Story: Konosuba Orb of Friendship

 

 In the city of Belzerg, many adventurers begin their journey towards greatness and prestige. Many others still languish in obscurity, dreaming of having been heroes without having the ability to reach that plateau. For this latter group it is common for their souls to get crushed, their dreams left shattered, broken and emasculated.

For this purpose, a dark secret sits within the city. A group of enterprising Succubi have determined a way to survive, without conflict, without killing, in harmony with humans. They would visit you in the night and give you pleasant dreams - without taking your life as payment. An unforgettable night of passion with a succubus with none of the downsides. Those sex demons giving you what you want, while they take what they need to survive and nothing more. What a true bastion of capitalism it is! See how it can bring people together? It need not writhe in corruption or in holding down the poorer and less fortunate. It can raise everyone up, by giving both sides of the deal what they need, fairly and properly! If only other businesses were like this. If only... and not just because these succubi really and truly lived up to their reputation. You had them of all sizes. You like them tall and large? Small and petite? Thicc and healthy? Muscular? Busty? Flat chested, wide hipped? Tomboyish, girlish, stern and strict, in control or willing to let you take control? They all stroll the shop freely clad in black attire that frankly defied the laws of physics every bit as surely as many of their bodies defied the laws of biology.

"Gangway! Repeat customer, coming through!"

That was Kazuma, bursting in through the door, and standing with his back to it looking quite out of breath. The succubi and their customers stared at the wide eyed wretch with great curiosity, wondering what the hell was going on with him this time.

Then the door floor off its hinges and crushed him up against the opposite wall.

"There you are~♥" said a tall figure in yellowish armour that was shaped like a dress. Her golden hair, her pretty face, her fantastic figure. If not for the armour, you would have thought her to be a succubus as well. "You ran away so hard when I started to smack Aqua's pert bottom, it made me want to chase you down~♥"

Kazuma peeled himself off the wall, and immediately rushed to one of the Succubi. "Help!" he begged. "Help me, please! Darkness has gone off the deep end!" He stopped a moment to think about what he'd said, then corrected himself in a weird way. His tone made it seem like he'd realised what he was saying was the most horrifying fact in all of existence. "The other deep end! She's flipped her switch! She made a Goddess call her mommy!"

That last comment was unusual enough to give them pause, but Kazuma was trembling in fear from it. The memory of Aqua, over Darkness' knee, being spanked by those powerful hands. Her bare (unknowingly nice) bottom being smacked red by a freshly awakened sadist. Oh, it was really hot to watch, but the realisation that he would be next on the chopping block had ensured he'd run for his life. After five minutes of intensely watching, and recording it for later use.

"Ah? Are these... are these succubi?" Darkness licked her lips. She clasped her hands to her cheeks and made an extremely lewd face, and considering the context of where they were that fucking said a lot. "Oh, Kazuma Kazuma (yes, yes my name is Kazuma) you spoil me, you spoil me, you <i><b>spoil me!</b></i>"

A hand fell upon her shoulder. The receptionist succubus was smiling sweetly. "Pardon me Miss, but you'll have to pay like everyone oh shit!"

Without warning, Darkness had the succubus in an armbar. Arm clenched between her mighty thighs while yanking it back, trapping her wrist in between Darkness' boobs.

"K-Kyaaaaa!" the Succubus squealed in unexpected pleasure. "This softness, these muscles - This dichotomy of sex appeal, coupled with a crippling pain in my arm! Wh-what is this feeling?!"

"Feel my purifying wrath~♥" yelled the insane sadist. Hot! Really stupidly hot! Even the other succubi were stunned into momentary silence by this weirdly lewd display. And think about the weird shit that succubi have to see all the damned time! "I won't let you... I won't let you steal the souls of those adventurers, you naughty deviant minx!♥"

Kazuma began to crawl on the floor towards the doorway to get away from all this. And I do mean crawl, as in on his belly rather than on his hands and knees. A full on commando crawl to get away from this madness. These succubi should at least keep her busy for a few hours and - oh, he was being picked up by his lapel, and being stared at by a quite large, busty smiling succubi.

"Yo!" Kazuma said. "I've changed my mind about today's service - "

"Have you indeed?" the succubus asked. She turned him around to look at Darkness, humping the arm of the succubus on the floor. "Kazuma, Kazuma (yes, yes, my name is Kazuma), what a special treat you've offered us. A corrupted sadistic beauty who is hell bent on breaking every hot piece of ass she can get her hands on. How delightful."

Was this sarcasm? It sounded like sarcasm. Kazuma wasn't sure though, he was too distracted by boobs.

"We're going to have so much fun with her, she'll give us a ton of energy!" the succubus continued. "And so, you'll have a half off discount for your next ten purchases. Don't bring your friends again, please."

Friends, hah. As if he could call them his -


...

Wait a minute. He'd forgotten something important, hadn't he? Oh. Oh! Oh no! Megumin and Yunyun and that stupid orb! How had he forgotten that?!

"Nyaaaaah!♥" Darkness mewled. "You lewd fiend! There is no escape!♥"

Oh right that's why. Kazuma nodded in understanding, and tried desperately to ignore the sounds of his fellow regulars putting in purchase attempts for a dream involving Sadist Darkness. It wasn't good for his mental health. Then again, precious little was in this crazy, zany world....

<hr>

You've heard what they say, right? It's not what you know, but who you know. There's a truth to this. Having friends in the right places greases a lot of wheels. For example, if you want to make a lot of friends,then the best person to become friends with is someone who has a lot of information about a lot of people.

So, having the guild on your side was a really smart move! Right now, Megumin and Yunyun were sitting in the back room of the guild, the registration book sitting on their table while Luna - who Megumin was no longer jealous of having such a fine body because they were such good friends now - served them tea.

"You know, I wouldn't normally let members of the public back here, never mind give them full and unrestricted access to the membership logs," Luna said, smiling serenely. "But since we are good buddies, I figure there's no harm."

"Hohohoho!" Megumin laughed into the back of her hand, striking a pose with her other hand on her hip, head whipped back and eyepatch over her eye. "Truly, friendship brings us to places we never dreamed possible! Heights unassailable, deeds beyond reckoning! Now think! What heights might we yet reach with all of these people as our friends!"

Alas, this was where Yunyun nervously coughed to interrupt the fun. "I estimate it would - it would take ten years of continuous visits to make everyone in this book our friend."

This rather brought the wind out of Megumin's sails. She'd been in full on Chuni mode there for a bit, enjoying herself, but then Yunyun had to barge in with cold reality. However! One can never keep a good chuni down for long! Tell them that something is impossible, and they'll come back to tell you that they will force it to be possible as their very first task!

"Then we will explode onto the scene, and make many friends at once!" Megumin declared. "Kukuku! It is so obvious to me now! My unseeing eye has foretold a future that is bright and shining with the aura of camaraderie! If we cannot come to them, then we shall bring them to us! We shall make them all our friends in a single fell swoop!"

Both Luna and Yunyun clapped in minor awe at Megumin's proclamation. Yes, that was a good plan. A brilliant plan, at that.

"I'll set up a celebration right away!" Luna said, jumping a little in place from excitement. "They'll flock for a chance to party, and that will give us the chance to make them all friends at once! Such smart thinking!"

"That's Megumin for you," Yunyun nodded. "She's - she's always been the creative mind of the Crimson Devil clan!"

Megumin held her smug pose, but internally she was sweating. Actually, she had been wondering if they could have them all teleported here so they could all be turned into friends, but inviting them all to a big party felt a lot better. No need to stop the adulation though. While it's great when friends lift you up for doing something awesome, there's nobody that'll put you down like a friend when you say something stupid.