Story: Those Annoying Humans

For the first time in half a year, Ataru Moroboshi sets foot outside his home. He blinks in the sunlight. He breathes in the fresh air. He hears the sounds of birds singing. He feels the warmth of the sun against his skin. It's... beautiful. No other word for it. After being inside for so long it is simply gorgeous out here.

Though not nearly as pretty as the three chicks walking past his house clad in naught but tiger print bikinis and thigh high gogo boots!

Some skills you forget with disuse. Others come back to you like riding a bike. You think you've forgotten, but you've still got the knack. In the case of one Ataru Moroboshi he had not gone girl hunting in six months time. For him it wasn't a matter of forgetting. You see, he couldn't ever forget something like this. All that happened instead was a built up release of energy and, to cut a long story short, he teleported in a cloud of perverted smoke outside the garden and next to the trio.

"Hi ladies!" he said, taking care to examine and memorise every single inch of exposed flesh before moving onto the not exposed flesh. This way he could fill in the blanks himself. "My, my! Oni fashion does you all kinds of favours! I simply must know your names, your numbers, your addresses and your three - No, no! No need to tell me your three sizes, I already have a pretty solid idea!"

This was where the expected electric shock hit him like a bolt from the blue. Sure enough it's probably a familiar sight for most readers: Ataru being shocked by a pretty girl in a tiger print bikini. But this was a human being. She didn't have the special powers innate to the Oni race. Nope! Not at all. She just had a taser.

"Weirdo!" one of them spat.

"Huh... He seemed familiar didn't he?" another mused. "Wasn't he the boy that lost to Lady Lum in the tag race? We are outside his house."

"Pft, no way! That guy was way more handsome than that loser!"

“Yeah he was not near as pale. Or as skinny. Nor did he have this crazy gleam in his eye.”

"As if traitors to the human race have any right to say anything!"


"Yipes!" the girls jumped. "It's that crazy psycho-chick with no fashion sense!"

And off they ran down the street, scared spitless of Shinobu. When he turned around Ataru kind of saw the point. That was not a face you wanted to be within twenty feet of unless you happened to like getting your balls chewed off. Which was a fetish Ataru would permit no woman to indulge in, thank you very much!

"Dummy!" Shinobu flicked him on the forehead. Then she strode across the street and helped pull Ataru out of the hole in the wall that he'd made with his body. "We need to be working out ways to fight back against the Oni, not reinforcing this crummy, slutty, overbearing new fashion sense! I bet they've woven some kind of parasitic life-form into the threads to take over everyone's minds! We've got to find out a way to save them, not hit on them!"

Right, right. Come to think of it she had become a bit of a slightly twitchy conspiracy theorist in the last six months, hadn't she? It was a bit difficult to spot that when he was isolating himself so much from everyone else, but now that he was coming back out into the world at large the least Ataru could do was summon up all of his knowledge about Shinobu to say exactly the right thing to help her calm down.

"You'd look really hot in that bikini," he nodded sagely. The next thing Ataru new he was being embedded slightly into a wall again, except this time he was being held up. Namely by Shinobu. By the neck.

“Don’t even joke about that!” Shinobu said. "I will never submit to those evil alien overlords! I will never - " Shinobu stopped to gulp. "Slip on those comfortable looking bikinis and parade around my body for all to see, the tiger print flattering my figure." The look in her eyes dialed up the crazed and far off seeing. "I'll never strut down the street where everyone can see me barely wearing anything at all! With the gogo boots forcing me to adjust my posture to something sexier and more healthy, not to mention more confident in my appeal."

"Uh... Shinobu?"

"Not to mention how much it'll make my recent breast growth much more obvious! I'd be able to walk around with my head held high knowing the girls are getting a good showing!"

"Sh-Shinobu?"

“And… and they’ll gawk at me and undress me with their eyes! Then some alien prince will decide I’d make a good girlfriend and take me to his spaceship and the next thing I know there’s a bikini wedding dress!” She shrieked.

"Shinobu?!"

"What do you want you lame boring earthling?! I mean... Like I was saying I would never submit to the Oni no matter what! So what's with the interruption?"

"You're drawing a crowd."

Shinobu slowly turned to peer over her shoulder. Sure enough, there was a group of people behind her, all of them in the now standard Oni attire. One of them took a picture, and a moment later the scarily strong girl smiled and slowly lowered Ataru back to the ground.

Weirdly, Ataru was still really turned on by this. After all, Shinobu had never ranted about repressed seuxal desires and covered them up with planetary patriotism before! It was new and interesting! And hey, if he managed to save the Earth maybe she’d still marry him. Also he really wanted to see that bikini wedding dress.

"Hahahaha!" Shinobu laughed while curtseying. "Excuse us! Goodbye!" She grabbed hold of Ataru and began hauling him down the street, with her free hand she then reached into her bag, pulled out a roll of tinfoil and started wrapping it around her head. "I know what you're doing! You're using your alien mind control beams to make me want to wear those super comfortable looking bikinis that everyone I know is wearing and looks super - Cut it out! Stop that! I won't fall for it!"

"This is still super hot," Ataru muttered to himself.

<hr>

Do you know the biggest problem with being so fabulously wealthy? Boredom. Everything is handed to you. All you have to do is ask, and your wildest fantasies can be realised. That was why Ryoko 'acted out'. Tormented her brother. Tormented everyone she met, for that matter. From the perspective of Ryoko Mendo life had recently become a lot more interesting. And why shouldn't it when she had gained a brand new playmate?

"What is it that Earth boys like?" said the pretty alien girl who had a physique many human women would gladly commit murder for. Not Ryoko of course, her figure was rather splendid as it was. "Would using my tractor beam to suck him into my UFO be a faux pas? That’s how I met my last boyfriend.”

“Generally that’s considered kidnapping.”

"But he's not a goat. Nor would he be asleep."

Ryoko gave her a flat look at that remark. "Lum, we both know you speak the language fluently, please do not try to kid a kidder."

"Fooey! I'll get you one of these days!" Lum stuck her tongue out at the girl.

No she wouldn't. The girl was probably considered quite the trickster up in space, but down here on Earth she would have to really up her game. Perhaps it was the absurdly advanced, almost magical technology that made insane pranks so easy in space? Ryoko could accomplish more with a lie then Lum did with cyber-clones. Not to say that Ryoko regularly lied to Lum, not her. She knew who buttered the bread now, and as long as she stayed in the Oni’s good graces then everything would go well.

Not to mention that Lum occasionally gave her new technology to torture - ah, play with her brother. That one time she used that temporary double ray gun to make a dozen Tombimaru’s had been hilarious. Then there was the time that she trapped him in that pitch black pocket universe. Oh, and the time she had tricked him into getting into a fist fight with his own future self! That had taken quite some planning but it had been quite worth it in the end.

This was about the time that she noticed a quirk of phrasing Lum had used a little while ago. "Last boyfriend?" Ryoko repeated. "That's what you said before, right? Don't tell me you intend to date this Moroboshi boy."

"Maybe I do. Maybe not!" Lum said. Now she was holding up two 'fancy' variants of her tiger print swimsuit. Technically speaking she only had the one bikini, but it seemed as though she wasn't counting her 'special occasion' outfits. "Which looks cuter?"

"The right one," Ryoko said. Lum immediately discarded it, just as Ryoko had wanted. She was still a step behind on the bluff-double bluff game. Then again that left bikini on that body was still going to leave men drooling like the pigs they all secretly were. "What I mean is, are you quite serious? The only interaction you've had with him is humiliating him in front of the entire world half a year ago." Ryoko stopped a moment after saying that. Oh goodness. She really had to up her game, that was rather <i>tremendous</i> trolling.

“He’s interesting.” Lum said, “I’m sure we can learn a bit more about each other in a more casual context!”

"Might I suggest practising safe casual context?" Ryoko advised, only half joking. "You wouldn't want to accidentally discover how biologically compatible our species are, do you?"

“I don’t think that’s much of a problem. We Oni have live births.” Lum said. “So I don’t think there’s going to be any freaky hybrids.”

Live births? What, like Humans didn’t- “Oh? So how does your species intercourse and birth work?”

Lum’s face reddened, “Well, uh, you know… it’s like.. The male puts their… thing. Into the female, and there’s internal insemination and the baby grows in our… body.”

“Oh? Fascinating.” Ryoko said, somehow managing to hide the massive shit-eating grin that was within her soul. Her face remained astonishingly neutral throughout all of it. “That sounds a little odd to me.”

“Yeah, my dad told me about how Humans reproduce. You girls lay eggs in pools of water and the male inseminates them right?”

“Yes that is exactly how it goes.” Ryoko lied through her teeth. “It’s why it’s called the Birds and the Bees. The birds lay the eggs and the bees drop the pollen on them.”

There was a sound like a thunderous hammer. It actually made Lum jump when it happened "What was that?" she asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't have breakfast," Ryoko smoothly lied. Actually, it had been the sound of her restrained laughter knocking desperately so it could get out.

“And then once the eggs hatch and the larvae develop into tiny baby humans storks come pick them up to deliver them to the proper parents right? I don’t get how that works, evolution wise.” Lum asked.

“That’s a long and involved history. The stork-mankind symbiosis has been the subject of centuries of study and discussion.” Ryoko said. "I'm sure if you looked into it you would find all manner of references to the involvement of storks in the reproductive process, especially in Western media."

"Why Western media?"

"They're a little less shy on such matters for whatever reason," Ryoko shrugged. "One need only look at the predominance of graphic violence in their work to understand the difference in outlook."

"Hrm... Well, that's a shame. I've heard that our way is a lot more fun. If a human had been interesting enough, I might have tried it out with them... Oh well, I doubt they'd be interested.”

Clong! This time Ryoko dropped to her knees from the internal impact of holding in her laughter.

“Are you OK?” Lum asked, leaning over her friend.

“I’m fine. I was overcome with the thought of an Oni/human hybrid." Ryoko said, “It was far too cute. Alas, it will never be, if only my brother understood anything about sex and women.”

"I wouldn't want to mate with your brother anyway," Lum sharply decreed. "He's all looks and that's all. I've had enough of that for a lifetime, thank you very much! I want someone interesting in my life!" When you have thousands of species of various sexual and genetic compatibilities relationships could stretch in pretty unique ways on the Galactic Dating Scene. And Lum did not want anything remotely ‘vanilla’ right now. She had tried that already. And then that 'vanilla' had demanded she make him some curry. Then more curry, and more, and more...

“I completely agree about wanting something interesting.” Ryoko said, though she was sure that the two of them had different definitions of interesting.

Then the door to Ryoko’s room was kicked open. “So… Dark… so… scary! Princess!” Shutaro walked through the door, his eyes twitching and his voice very high pitched. “I got the hot sauce!” He said, wobbling to the chair she was sitting in. He sat the bottle down on a small side table next to her, “As… always… I do my best… for you.”

"Thank you Mr. Mendo, I'll see you later!" Lum said, swanning out of the room without giving him a second look. Or for that matter a first.

Shutaro’s eyes didn’t move from the bottle of hot sauce he had just gone through hell to get. "You're quite welcome," he said nervously. "Though I do have to wonder what you wanted it for!"

A few seconds later, after it was reasonably certain that Lum had definitely gone, a smile crept up onto Ryoko's face. "Heh," she chuckled. "Hehehe... Hehehehehehehehe! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

"Ryoko? Are you quite alright little sister?"

To which the girl nodded her head quite enthusiastically, continuing to laugh the entire time. Then she grabbed hold of her brother's lapels and flipped him over onto the floor, planting a foot on his chest and then seizing hold of the bottle of hot sauce with a gleam of mischief in her eyes that was even greater than normal.

"Sister?! What has taken hold of you?" she leaned down and grabbed Shutaro's lower jaw, forcing his mouth open. Then, the bottle was upended, emptying its spicy hot contents down the boy's throat. "Mmmph!" he impotently yelled, thrashing around while his sister laughed and laughed and laughed.

Oh, but this Moroboshi boy might prove to be extremely entertaining! She hadn't even met him yet and he was already making her laugh this much! “Come on dear brother, we’ve got to escort our cute Princess!”


Shinobu attempts to rally a resistance movement. It turns out they totally misunderstood what she was attempting to do.

The first few hours of school are more educational than usual as Ataru gets a first hand lesson about the new world order.

Lum gets lost and runs into a girl wearing the traditional boy's Oni wear. It turns out Ryuunosuke is a lot more obviously feminine in those clothes.

Ran finally decides to come down to see what this new planet is like.

Something else