Story: Akane the Half Alien

Deep within the Kuno residence, another family reunion was taking place. Tatewaki and Kodachi were finally able to meet their long lost sister Ran, who had been taken away from Earth by their alien mother and raised solely by her. Tatewaki himself had yet to learn about the “alien” part of the equation, but it’ll probably come up. Eventually.

"Are you comfortable, my sweet and innocent sister?" Tatewaki asked while fluffing another pillow for Ran to recline upon. A pillow that he had taken from right under where his other sister had been planning to sit. "Please do relax. Would you like something to drink? Are you hungry? Are there enemies that I may strike down with my sword in your name?"

"No, no, and oh my that's so silly of you big brother!" Ran tittered. She leaned back in her miniature pillow fortress and sighed. "I missed both of you."

"Attention seeking as always..." Kodachi grumbled to herself. Staring at the two of them. Watching her elder brother doting over the devious little pest. Exactly like he always used to. Now, don't misunderstand her: It wasn't as if she wanted her dumb older brother to lavish that much attention on her - "Ugh, now I'm starting to think like that Tendo girl..." Kodachi groused.

"Kodachi! My twisted sister! Stop frowning on this glorious day! Put a smile upon your face, for the Kuno siblings are reunited at last!"

Always with the melodrama. Didn't he see how thoroughly uncool it looked? Well. Judging from the smile on Ran's face she didn't see it as uncool either. If anything her eyes were all sparkling and glittery as she watched the big dork stand there smugly nodding with his hands on his waist. Ugh. That girl always had a weakness for this kind of thing. It wouldn't surprise her in the slightest if Ran's ideal man was a dumb handsome mess. A large rock with an attractive mask would probably steal her heart in a second.

"We should celebrate by going out together!" Tatewaki suggested.

"Oh? That sounds like fun!" Ran tittered and clapped her hands. "Ah! We haven't gone out together for ages! Golly gosh! The last time we all went out together was the amusement park, wasn't it?"

Kodachi fidgeted in her seat. Oh yes. The amusement park. She remembered that experience. She remembered that very, very well.

"Tee hee hee!" Ran tittered to herself. "I remember buying this juice from a vendor and rushing over to give it to daddy - but then I tripped over a coconut, and wound up spilling it over his back." She laughed to herself again. "I put the glass down and immediately ran off to find a towel. He was so grateful that he patted me on the head..." Ran sighed in contentment. Ah her father was how like all parents should act!

"Yes, I remember that well," Kodachi growled, fixing Ran with a deadly gaze. "I saw you put down the glass and run away, but I had not seen you trip and spill it. So I picked it up to throw it in the trash. However, that was when our foolish father saw me - and leaped to the wrong conclusion."

"Oopsie doopsei!" Ran gasped.

"Oopsie indeed!" Kodachi rose to her feet, eye twitching as the memory came back to her. "Father had me dress as a clown instead of my regular school uniform so that I would learn the proper importance of appearances!"

"Indeed, mother was always far more supportive and understanding," Tatewaki nodded. "I recall one time, after I had first picked up the sword on my road to mastering the art of kendo. I encountered some philistines who belittled my new hobby, but mother leaped to my defense and helped them understand how wrong their position was."

"What you mean is, you were showing off to Ran and accidentally hit some boys in the face," Kodachi quipped. Although, a funny thing about that. Ran was clenching her fists up against her knees right now. The cutesy expression she'd had on was gone, her eyes were wide open and even at a distance Kodachi could see that Ran's eyes were bloodshot. As though she were barely holding back a torrent of raw fury.

"I... ran off to get help," Ran said. "I told mother what was happening, and she scared the bullies off. Then after she got back she whooped me something fierce for not staying to help you fight! She whooped me for running off like a coward! That woman... That woman blamed me for everything! Aaaargh! I mean, teehee, what fun it is reminiscing about the past."

And so we see that the Kuno siblings had very different views on their parents. Ahem. To Tatewaki and Kodachi, who had to deal with their idiot Hawaii obsessed father, he was a lunatic with a thing for short hairstyles. To Ran, who had to deal with the brunt of her mother's stupidly and abusively strict parenting, her mother was the source of quite a few levels of psychosis and neurosis. Which manifested in two very different personalities seeming to come from this girl: One petty and vindictive, the other cute and bubbly.

"Ah, I do wish that you had stayed instead," Tatewaki nodded solemnly. "It would have been better for all of us, I think, if you had."

And there's the last straw. That poor, poor camel. It did not deserve such a cruel fate... Though in Kodachi's view her siblings definitely had this coming. She stood up. She took a deep breath. Then she tossed a bouquet of black roses into Ran's lap.

"Wait dear sister!" Tatewaki dashed forward to grab the flowers away. Exactly as Kodachi had intended. "What are you intending?"

What she was intending was for the pair of them to get sprayed in their stupid faces with a dose of paralysis powder. Which was exactly what she got! The pair of them crumpled to the floor like a pair of paper dolls caught out in the rain. Ah, how satisfying!

"Sister... why...?" Ran whimpered and twitched on the floor.

"Ohohoho! You need ask dear sister?" Kodachi laughed it up into the back of her hand. "You were getting a little bit too cloyingly cute. All I did was calm you down a little bit! Ohohoho!"

"Aww... but.. But I got you a present, sis!" Ran said. Then, lo and behold, a tiny Ran wandered into the room. It was like a porcelain doll. It strode across to Kodachi with a big grin painted on its face. So Kodachi did the only reasonable thing that she could upon seeing such a thing.

She whipped it immediately with her ribbon, and felt tremendous satisfaction when it blew up.

"Hmph! You take after our father more than I realised," Kodachi cackled. "Sorry, but I've long since grown out of playing with dolls."

"But... Have you grown out... of dolls playing with you?"

There was movement at the corner of her eyes. Above her! Kodachi looked up to the ceiling... Then her face went pale.

"I'm sooo sorry 'Dachi!" Ran said. "Here, have these as my way of apology."

The dolls began to drop from the ceiling like rain, forcing Kodachi onto the back foot right away. Her gymnastic skills were put to the test as the girl somersaulted, cartwheeled and flipped around the room, lashing out with her ribbon and laughing like a lunatic. Dodging explosions that somehow didn’t destroy the house. Eventually the dozen or so dolls were all left lying in piles of scrap while Kodachi stood in the middle of the room in a classical landing position that would have got her a ten even from the Russian judge.

"Such a meagre display is no match for the Black Rose!" Kodachi announced.

"Yay sis, that was so cool!" Ran said. "Say, why don't we kiss and make up, <b>you total psycho-bitch!</b>!"

Kodachi spun around and soon found herself being pinned down by a girl who should absolutely not have been able to move. Then to her utter shock that sister kissed her full on the lips - and oh dear she seemed to be feeling faint all of a sudden. She could hardly keep herself upright under her own power. It felt like those times when that bratty teacher drained away her energy.

"Hah! You got what you deserved!" Ran laughed, triumphant and proud over Kodachi. "How does it feel not being able to move?! Hahaha! Teehee, did you really think something that paralyses humans is gonna work on alien biology for as long? Especially after li'l Ran had to eat some of Lum's <b>awful attempts at cooking that only catered to Oni tastes, that insensitive bitch!</b> Oh no, did I yell again? So~orry!"

Kodachi tried to push herself up but it was no good. This really was exactly like that teacher's technique! Ah! But how had Ran learned to master such a trick? Also her body looked the same as it did before! Blast it all, now she was completely at the mercy of the other girl with no possible avenue of escape.

"Ah, Lum did you say?" Tatewaki asked. "This would be that alien woman who challenged a local lout to a game of tag? Yes, I have seen her around Furinkan of late. Clearly the only reason an attractive girl like that would be nearby is word of the Blue Thunder reaching her ears. If you are friends with her, dear sister, please feel free to let her know where she can find me."

A few emotions passed over Ran's face as their brother talked just then. The first was like a mockery of serenity, which broke away and revealed the disgust and anger underneath. Then this gave way to another facade, one of happiness and cutesy contentment.

Suddenly the girl spun on her heels and beamed a bright brilliant smile right at Tatewaki. Who was still paralysed from the powder, but had regained his ability to speak.

"Oh my, my, my! Does my big brother have a crush on my <b>best friend</b> Lum?"

There was something a little bit unsettling in the way that she said that. Something <i>off</i> in the girl's body language. Ran stepped forward excitedly, coincidentally walking right over Tatewaki's chest. "Oh my, oh my, oh my!" Ran cheered. Then she turned around and reversed track, seemingly totally ignorant of their brother's grunts of pain. "This is so exciting! My, my, my! Cute li'l Lum and Ran's handsome big brother! They'd make such a <b>cute</b> couple! Hahahahaha! Don't you think so, sis?"

"I... have a better couple in mind," Kodachi said. She put her fingers in her mouth and then let out a whistle. "Why don't you play a while with Mister Green Turtle?"

"Mister Green Turtle?" Ran bobbed her head to the side. "Oh... You mean that baby alligator you got for your birthday... One... Year.... Yipe!"

Ah, how satisfying it was to see this artificially cutesy pest fleeing for her life from a hungry giant alligator. Had she the energy Kodachi would have let out another maniacal laugh. As it was, she hadn't the strength so she was going to lie down for a while to the dulcet melody of Ran's frightened screams.

"Good to have you back, sister..." Kodachi sighed contently. Proving once and for all - as if there wasn't already a wealth of such proof - that this family is freaking weird.

<hr>

When you work in customer service you will encounter all sorts of people from all walks of life. Trust me when I say this: You will have a hard time truly shocking someone that has done this kind of work long term. You don't survive in that kind of environment without being able to roll with the punches, smile and speak with a calm measured tone no matter what complete nonsense and drivel the customer is saying to you. Because if you didn't they'd raise hell and drive away business, maybe make a complaint and that's the last thing you need...

Of late the news had been dominated by the discovery that mankind was not alone in the universe and that our first contact with beings from beyond the stars was a total babe who liked to float around in a bikini. Which Ukyo to a startling revelation relating to customer service: Namely that a cheap marketing ploy had opened up before her! Cue her 'Lum Special' which was a drawing of Lum's face made up of toppings. It had so far gone down a treat, especially with the boys.

As a woman it bothered her that sexual objectification was bringing in all these customers, but as a business owner it was easy to ignore that so she could pay the bills this month.

"Gosh, what does it say about boys when they will pay out the nose to eat images of an alien that came here to conquer us only because she is pretty and mostly naked?" Konatsu asked.

"It doesn't say anything we didn't already know," Ukyo replied immediatley. Ah, but then the door opened up "Hello and welcome to Uchan's!" Ukyo immediately said, a nigh pavlovic response to hearing the bell on the door at this point. Looking up she saw a rather handsome boy, cooly striding in. He had a cute face. Was wearing a white shirt and black trousers that looked like a school uniform. Something about the way he carried himself seemed pretty familiar, but she couldn't place it for some reason.

Konatsu skipped right on up to the new customer in a manner that completely belied his true gender. He smiled at him in that way he did that made boys all weak at the knees. Heh. A complete natural. He'd probably heard about the Lum Special and wanted to see Ukyo's cute drawing of that hot alien girl. He certainly seemed to be studying Konatsu enough. Careful pal, look too closely and you might not like what you see.

"Miss!" the customer suddenly yelled, grasping Konatsu's hands. "I'd like ya to teach me what it's like to be a woman!"

Cue Ukyo falling over. Luckily she was a professional so the okonomiyaki she had been cooking still landed perfectly on the griddle.

"Oh dear!" Konatsu gasped in an extremely feminine way. "I am quite afraid you would be better off asking another person who is a much better example of a woman than I am."

"A better example?" the customer asked, seeming nigh manic at this point. "Who? Who could possibly be more girly than you?!"

Konatsu pointed a trembling dainty and immaculately manicured finger directly at Ukyo. Who waved nervously at the customer.

"Huh. Is there some chick behind the counter next to that guy?" the customer asked. He shielded his eyes and looked very closely. "All I see is some guy, no cute chicks at all over there!"

'I will not clang the customer with my spatula,' Ukyo thought to herself, continuing to smile and adopt the standard of customer service she expected of herself. She repeated it like a mantra, keeping herself calm and sane. No matter what, she wouldn't clang him.

"There is nobody behind this counter but the pinnacle of femininity, Ukyo Kuonji!" Konatsu said into a microphone that he had retrieved from somewhere. "Oh, she is an idol! Better than an idol! Her womanly nature surpasses all others!"

"That's a guy!" the customer insisted.

"She's no more a man than you are a girl," Konatsu said.

And that's right about when things went to hell, for a rather ugly middle aged man popped his face in out of nowhere, tears streaming from his eyes. "Well said, young lady! Ryuunosuke, you should take her words to heart!

WHAP! The man was hit in the back of the head with a stick. “Oh… oh dear I’m sorry sir! I thought I saw a terrible monster and acted on instinct, I suppose it’s fortunate I still haven’t gotten my sword back from the pawn shop…” Konatsu said, the stick still in his hands.

"Thought, nothing..." the young man - Ryuunosuke apparently - grunted. "This old man may be my pops, but he's the worst monster you ever laid eyes on!"

"Spoken by someone that's not met Happosai," Ukyo mumbled to herself.

Alas it seemed that Konatsu's stick to the back of the head wasn't quite enough to put this guy's dad down. It did make the back of his head swell up quite a bit, though. He dashed over to his son and shook his hands with great enthusiasm.

"Great work, boy! Infiltrating the competition like this!" Huh? Huh? Competition? What was this guy talking about? "Since nobody goes to the beach except in summer, this street will be a prime spot for Hamachaya 2.0!"

"Hey, I was only looking around!" Ryuunosuke protested. But it fell on deaf ears.

Hamachaya... 2.0? Oh. Oh! Ukyo got it, now. These two weren't customers. They were... competition. And that meant the rules of customer service were gone out the window. You didn't have to be polite to the competition.

On top of that there was one other little fact about Ukyo that you had to be aware of. This girl, she was super competitive about her restaurant. On that basis she leaped over the counter with battle spatula in hand, prepared to clang that big swollen mass on the back of the man's head. He deftly dodged, forcing Ryuunosuke to block it. Catching her spatula, turning it ninety degrees and using her other hand to brace against it.

"Fufufufu..." Ukyo cackled. "Just what I would expect. Exactly what I would expect from my newest rivals."

"Hey, I don't wanna be your rival!" Ryuunosuke protested.

"What's the matter? Now that you've seen us, you don't think you can keep up?" Ukyo asked. "I'll chalk that up to another win, as my enemy made a sensible retreat. You can't win! Fufufufu, a pretty boy like you can't match our skills!"

Ukyo ducked as Ryuunosuke's father suddnely tried to swipe her with a plate. Cue the two of them facing off a moment later, staring each other down with her pressing her oversized spatula against the chopsticks he was using to defend. Nimble bastard!

"My son and I are more determined than ever to be the top dog!"

"Dog, huh? You're sure ugly enough!"

Meanwhile Konatsu sidled on over to Ryuunosuke. Both of them watching the pair of them fighting it out with rather dejected expressions on their faces.

"Young master, I feel that both of our lives are about to get more complicated."

"Yeah, tell me about it..." Ryuunosuke growled. "Ya got any okonomiyaki on the cheap? I'm starving..."

1. The next day Akane has to deal with Kuno only now he has Ran’s help
2. Another Oni barges into town, looking for food and Lum. And since Akane looks a lot like her...
3. Ranma and Ataru get drawn into the competition between Uchan's and the Hachamiya.
4. Ryoga encounters a baseball eating idiot with starry eyes.
5. Something else