If there's anything that cannot be, it is for Shutaro Mendo to be unsatisfied at the end of a day. Usually, he finds that satisfaction in the abject humiliation of one Ataru Moroboshi. Which usually requires no effort on his part. The boy was born under a cursed star. He was not only poor and homely and stupid and - the most tragic fate of all - not a part of the Mendo dynasty. But the fool was also hideously unlucky. To the point that if it were anyone else, Shutaro would have felt a twinge of sympathy rather than the amusement he normally enjoyed at the suffering of other men.
Alas, there was no satisfaction to be found upon this wretched day. Not only had Ataru Moroboshi not suffered, but he had even gone out of his way to humiliate his betters. A vain attempt to drag Shutaro down to his pitiable level! If he had learned any one thing it was this: Never let the rabble think that they can get their claws in you. For once they believe that, this is when others start to pitch in.
So it was not a matter of hatred or spite. It was survival. Of the fittest! Which, of course, was Shutaro Mendo!
... Cue a large bell being dropped on him completely closing him off in darkness.
"Wah! It's dark! It's cramped! I'm scared!"
"Hello brother," said a pretty, but also extremely evil and cunning looking girl who was even now leaning casually on the bell. Occasionally tapping it with a small hammer. "What foolishness are you up to today?"
The girl then looked at the charts that he had put up on the wall in his room. Of course. Ataru Moroboshi. The wicked sister of the arrogant lout let out a bored sigh. Of course. Again. Honestly, some boys put pinups of bikinis clad girls on their walls, not their hated arch-rivals.
Pay close attention and you could probably hear the bubble of inspiration pop right over Ryoko's naughty, devious head.
"Gaaaah!" Shutaro grunted as he hauled the bell off himself in a truly impressive show of strength. If Ataru were to slap the Level Upper on him his Escape Dark Places Skill would be shown to be impressively high. "Sister! Please stop doing that!"
In response to this Ryoko snapped her fingers and an even bigger, sturdier bell was dropped on him by her loyal kurokos. While he resumed his mantra of absolute terror, Ryoko clasped her hands together and began the new routine that she'd now thought of.
"Oh, brother dearest! Seeing how you obsess so about that Moroboshi boy... Oh, it warms my heart to see you so smitten!"
If Shutaro wasn't terrified out of his mind, then he might have popped a few blood vessels from the sheer suddenness of the anger he would be feeling.
"As your loving little sister, I will of course do everything in my power to ensure your happiness," Ryoko spun around for effect, tossing flowers around the room.
"I'm not gaaaaaaaay!" Shutaro yelled while splitting this bell too. Meanwhile, Ataru began rolling around on the floor unable to stop laughing, while Lum looked on with great concern.
When asked why he was laughing so hard, all Ataru could say was "We still live in a time when homophobia is funny rather than an example of blatant bigotry." Which made no sense to either of them, but there you go.
Meanwhile, Shutaro grabbed his sister's shoulders and towered over her with an absolutely demonic visage. "Sister, don't you dare go spreading such ridiculous rumours!"
"Well, of course not dear brother. Anyone can see you're quite intent on keeping this in the closet."
"I'm glad that you see sense!" Shutaro yelled so loudly that the walls shook. He let go of Ryoko's shoulders. "You appear to have misunderstood the purpose behind these drawings and illustrations. I seek vengeance upon that fool, to ensure he is put back in his place. I do not hold feelings of affection for Ataru Moroboshi!"
"I'm sorry," Ryoko said, rubbing her ear. "I didn't quite catch that. What is it you don't hold?"
"Feelings of -" Shutaro began, then gave his sister the stink eye. He grabbed the tape recorder out of her hand and stamped hard on it. "Oh no, you won't trick me that easily. Sister, please cease your troublemaking - or at the very least direct it in a more productive way. Aim it at Moroboshi instead!"
"Brother!" Ryoko gasped. "Your feelings are so strong that you intend to live vicariously through your little sister, throwing me to him like a piece of meat!"
"Ah! You are intolerable!" Shutaro roared in frustration. "Will you cease this ridiculous new strategy? Stop trying to imply that I have a romantic interest in Ataru Moroboshi!"
Click. There was a second recorder in Ryoko's grip.
<i>"I have a romantic interest in Ataru Moroboshi."</i>
Shutaro heard that and lunged for the tape recorder, but some invisible force (kuroko) was holding him back and then another even bigger bell was dumped on his head. Now, it must be pointed out that by now he was running on so much adrenaline that even this bell stopped him for exactly three seconds, but by then Ryoko was outside riding inside a heavily fortified carriage. There was no getting to her now!
"Brother dearest, I shall inform Ataru Moroboshi of your feelings so that you may yet have a chance at your dreams!" Ryoko said, leaning out of the window to wave at him. And then she closed it, completely sealing herself off from his reach. Tape recorder and all! The only thing Shutaro could do was clench his fists and stoically watch as the carriage rode off out of the Mendo estate.
Very, very slowly.
To the point that when it actually left the estate Shutaro was already stalking out of the Mendo properties well in front of it.
If Ryoko did manage to get that tape out to Ataru Moroboshi, it would be the end of him. Even he would not be able to recover from that kind of humiliation! Being outed as gay in 1970s Japan? He might as well cut off his own head! He'd be expelled from the family! This... Ryoko had gone too far this time! Not that she knew the meaning of 'too far' to begin with.
He needed a plan. A counter plan! Yes, that's the trick. Maybe - maybe if he found a cute girl to take on as his girlfriend, get out ahead of the rumour and make it seem ridiculous. Yes, that was the trick! His thoughts went to Lum at first. But no. That was unsuitable. She'd resisted his advances so far, and it would take at least a little while longer for him to make her understand how superior he was as a boyfriend. Bless her body, but her alien mind was still a mystery to him.
What he needed was an Earth girl. A human. Someone cute, someone he could believably present as a girlfriend worthy of Shutaro Mendo. They had to be someone reasonably popular, someone who it would be believable that he would date her out of the blue. Oh but what woman could fit that criteria!?
"I'm over him... I'm over him... I'm over him... I'm over him..." he heard being chanted like a mantra by someone who quite obviously thought they were being less loud than they actually were. Shutaro turned around and saw... Shinobu Miyake from class. A pretty enough girl, but a touch too ordinary to suit his tastes. She was carrying some plastic bags that looked to be full of food for reasons that mystified him. "I'm over him... I'm over him... I'm over him... Oh, hello Shutaro. Out for a stroll?"
"To clear my head..." he said, a slow smile creeping onto his face. Yes... Perfect. She was pretty enough, and that was good enough. Better still! She was Moroboshi's ex-girlfriend. What better dagger to plunge into another man's heart than to date their ex and flaunt it before their eyes. "I was wondering Miss Shinobu, if you would accompany me to the theatre tonight?"
Shinobu stared at him quite intensely for a moment. So he stood there politely, waiting for an answer. Right about then Ryoko's carriage passed on by, and she leaned out to affix a pink triangle to his shirt, then took a picture.
<hr>
Ataru's day started in quite abnormal fashion. With him being unable to breathe. Now, since he was already on the edge of consciousness this was a non-lethal event. Not that it would have been anyway. As he discovered when he opened his eyes with fright that his over-eager alien 'fiancee' had elected to awaken him up on this fine morning with a kiss.
He scrambled his arms around wildly, which is not quite the reaction one would expect from a pervert being kissed awake by a hot alien girl wearing naught but a bikini and gogo boots. Regardless, this frantic response was actually pretty normal for their relationship. She certainly seemed to be getting a lot more out of the kiss than he was.
"Good morning darling!" Lum said as Ataru sucked in air. "Gosh, you sure did drop off last night all of a sudden. That's not like you at all, darling! You're usually so full of energy."
He grunted his response. Not quite awake yet. Almost suffocated on a spicy pair of lips. What had happened last night hadn’t quite lodged itself into his mind yet, so he was simply confused at this point in time.
Lum giggled, waved and left the room with a sultry... float. Ataru's sleepy gaze lingered a while longer. Lum did have a really sexy body, in spite of his protestations to the contrary. If he'd been firing on all cylinders he'd have pointedly looked elsewhere, but as it stood?
"Man, she's being really weird today," Ataru yawned and scratched his chest. "I wonder- "
Then he felt it. The device that he was still wearing. Underneath his clothes, he'd accidentally worn the Level Upper all night. A realisation that, by the way, brought back certain memories of the night before. Of a mouthful so hot that he'd relied on this device to devise a solution for his brief trip into hell's gourmet kitchen.
A solution which involved frenching Lum.
Blatantly sticking his tongue right into her mouth and licking it. In search of whatever chemical Oni use to neutralise the hotness.
Well. Crap. Now Ataru was awake. Up on his feet. Panicking. Crap. Crap. Crap! Now Lum might think he - Might think he <i>likes</i> her! That wouldn't do! That wouldn't do at all! Now he might get saddled down before he could sow his wild oats. He'd never have a harem! Unthinkable! Tied down to one woman!
The fact that this 'one woman' was super into him, willing to put up with his bullshit to a point few others would and was such an easy ten on the hotness scale that she made it look easy. Yeah... Ataru's earned his reputation as an absolute fool by any reasonable measure.
Regardless: He was panic stricken by the idea that she was thinking their relationship was moving on to the next level.
"Okay. Okay," he took a few deep breaths. In part to catch up with Lum interfering with his breathing there when he woke up, but also to calm himself down. "Blame the food. Tell her there was a thing in it that made me get all kissy - Wait, wait... Then she might try to feed it to me more often! Ah... Maybe if I use the charm skill in this thing I can talk her into being less affectionate? Yeah, that'll do."
With full confidence, he strode off towards the door of his room with a plan in mind. Threw it open. Then found himself face to face with an upside down oni girl, who wrapped her hands around his head and pulled him into another smooch before he knew what was happening.
"Teeheehehehe!" Lum tittered. She tapped her foot three times on the ceiling and then flew off.
"... Buh..." Ataru grinned. Then shook it off his face like he owed it money. The level upper beeped. He'd gained a level in kissing. "Okay, maybe it's not gonna be that easy..." he groused. His stomach growled. Right. He was starving! Goodness only knows what that alien cuisine did to his insides. Breakfast first, calming down Lum later.
Looking around nervously for any sign of his amorous alien pursuer, Ataru crept into the kitchen. Aha! No sign of her. His mother was washing a glass at the sink and breakfast was already at the table. He relaxed and sat down, facing the door so he'd see her coming.
"Morning," he said to his mother. Right. When Lum next showed up he was going to be ready for her. "Mind if I have a glass of water?" No more sneaky kisses, he was going to nip this issue in the bud before it became a big recurring thing. A glass was put on the table. Still no sign of Lum. "Thanks," he said, taking a sip from it.
"Anytime, darling."
Huh? Ataru nearly gagged on the water, then felt his head being turned up. That was Lum. In a dress and a wig. Gah! Was she trying to give him a complex by dressing up as his mother?! Then kissing him and - Tongue. That was tongue. That was definitely spicy Oni tongue!
"Teeheehehehe!" Lum tittered. Then zoomed out of the room. She didn't always sound like a car when flying, did she? He'd have noticed that, right?
"So this is going to be my day now," Ataru nodded. Well. At the very least this didn't look like Lum cooked it. He shovelled the food into his mouth. Aha. Turns out he was wrong about that. Very, very wrong. He pushed the chair backwards, put his head under the sink and turned the tap.
Only to find that Lum had somehow replaced the tap with herself, while her body was floating through what appeared to be a space-time corridor. On the plus side it did neutralise the searing pain he was feeling in his mouth. Oh. And his level upper dinged again.
"Teeheehehehe!" Lum tittered. She tapped the sink quickly three times with her hands, then pushed off through the space-time corridor.
Right. Time for him to be elsewhere for a couple hours. A little bit of girl chasing ought to clear the air and help him get things back to normal. Out the front door he went, keeping his mouth covered. No more kiss stealing! Not today!
Almost immediately he caught sight of a really pretty girl walking by the front of the house. "Excuse me!" he called out. "Hi, I'm Ataru Moroboshi, what's your -"
He stopped. Wait. Wait a minute here! "You're Lum in a wig and school uniform."
"Huh?" the girl asked. "Who is Lum?"
"You can't fool me! I know your face too well by now!" Ataru yelled, then turned and ran as fast as he could down the street.
"Huh... Weird," the girl that was absolutely not Lum shrugged. "He was really cute, too."
This is what it's like to live the life of Ataru Moroboshi. Misery! Abject misery and misfortune! Mostly brought on himself. Alright, almost entirely brought on himself, but that's not the point. He was tempted to throw away the Level Upper before it caused him any more trouble - but no! Not this time. It hadn't strictly speaking failed him yet. It had improved his skill in certain helpful areas. If he thought this through, maybe he could even figure out other things he could do with it!
While he was lost in thought he felt someone next to him blow air into his ear. "Lum, will you quit - Oh, hello Ryoko. Fancy seeing you here."
"Shhhh!" Ryoko hushed. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses which covered up her pretty eyes. "Ataru Moroboshi... It's awful. Simply awful! My brother! He's... He's hiding his true self."
"No, no he's really not," Ataru said. "He's a jerk inside, he's a jerk outside."
“Oh but my brother is so much more than a narcissistic jerk!” Ryoko said, not denying that bit at all.
"He's an arrogant stupid narcissistic jerk?"
“More than that even!” She wiped a tear from her cheek. "He's... he's as straight as a rainbow."
Well. That did it. He was heading back home to make out with Lum. His life was complete, he could finally relax in his quest to acquire a harem. It didn't matter if it was true or not. It probably wasn't. But still, the very notion that Shutaro Mendo was into men? Too funny for him to have any other reaction.
"And... he's using that Shinobu girl as his beard!"
"... His beard?" Ataru asked, imagining that rich bastard somehow strapping Shinobu to his chin. Wouldn't put it past him.
"It's slang for 'the girl they pretend to have a relationship with to hide their gayness', Sir Moroboshi."
"Oh!" Ataru nodded. "Wait... he's dating Shinobu?"
And there went his good mood. Back at the Moroboshi residence, Lum snapped her fingers in disappointment without knowing why. Now, Ataru was well aware by now that Ryoko was probably messing with him. She did that. She always did like to screw with people and not in the fun way. But she wouldn't bring up something like Shinobu and her brother dating unless there was meat on the bone.
And Shinobu was one of Ataru’s favorite girls! <s>Just behind Lum!</s> They had even dated for a bit, sure she broke up with him. But Ataru was sure he’d win her back someday. Somehow. The thought of Mendo even <b>pretending</b> to go on a date with her inspired a jealous possessiveness that only could be matched by when men came onto Lum for some reason.
“What do you need me to do.” He said to Ryoko, and she smiled.
<hr>
Ever since he'd shown up, most of the girls at school went gaga over Shutaro Mendo. He was rich. He was handsome. He was suave. Hell, even she was kind of into him... Right up until she realised he was basically Ataru in a nicer packaging.
Ataru. Her relationship with him was complicated to say the least... No, wait. That's wrong. It was a simple relationship actually. He'd hit on everything that looked nice in a skirt, she'd slap the taste out of his mouth and then - for some reason - give him another chance.
"I'm over him. I'm over him."
That felt easy to say, but then she'd look at a photograph and blush. It didn't make sense. He'd be better off with Lum. Better that alien weirdo than a nice ordinary girl like Shinobu. Right?
"I'm over him. I'm over him."
Better for her to go along with someone else. Even if that someone else was just Ataru in nicer packaging. That didn't mean anything, she was just... trading up. That's all!
"I'm over him. I'm over him."
So let's see what it was like dating Shutaro Mendo instead. Surely that had to be a better relationship. Right?
Right.
Plus there was still Inaba! Who she knew was a nice, sweet not perverted boy. (Despite the rabbit suit). This was just to prove to herself that she was over Ataru!
Right!
“Err, Shinobu?” Mendo said, “Are we going on a date or not?”
Shinobu realized she had been internally (and externally) monologuing after he asked her out for some time now.
"Okay, sure," she said. Why not? It wasn't as if anything weird would happen if a perfectly ordinary girl like her went on a date with an ordinary human boy. Right? He wasn't as unlucky as Ataru, so everything should be fine! And it would prove once and for all that she. Was. Over. Him.
- She's not over him. As Shutaro can't stop hitting on girls. The other two don't need to do anything.
- Ataru and Ryoko work together to ruin the date.
- Ataru takes the chance to work some magic on Ryoko
- Ryoko discovers the level upper. Disaster looms.
- Something else
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