Story: HPOA (FEEDBACK FOR NEW VERSION)

Hi, so the original version of this episode wasn't up to my usual standards. I've decided to ask Adama on the addventure to scrub that episode and post what's here instead. If this is better, please let me know. If it's still needing work please let me know. I don't care about what options you want me to take - in fact, I only really care about that at all when in a discussion post - I want to know if this episode is fine to go as is.


"Hey Ryoga, it's been a while," Ranma said while casually dodging Ryoga's furious assault. Which makes sense really. This is not a martial arts thread, so Ryoga's normal ability to more or less keep up with Ranma was pretty easy to downplay. "Whatcha been up to? Seen any new brands of hell because of reasons tangentially related to me?"

“This isn’t like the bread, or the double dates, or that one time in Kyoto!” Ryoga shouted, “This is your fault in every possible way!”

"Would it be rude if I asked about Kyoto?" Akane whispered.

"Yes," Kasumi replied. "Then the writer would have to come up with a thing that happened which would rather ruin the obvious noodle incident joke."

"What did I do now?" Ranma sighed. "Let me guess. It rained when you went out to the shops. No, not pornographic enough... You fell face first into some chick's cleavage and almost suffocated."

"H-How did you know how I spent last Friday night?" Ryoga gasped. A few eyebrows quirked up at that admission.

“Lucky Bastard.” Sayuri said

Ryoga blushed a bit before continuing: "Uh... Never mind! Ranma Saotome! While pursuing you to fight you... I wound up getting extremely, dangerously lost!"

Crickets chirp. Ranma made a gesture that could be taken as the universal gesture for 'so what?'

"You fool..." Ryoga grumbled. "You still do not understand. This is a porn parody thread where the fourth wall is extremely flimsy. It might as well be a window at this point."

Kasumi gasped in genuine horror. "Don't tell me! Your direction sense... and the lack of fourth wall! You poor boy! You poor extremely handsome, rugged, and fuckable boy."

“Hey!” Ranma protested, “Weren’t you trying to sleep with me earlier.”

“That’s awfully hypocritical, you sleeping with multiple girls and getting mad at Kasumi admiring some extra manmeat.” Sayuri said, and Akane nodded in agreement.

"That's different," Ranma sniffed. "Whose name is in the franchise again?"

"Well, we can hardly ask Mister One Half what he thinks of things..." Akane sniped, stepping up to Ryoga to pat him on the arm. "There, there. It's alright. You really must have seen some hell out there in the multiverse. Did you at least get to leave the BEA, and explore realms of fanfiction beyond the porn?"

"No, I didn't get that lost," Ryoga lamented. "Oh, it's terrible out there. There was that one horribly written story where Ranma wound up with every girl in the series in a giant harem. There was no plot, no humour, not even any drama. Just mindless, constant sex."

"... Can you take people with you when you get lost?" Sayuri asked, earning a sharp elbow from Kasumi of all people.

"Wait, wait!" Ranma waved his hands around. "Uh, which story was this where I got the giant harem? Gonna have to narrow it down a bit. So we know what you're talking about."

"Oh, it was the one where Shampoo used an aphrodisiac to try to seduce you, things go awry and then everything escalates from there."

"That was the opposite of helpful, Hibiki." Ranma said. “Like, glad to hear that Shampoo might not murder me on sight but really you’re just spinning your wheels.”

"Well then! Maybe I should talk about those terrible magic ring threads instead!" Ryoga yelled. "Ugh! What is <i>wrong</i> with some people?! Why that kendo obsessed idiot of all people!?"

"Well, at least you didn't wander into any of the stories obsessed with turning me into an airheaded bimbo," Akane said, more seeming like she was reassuring herself than Ryoga. You could tell because the boy's face went pale, and he suddenly clutched the sides of his head as though someone had blasted an airhorn in both of his ears.

"Oh no!" he yelled, grabbing a microphone from the ether as a spotlight came down. "I remember now! I tried so hard to forget it, to repress it! Those horrible memories of Akane Tendo, super bimbo. With breasts so large she could barely walk, and an intelligence so low that she made Kampfer's protagonist look like a genius!"

Everyone winced. That... that was pretty lacking in intelligence or critical thinking. Ryoga wept dramatically, putting the back of his hand against his forehead. "Ah... it was such a pitiable sight! Seeing her strut around in that barely fitting pink gi with all the frills, spreading her legs for anything with a pulse! Oh, sweet Akane! You do not deserve such a fate in any reality!"

Akane tugged his ear to snap him out of it. "Suppress those memories! Suppress them right now!"

"For you Akane? I'll gladly repress those evil memories," Ryoga sighed.

"Well, that does sound pretty rotten," Ranma sighed, pulling the two apart. "Man. Having to head through all those porn threads must've been rough."

"Not to mention that he'll probably get lost again in the near future..." Kasumi observed. "Who knows where he might end up next?"

“But none of that’s my fault.” Ranma said, “So what’s your problem?”

"Fufufufufu..." Ryoga chuckled darkly. "What's my problem? You stand there and ask me that, like the oblivious shonen character you are? What's my problem, you say? Here's my problem!"

And like that, Ryoga Hibiki pulled out a flask of water and dumped its contents all over his head. The transformation was rapid, nigh instantaneous. The boy completely vanished right before their very eyes.

"Ooh, baby give me some of that," Sayuri growled.

"Yipes..." Kasumi breathly said. "My, my Ryoga. Do you need me to comfort you at all?"

Akane, for her part, had the most muted reaction. Blindly staring and boggling in utter disbelief at what lay before them. Where once there had been a buff handsome boy who was a little bit angsty and very much a woobie, and he had been replaced by...

Same hairstyle as Ryoga. A cute little fang protruding out the corner of the mouth. Same clothes too. But... Oof, there were a lot more curves there than there had been a moment ago. Ryoga's jumper was stretched out, the trousers hanging a little off her hips. Not as if they were going to fall down or anything, but more like she'd accidentally picked a pair a size too big.

Yes, those were feminine pronouns used there. Ryoga gave a little twirl in place and flashed a v for victory sign. Her eyes sparkled, her aura shone with a bright radiance.

"Behold the power of the Spring of Drowned Cute Busty Girl!"

"Cuuuuuuute!" everyone else in the room cried, even Ranma. Who at least had the decency to be embarrassed about the whole thing. More than could be said for the three girls.

"I wanna pet her!" Sayuri whined.

"I want to brush her hair," Kasumi sighed.

"I wanna fuck her stupid, then fuck her smart so that I can fuck her stupid again!" Akane said. Oh gosh, she was learning a lot about herself of late.

"Kukukukuku... Now that it's too late, you see the true form of my revenge!" Ryoga cackled. "They can't resist my cuteness! I'll steal these girls away from you, before your very eyes and turn this thread into CBG 1/2! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Hold on, hold on!" Ranma interrupted. "You want revenge on me because...?"

"Because do you know how many guys have hit on me over the last few weeks?!" Ryoga yelled, leaning back and putting her hands to her cheeks. She fake swooned. "Oh, the horror of it all! And it's all your fault, you mean, mean inconsiderate boy."

"Ranma!" Akane elbowed him. "How could you do that to her?"

"Making a girl cry is not a very manly thing to do," Kasumi admonished.

"Hey, wait. What? What?! How is this my fault?"

"Waaaah! Now he's refusing to take responsibility!" Ryoga whined.

The girls crept forward, cooing and awing. Completely spellbound by Ryoga's new form. Cue a splash of cold water, and a very familiar and very hot voice calling out "Oh girls!"

That voice was like a siren call. Akane didn't want to look away from Ryoga's cuteness - until her memory was quite insistent on Ranma's hotness. So she, Sayuri and Kasumi all turned around to behold the living embodiment of hotness that was Ranma Saotome's cursed form. Even going so far as to pose for them.

"Like what you see?" Ranma asked, knowing the answer very very well. Even so. All three of them answered with a wolf howl. "Heh! You ain't winning this that easily Hibiki! Behold the power of my hotness!"

"Oh no!" Ryoga sobbed. "Wah! I am bested yet again!"

"Oops I appear to have spilled juice on my trousers off they come!"

As an aside, have you ever heard of Buridan's Ass? It seems quite appropriate as this is a contest between a hot piece of ass and her arch-rival. It's a thought experiment on the nature of rational thought and free will, a paradox if you will. Imagine that you have a donkey and two bales of hay that are completely the same in any reasonable measure. Place the two bales on either side of the donkey at an equal distance, such that it may see them both. The donkey will then, paradoxically, be unable to make a rational decision between the two of them and starve to death. The paradox is that we know this is not what the donkey shall do in reality: It shall make a seemingly random selection using some arbitrary metric only it can possibly know.

"Can't... make up mind..." Akane complained, rapidly turning around in a vain attempt to see ultimate hotness and ultimate cuteness at the same time. "Ugh! How dare these two cursed idiots put us in this mess! I'll clock their heads together. Later."

Alas, the cursed pair were oblivious to the plight of the girls they were vying over. What mattered ultimately to them both was one thing and one thing only: Victory. For Ranma, the sake of pride. For Ryoga the sake of revenge.

"Heh, I gotta give you props Hibiki," Ranma sneered, lifting up her shirt to show off her navel. "I didn't figure you'd have the guts to adjust to a duel in a porn thread."

Ryoga responded by tossing her jumper aside, letting her bare breasts bounce and jiggle in the open air. "After the things I've seen in those other threads, this is nothing!"

“I think they’re the same size, but Ryoga looks so much bigger thanks to being such a tiny little bundle of cuteness!” Sayuri whispered.

“Yeah you’d expect Ranma to have the shortstack look covered but this new girl has her beat on that front.” Kasumi said.

"... Will you two get ahold of yourselves?" Akane asked, while also openly leering at the two girls.

"Feh! You don't have the guts to take this nearly far enough," Ranma scoffed, dumping her trousers to the floor, boxers and all, and stepping out of them. She walked right up to the girls, turned around and smacked her hot booty. "Go ahead, take a feel of a hot piece of ass. You know you want it."

No further invitation was needed, and the trio of girls gladly groped dat booty for all it was worth. Incidentally it was last valued as 'priceless'. Ryoga seethed at the sight: She would not be denied! Not after all the terrible grammar that she'd had to endure! Not after the atrocious misspellings!

"Or you could always have your fill of my cute breasts," Ryoga said, marching right on in and pushing the girls away, thrusting out her bust so the girls could get the best possible view. "Go ahead. I'm too much of a woobie to say no."

Sure enough a pair of feminine hands found their way to Ryoga's bust. Unfortunately, those hands belonged to the person she hated the most. "Bah! These aren't nearly as big as mine!" Ranma claimed. "What're you girls drooling all over? The hotness is right this way!"

Steam flew up from Ryoga's head. Not steam of embarrassment, mark you. This was steam of outright frustration. She slipped out of Ranma's grip and got behind her, reversing their groping position like only a martial artist can.

"What world do you live on? My cursed form has way better breasts than these saggy things!"

"Saggy?! I'll have you know these puppies are as firm as ripe apples but twice as delicious!"

"Oh my..." Kasumi gasped. "Is this... going where I think it is going?"

"I will murder anyone that gets in the way of this," Sayuri warned. "Or tries to make it so that I cannot see it happening in front of me."

"... Ugh... I'm going to have to watch Ranma lay basically everyone <i>but</i> me at this point aren't I?" Akane whined. Not unjustifiably, considering the author's preferences. "Seriously! Come on, can't I get me some already?" Sure. When you start acting a bit more in character. "But that behaviour will actively keep me from getting laid!" In a porn thread? Are you <i>sure</I> about that?

"Will you quit arguing with the author already?" Sayuri insisted. "I think they're about to hit the point where they realise they're flirt-fighting."

By which she meant that the pair transformed by surprisingly similar curses were standing nipple to nipple, hands on each other's asses and staring at each other in a way that - if you ignored everything from the neck down - would look exactly like a promotional poster with the words 'grudge match of the century' underneath it.

"Face it Ranma, your cursed form isn't all that," Ryoga mocked, her face moving closer to Ranma's. That same spark of hatred burning in her eyes. "My cute busty bod knocks yours out of the park."

"You couldn't even find the park to knock me out of it," Ranma returned fire. "Oh, what. You got yourself a cute human curse form and you think you can match up to me? Bitch please! I've got about thirty years on you already."

Holy shit, Ranma 1/2 came out about thirty years ago. How about that?

"Yeah well. That just means your cursed form is old news," Ryoga sniffed. "I'm the new hotness around these parts."

"Prove it! Wait... Shit, I lost track of my genre awareness for a second there. Prove it without kiss-"

Too late. Ryoga bowled Ranma to the floor. Sayuri let out a whimper of glee and started drawing sketches. Kasumi sat down to enjoy the show, while Akane decided to take the author's advice to heart and at least pretended like she was disgusted with the whole thing.