At times it felt like this world was deliberately trying to humiliate Kazuma at every turn. Like every action, every impulse, every everything was intended solely to fuck with his head. He was given a party which had two of the best classes available in it - and both of them were idiots in very specific ways.
Well, Kazuma didn't know about the infection yet so he could be forgiven for thinking this for now.
The point of the matter was, he'd been aiming to get sloshed. He'd been acting like he'd been getting sloshed. But it transpires that it had been naught but a placebo, for he was as sober as Aqua was stupid. This is how you know he was in a dark place: Comparing any aspect of his own mental wellbeing to any aspect of Aqua's could only be taken as a very bad sign.
Speaking of bad signs, a busty blonde babe in body armour was standing in front of him. She was exactly the type of woman that would make him interested. Pretty face, strong looking body and wearing mostly proper armour. The kind of woman that he would have wanted to see in his party. Someone like that walking up to him.. It immediately made him suspicious.
"Are you Kazuma?" she asked. He did the sensible thing and shook his head.
"Hey Kazuma! I wanted to thank you for that advice. I had no idea that this shop sells food so cheaply, you saved this week's budget. Thanks!” Right that was Dust, one of his... Not friends, more like co-workers. The sort he really didn't want to have anything to do with. It was weird, there was an aura around that guy, one that immediately made everyone dislike the idea of being friends with him.
"So you are Kazuma," the woman said. She leaned down, which made her breasts wobble in a way that was incongruent with how they should actually be moving, but he wasn't going to complain about such matters. "In that case, there's no escape... You will allow me to join your party!"
"Eh?" Kazuma asked. Well, that wasn't exactly what he was expecting. "Come again?"
"I've heard so much about your exploits already!" the woman continued. "The feats you have accomplished, the dangers you have braved!" She made a sound that Kazuma had never ever heard outside of a particularly raunchy hentai.
“We only fought the giant toads outside, we even ended up eaten by them and covered in slime.” Normally he would have loved the idea of someone like that joining him. But he felt suspicious, and more than that, he disliked the idea of bringing a genuinely pure and just person into the mess that his life had become. “We died nearly, my teammates still had to clean some of that stuff out of their hair hours after we won.”
"Nnng! Yes!" the woman went on. Her breathing had taken a funny turn. "It's clear that you are in desperate need of my assistance. So... Desperate and needy. I am a Crusader, a protector of the weak. I shall be your vanguard, guarding the frail magicians and marksmen. Just leave all the monsters to me, and attack to your heart’s content.” The grin that had appeared on the blonde’s face was.. worrying in a way that Kazuma couldn’t place.
"Ehhh, I'm not sure this is a great idea right now..."
Cue another cute girl suddenly appearing right in front of him. "But Darkness is perfect for your party! She is just a bit too enthusiastic about protecting people." the girl said. "Ah... I'm Chris, by the way. I don't think we've met?"
"No, that's right we've not met before," Kazuma said. "So, if I were to summarise what is happening here... One cute girl I don't know is trying to persuade me to let another cute woman join my party. Out of the goodness of her heart. Is that about right?"
“C-cute, are you trying to flatter me so I will take on heavier burdens once I join your party? T-there is no need for that sort of thing!” The blonde knight called out, her face flushed for some reason. Huh, perhaps she had caught a cold. Was this the right season for sicknesses to spread around in this world?
"Your party needs her," Chris insisted. Not exactly doing her cause any favours here. "You have two spellcasters and a generic class... You need a physical tank if you're going to survive."
"Well, that's true..." Kazuma admitted, thinking back to the times that Megumin and Aqua were uselessly running from the frogs since they couldn't prepare an attack.. Okay only Megumin. Aqua had seemingly absolutely no offensive capabilities. And was generally useless due to her intelligence anyway in spite of being a Goddess. "But still, we're not hiring right now. It wouldn't be right until I, uh, checked with the rest of the party."
"Well, bring them all in! We'll have an interview today!" Chris insisted.
"We can't," Kazuma said. "Since Aqua's not well, we can't exactly have the whole party here."
It was weird, but all the colour drained from Chris's face just then. "Aqua's not well...?" she repeated. Then stood up and rushed out of the inn. "I'll be back soon! Convince him on your own, bye!"
Huh... That was weird. But now he was alone in the tavern... Well, not exactly alone there were other patrons. The point was that now there was a woman way out of his league sitting at the table and giving him puppy dog eyes, even going so far as to bat her eyelashes at him.
Suspicious! Really suspicious! Super suspicious! Could not possibly be more suspicious!
Sure, maybe his life was finally turning around. But he had already dealt with too much nonsense to simply believe that!
<hr>
The sound of heavy retching woke Aqua up. Again. For the umpteenth time. The beautiful, perfect Goddess of Water sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, a scowl on her normally benevolent face as she made ready to bring some old school wrath down upon the cause of her awakening.
"For a thousand years I have slumbered!" Aqua growled, steadily rising to her feet. "Whoever dares to awaken me, shall surely meet thy- Hey, I'm feeling better now!"
"Good for - Blleeeeeeegh!" Megumin retched, heaving into a bucket while some other red eyed girl rubbed her back.
"Hi, I'm Yunyun!" the girl said, giving a little skip that made it quite obvious that there was a boob window in her top. As if it wasn't obvious enough already. "Megumin and I were arch-rivals back from our days training in the academy. I was hoping to meet her here today, but she doesn't seem to be around."
To which Megumin responded by flipping her off behind her back and continuing to hurl into the bucket. Huh. Weird. Had Megumin's hair always been that gorgeous shade of light blue? Aqua flicked her hands through her hair. Come to think, Yunyun's hair had blue streaks through it as well.
"There there, strange big breasted blue haired girl who otherwise looks exactly like Megumin," Yunyun said, rubbing Megumin's shoulders. "Um, excuse me! If you're feeling better do you think you can bring us some fresh water? This strangely familiar looking girl is obviously very sick, and I am concerned she will become dehydrated."
"Oh! Hohohoho!" Aqua laughed, a haughty laugh befitting a glorious Goddess being prayed to by a lowly mortal. "You do realise you are speaking to a tremendously talented arch-priest, yes? Something like a little sickness is nothing to me!"
"Oh, of course!" Yunyun gasped. "That must be why you were able to overcome it so quickly! You cast a spell on yourself while I wasn't looking to get rid of the sickness! How very clever."
... Aqua stared very, very hard at Yunyun. Was she being sincere or sarcastic? Because Aqua had genuinely not thought of that and was feeling very silly right now. How many hours had that been? How many stupid hours had she been sitting there toiling away, feeling like the clammy hands of death were wrapped around her throat? When she could have been rid of it in seconds!
“Hahahaha..” Aqua laughed to distract from her inner thoughts. Though the laughter sounded far too mirthless to fool anyone.
“Well well, let us ignore the minor problems. First I need to help my dear comrade here. A great and magnanimous person like me wouldn’t want to make her suffer needlessly after all.” As she said that, Aqua lifted one hand and mentally went through her spell repertoire. There was a spell for sicknesses, right? She was pretty sure, even if it had probably been invented for magical plagues of all sorts.
Yes dear ladies and gentlemen, even Aqua had the occasional moment of intelligence. And while she tended to be lazy, you do learn a lot of random trivia being a ancient goddess.
"Um... Antidote!" Aqua yelled. A bright light shone out of her hands. Yunyun applauded. Megumin stood up, looking considerably less green than she had a moment ago... and also a bit bustier than Aqua remembered her being before. Huh.
"Ergh.. ehh? I feel better?” Megumin wiped at her mouth. "By which I mean, this glorious body has been purged of evil and I have regained my true power! As expected of the great Megumin’s comrade, a flawless job well done!”
Then she turned towards Yunyun and drenched her from head to toe in rainbow coloured vomit.
"My work here is done, I have somewhere else to be," Aqua hurriedly said. "Tralalala!" She nervously sang, skipping and frolicking out of the barn. Little realising that, just because she wasn't feeling sick, that didn't mean that she wasn't still contagious...
- Yunyun starts showing some Aqua-esque behaviour while tending to Megumin.
- Chris arrives at the barn. Winds up infected as well.
- Aqua sets about accidentally spreading her plague far and wide.
- Kazuma and Darkness: The job interview.
- Something else
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