So, what's the first thing you'd want to do on an alien world far away from home? Perhaps sleep it off? Sample the local cuisine? See their landmarks? Learn about their culture?
All good ideas. Unless you were Ataru Moroboshi. At which point there was only one natural thing to do: Your very best Captain Kirk impersonation.
"Hello. My name is. Ataru Moroboshi," he said to a really cute short haired Oni girl who was flying down the street completely on her own. “I was wondering if you might teach me your ways.”
"Jub vf guvf thl? Vf ur n Yhpxl Tbq? Ab, abg arneyl rabhtu yrngure." The girl said, revealing the greatest flaw in trying to pick up women in another culture. The language barrier. She did not speak Japanese, and Ataru did not speak Oni.
"Cneqba uvz, ur'f fhccbfrq gb or jvgu zr."
Cue Lum swooping down and tweaking Ataru's ear, dragging him away from the alien babe he was hitting on. Sakura and Shinobu not that far behind.
“I was so close!” Ataru whined. This isn't how it went for Kirk!
“Darling,can't you tell from how she has black and yellow stripes instead of yellow and black clothing? She’s gay.” Lum said.
“...how can you tell the difference between that?” Shinobu said.
"Eh? You mean, humans don't broadcast their sexual preferences by colour coordination?" Lum asked. "How strange."
“Generally we don’t broadcast them at all.” Sakura said.
"Eh, really? I've been trying to work it out all this time!" Lum protested.
In that short space of time, Shinobu had skipped off to the lesbian Oni and was in the middle of frenching her into next week. Ataru tried not to stare, Shinobu had made the hand gesture they had cooked up saying she had this.
"So if colours don't broadcast sexual preference, why did I see so many people wearing similar clothes with different colours?"
One of Shinobu’s hands slipped under the Oni girls top, she let out a giggle.
“It’s just fashion, surely you have that?” Sakura said, feeling slightly baffled at how weird alien culture could be.
Meanwhile, Shinobu had pushed the Oni girl up against a wall, and then buried her face into the nape of the girl's neck.
"Eh? Well, no... Um, if the universal translator is picking this up properly, fashion doesn't really exist out here. People tend to wear the same kind of clothes day in and day out. Except for, like, special occasions like dates and parties. Maybe we change clothing every couple months at most."
Suddenly the Oni girl slipped out of Shinobu's reach by flying straight up. She got behind the human, mumbled "Jungrire lbh ner, vf guvf nern frafvgvir gbb?" and slipped her hands underneath the top of Shinobu's bikini. Shinobu very quickly pulled out a book titled <i>Oni to Japanese Dictionary, Printed by Invader Press</i> and flipped through it with one hand, somehow still making out with the girl at the same time.
“Well on earth we have multiple outfits, and even uniforms for working.” Sakura said.
“Yeah, like sailor uniforms for school, nurse outfits… oh and school swimsuits are nice too…” Ataru said, picturing cute girls in uniform.
By now the Oni girl was fully upside down, groping Shinobu's breasts while peppering kisses about her face. Shinobu for her part was smiling as she read from the book: "Gunax lbh, V guvax V'ir yrnearq fbzrguvat nobhg Bav nangbzl abj." She was very fast at learning things when it let her pick up hot girls.
"Well, that doesn't make any sense at all," Lum sighed. "Why make several different kinds of clothes when all you really need is something casual and something smart? It would save you a lot of hassle having to change clothes all the time, in my view."
By this point Shinobu was stretching out her arms and leaving a panting, wheezing, gasping for air lesbian Oni floating in the middle of the street.
"Gosh I'm tired, let's head off for a rest!" Shinobu said with mischief dancing in her eyes.
"Oh no! Not yet!" Lum said. She pulled out some kind of a pill and flicked it into Shinobu's mouth. And then... the girl bounced off the buildings like a pinball before winding up right back where she started. "There we go, that should pep you right up!"
"Ah, Shinobu are you -"
"Comeonguyslet'sgoseethesights!" Shinobu said, twitching slightly. Uh oh. Whatever that pill was, it was working overtime on Shinobu right now. That couldn't be good! "I'msohypeduptobeonanalienworldrightnowcanyoubelieveit?"
"If I may make a suggestion?" Sakura asked. In the time that Ataru took to turn around Shinobu was already giving the priestess a shoulder rub. "Ahh.... Why don't we try out the local cuisine? I am quite curious to see what Oni food is like."
"I know a fantastic restaurant that will cater to your needs!" Lum said. Then she whirled around excitedly and flew off down the street. "This way, this way!"
"I swear, it feels like she's more excited to show us around than we are to be here."
"Atarulet'sfuckrighthereinthemiddleofthestreet,Icangethermotorrunninginnotimeflat!" As Shinobu bounced off after Lum, the young lesbian oni girl tucked a piece of paper into the less than ordinary girl’s blouse. Any Oni would be able to tell that it was a phone number.
"The scary part is, someone like Lum is considered a normal girl here," Sakura said. And just like that the girl that was half blur, half pervert suddenly reeled and twitched in a whole new set of disturbing ways.
"Heyguyswhyareyouallslowallofasudden?" super hyper ultra normal girl Shinobu Miyake asked without taking a breath. "BecauseI'mperfectlyordinarysoitmustbeyouthat'sabnormalnotme!"
<hr>
"No, Miss Lum! I'm afraid we can't book a table for you," the Oni at the restaurant said quite urgently. “Not after the last date you had nearly put us out of business!”
On looking around a bit Lum could indeed see quite plainly that there were many, many pictures of Rei in both forms with great big red X right across his features. He wasn't just banned. He was to be teleported halfway across the galaxy on sight.
"Oh, I'm not dating Rei anymore," Lum said, waving the matter off. "My new boyfriend is a human, his appetite is perfectly ordinary. I've never seen him eat more than a plateful at a time."
"Well why didn't you say so earlier?" the Oni waiter said, suddenly turning obnoxiously obsequious at the drop of a hat. To answer his question: Because she didn't notice it was an issue until he pointed it out. "We'd be more than happy to cater to the needs of a new alien race. Hohoho!"
"There'll be four of us in total," Lum said. "Two other humans."
"Oh I'm sure that won't be a problem!" the waiter Oni chuckled. "We'll have your table ready in no time at all! And this time we won't have our entire food stock eaten by a single gluttonous pig!"
<hr>
"Kukukukukuku..." Sakura laughed evilly. She then suddenly shook her head and slapped an ofuda on her own forehead. "Something wicked tried to possess me just now."
“Are you sure that wasn’t just your own desires bubbling up to the surface?” Ataru said, one hand patting just above her rear.
As if in response to this her stomach growled. It sounded like someone had discovered and opened the gates to hell. Revealing in all its horror a truly bottomless pit that has but a single equal in all the universe. Feel pity for that waiter and his colleagues, for they are about to step into that pit without knowing.
"Ohdearmenoyoucan'tgoaboutlikethat," Shinobu said. It was amazing. Ataru didn't know how she was doing it. Not the part where she was rushing around putting coats over all the beautiful Oni babes. The part where she was finding those coats in the first place! "AtarustopstaringatallthehalfnakedsexysosexynoI'mordinaryI'mnotapervert!"
“What desires of hers are bubbling up with that?” Sakura asked Ataru. He could only shrug.
"Jealousy?" Ataru suggested. "I mean, such a thing is completely ordinary here, so -"
As soon as he said that Shinobu stopped cold in her tracks. She'd turned pale. Her movements had completely stopped - well, except for the intense vibration of her entire body.
"It'sordinaryheretowearbikinis," Shinobu said, and it was weird but Ataru could hear the gears turning in her head. "I'manordinarygirlonanalienworld. SinceI'mordinary -"
Off came the coat she'd put on herself. Ah! Bliss! This was much more like it.
"Mustwearsluttybikini!"" Shinobu announced with a manic grin on her pretty face. "Sluttybikinisordinarynormalandnotpervertedintheleastonthisplanet!"
"Nice!" Ataru gave her a big thumbs up. Then got slapped by a hyper-active perfectly normal human girl who could bench a car. Yeah, so far he wasn't seeing too much different from back on Earth if he was perfectly honest.
- A restaurant learns the horror of a woman named Sakura.
- Perfectly normal Shinobu struggles with the conflict of her hypnotic programming and the norms of Oni society.
- Mr. and Mrs. Invader give word to one of Lum’s friends that she’s in town.
- Lum spots a chance to flirt with Ataru. And maybe fool around a little...?
- Something else
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