Story: Those Annoying Humans

 

When your planet is taken over by aliens that are at least a thousand years more advanced than you are, there's not really an awful lot you can do but try to roll with the punches. When it turns out they're not really all that interested in anything especially sinister and have broadly solved many of the petty problems that keep humans divided like limited resources, political differences and whatnot thanks to just how advanced their tech is... Well, if you're a businessman in that kind of environment the best tactic to take there is to not just roll with the punches, but freaking cartwheel with them.

As such, more than one business on Earth had taken on, ahem, a bit of Oni theming. Cues from their culture. An attempt to make them feel more at home perhaps? Sucking up to the new boss? Whatever the case might be, the world was a smaller place now, but it was still merely a stage and all its players had their parts. Thus, Lum's personal craft arrived at one of the most prestigious theatres on Earth - Shakespeare's Globe in London. Because she could just casually do that, hop over from Japan to England for a single night's showing of a play.

OK maybe she was flexing a bit to show off to her date. Just slightly.

"Oh darn," Lum tsked. "It looks like some of your reporters have noticed my ship coming in. Oh well, it looks like you'll be front page news. Again. For better reasons this time."

Ataru's eye twitched at her remark. Teasing him like that! Trying to get a rise out of him.

"You sure it won't cause problems for you?" Ataru asked. "Maybe they'll start to speculate on whether you won fair and square. Going on a date with the lowly human you beat? That's going to read interesting, huh?"

"Hrm, wouldn't that hurt your reputation more than mine?" Lum asked, then shrugged. "Oh well, let them have their gossip. Coming, <i>Darling</i>?"

She offered her arm, and he took it in his, drawing himself to his full height. Then the two of them walked out, with camera flashes coming from every angle. A few of them were asking questions, but Ataru didn't understand English well enough to pick up what they were asking.

Whatever. His goal here tonight was to put one over on her. Which was going to be difficult because... frankly, she filled out that dress very nicely. It covered more of her body than that bikini, but it was every bit as sexy. Which was annoying him. Because it was playing havoc with his usual instincts.

Anyway, they had their own private box. Looking around, Ataru could see signs of Onification everywhere. The colour scheme had a kind of galactic vibe, there were pictures of Oni and Lucky Gods chucking beans at each other, things like that which you wouldn't expect to see at one of the finest theatres in the world. At least there were seats here for them to recliine in.

Though one obvious problem presented itself. He couldn't see the stage from here. The private box was, well, quite private.

Lum floated into a seat, and patted the one next to her. Ataru strolled over. Sat down. Then, the stage sort of... appeared, floating in the void.

"I thought this was a live performance," Ataru said.

"It is," Lum insisted. "Look, you can control your perspective of the play. See those bushes? You can look behind them to see a character spying on the action. You can look up to see another character flying in, about to arrive. That's how Oni plays are performed, <i>Darling</i>."

He wished she would stop saying that word. For some reason it was making his skin crawl.

"So what's this play about, anyway?" he asked.

"Oni creation myth," Lum said. "I don't buy it myself, but it is a good story. There were a trio of bored Goddesses - Ichee, Nii, and Saan - who were playing a game of dice. One of them accidentally threw some into a dark cave, and they could not find it. Since they could not agree on what the result must have been, they - Oh, the rest would be spoiling it!"

"Something like that's how the Oni think they were made?" Ataru rolled his eyes. "Get real, that's completely unrealistic. The names of those Goddesses are pretty dumb too."

"Then how do humans think they were made?" Lum asked.

No shortage of answers there. Still, best to stick to what you know.

Ataru went through a brief recap of the Japanese creation myth, which if you recall when looking up Japanese trivia while watching anime ends with the mother goddess, Izanami, dying, the creator god Izanagi ditching her in the underworld, and Izanami swearing to kill 1000 living things a day out of vengeance, with only Izanagi making 1500 living things a day keeping the world from depopulating.

"Goodness, you humans really are a dour lot," Lum mused. "So depressing."

Ataru had no intelligent retort to that (as his basic knowledge of world history flashed before his eyes) so he used an unintelligent one. He stuck out his tongue. Lum pouted, and then stuck hers out right back at him.

"Ah, how mature and graceful this argument seems," said a character in the play, in reference to the Goddesses bickering. "Though in truth, it unveils how close you are."

Note that Ataru and Lum were close enough that the tips of their tongues were nearly touching. That doesn't really mean anything. Unless you're willing to read sexual tension into something as mundane as two people of the opposite sex going on a date in a private room and having their tongues that close to each other. But who would do that?

The play continued on with the two of them in silence. Ataru wasn't really paying much attention to the play though. THis wasn't really giving him a great opportunity to put one over on Lum. I mean, there she is laying her head on his shoulder. He was able to tuck his arm behind her head, but... Come on, there had to be something else he could do here! He would not let Lum win this date!

"Aha, I can see through your ruse! You intend to use cunning and guile to win, when you have lack of both. Do try to think a little more sideways, it suits you better."

And then his stomach growled. Perfect. Just what he needed right now.

"Hey, are there concessions here?" he asked. "I don't mind getting some."

"No need!" Lum said, lifting a card out and holding it aloft. "This is a human run establishment, so I'm sure they can make something that would make you satisfied. Go treat yourself."

"Oh no, I insist," Ataru said. "It's the man's job to -"

"How many Pounds do you have on you?" Lum sweetly interrupted.

"Pounds? Uh, I weigh about - "

"No, Darling. That's currency here in Britain. They won't take yen."

She tucked the card into his jacket, winked at him, helped him to his feet and then slapped his butt on the way out of the room. The cheeky little! Why he ought to - Ohhh, she was going to get it now! If he wasn't sure that she could probably use this card to buy the building itself, she'd be finding herself with a maxed out bill the next day!

Anyway, he ordered a lemonade and some lemon drops for himself. Luckily, the concession stand had some universal translators equipped so that wasn't an issue. As for Lum, he ordered from the Oni menu - Blazing Hot Magma balls and Spitting Scarlet sauce.

"That's just an approximate translation for human sensibilities," the concession worker said. Right. Whatever. Ataru slunk back to the box with his tail tucked between his legs, feeling dirty that he hadn't paid a yen for any of this stuff.

"There's gotta be something I can do here," he grumbled. "I won't let her beat me again. I just won't!"

That devious snake, that shrewd and wicked temptress! He wouldn't let her guide the path of this date any longer! It was time for Ataru to man up. For the sake of humanity! He walked back inside the box and then felt his resolve melt when he looked at Lum staring in rapt attention at the play.

"Aha, so you notice at last the beauty that's around you? Or have you merely been pretending to not notice all this time? Either way, you are a fool - or rather were, until now."

Dammit, this wasn't fair. In all honesty, the only chick Ataru'd been on a date on was Shinobu. Who was pretty, cute, nice and all that, but... Lum was hot. That was the only way he could put it. Look at her. She had this weird exotic appeal, an ideal female form, it felt like she could have any guy in the universe if she snapped her fingers.

And he was on a date with that. Maybe he was trying to bat above his level here?

"Look, look!" Lum gasped, tugging on his sleeve. "You see there? That's a good detail. I was worried that this, being an all human performance, would miss the nuance and importance of having that cloud there, but they got the detail perfect!"

She kept doing that too. Appraising the performance. Pointing out little details in the story. Positioning the stage to show off a detail he'd missed. She was actually trying to get him to enjoy this stupid story. Which was making him drop his guard even when he knew it should be up.

And then he popped the lemon drop in his mouth... Or rather, what he thought was a lemon drop. Until his mouth felt like it had caught fire.

"Mmmmmf!" Ataru yelled, clutching at his jaw. Pain, pain, pain! It felt like he'd taken a bite out of coal straight from a fireplace. Lum looked at him and gasped, then quickly gave him his drink, which he gulped down readily.

"Oh wait, I just remembered," Lum said, snapping her fingers. "Drinking most liquids isn't a good idea when your mouth is burning from spicy food, because it might make the spice spread around your mouth even more."

Now she tells him! It had done exactly that! It was like pouring oil on a raging fire to put it out! Now he was rolling around on the floor in the worst pain he'd ever felt! Ah! Ah! Make it stop, make it stop, he'd do anything to make it -

Out of nowhere he found himself being kissed by Lum. An open mouthed kiss, with her tongue in his mouth. She seemed intent on licking every surface on the inside, his tongue, his palette, his tonsils, his gums, everywhere she could reach. Weirdly, this was... making the pain go away?

"What you needed was a neutraliser," Lum said afterwards. "An Oni's digestive enzymes - including those in the mouth - are better suited to breaking down spice than a human's."

"Oh, is that all?" Ataru said. "And here I thought you just wanted an excuse for a ki~iss."

"Hrmph!" Lum turned up her nose. "Which of us bought those in the first place? Who put it in whose mouth? How do I know that wasn't a plan to steal my first kiss!"

"You really think I could come up with something that sneaky?" Ataru yelled. "Wait, wait... Did I just call myself dumb again? Uh... Do you really think I'd subject myself to that kind of hell just for a quick kiss?"

"Yep, I think you would!" Lum stuck her tongue out again - But this time it was quickly met by Ataru's tongue, and the two of them toppled to the floor, lips furiously pressed up against each other.

"And that is the first act of our little play," an announcer said. "There will be a brief intermission, and then we shall resume with our second act."

Alas, neither of these two idiots would bear witness to the second act. They were about to be a little too busy.