Story: Kiss-O-Matic

Have this short Love Hina story, while I put together Sexy Akane. It's coming along pretty well, and I should be able to post it by monday. Enjoy!


There are few things one can encounter more genuinely terrifying than a mad scientist. You know the sort. Cackling in a thunderstorm, gloating about their latest creation and how it mocks or blasphemes against God. These are the sort of people who let any old idle thought drive them to action. Any inspiration will do, and to make sure it works they'll need a test subject! Or material to work with. Say, old buddy, why don't you step over here and take a drink? You look dead tired, and could do with a rest… Next thing you know, your head is a cat – not the head of a cat, mind, your head is literally an entire cat – and you breathe tomato soup. Oh, and you also have this crushing urge to beg for death at any opportunity granted to you. Can't forget that. Alternatively you might get lucky and merely be murdered by an abomination against nature rather than becoming one.

Or maybe they're the sort that invents devices. Like the one that teaches proper grammar usage by zapping anyone around it that poorly forms a sentence. Or the robotic arm that just can't stop throttling poultry due to a really, really badly programmed telepathic circuit. Whichever way you slice it, mad scientists are bad news for anyone.

One of the few things worse, for those curious? Hyperactive mad scientists.

Enter: Su Kaolla. Or perhaps more accurately, enter Su Kaolla's room which doubles as her laboratory. See the wires strewn about her floor. See the manic grin upon her face behind welding goggles as she puts the finishing touches on the casing for some metal thing that is currently too hidden by the bright light to properly gaze upon.

“Done!” she proudly declares, holding up the… thing. It looked sort of like a metallic spider, around about the size of a person's head. Su begins to prance around the room, waving the thing about while shrieking triumphantly. “Done, done done done done! Hahaha! It's finished! Finished! Finished!”

All of a sudden, she stopped, flipped the metallic spider onto its back and stared at the underside. The underneath was the part of the whole thing that seemed really, really weird. There was a kind of hole with a large plastic… thing inside of it. It held a malleable appearance, for it was in fact intended to be so. It moved under the power of tiny gadgets within, could shape itself within reasonable boundaries, even slightly exiting the hole within which it resided. As for the hole itself, there did not appear to be anything particularly peculiar about it save the similarly flexible material framing it. What could this design possible be intended for? What possible use could such a thing have? What fresh abomination, what danger to those around her had Su constructed this time?

“Eh?” Shinobu said a little while later as she stared down at the table across which the metallic spider was striding, almost as though shyly examining its surroundings. “What does this thing do?”

Su grinned wildly, lifted her hands into the air and said “Behold! This is the kiss-o-matic! Ever wonder what a kiss tastes like? Well, now we can find out! Now we can practise and learn what it's like when mister manager and Naru kiss!”

“… I'm not sure they've done anything like that yet,” Shinobu said with a faint blush that very quickly deepened until she shook her head quite quickly to get rid of the mental imagery. “But I don't understand. How does this work?”

“Hey, what's that?” Mitsune said, stumbling in through the door to the dining area. “Looks kinda weird. Another of your inventions? What does it-  whoa!”

Suddenly, Mitsune slipped on some spilled milk that Shinobu was about to clean up just before Su entered the room. She stumbled forward, hitting the table but managing to get her hands on it in time to stop herself from getting hurt. She grinned in victory… Until the very same glass the milk had been spilled from tumbled over, right on top of the spider. It made a sound like an electronic yelp from hell, then leaped onto Mitsune's face. She tumbled to the floor while Shinobu gasped and Su watched in interest. Mitsune clawed at the creature on her face for a few moments, desperately trying to get free of it. Its legs had already wrapped around her head. It was hurting her! Except… Except that all of a sudden, she stopped struggling and her mumbles took on a markedly different tone. So too did her body language. No longer writhing in fear and terror. More like writhing in… Something else that Shinobu didn't recognise.

All of a sudden it hopped off Mitsune's head, and scurried out of the room. “Hey, this is no time for hide and seek!” Su yelled, scurrying after her now free invention; like creation, like creator. “There's science to be done!”

But Shinobu instead kneeled down beside Mitsune, who was lying prone on the floor. Staring up at the ceiling with eyes that were – for once – actually visible. A smile twitching on her lips, her breathing heavy.

“Are you – are you alright?” Shinobu asked, worry only increasing moment by moment. “It didn't hurt you, did it?”

Mitsune blinked and sat up, turning towards Shinobu as she did so. “… Did I at least get his phone number?” she asked, trying and failing to pull herself up to her feet. “Funny… I can't even remember what he looked like… Hell of a kisser, though.”

1: Su and the kiss-o-matic have a madcap chase throughout the dorm.
2: The kiss-o-matic has an encounter with Motoko. A clash for the ages!
3: The kiss-o-matic encounters Naru coming out of the bath, and goes for the wrong lips entirely.
4: Mitsune soon snaps out of the kiss-induced delirium, but starts behaving strangely in a different way.
5: Something else