Sunday, 2 December 2018

Story: Dojikko Ken




Ranma had been to a lot of schools up until now. Some all boy, some unisex. They travelled a lot, him and his old man. That's how he got the paperwork sorted so fast. With as much practise as he was getting it was one of the few things he'd admit pops was good at.

In any event he knew what to expect, more or less. He'd stand at the front of the classroom. Put his hands behind his back. Let the teacher say "Hello class. Today we have a new student. This is Ranma Saotome."

Then he'd bow and say "Please take care of me." Look for an empty seat - and there was one right next to Akane, naturally - and sit down. Then came the work of trying to figure out who to become friends with. It usually didn't take long. The interesting sort usually got his attention first, and from there he could roll with it.

Sure enough, as expected, he felt something bounce off the back of his head pretty quickly. A paper ball. A message had been sent to him. Judging from where it hit him from, it was to his left...? Yeah, sure enough a boy over that side of the room was nodding and smiling at him. Right then. Time to make some acquaintances that didn't have anything to do with his weird fiancee -

<i>'Is it true you're shacking up with the cutest girl in school?'</i>

Ugh! Enough of that! He wasn't even sure how to deal with this weird girl and her weird martial arts style yet. But he'd get it! He always worked these weird styles out, learned something from them, then incorporated them into his style.

Another paper ball. This time he caught it. This time it came from a different boy, who was sitting next to the first one.

<i>'What my friend Daisuke means to ask is, why was Akane Tendo - perpetual cutie - carrying in a buff guy like you? Shouldn't it be the other way around?'</i>

This... this was not helping his state of mind. Curious that. Cute this, cute that. He didn't much care for cute to be honest. Looking across at her... she was kinda cute, he guessed? Not that he was into that kind of thing, no sir. Heck! His girl form was way cuter and sexier to boot.

Which made it extremely annoying to him that he could not get a handle on that weird fighting style. At all. Oh well. He'd endure this morning's class and then deal with making friends at lunchtime.

<hr>

"Oh my god, he is super into you!"

Honestly. Akane rolled her eyes and sighed. Can she not at least take a bite of her lunch before Sayuri started to ship her? Was that too much to ask? Actually, you know something? Akane was not even going to dignify that with a response. She was going to keep on eating her sandwich and ignore all the nonsense coming out of Sayuri's mouth.

"She's right you know," Yuka nodded. "He was staring at you all through class. He's got it ba~ad."

Akane coughed and sputtered on a piece of her delicious lunch, a wad of rice getting stuck in her throat. On clearing it she stared dead eyed at Yuka. "Even you, Yuka?" she choked out.

“I am an impartial observer.” Yuka said, “And I can tell you that <b>something’s</b> going on with him.”

"We're training partners!" Akane protested. "I mean, sure there's that thing going on with our fathers but -"

"Aha! So you admit it!"

Did... did the tree they were leaning against just speak? Woah! That was a bokken! Akane barely managed to roll out of the way of that one, making it seem like she'd tripped over nothing while standing up.

“At long last, you admit your martial skill, now come Akane Tendo, date with me!” Kuno said.

Akane wondered how exactly that chain of logic worked. Actually it might be better if she didn't know. It felt like the kind of secret that might drive you mad if you ever learned it. So instead she fell back to her training, and adopted that pleasant slightly ditzy gaze that was so key to Dojikko-ken’s success. “What do you mean Upperclassman? Even if I had martial arts skill, why would I have to date you?”

Being asked to actually explain his logic seemed to derail Kuno’s thought process, because he paused mid ramble about how wonderful the date would be. “Because… because you’ve been testing me?” He finally managed to say.

“I have?” Cutesy innocent wide eyed expression, don't fail her now. "Why would I do something like that?"

"Because... You had to be sure of my ability to perceive the true you! The fearsome warrior that lies inside!" He shouted dramatically thrusting his bokken forward and getting dangerously close to clocking Akane on the head.

Well, he would be close if he wasn’t correct in at least one matter and Akane actually was a highly talented martial artist. "Uwah, you're scaring me!" Akane ducked under the thrust and put her hands over her head. Incidentally, this also resulted in her putting her feet out and kicking the tree hard enough that it tipped over... and began to roll off down the courtyard.

<hr>

Somehow, some way, Ranma Saotome had already made a pair of friends. Two boys who seemed to be obsessed with his 'fiancee'. Ugh! Why did that girl have to yell it where everyone could hear?

"So, how'd you two meet?" Hiroshi asked. "Was it love at first sight, or did you have to know each other for a while before you hit it off?"

This got him a sharp elbow from Daisuke. "Sorry about him. He's been crushing on Akane since middle school."

"So have you!"

"Well, I have the common sense to not probe the new guy on his romantic life!"

"In other words, you wanna get buddy buddy with him and get him to spill the dirt in a couple of months time. Man... That's a really smart plan!"

This earned him a flat look from both Daisuke and Ranma. "Yeah, sorry. I don't have a romantic life," Ranma shrugged. "Akane's not my fiancee. She's my training partner, and her friend's got this weird romantic idea about the two of us."

"Hold on, wait up. Training partner?" Daisuke asked. "Wait, wait. You and Akane... train? In what, exactly?"

"Martial arts," Ranma said. Ah, now he could let some pride into his voice. These boys wanted to get to know him? Well, you begin and end with martial arts. "I'm pretty good too. Check this out."

And so he jumped from ground level all the way up to their classroom two floors up. Heh. He jumped back down and made it look easy. "Don't try that at home," Ranma warned, then casually put his index finger on the ground and used it to balance his entire weight. "Don't try this either."

"Uh... Ranma, this doesn't seem safe," Hiroshi said.

"Oh, don't worry! I'm a trained martial artist," Ranma said, hopping to the index finger on his other hand. "I can keep this up for hours." Hah! This'll get 'em to stop yammering on about that kinda cute girl!

"No really this doesn't seem safe," Daisuke insisted. Both boys stepped back.

"Nah, trust me. A little thing like this is -"

Then he saw it. The tree rolling towards him. Pretty fast, too. As if this wasn't unusual enough it kind of looked like there was someone stuck inside the tree. His instincts as a martial artist kicked in twice in quick succession: He had to dodge, and he also had to rescue the person stuck in the tree!

Do note that he would regret the latter of these in short order.

Ranma hopped up and landed on the tree, then began to kick his feet in reverse to halt the tree's momentum.

"You're alright buddy! I'll get you out of there!"

"Wait, Ranma! Be careful!" Hiroshi shouted.

"Don't worry, I got this!" Ranma yelled back. Heh. The tree was already slowing down. This wasn't gonna cause him any trouble at all. His balance was steady, his reaction time was sharp.

"He means that you're heading right towards the pool!" Daisuke shouted.

The pool? The pool?! Looking back over his shoulder Ranma could see it. Water! Cold water at that! "Ah! Why is it always wat-"

Splash. In they both went. Fortunately the tree fell apart on the impact and the person inside was clearly conscious, just kind of extremely dizzy from rolling around like that. So Ranma grabbed hold of him and dragged him up to the surface.

"Hey, you alright?" Ranma yelled.

"I'm fine Mrs Pumpkin, how are you..." that guy Kuno stammered. His eyes were still rolling around in his head, and his pupils were swirly. Wasn't this that jerk that was trying to pick a fight with Akane? Well... One of the jerks trying to pick a fight with her. The second most competent one, behind that cheerleader chick.

Kuno shook his head and looked Ranma square in the face. Then reached up to grab her chest. "You're a girl," he said. She decked him one on reflex - then leaped out of the pool and ran away.

Crap! Crap, crap, crap! This was the last thing she needed! They were already gossiping about her and Akane as it was, if this curse got out on top of that... Oooh! The gossip, the horrible gossip! She was sure of it, the mere mention of it would turn her to stone instantly!

Unfortunately the worst thing you can do with gossip is run off to let someone's imaginations fill in the blanks themselves. Especially when it's a mind as twisted up and weird as a Kuno's mind.

“A young girl, forced into an engagement with another girl?!” Kuno roared. "This cannot be! That poor pigtailed beauty! No doubt she was forced to dress and behave like a boy by an insane father, whose goals and motives remain utterly opaque and yet he is persistent beyond the point of all reason in asserting her masculinity!"

"... Did he just describe Ryuunosuke Fujinami from Urusei Yatsura?" Daisuke asked.

"Did someone just namedrop my favourite closeted lesbian character in fiction?" Sayuri said, appearing out of nowhere with a Ryuunosuke posable figure clutched tightly in her arms.

“I should have known Sayuri Sato would support such deviance, she always did seem far too interested in Akane Tendo to be normal female friendship.” Kuno said, and Sayuri slapped him on the back of the head. “That did not hurt you know.” He said to her.

Sayuri glowered at him, “I’ll get back at you later.”

“Wait, Sato, is Ranma a girl?” Hiroshi said.

“It’s amazing isn’t it.” Sayuri said.

  1. Cue Ranma's madcap search for hot water.
  2. Mariko isn't done with Akane today, not by a long shot!
  3. Kuno spreads around his misunderstanding, thinking it will help Ranma (that poor dear)
  4. Something else

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