesting, isn’t it? I wonder what other paranormal events have been covered up by that same sort of thing?”

“It’s certainly a possibility,” I agreed as she stalked off towards class. “Do you suppose it has something to do with this cube business at all?”

Haruhi stopped and wheeled around. “Not enough evidence yet, but I figure there probably is,” she enthusiastically said. “The way I see it, there are two main possibilities. Well, three, I suppose but it’s not likely. The first! There is a connection. The second! It’s extremely widespread. The third! It’s only here and it’s a coincidence. I dismiss that last one because the odds of a series of unusual events hitting the same school without also being across other areas in the world is unlikely, especially within the same timeframe.“

“So... what do we do now?” I asked.

“That’s easy,” Haruhi said. “We use our new members to keep an eye on her, while we conduct those tests I mentioned this morning. If we rotate out who is doing the observing, they should be less aware they’re being watched.”

Which led onto the afternoon, where once again nothing of particular note occurred during the course of our classes. Pretty mundane stuff really. It was only when class was over that I took a deep breath, stepped outside of the classroom and felt myself being propelled onwards that my life began to dive right back into the realm of the surreal and bizarre. Somehow - Don’t even ask me how - both River and Yuki were already in the classroom. Yuki reading her book. River lying on the table, staring at the floor.

When Haruhi closed the door, River lifted her head to look up at the two of us. “The manager of the dorm knows so much, and that’s why he’s afraid.”

... That sort of behaviour probably wasn’t what her brother had in mind for his warning. Probably. Either way Asahina burst in through the door behind us, gave a rather adorable bow and took a seat at the table while River... Well, River just sort of rolled over and stared at her.

“The future is what we make of it,” she said, slipping into the next empty seat over. “Some are better at shaping it than others.”

Asahina looked like she was about to have a heart attack, or maybe just ask River what she meant by that, but didn’t get the chance before Haruhi slammed her hand onto the desk making more of a racket than a hammer ever could.

“Listen up, brigade!” she declared. “We have not one, but two mysteries on our hands already! A dazzling success for my wonderful club, wouldn’t you say? Of course, it’s all down to the keen observation of myself and Kyon here that we’re even aware of them at all!

“And since we have two mysteries, let’s investigate both at once! Now, usually splitting the party results in disaster, but this hardly seems like a dangerous task for such talented people hand picked by none other than yours truly!

“So here’s how it’s gonna be! Mikuru, River! You two are going to check out as much as you can find out about this student! You probably saw her walking around in a tiger print bikini earlier today!”

“Oh, yes, I did!” Asahina said, her voice as soft as silk and quite thoroughly mortified by the idea. “It’s amazing that she was able to do that and get away with it.”

“So long as she didn’t make anyone play tag,” River said, prompting a few odd looks from both myself and the others. Except Yuki, whose eyes didn’t flicker from her book and Haruhi, who just let that sort of comment run off her back. So, just me and Asahina, then. “Sounds like fun!”

“Right! Meet up here tomorrow, with everything you find. As for Kyon, Yuki and myself, we’re going to do a few tests on Kyon’s name!”

“But Kyon is his name...” River said with her head tilted to the side.
“Ah, no. It’s just a nickname,” I said. “My little sister gave it to me, and it’s sort of stuck ever since.”

River smiled and picked up the notebook in front of Haruhi. “Are you sure about that?” she asked, thumbing through the notebook at a breakneck pace. “Huh. That is a mite weird.”

... She couldn’t possibly mean to say that she’d read all of Haruhi’s notes quite that quickly. Just who was this girl supposed to be, exactly? With a smile and a wink, she grabbed Asahina by the wrist and pulled her out of the room at a speed that made Haruhi seem rather slow by comparison. That girl couldn’t half move when she put her mind to it.

So. As for the experiments. Mindful of Haruhi’s instructions, I very carefully chose a letter from my name and wrote it on one of the small pieces of paper she scattered in front of me.   Then I picked another slip at random and inscribed a different letter of my name upon it.  I continued in this manner until I’d completed my name and then I pushed the small pile of letters over to Haruhi who was making impatient gestures at me and squirming in her chair.  She was soon furiously arranging and rearranging the letters.

“Huh? That can’t be right,” she finally said. “Is your name... No, that’s not right either! It’s like I’m forgetting what’s on each slip of paper as soon as I look away from it. Yuki, you give it a try!”

“... Very well.”

For probably the first time since Kyon had first met her, the only remaining member of the literary club set her book to the side and actually stood up. She took the slips of paper from Haruhi and shuffled through them in a slow and deliberate manner, almost machine like. Unblinking. Only moving her hands. It was strangely inhuman, if I dare think such a thought.

Though any thoughts I might have had thinking about that were rather quickly forgotten when Haruhi promptly sat in my lap, as though marking me as hers. Not that I minded this behaviour too much, but I do wish she’d give me a little warning first.

“Anything?” Haruhi said after a minute or two.

“The data is... missing,” Yuki said in a voice barely above a whisper. At which point she simply returned to her chair and resumed reading without another word. Not exactly the most talkative person out there, but at least she had interacted with us for a little while. Hopefully she’d come out of her shell before long. Reading books was fine, but without basic human contact what was the reason she even came to this club at all?

“It seems as though whatever’s affecting your name is quite insistent nobody can remember it,” Haruhi said, leaning back into my body in a way that she had to know would have the effect it would have. “But that just makes me even more determined to confound it! However! If we’re going to catch it out, we’re going to need to be a bit more clever about it.”

“I see,” I said, unconsciously wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my head on her shoulder. The smell of this girl filled my nostrils and left me feeling heady. It would surely have the same effect on anyone. “Do you have any other ideas?”

“Not at the moment,” she replied, a little too nonchalant to be believed. It’s one of the few things she doesn’t do particularly well. “It’s rather difficult to concentrate when my boyfriend’s thing is poking me in the butt.”

The way she managed to swivel around in my lap without hurting either one of us is a mystery I may never solve. Nor particularly care to. After all, I recognised that look in her eye by now. It’s the same one I mentioned earlier. The one that means trouble. What happened next wasn’t so much a kiss as it was an assault upon the parts of my brain capable of reason and thinking ahead. Even so, I somehow managed to tear free (though it was rather impossible for me to remove my hands from either her thigh or naked breast) and breathlessly say “W-Wait, what about Nagato? She’s right there, and - “

“Well observed,” Haruhi said. “So what? I don’t think she’d mind at all, would you, Yuki?”

“... You may continue,” Yuki said, adjusting her glasses that, on anyone else, might have seemed like a suspicious motion.

I might very well have probably come back with a convincing argument for Haruhi’s eagerness, but in the end it wouldn’t have mattered all that much. Believe me, the things that girl could do with her tongue...

<hr>
“This Britannian stuff is completely disgraceful,” my father said at dinner that night. “Have you seen this nonsense about Australia?”

Britannia. To be quite honest, I had heard the name mentioned a lot in passing these days. Certainly a lot more than I used to. Unfortunately that’s about the extent of my knowledge. Worldwide politics was rather boring and tedious, and anyone my age would probably agree. Even so, with my father being so animated about it how could I do anything but pay attention?

“Have you heard of all the Australian refugees coming in?” father continued. “Streaming in from the Orange Republic of Australia. As if we didn’t have enough trouble with space as it was.”

“Orange Republic?” my little sister piped up. “Why’s it called that? Is there a blue and green Republic as well? Sounds like fun!”

“Not so much these days, my dear,” mother sniffed. “There’s no Orange Republic anymore. Just Area Nine. It’s only a matter of time before they turn their attention towards Japan, and then who knows what will happen?”

Father gave my inquisitive little sister a pat on the head, and attempted to explain. “It was a Dutch colony, and someone called Orange helped to set it up,” he said. “Someone from the House of Orange, if I remember correctly. They fought tooth and nail for each inch that Britannia took from them, but in the end... In the end, whatever survivors their armies have now are no doubt drifting around looking for a new place to settle. Trying desperately to stay out of the reach of Britannian governance, and finding their safe havens shrinking day by day. One battle in particular did them all in, a terrible battle called -”

“Now, now!” mother warned, in that tone which always made me immediately stop whatever I was doing. You know the one. All mothers have it. “Let’s not go filling her head up with nightmares about that. These kids have enough to worry about as is.”
<hr>
Naturally, I brought this up with Haruhi the next morning immediately following my penalty. Something about it was nagging at me, and I couldn’t quite grasp the shape of it. Alas:

“Ugh, politics! Who needs it?” she scoffed. “Who cares about that boring stuff when... When we could talk about that! Look over there!”

It was a rare thing for a girlfriend to demand that their boyfriend stare at what another girl was wearing. Particularly when this other girl was clad in a rather revealing bikini, strolling down the street like it was nothing to worry about. A girl that was definitely not the same one as yesterday - who come into view a few second later - but as Haruhi would point out was one of the two girls that had been at the confrontation we had observed over lunchtime.

“Well, well! Isn’t this interesting!” Haruhi said. “The case of the infectious bikini! This is even more interesting than I thought!”

And I’m quite certain the male population of the school agrees with that assessment wholeheartedly. The thought of all those girls wandering around school, neither caring or finding it peculiar that they were showing off that much of their bodies, well! Even I have to admit it was a rather pleasant piece of mental imagery. It also left me wondering what the other brigade members might look like if they succumbed as well...

“Wipe that stupid smile off your face, buster!” Haruhi demanded. “This clearly needs more of our attention than we originally thought! I wonder if our two lackeys found anything interesting... Ah ha! Looks like our moe mascot just sent us a text!”

Not her. Us. Interesting use of words. I peered over Haruhi’s shoulder to read it. No dice there, as my girlfriend let out a triumphant sounding noise and off she went, hurrying away to goodness knows only where. It must be said that something did become rather apparent to me after Haruhi left me alone at the school gates. It was not merely those three exhibiting a great deal more flesh than they had the previous day. In fact, the tiger print swimwear seemed to be quite the fashion trend among the female students. The effect this much exposed female skin must have had upon the virginal members of the male students, why, I can but imagine. On myself? It was rather difficult to avert my attention. The other peculiar thing was, aside from a few leers from various boys nobody else seemed to be paying those strangely attired girls much mind at all. It was as if they were somehow blending in with the crowd, when in truth they should have been standing out like sore thumbs. Sexy sore thumbs, if such things existed. Taniguchi was certainly rather speechless, in fact, the only mode of communication he gave to me before entering class was a hearty thumbs up. Kunikada merely shrugged and chuckled, though he was probably enjoying this as well. It would be hard pressed to find a male on the grounds that didn’t.
<hr>
About a year ago, he had been involved in a particularly tricky operation involving a rather unfortunate young man and a leg injury that should have been fatal from bloodloss. It had been entirely necessary for him to - on the spot - invent an entirely new surgical technique to save that man’s life. For which he had been given accolades, praise for his skill and ingenuity.

And now here he was halfway across the world sorting out a bloody nose. Most people might have been a little bitter at their fall from grace, but for this rather brilliant young doctor there was only one thought at the forefront of his mind. He was here for one reason and one reason alone. Love. Not romantic love or anything like that. Goodness no. He was here because some group of monsters back home did what monsters did, and they took something pure and good and wonderful and gave it a little <i>twist</i> just to see what would happen.

“Be a bit more careful in future,” he said to the boy with the bloodied nose. “Though I have to admit I am a little curious about what could distract you enough to make you walk into a wall without noticing two days in a row. No, no, don’t tell me. It’s a girl. It’s always a girl.”

“Not just any girl,” the boy - Taniguchi - said conspiratorially. Simon obliged, out of politeness if nothing else. “Showed up to school today wearing a tiger print bikini and not a stitch else!”

A tiger print bikini? Well, that would probably attract a great deal of attention from a boy his age. On the other hand, showing up to school dressed like that? This seemed unwise to put it kindly. The boy hurried off to class now that his bleeding nose problem was resolved, leaving Simon wondering what would possess someone to do such a peculiar thing. There was something about this school. He could taste it in the air, almost. That strange club River had joined up with. The hyperactive, manipulative leader of said club. He turned to leave the infirmary, and came to a screeching halt upon realising that River was standing just a few inches in front of him.

“I like this school!” she said. “It’s so warm here. So nice!”

“River... What are you wearing?”

The correct answer to this question was “tiger print bikini,” much like the boy with the bleeding nose had been talking about. If it transpired he’d been talking about River, well, it was probably in that boy’s best interests that he’d taken the Hippocratic oath. Though that particular oath didn’t say anything about putting the fear of god into anyone.

“New school uniform,” she said, giving a little twirl to show it off. “Do you like it?”

Simon shook his head. Where had she gotten the idea in her head that this was the school uniform? No, probably best not to dwell on that too much. It was a good thing nobody had sent her home yet, and let’s leave it at that. For now it was probably best to get her back into her actual school uniform, and -

And she was taking the bikini off.

“River, wait. Stop that! What are you doing?” he said, gripping her wrists to stop her from shedding any more clothing at a really, terribly inappropriate time.

“You don’t like it,” she said. “So, I decided to take it off.”

“I don’t like the idea of you wandering around naked any more than that. Leave it on, we’ll talk more about this when we get home.”

And off she goes, happy as he’d seen her since getting her out of that awful place. This school was definitely having some sort of weird effect on her, and if not for the fact that she was living the closest she might ever get to a normal life Simon was anything but happy about it. He would have to talk to her about this later on...

Or at least he would, if not for the fact that another girl happened to enter the infirmary wearing a tiger print bikini. Once she’d explained to him that it was indeed the school uniform, Simon’s outlook changed a little bit. And he’d never even know it.
<hr>
The plan for the day wasn’t a terribly complicated one to work out. Meet up at the clubroom during the lunch break to discover what Mikuru and River had found out during their investigations yesterday. A simple plan, and to be quite honest I was rather eager to find out what that might be after that exuberant reaction. Alas, I would be arriving at a different time from Haruhi on this occasion due to the scheduling of our gym class immediately prior to lunch. Perhaps a strategy on the part of the school to make students more likely to order from the cafeteria, due to additional hunger or thirst? Whatever! Aside from a few remarks from several of the boys throughout gym regarding the attractive qualities of several of the girls, and Taniguchi stating his intention to revise one or two of them... Well, nothing particularly interesting happened throughout that morning.

“Kyon-kun!” a cheery voice called, and I found myself turning around to greet the bright spot of Taniguchi’s school life before this bikini incident, Ryoko Asakura. The class president. A girl with infectious cheer, and an outgoing personality that makes it little wonder she’d be voted to the position. Further, Taniguchi had ranked her as a “perfect ten”, and it was honestly easy to see why. Between her personality, her figure and her face, it would be flat out wrong to rank her as anything less.

And I could now make a more accurate assessment of her figure, given that she was among those under the effect of the bikini outbreak. The class president flicked her hair back and leaned forward with her bare arms mostly behind her back as she cutely leaned towards me. “So, there’s all sorts of rumours about you and Suzumiya,” she said, and I couldn’t help but wince a little at that. “I’ve been thinking since the year started, isn’t it a shame that she keeps to herself like that? And then the next thing I hear, she’s starting up her very own club all because of you! What <i>is</i> your secret? Care to share?”

If I knew the answer to that, my life would be so, so much easier and I’d be that much less confused. I’d also probably be getting less sex, which did rather balance the scales a little bit...

“Sorry, I don’t really know,” I said. “Besides which, I doubt anything that would work on Haruhi would work on anyone else. She’s nothing like any other girl I’ve ever met.”

“That’s such a shame, Kyon-kun! Oh well! Just keep it up, and maybe she’ll take part in class activities a bit more often! Bye bye!”

I do have to admit, the sight of a girl in that particular kind of bikini strolling off through the corridors like it wasn’t anything at all would likely retain its mildly hypnotic effect on myself and the other boys in school for quite some time. It was a rather enjoyable sight, certainly, no matter what sort of peculiarities might be causing it. Still! It would be better to resolve this mystery than to leave it dangling in the wind, which left me wandering off to this meeting to discover whatever Mikuru and River may have found during their time together. I only hope that River was able to restrain herself from further fondling that poor, unfortunate “moe mascot”. The poor girl was probably traumatised enough as it was by yesterday’s actions, and it was honestly a surprise to see her willingly come back to the clubroom under her own free will. Speaking of, here I was standing outside the door, whereupon I took a deep breath...

Then I entered the clubroom, and very nearly collapsed where I stood. After all, as I have previously stated all four of the girls that make up the other members of the SOS Brigade are very, very attractive. Therefore the sight of all four of these girls in tiger printed swimwear came as quite the impact upon my burgeoning libido.

Particularly Asahina, but if anyone asks I said particularly Haruhi. That would have certainly been the case were it not for the busty second year’s presence...

As to what these girls were doing, exactly. River was in the middle of a handstand against the wall, with two books open underneath her. I have to admit that the boots, with that ever present tiger print, did rather suit her quite well. Though it would be easier to be certain of that were she the right way up. Yuki was in her usual place reading a book, again wearing that same manner of dress. It contrasted rather interestingly with her pale skin and blue hair. As for Haruhi and Asahina, one of the two of them was molesting the other. Guess which was which. And guess how much of Asahina’s bare breast I managed to catch sight of because of this, readily burned into my memory forever more.

“There you are!” Haruhi said, releasing the whimpering girl. “Now we can finally set about a new test about figuring out your name!”

I scratched my head in confusion. “I thought we were investigating the -” And I stopped myself. Just in time, as well. I remembered yesterday. I remembered that the - what had she called it? - memetic infection apparently altered the perception of anyone questioning it so that they in turn believed the bikinis were absolutely normal. Indeed, now that I think about it several of the boys had apparently believed it was perfectly normal earlier on, even if they did enjoy the view. Perhaps it would be better to feign ignorance for the time being then. Until such time as I could determine the cause, and perhaps even free them of this peculiarly erotic outbreak.

Or I could simply enjoy the new school uniform for what it was. Either way, continuing that statement was perhaps not wise. Not many people volunteer to have their thoughts influenced by external forces. For now, let’s simply get on with these tests and try not to let my stare linger too long in a place that it shouldn’t.

Though it must be said, Asahina’s presence in particular did not make this an easy task.

<hr>
The sun had set, and within an otherwise almost entirely empty apartment a girl was standing in front of a full length mirror. Just standing there. Staring. Unblinking eyes behind a pair of glasses that glimmered in the unnatural light bathing the room.

“Well well!” another voice said. “Look at you, checking yourself out! Never thought I’d catch you doing anything other than reading.”

“This is an attempt to understand the physical appeal,” Yuki said. “At present, limited success has been uncovered. Your report on observations?”

Ryoko chuckled and took a seat a little behind Yuki, taking the time to stretch out her arms in a rather unneeded gesture. Her muscles didn’t get tired in the same way humans did. It was true for both of them, in fact.

“He’s definitely the cause of this fashion trend,” Ryoko said, tugging on her new “school uniform” with a tremendous amount of mirth. “And the alteration to this planet’s known history as well. However! He doesn’t seem to know he’s even doing it. His expressed surprise appears to be quite genuine. His abilities to manipulate data may be on equal terms with our initial target.”

“We concur with this analysis,” Yuki said.

Ryoko rolled her eyes a bit, and gestured for Yuki to sit down. With a great deal of reluctance the bookworm did just that, sitting opposite Ryoko and looking just like an adorable doll in the process. “So how was it?” Ryoko asked after a moment. “I understand that you were physically present during their most recent mating attempt. Were there any additional detectable effects?”

“With the exception of increased effectiveness of previously observed sensation, no additional detectable effects were observed,” Yuki said.

“Oh? Not even the urge to join in?”
There are times when silence speaks the loudest. After a few moments of silent volumes filling the air, Ryoko tutted to herself and slipped around the table to embrace Yuki from behind. The smaller of the two girls didn’t even flinch or resist the contact, but if one were to look closely enough they could easily discern her discomfort.

“You’re so cute sometimes! I could just eat you up! Or maybe you’d prefer it if I ate you <i>out</i> like a few nights back? After all, if what you say is true you should be bursting at the seams right about now.”

“We have agreed that such activity is not conducive to our studies,” Yuki said, neither resisting or assisting as Ryoko’s tongue traced an outline around her ear.

“Oh, your lot may think that. But mine have reached a quite different conclusion,” Ryoko said. “If we are to better understand this peculiar influence and how it is even capable of affecting us, it is necessary that we perform all possible analysis. In.Cl.Ud.Ing. This. Besides which, if you really disagree... Why are these so hard all of a sudden?”

“This - This is merely a reaction to ex-external stimulus. This behaviour is a distraction from - “

“From sitting in a room, doing nothing until morning. All data has already been compiled and analysed to death by every faction, so all we can do is wait. On the other hand, we could create a little new data here tonight, and see what else it might tell us. Oh, I see! You’ve learned something from the humans you didn’t mean to, isn’t that right? How to lie to yourself. Well, that’s certainly something I can cure you of.”

“What,” Ryoko’s finger began a line down Yuki’s spine. “Do,” Upon reaching the bra strap, the finger hooked into it. “You,” The strap came open, and the bra slipped down Yuki’s chest, leaving Ryoko’s other hand unrestrained access to the bare breasts of the petite interface in front of her. Access she took full advantage of. “Think?”

Yuki slowly turned her head around, leaning back in Ryoko’s grip. “Request... Approved,” she said, leaning her head upwards into the smiling face of her former backup.