Story: FGI Akane

Ranma Saotome was not in the very best of moods. I mean, how would you feel if, in her official capacity, your fiance had taken your penis away? In his view it was a bit unfair. He didn't feel like he'd done anything to deserve that sort of treatment, really. He needed to work out a way to get it back. He was annoyed enough due to the Jusenkyo curse, so having to put up with not having his penis all the time was very irksome for him, you know?

For now, he'd have to settle for wandering around this festival and try to put it at the back of his mind. He was sure Akane was around here too, somewhere. Screw her. By which he meant, uh, don't screw her. Uncute chick like that would probably... You know, not be that great in bed or something. Her thighs would probably crush a guy or... Or whatever!

So there he was, just enjoying the sights. Getting on with things without her for a change, when all of a sudden, his peace and quiet were ruined by - 

"Get back here you half blind moron!"

"Hahaha, Ranma Saotome, you shall never catch me!"

That sounded like an uncute idiot and a half blind idiot rushing through a festival. Looking over, yeah that's pretty much what it was. Akane pursuing Mousse for some reason. This was something that he should probably ignore. Right? He should definitely stay out of -

"Take this, if you're so eager to fight now!"

Out came the knives, up went the protective instincts. Ranma covered that distance in the blink of an eye, and quickly protected the idiot from the knives. Easily batting them away before the idiot - that is to say, the uncute one - got herself hurt.

"Dummy, why you gotta pick a fight with a guy like that?" Ranma asked. "You know he has that nasty pile of weapons lurking in his big dumb robe. And a porcelain duck."

"W-wait, Ranma! You don't understand!" Akane protested.

"I understand plenty," Ranma said. "Shows how blind he is, he thought you were me. Probably mistook you for my boy form or something... And then, you had to go and give chase. Stubborn chick, ain't you?"

"No, it's worse than that! He took -"

"Some kinda toy you won, right?" Ranma said. "Actually, is that a pig? Meh! Let the creep have it, it's no big deal."

"He has your penis, you idiot!"

The colour drained from Ranma's face. Oh. Oh dear. Mousse had his dick? He let Akane go and pelted off like a bolt of lightning, only stopping to turn back and yell "You shoulda told me sooner, dummy!"

"When?!" Akane yelled back, but he didn't give a fuck anymore. He might never be able to give a fuck, ever! That guy had his dick? Bad enough Akane had it, but at least she was a professional! Mousse? That blind idiot with a vengeance born from an unrequited love for a chick who, understandably, had an insane amount of desire for Ranma's hot bod? There's no telling what someone like that might do! He had to get it back, pronto!

Alas, the life that Ranma led was rather a charmed one, to say the least. Especially since, technically, he was in hot pursuit of his penis without express permission to pursue such an action. It was honestly a bit careless on Akane's part - if she had said something to the effect of 'go get your penis back' then all would be fine. That would be official permission for him to do exactly what he was doing.

But he did not have that permission. As such... Well. Fans of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure will know all too well what it is like to pursue the user of Wonder of U, yes? Imagine that, but with comedic effects rather than horrific, and you have a good idea of what is to follow.

To start with - A cry of "Ranma Saotome!" let loose over the festival, and Ranma had to suddenly twist and dodge away from Tatewaki Kuno, who had appeared as if out of nowhere. "I see you there! Stand still, good sir, and let me smite you where you stand!"

"For the love of - Go away!" Ranma yelled, quickly kicking Kuno away, but in so doing disturbed a fishing stall and got himself all wet. Because, of course his curse would have to be activated like this. "Yech! Just what I didn't need! Where'd that blind idiot go...?"

That should be the end of it. That ought to be all there is. Mousse slips away in the crowd, and Ranma would have to get Akane's help to find him. However... Let's not forget what sort of idiot we're dealing with, here.

"Shampoo, my beloved!" the idiot said to a passing cactus, which he promptly tried to embrace. To be fair, it did have a flower growing on top of it that had exactly the same shade as Shampoo's hair. "That green dress flatters your figure well! Oh, if only you were not so prickly..."

Right. There he was! Ranma rolled up her sleeves and stomped forward, fully intending to give that idiot what for - then promptly stepped on a banana peel and wound up skating on it well past where Mousse was snuggling up against a cactus with great, tremendous, and unwanted affection (the cactus is quite tsundere at the best of times), arms flailing out, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"How does this even make any sense, banana peels aren't that slipperryyyyyyyy!" Ranma yelled, ultimately winding up colliding with -

Oh no.

"Eeeh, Francoise is so cuuuuute!" Azusa shrieked, grabbing ahold of Ranma and petting her like a dog. "Azusa will love her and pet her and feed her and play with her and hug her and squeeze her - "

"Leggo, you crazy ditz!" Ranma yelled, but she'd have better luck escaping an octopus. Which, incidentally, Ranma was pretty sure she could manage! Even so, it was a bit harder than normal today, almost like Azusa was stickier than she should be or something. Nonetheless, she persevered, because Mousse was coming this way!

"Honestly now," Mousse grumbled to himself. "Purchasing a cactus in the shape of Shampoo, that shape is far too convenient, that had to be on purpose. I ought to go back there and give them a piece of my mind for being so crass!"

Seeing her chance, Ranma swung her body weight around hard, intending for Azusa to kick the blind idiot in the side of the face, which would give her a chance to get rid of two pests at once. In the confusion, she'd be able to grab her dick and -

"Achoo!" Mousse chose that moment to sneeze. Or the sneeze chose that moment to Mousse? We all know how sneezes get, we don't exactly choose them at the best of times. Anyway, the point was that instead of kicking Mousse in the side of his big dumb head, the kick went right over his big dumb head and suddenly Ranma was finding herself inexpiclicably being dragged over Mousse.

"Wha- Physics doesn't work this waaaaay!"

Which wound up with herself and Azusa landing in a heap on top of Tatewaki Kuno. Who wasted no time in grabbing both girls in an iron grip.

"For the two of you to so enthusiastically toss yourself at me... It can be only fate!" Kuno roared. "The three of us are destined to be together!"

"Clear off, dummy! I'm not interested in -" Ranma began... Only to fall silent when something really weird started to happen. "Huh? Wha- What the hell...?" A bizarre feeling began to course through Ranma's crotch. A final punishment, perhaps, for being so enthusiastic in pursuing Mousse and retrieving her errant penis before she was meant to?

To her horror, she could see what was happening. Mousse was holding her dick. Looking at it with obvious confusion. Squeezing the shaft to study it. Caressing the balls. N-No way! That idiot was jerking her off out in public!

"What the hell is this...?" Mousse asked aloud. "Something about the shape seems familiar, but I just can't place it. This texture, this warmth... It's really bothering me, now. Is it some kind of weapon? Where did I get this from...?"

So you see, dear friends, you must always ensure that you receive the proper permissions before going in pursuit of your absent genitals. After all, the agency apparently hell bent on fucking your life over may well... You know what never mind the moral, there's no way to make this fit a real world situation. Let's just sit back and watch as Ranma struggles desperately and futilely to retrieve that which was taken from him.