"Ranma, no! Lava lamps are not for drinking!" Akane yelled, grabbing onto Ranma's arm with both hands and trying in vain to pull him away from it.
"But Akane! If I drink this then I'll, you know, understand <i>everything</i>!" Ranma whined. "The nature of time and space and where it put my snacks!”
Akane groaned and shot a glance back to Shampoo, who was idly playing video games and completely ignoring the situation. That girl! No sense of empathy about her at all! Leaving it all to Akane to deal with.
"You could help out!" she yelled across the room.
"No need," Shampoo answered. "He kind of high that get distracted super easy."
"Woah!" Ranma suddenly stopped struggling. "Did you know about these hand things? Look at the way the fingers move, they're like little wiggling worms. Hehehe."
"See? Is nothing to worry about. Kitchen wrecker need to calm tits, is nothing to worry about."
The room became silent, the air became still. The only sound was that of a stoner joke getting old fast. After a moment Cologne coughed.
"How strange," the old woman said. "Usually a comment like that would be the cue for something wild and zany to happen."
Which is when there was a knock at the door. Nabiki, standing next to it, opened it wide and was quickly pushed aside by a rather oversized leaf. "If that got sprained you're paying for my medical bill!" she warned.
Akane gasped and instinctively stepped in front of her blitzed fiance, adopting a battle position and waiting for the twins to pop their heads in. Whatever tricks they had up their sleeves wouldn't work on her. Shampoo was taking this seriously as well - or at least that was Akane's impression until Shampoo hip bumped her out of the way.
"Clumsy toilet girl get airen hurt! Let Shampoo protect. Go scrub bowl."
"You really think this is the time for this?" Akane yelled.
"Wind condition, set!"
"Moisture level, set!"
"Silly weak girl not used to plant tricks. Only get in way."
"Uh, Pink? I don't think they are paying us any attention, over!"
"Ooh! You're just using this as a chance to get close to Ranma!"
"You're right Link, over! Let's just sneak on by them and plant the flower, over!"
Cue Akane and Shampoo bickering over how they would deal with the twins, while said twins blatantly waltzed into the cafe. Nabiki and Cologne looked at this scene with abject disbelief, with Cologne producing a bag of popcorn from a hidden drawer, offering a handful to Nabiki as well.
"And another thing!" Akane yelled. "The way that you blatantly throw yourself at him is obviously turning him off, because you're embarrassing him in - Wait, I think we got really badly off topic. What were we arguing about again?"
“Shampoo think it something about how much better wife Shampoo be than Akane.” Shampoo said. "Is probably not important, since that too too obvious."
Plink. The twins dropped a flower on Ranma’s head. “Behold, Shampoo!” Link said. "The flower of the Perfect Husband! Your marriage is over!”
Now, one thing that needs to be made clear (and would be later made clear to Ranma) is the differences in gender roles. Men’s scarcity meant that the role they most often fulfilled was the caretaker of the home. But the way the stereotypical house husband worked is different compared to the reality Ranma comes from. Namely, a husband was supposed to obey his wives completely… while also being willing to fight off any threats to his wives. In short, Men are expected to be Bodyguard/Servant combos.
"Wait, I thought we were going to put that on Shampoo..." Pink said. "Never mind! Husband, protect your wives!"
"Sure thing Akane!" Ranma said with a hint of a wistful sigh. "Anything for the one I love!"
Shampoo growled, “What going on!?”
“Oh? It’s our own special blend, over!” Link said, holding her hand over her mouth as she laughed. “Behold! With the combined power of the Poisonous Male Flower of Anger and the Medicinal Female Flower of Devotion, we have made the Flower of the Perfect Husband! He’ll love and obey the first few women he sees, and violently protect us from any threat, over!”
“So why did we put it on Shampoo’s husband, over?” Pink asked.
"I mean, look at him. He's way cuter than I was expecting! Aren't you Ranma?"
“I am super hot, thanks for noticing Nabiki! Just like your lovely legs and your butt and your waist...”
So Nabiki was choking on a kernel of popcorn, getting her back slapped by Cologne at this point while Akane was blushing like a maniac and Shampoo was shooting daggers from her eyes at both of the sisters. Not entirely the most conducive mood to putting a stop to the twins and their antics.
"I don't know, this seems less productive, over!" Pink complained
"It'll split them up!" Link hissed. "Toilet girl! Why not join us instead? You'll still be married to him, but you won't have to clean toilets anymore! We have plants for that!"
"Wh-Who wants to get into that kind of relationship with a stoner like him!"
"Aw, don't be like that Akane! You're so much cuter when you smile. Unlike Nabiki, whose smile chills and arouses at the same time. You're both so pretty!"
He was actually saying that to Pink even though Akane was the one that said it. This, needless to say, sat about as well with Akane as her cupcakes sat in Ranma's stomach. Like a heavy rock you'd give anything to dislodge, and why did you eat it in the first place. Nonetheless! She leaped forward to grab the twin by the scruff of the neck - only to find Ranma in her way.
"Hey Akane, I'm not going to let you hurt Akane!" Ranma said, holding back her fist. "Actually, seeing you fight yourself would be kinda hot."
"Ahem! What about see Shampoo fight self! That be too too smouldering!" Shampoo protested. "Stupid Pink! Stupid Link! Make him horny for Tendo girls instead of Shampoo!"
Said Tendo girls were starting to feel an itch to find a hole to crawl into and die right about now. For Akane, it was one thing fooling around with him but quite another for it to be a publically known thing! For Nabiki, she had no idea Ranma was attracted to her like that and it was stirring up some rather odd feelings in the Ice Queen. Feelings that would, a few weeks later in the sane linear timeline that most of the world followed lead to her frenching him after an incident with some evil dolls. But it had already happened to Ranma and was a big cornerstone of attraction he felt towards her. Time travel is difficult.
"Old ghoul, I got those rare mushrooms you were after!" Mousse called, striding in from the kitchen. "They weren't easy to find either because someone covered my glasses with soap!" It should be noted that his glasses were sitting on top of his head, soap free.”
This was rather poor timing on his part. Because this triggered the other main quality of the Flower of the Perfect Husband. An overprotectiveness that, quite frankly, calls into question the 'perfectness' of the husband ideal for their society.
"Man!" Ranma yelled, and immediately punched Mousse in the face. This action made Shampoo pause because it seemed totally and completely reasonable, rational and expected from her point of view. "Man! Man! Man! Stay away from my wives! Hsssss!"
"Huh? What I do this time?" Mousse asked. In answer, Ranma grabbed hold of an orange and stuffed it into his mouth, then began to enact violence upon him that could, at best, be described as slapstick and ridiculous.
"This seems like a good time to make our exit," Pink observed. "Over!"
"I agree, over!" Link yelled, lifting a pinecone above her head. "Come, husband! Stop laying into that loser and lay us instead!" The twin shuddered in anticipation then hurled the pinecone into the ground, releasing multi-coloured smoke that totally filled the room. "Over!"
"Ah! I can't see anything!" Mousse yelled.
"And that is different from usual how?!" Akane yelled back. "Hey! Shampoo's over there you blind idiot!"
After a moment the smoke began to billow away. It turned out that Nabiki had put on an electric fan, while Cologne had cracked open a window. As could be expected there was no sign at all of any of the three of them. Pink, Link and Ranma had all disappeared.
"Usually a comment like that would be the cue for something wild and zany to happen," Nabiki said, repeating Cologne's earlier comment back to her. "Huh. As though you were trying to make that happen. Strange how you sat out of it when you could have ended it within a minute."
"Ten seconds tops," Cologne corrected ,poking Nabiki on the forehead and compelling her to perform a ten point backwards cartwheel that she didn't even know she could do. "And I did not interfere because it plays to my advantage. Instead of trying to peel off one of you sisters, I can have Shampoo added to the twin's claim over him."
“Mind control flowers don’t count as claims!” Akane shouted.
Shampoo coughed, pulled out the rulebook for the Joketsuzoku, flipped to a certain page and thrust it in Akane's face.
"Huh... Your village is a pervert's paradise. You know that?"
Nabiki peered over her shoulder. "Every third Tuesday of the month, all men in the village must attend spanking duty to ensure proper punishment of captured outsider women..."
“That law hasn’t been enforced for a hundred years.” Cologne said.
"We have to get after them!" Akane yelled. "Ranma... those twisted sisters! Who knows what sort of things they might do to him!"
She could see it now so clearly in her mind. Ranma Saotome, male form. Bound by vines to a giant leaf. Two giant flowers descend upon him, then open up to reveal the twins. Naked from head to toe and thoroughly unashamed of their beauty.
"Arousal level: High!" Pink would say, blowing pollen out of her hand that settled over Ranma's face. His penis would grow tall and erect, the way that it did when Kasumi did that thing with the tassles and the egg whisks.
"Moisture ratio: Intense!" Link would continue. Her fingers would reach in between her legs and come back drenched. Then she would smear the liquid over her own breasts.
Then as one the two sisters would stalk towards the leaf bed as Ranma grinned gormlessly. "Over! Over! Over!" they would chant in unison, strutting forward with a seductive gait. Hands confidently on hips, shoulders and hips rolling with each step. Then their hands would reach out, grab hold of Ranma's shaft. Intertwining their hands. Then their faces lean in, tongues sticking out. "Over!" they whisper, and run their tongues around his shaft's head -
"That's ours!" Akane yelped quite loudly, prompting confused looks from everyone else. "I mean, poor Ranma! Being mind controlled into taking part in a threesome with two sexy exotic twins who know all about herbs and medicine and probably know ways to satisfy a man that..."
She trailed off a bit at that point and started twiddling her thumbs. Actually, she was imagining that same scene with herself in Ranma's place, and the two of them licking rather elsewhere at the end of it. It was horrible. Completely horrible. The very idea of being put in that position, why it was utterly perverse and dirty!
"Shampoo not happy with this! Shampoo be one to take airen's virginity!"
Meanwhile back at the Tendo house, Kasumi started laughing hard enough to roll around on the floor with tears streaming from her eyes. For no seeming reason that she could tell. It was for the best really. If she had heard Shampoo's proclamation, she might have pulled a muscle or three.
"If Shampoo need to work with toilet girl and mercenary, then that fine with Shampoo!"
"Very well Shampoo, if that is what you wish," Cologne shrugged. "But first, I suggest that the two of you come up with a plan. Those twins have had a long time to think through their revenge and hone their craft. I'm certain that you will find them a prepared, cunning and difficult to deal with duo. If you want to confound them then you shall need a plan of your own to deal with them."
"Not to mention that they could be hiding anywhere," Nabiki observed. "Tracking them down won't be easy."
<hr>
Nobody really questioned the sudden appearance of a giant pillar of vines and flowers appearing in Furinkan High. Most assumed the Principal had thought up a new education program. It really wasn't out of character for him to do something like that, though most did think it a little peculiar they weren't palm trees.
Of course that assumption was completely incorrect. Within this fortress of vines and hostile plantlife there were two twins frantically hurrying around and a bed made of flowers atop which lay the reclining figure of Ranma Saotome.
"Camera?"
"Check!"
"Plants automatically set to act as security?"
"Check!"
"Plant themed lingerie?"
The twins both turned around in contrary directions. Pink had selected a set of lingerie that looked like vines wrapped around her body, covering up her most intimate areas. Link had gone for a floral pattern that made her look like a walking upright garden. These twins weren't quite as curvaceous as Shampoo, tending towards a more slender look. As such their lingerie was designed to draw the eye away from the bust and more towards their legs, hips and waists.
Having said that they were on the verge of working out a bust enhancement remedy. In fact, they'd been working on it when the newspaper had come in about Shampoo's betrothment! Now that they were thinking about it both of them were kicking themselves for not making use of it to really rub Shampoo's face in it. Uh, their revenge that is to say. Not their enhanced boobs.
"Check!" both said in unison. "And hot Ranma dick -"
Was not a check. Both girls looked over at the bed of flowers in total disbelief. The handsome studly man that they had brainwashed and kidnapped for a night of debauchery had completely vanished, and in her place there was a kind of cute chick wearing the same clothes, with the same hairstyle and facial features that looked pretty darn similar if you look at them really closely. Also, there was a tipped over watering can next to her, but the twins didn't much care about that right now.
"Where's the dick?!" Link yelled. "Dick! Dick! Come back here dick! It's been so long, I don't want to have to wait any longer, over!"
"Link, calm down! Over!" Pink yelled, spinning her twin around and slapping some sense back into her. "Look! That girl is wearing the Flower of the Perfect Husband, over! That means she'll be completely subservient to us and any other woman, over!"
That was true enough. The twins calmed down and turned towards the transgressor, who was giggling over a caterpillar crawling across a blade of grass. And so, without any of them being any the wiser, the three of them set about constructing a routine that Abbott and Costello would probably sigh wearily at.
"Where is Ranma?" the twins asked.
"Right here," the girl answered.
The twins looked at one another in confusion. "Get off that bed!" Pink commanded. The girl did so happily. "Take us to Ranma!"
Cue a merry jaunt through the artificial jungle created by the twins as the girl skipped and frolicked carefree and in a giant circle back towards the bed, which the girl flopped onto and stared at the twins expectantly.
"Well?" Link asked.
"Well what?"
"Where is Ranma!"
"In front of you!"
"Then show us him!"
The girl thought that over for a moment. "Can I have some hot water?"
"After you show us Ranma!"
"Ranma's here!" the girl waved. The twins looked behind themselves, expecting to see Ranma there. He wasn't. "Can I have some hot water please?"
"I don't see Ranma anywhere!"
"Oh! Do you have trouble with your eyesight?"
"My eyesight is just fine! Ugh! Let's try this way, over! What direction would I need to walk in to reach Ranma!"
After a moment Ranma pointed in the same direction the twins were facing.
"Is Ranma still in our garden?"
"Definitely!"
Finally, something dawned onto Link. “Is your name Ranma, over?”
"Yep!"
The twins both facepalmed at once. "Of course! Our boy Ranma was kidnapped and replaced by a girl with the same name! No wonder you are wearing the same clothes and have the same hairstyle, this was a brilliant confusion strategy!"
"Whatever you say Akane! I like the lingerie, by the way."
"Okay! Show us boy Ranma!" Pink yelled, ignoring that remark for now.
"Can I have some hot water?"
"Ugh, with this again! Not until you show us Ranma!"
"I'm here!"
"I meant boy form Ranma! Show us the male Ranma!"
"Can I have some hot water?" all three of them said at once, two of them with a lot more frustration than the other.
"Fine! Then go and bring him here yourself!" Pink seethed in frustration.
"Yes, bring him here and then go away, leave us alone, don't come back!"
"Okay doke!" girl Ranma said. She saluted them both, rolled off the bed and then skipped away gaily into the garden.
<hr>
“Ranma!” Kasumi said, sitting at the table watching old cartoon reruns, “You came back! Did you bring more snacks?”
“No!” Ranma said, heating up a tea kettle. “Akane and Nabiki told me to turn into a guy, leave school and never go back there.”
“Oh that’s not right! Education is important, I’ll have to give them both a good talking to.”
The two promptly forgot the conversation when Doremon pulled a bomb out on TV.
- Ranma returns, then leaves before Akane and Shampoo get there.
- Ranma arrives just in time to guide Akane and Shampoo to Pink and Link - then immediately leaves again
- Ranma arrives and leaves in the middle of the battle.
- Ranma arrives and leaves after it's already over. He brought Kasumi with him, because she thought the garden sounded cool.
- Something else
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