Story: Urusei Yatsura First Impressions

There comes a point in every parent's life where enough was enough and the foot had to be put firmly down. Mrs Moroboshi had passed this point years ago. Her son's antics had long since been stripped away of any charm, leaving nothing but embarrassment. Her husband hadn’t been of any use since the 60s. And yet again she was watching another man getting rewarded by her embarrassing son somehow getting so many girls actually liking him. The most frustrating mystery she had ever seen.

She was pent up. She was frustrated. She had no pressure valve. All she could do was stew in it and stew in it and - Sakura's hand brushes against her thigh.

Like magic a pressure valve appeared.

"Ataru Moroboshi!" the woman said, using that tone and inflexion that makes all sons and daughters across the world suddenly fearful for their immediate future. Ataru went rigid from sheer reflexive instinct "And the rest of you as well! I don't know if you have noticed but it is presently breakfast time, and you must all ensure a healthy start to the day!"

"Um..." Lum began to ask, but was shot silent by the heated look from Mrs Moroboshi's eyes.

<b>"This is not a healthy start to the day!"</b>

We would have to check our records, but we do not believe that there has ever been a time where that sentence has been said in such a threatening manner.

"I want you all downstairs! In the dining room! Around the table! Where we're all going to sit down and eat breakfast!"

"Breakfast!" Rei repeated excitedly.

Ran, naturally, piped up at this point. "But Rei should eat my break-"

"One!" Mrs Moroboshi interrupted. With the same warning tone that implied 'I had better not get to three or else I will have to <i>invent</I> a punishment. Don't make me invent a punishment. You wouldn't like me when I get inventive'.

"Thank goodness," Sakura sighed as the others began to file out of the room with great speed. "It's about time this lot got corralled -"

"Two!"

Sakura's breath caught in her throat and she quickly joined the quick pace. She was a little bit peckish herself, come to admit...

<hr>

How had it come to this? What God or Demon or otherwise supernatural entity had he pissed off to get to this point? Don't tell him they didn't exist: Around his table and in his own son's <i>personal harem</I> there was an Oni, a Lucky God and a Yuki-onna. Not to mention they were all aliens. Was God an alien? Were those pamphlet people on the corners right?

"Hey, dad? You okay?" his son asked. His own flesh and blood. Who was having a better youth than he could have ever dreamed. "You got that look about you when you're getting all philosophical."

His stomach growled. As did his son's. Well... it made sense for his son to be that hungry at least. Looking over at the four (four!) energetic pretty girls that were crawling all over him of late, it's a wonder he had enough energy to stand upright.

Said girls were sitting at the table. His table. That he had bought. With his own money. The table at which he was not presently sitting. He was on the floor. With a little tray with his breakfast on it. While those girls and their friends and that extremely handsome alien boy who was making him actually actively question his own sexuality for a few seconds - Ahem! The point was, all of these 'guests' were sitting at <i>his</i> table while he was on the floor.

His son was sitting on the floor across from him, but Ataru didn’t seem to mind for some reason. Of course the kiss Lum had given him when he had offered her a seat probably helped with that.

And they were the only examples of the male gender within this kitchen, even that little alien kid had ended up going up to Ataru’s room to nap. Apparently it had been a stressful morning, thus leaving the XY Group even more outnumbered than it already was!

"My goodness, this is quite a lot of food you've laid out for us," Sakura observed. As she was the only other adult sitting at the table, she had been placed at the head opposite his wife. Where he normally sat.

"Well, it helps that Lum brought some kind of alien replication machine with her," Mrs Moroboshi sniffed. "Thank you Lum. That was quite a generous gift to bring with you."

"Oh, they don't replicate anything. They work by shifting around quantum -" Lum began. Then noticed her Darling's mother's silent icey death gaze. "Never mind!"
"I do hope this is all to your liking Miss Sakura," his wife continued. "I'm quite sure that a beautiful priestess like you has very particular tastes."

"Oh, don't worry about such trifles," Sakura waved it off. "Only someone as diligent as you could produce such wonderful food."

At which point, his wife began absently twirling a stray strand of hair around her finger while staring across the table at Sakura. "Oh, you spoil me with those kind of compliments," his wife sighed. "Please continue."

"Breakfast!" the handsome boy bellowed. His hands reached out, grabbed hold of his plate and poured it down his gullet. Strange, but part of him felt a bit relieved that this... Rei was it? Yes, he was glad that Rei had done that. Couldn't tell why. It had totally shattered the mood of the room, which was a good thing for some reason.

“Oh… right. Healthy way to start the day!” Mrs. Moroboshi said with a slightly… disappointed sounding giggle. "Now, we have some new faces with us today. My, my. It's so refreshing to see Ataru making so many friends."

"Can't wait to get to know all but one of them better!" Ataru called out. But he was largely ignored. Except by the members of his harem, who eyed up Sakura, Ran and that skirt wearing Ryuunosuke boy like they were prime rib with a half price off sticker.

"So, Miss Ran was it? You seem to know Lum quite well."

"Oh! Lum and I have been friends since we were little!" Ran giggled and twirled her fingers. "We would have sleepovers all the time! Ah, but we haven't slept in the same bed for a while, which is a shame.. I mean! Ahahaha!" She coughed. "Anyway! Until recently we had a falling out because she... She..."

Here's a fun fact about Ran that nobody else in the room knew. Whenever anything went wrong while Ran was around, her mother would blame her for it. No matter what it was. Or if Ran was involved. Or even if someone else tried to take the blame for it. Ran got the blame. Tried telling her mother that other kids were up to something? Nobody likes a tattletale! Over the knee! Tried to make her mother feel better by giving her a cookie? Who gave her permission to open the cookie jar?!

You get the idea. It didn't help that Lum was normally the centre of these events. Either the true troublemaker or the instigator or the one who had the idea in the first place. It rather built in a few issues with the girl, is what I'm saying.

Issues like... a mortal fear of stern mothers. Mrs. Moroboshi had, thanks to years of Ataru’s antics, mastered the stern glare of an annoyed mother.

"She... she... she... she..." Ran repeated like a stuck record.

While that was going on, it seemed as though that Ryuunosuke boy was getting on quite well with Benten. They both seemed like quite rough characters, so that made sense.

"Hey, it's nice ta meet someone who ain't some pansy and knows how ta roughhouse!"

"Didja catch the boxing match last night?"

"Boxing? What's that? Alien from outer space, remember?"

"Oh man, you're missin' out! Two guys stand around in tight shorts trying to punch each other out while wearing big gloves."

"Two guys in shorts exerting themselves plus physical violence... Man, that sounds like a birthday treat all served up for me!"

A chopstick flew by Benten, grazing her cheek and then embedding itself into the wall. All fell hush and looked towards the head of the table, where Mrs Moroboshi had her fingers outstretched.

"Oh dear me," she gasped. "I am sorry Benten. For a moment there I believed that a half naked pervert was attempting to flirt with one of our houseguests at the dinner table, but it was only you. Please forgive me."

"Ah, nothing to apologise for!" Ryuunosuke nodded. "Heck, you're way better at mealtime than my old man! Stupid old fool always tries stupid nonsense like slipping insanity pepper hot sauce into my food!"

"Insanity pepper hot sauce?" Lum asked. Oh dear. She'd begun to salivate. Over something other than Ataru, which made a bit of a change. "That sounds nice. Do you have any to drink?"

"Ah... I think that we do," Mr Moroboshi said, stroking his chin. "I was using it as a pesticide. Would you like me to -"

"Sit down!" his wife declared, and even though nobody was standing up they were all sitting down much harder than they had been a moment ago. "I shall retrieve it. Please, the rest of you enjoy your breakfast. Your perfectly ordinary breakfast where no weird nonsense is going to happen. See to it, husband."

You know, it was pretty impressive really. One minute his wife was in the room. Then he blinked at the moment she left, and Ataru had somehow managed to disappear under the table, planting kisses on Oyuki and Lum’s lips with both alien girls slipping down bites of food between said kisses. Meanwhile his hands were a-wandering, with his right hand squeezing Shinobu's thigh and his left dancing along Benten's.

Cue a deep sounding cough and he was getting a stiff kick to the face that sent him right back to his seat.

"Did you not hear your mother?" Sakura asked. "No antics. And I certainly will not allow you to corrupt these girls as you have those others." She shuddered. “Thank the gods Chocolate isn’t here.”

"Chocolate!" Rei repeated.

"Aw, that's okay!" Shinobu cooed. "Here, have some of my food."

She then popped some in her mouth and leaned in towards the handsome man. Only to get intercepted by Ran. "Hey, hey! What's the big idea you plain looking human slut?!"

"Plain looking?" Shinobu gasped. Then thought for a moment. "And... I choose to take offence at being called a slut! Though... I wouldn't object to a threesome if you're open to the idea."

His attention drifted away from the sight of a girl he'd known since she was in diapers making those kinds of comments as a matter of psychological self-preservation and instead settled onto the fact that it looked like Benten was now passionately kissing that Ryuunosuke boy which - for some reason - Ataru was cheering on from his seat.

"Mmm... You sure this is gonna teach me about women?" Ryuunosuke asked.

"Trust me, you're gonna learn a whole lot about women if we keep this up," Benten said with a smirk. Then right back to smooching they went.

"I had no idea that ordinary Earth breakfasts were so lively," Oyuki calmly remarked while taking her time to savour the food. "What unusual customs this planet has. It shall take some time to learn them all."

“Err this isn’t quite-” Mr. Moroboshi tried to explain that this was <b>not</b> how breakfast usually went. But he was interrupted by Sakura slamming her hand flat on the table.

"Will you all settle down and eat breakfast normally?!" she yelled. "Can't you see what sort of stress you're putting that poor woman through?"

Her eye then started to twitch. Whyfor? Well, the reason was simple. Ataru was giving her a reassuring pat on the bum. Knowing him he viewed it as agreement. Yep. It was his way of showing a pretty girl/woman that he was in total and absolute agreement with what they were saying and that he'd back them up to the hilt. Now, if they could show their understanding of this by backing up themselves a bit more that would be fantastic.

Alas, that was not the response from the Priesetess. With her eyes like thunder she grabbed Ataru by the lapels. "Ah, hang on now Miss Sakura!" Mr Moroboshi said. "As his father I should be the one to punish -"

The door swung open. His wife reentered the room carrying a bottle of ludicrously hot sauce and a welding mask. Everyone was somehow in their seats eating peacefully. Except for him. He had stood up so that he could admonish Ataru, but now things had gone back to normal.

"Husband, is there a reason you're standing up?" his wife asked, sounding tired and a little pissed off.

"Ah, er..." he stammered, looking around the room. She wouldn't believe it, but until the moment she'd returned it was anarchy in here.

"Didn't think so," she coldly grumbled. "When you're supposed to be setting an example, and they're the ones eating peacefully and you're getting up for no good reason. It's so rude... why are men always so terrible?"

“I think it’s just in their natures, since us women have to keep the world running.” Sakura said.

"Well, so long as we're keeping an eye on things these three won't get up to any hijinks," his wife added. "While most of our guests here today are aliens from far off cultures that are completely different from ours, that is no excuse for wacky hijinks to be the go to response."

There was a knock at the front door. "Oh, that's right. I ordered in a delivery," his wife said.

"Wait, no! I'll get it!" Mr Moroboshi pleaded. "You stay! Please, enjoy your breakfast!"

"It's my name on it, so I have to sign for it," his wife sadly shook her head. Disappointed he hadn't thought of something so obvious. "I'd better hurry in case they think nobody is in."

And so he was left alone with them yet again. He closed his eyes. Better that he couldn't see it. He felt like an ostrich burying its head in the sand. If it wasn't there it couldn't hurt him. If he couldn't see it, then it wasn't there. But, as he quickly learned, the problem with that theory was that while he couldn't see it...

"Oooh, Darling! You're very frisky this morning."

"Mmm... You learn fast..."

"By the Gods! Rei truly is a monster!"

“Wow I didn’t even know that body part could feel like that!”

Damn his curiosity. More to the point damn his imagination. The only way to rid himself of this curse was to open his eyes and drink it all in. Only then could the sound effects he was hearing and the things being said be put into a context, ensuring that he could stop running through the possibilities. Like Schrodinger opening the box to check on how his cat was getting on with that radioisotope.

As for what he saw? Well, his son had pulled Lum into his lap and was hiding behind her while Sakura tapped her foot impatiently and glowered at them. "Sakura's not letting us have any fu~un!" Ataru whined. Lum leaned back and kissed him on the cheek.

Meanwhile Ryuunosuke had moved on to making out with Shinobu now. With quite a bit of tongue, too. They pulled apart briefly, with Ryuunosuke saying "Huh... So how did this happen again?"

"It's your butch appeal," Benten said as if that explained anything. "It makes you perfectly Shinobu's type."

"Hey!" Shinobu protested. Then Benten, who was a short haired girl in leather, slapped Shinobu on the butt. "Ah! I mean, you're not wrong but..."

And finally there was Ran. Who was sitting in the lap of a giant cow thing with tiger stripes all over its body while glowering at Lum and Ataru. Strange though. She was staring at Lum's breasts quite a bit so far as he could tell. Probably his imagination. More to the point though <i>what the hell was that cow thing and what had it done with Rei?!</i>

"Breakfast!" the beast roared, and then it... inhaled all of the food in the room. So quickly that it could only be pieced together afterwards, that it had run around the room stuffing its face and leaving Mr Moroboshi with the sudden urge to count his digits just in case any were missing.

"Oh, you've all finished!" his wife said, carrying a package underarm. A rather long package at that. It spontaneously vibrated for some reason that probably wasn't important, and she stared at Sakura for a long, long time. "That's nice... that's very, very nice. Was it to your standards?"

At which point his stomach growled. He hadn't had the chance to take a bite what with all the madcap mayhem and the giant cow thing - which had vanished and been replaced with Rei - eating all the food.

"There's no pleasing some people," his wife scoffed. She walked up to Sakura. "Listen. It seems as though I might need to get some help in. An actually useful pair of hands that can do something worthwhile. Why don't we let them head out to play while he acts as chaperone and we... discuss a few things?"

“Oh yes. I’d love to be able to finally spend some time with a mature adult.” Sakura said.

Elsewhere, Chocolate began laughing maniacally and didn't have the faintest clue why.

1. Ataru, Lum, Shinobu, Benten and Oyuki immediately set about operation "Get the twins in the sack"
2. Sakura finds herself being seduced by Ataru's <s>horny</b> frustrated mother.
3. Ten was only pretending to be asleep. He's got plans to make life hell for Ataru.
4. Meanwhile, Ran plots to sneak a draining kiss from Ataru - which means keeping Rei busy at the same time.
5. Something else