"So? So? When do we go?"
Have you ever seen a <s>horny</s> stressed priestess storming out of their house while a buxom devil pesters them for attention? It's a pretty sight, even if the scowl set upon the priestess's brow was not their best look.
"We are not going anywhere," Sakura insisted, gently - then after Chocolate tried leaning in for a kiss very much not gently - shoving the pest back inside. "You are staying here while I deal with this ghost."
"Handsome ghost!" Chocolate called from within. "Awww, Sakura! You don't want me falling head over heels for the handsome ghost! That's sooooo cute!"
Ever see a whole human body undergo a nervous twitch? All of it at once? Neither had Chocolate. She was too busy trying to get a paint can off of her head. A paint can that Sakura had hurled at her with a precision and speed that would make baseball stars nervous about their careers.
"The last thing I need is you embarrassing me in front of a paying client!" Sakura yelled. "Stay there, and stay out of mischief!"
"Can do!" Chocolate replied, tapping the can on the side of her head.
Ugh! This whole situation was a complete mess! If Sakura had known that being rid of all those sickness demons would result in this... actually, it was still a better trade-off but never mind that. Couldn't she get through this without some stupid sexy something or other getting in her way? That would be nice!
Meanwhile Chocolate had manifested a wardrobe from hell inside Sakura's bedroom, and was sorting through the lingerie. "Which one will troll her best..." the lesbian demon wondered. "Should I go for the western devil look, or keep it Japanese?"
"I really should have been more explicit in my instructions," Sakura said to herself. A really bad feeling had crept over her all of a sudden. She looked around. No sign of Chocolate anywhere, and that demon was a little too noisy to go for the stealth option. It seemed to revel in attention. So what could be causing her to feel this strange, twisted feeling of danger approaching?
"Oh, hello there again Miss Sakura! Teehee!"
Whatever that danger was, it was probably somewhere off behind that cute pink haired girl skipping towards her. Maybe that strange girl with wings in her hair who was wearing barely anything at all over that sexy, sexy body... Oof, that body could go for miles before giving up - Sakura shook her head. Stupid sexy demon putting stupid sexy thoughts in her stupid sexy head!
“Hey there Miss.” Her twin sister said. Not that you could easily tell she was a sister. Even though she was wearing a skirt, there was something so fundamentally manly about her that your eyes glossed over it, and told you this was a boy.
“Hmm she appears to be a member of the local clergy, maybe she can help…” The weird winged girl said quietly enough that Sakura was pretty sure that it wasn’t meant to be heard. "What would be the best way to approach her for help? I don't want to seem as though I'm coming off too strong..."
Next to her, Ryuunosuke was furiously taking notes.
"What's she doing?" Sakura asked, a hint of exhaustion creeping into her voice. And to think, she thought she’d never sound like this again after getting healed.
"Taking notes," Ran happily nodded. "She thinks that Kurama is the ideal example of femininity to learn from." Huh. Funny. For a second there Sakura almost thought she saw the words 'and not her cute twin sister' manifest in the air, with a terrible flare up as though a gateway to the seventh level of hell had opened in mid-air with exactly the shape of those words.
"Ohh... You're so feminine Miss Kurama!" Ryuunosuke cooed, starstruck and on the verge of hero worship.
"Yes, yes. Soak it up," Kurama said, cooly inspecting her fingernails. "I do understand how it is for common folk to be in the presence of royalty."
"Yep! That's exactly right!" Ran said. Gosh, was that a manic laugh? Where was it coming from? "Tralala! Li'l Ran isn't nearly <b>cute enough or feminine enough to be a role model for her own twin sister!</b> So it's good that she's relying on some crow woman who complains about perverts while refusing to cover up!"
“This is the fashion of the galaxy.” Kurama said with a snort.
Off in the distance, Chocolate called out "That's the fashion of my bedroom floor!" without the faintest idea why.
In any event, Sakura had a pretty solid understanding of the situation now. Yep. It made perfect sense why Ryuunosuke wouldn't want to take womanly cues from Ran. Sure, she was nice when she was calm... but were those <i>fangs</i> just now when she got upset? That didn't seem especially feminine!
Not that she knew what femininity was all about anyway. Sakura had spent her entire life looking out at the world, wanting to run and play and do all the other things that other people did... And now she could, she didn't actually know where to start.
...
The handsome ghost! Yes! That seemed like a good place to start. Her freaking job!
"It was nice to meet you all," Sakura said, pulling out some incense and rosary beads from... somewhere or other. "But I have business to attend to. I have a ghost to exorcise."
"A ghost?" Ran asked. She laughed uproariously. "Oh, don't tell me! Some poor little old lady saw some swamp gas and needs to be told that it's alright."
"Yes, you humans even call my people Tengu demons or some such foolishness," Kurama continued. "We are not ghosts or demons, we are aliens."
"Wow! I see!" Ryuunosuke nodded. "So women get really competitive when they meet a woman as pretty as them, and start to mock her profession as a way to make themselves feel better!" She tapped the notebook, “Wait, my job sucks ass! How am I going to mock anybody else’s!?”
"Well that's easy enough my cute little sister!" Ran wandered over to pinch Ryuunosuke's cheeks. "We can always head along to watch Sakura quote unquote exorcise the demon."
“Ghost. Not demon. She’s still at my house, unfortunately.” Sakura said. "And besides which! Exorcising is not a spectator sport. You absolutely cannot come, I forbid it! For the sake of my client's privacy and the dignity of the spirit I shall be exorcising not a one of you is coming along with me!"
<hr>
There were rather more of them than she was expecting, gathered around at her front door. A beleaguered but pretty priestess, a pink haired girl who was smiling slightly too much, a cute boy in a dress who was taking lots of notes and... a slutty Tengu.
Honestly, she hadn't seen this many pretty people in one place since that photoshoot last year at the beach.
"Hi there!" said the pink haired girl. "We're here to see the 'ghost'."
Did she... unironically use air quotes just now?
"Hrm... maybe she's the wrong person to ask for advice after all?" the slutty Tengu said a little louder than they probably meant to. "If she can barely control these twins, then what hope does she have of helping me?"
"I'm Sakura. This is Ran, Ryuunosuke and Kurama. So. Which way is the ghost?" the priestess asked into her palm. "We might as well get this over with."
Cue the sort of sounds one might normally associate with a garbage disposal. Perfect timing.
"Never mind, I think I get it," Sakura said, rolling up her sleeves and storming into the building. Ran skipped after her, then Kurama slunk in deep in thought while Ryuunosuke trailed in dead last, still taking notes and... trying to mimic the way that Kurama was walking. "Sounds like a gluttony ghost. All I have to do is eat him under the table... Lightweights like this are no challenge at all."
"What a strange group... Ah! I should warn you now! This ghost is extremely handsome! Dangerously so!"
"Of course he is," Kurama rolled her eyes, then went back to thinking.
"Believe me, li'l Ran's standards are a bit higher than most," Ran tittered rather manically. "Oooga booga!"
"I'm used to sceptics," Sakura said. "But I'm not used to them being so annoyingly immature. Take that sheet off your head! And you! Stop taking notes about these weirdos, you'll become one yourself if you're not careful!"
Sakura grabbed for the sheet Ran had put over her head, and the two of them wound up tumbling back right into the client's kitchen, landing in a tangled heap right at the feet of the ghost that was intruding. And do you know, both of them had to agree with the client's description: This was indeed an incredibly, dangerously handsome ghost. He was at this moment shovelling food from the fridge directly into his endless appetite, taking big and fast bites out of everything edible in sight. One would not think he would be able to maintain such a figure, that he should at least have a potbelly protruding through that form fitting tiger print suit.
But if one was to think that, then one had not seen his alternative form.
"Rei!" Ran squeed, jumping up to hug the handsomest boy in the multiverse as he made a doomed effort to fill his stomach. Seriously, black holes were easier to satisfy than Rei's appetite. "Eeeh, I am soooo thrilled to see you on Earth! Yay"
All of a sudden Chocolate's words came back to Sakura with a vengeance. She'd been warned that she'd see sex everywhere. And all of a sudden she could. She could see herself and this Rei having sex over on that counter, on top of the fridge, up against the stove, hanging from the light, on top of that table, in that chair, under the table...
Right. She needed to deal with this ghost. “So this is the ghost?” She asked the client. Sakura didn’t even notice her hands adjusting her clothing to try and show more skin and emphasize her (“Amazing,” added Chocolate) chest.
“Yup.” The client said, “He’s so, so hot. Can you make him tangible for me so I can have sex with him?”
“I’m afraid binding spirits doesn't work like that.” Sakura said. Dammit, was that why she'd been called out here? She tilted her head. Actually that seemed like a perfectly reasonable request. "Besides which, I'm pretty sure he is tang-"
Before she could get any further a most peculiar thing happened. You see, Ryuunosuke - being a the same species as Ran - had an abundance of energy about her. Where Ran could suck in the energy of others, Ryuunosuke's energy effect was quite different. Profoundly, amazingly different. Even Sakura had fallen under its influence earlier on, to an extent.
You see, due to her unusual upbringing Ryuunosuke gave off the unmistakable impression that she was a boy. No matter what she was doing, no matter how she was dressed. Your first impression would be 'boy', and it would take some doing before you officially recognised her as a 'girl.'
But the thing is, she was a girl. She really and truly was a girl who wanted to behave in a girly way. As such, certain things could trip her switch - though it was not an easy one to trip. It turned out that one of the things capable of doing it was encountering a boy that she wanted to sex up, which was a pretty rare thing as her standards were remarkably, impossibly high.
Rei smashed through those high standards like a bulldozer. Well, on looks he did at least. As such, to the unwary it would seem as though a really cute girl in a flowery blouse and a red miniskirt had somehow appeared right where there was this handsome boy before, and that girl then skipped and frolicked across the kitchen leaving the sweet scent of a bouquet of flowers in her wake.
"Hi!" said the girliest voice you can possibly imagine." I'm Ryuunosuke! Teehee! It's nice to meet'cha!"
It was strange, but everyone in a half mile radius felt their flight or fight instincts kick in. Dogs started yapping at nothing, cats had their hair standing on end. Fish swam around in circles quickly in bowls and rodents buried themselves then slept until it was all over.
The cause was an unparalleled killing intent in the history of this world. Even Sakura, who had once won an eating contest with Satan without batting an eye, was left paralysed with absolute terror. The expression on Ran's face could only be described as angelic, but the emotional aura she was giving off was beyond malevolent, beyond wicked, beyond any sense of good or evil within this universe.
"͔͔̖̤̲̙̌̈́ͦͩ͑W͆̓͛́h̸̄a̞͕͍̜̳ͮ̌̑̉̽t̘̼̜̖ͤ̓ͥ̇̀.̸̺͎̦̲͖̙̫ͨ̿̈́ͤ ̠̬̥ͤ͐D̟͖̲͖͖̣̦͗͒̃o̱̤̙͒̆͑̈̊̏̍.̭̝̲̬̞̙̱ ̯͈̭͔͐̆̈̂ͨ̿̈͡Y̦͔͎̗̜̹͍̍̾̕o̴̙̩̣͖̠̎ͯͫ͊̔͒͊u̢͖͙͒ͨ̎͐̽.̷̻̰͍̠̪ ͐̏̋̌̎T̄ͬ̾͜h͎̹̼͖ͫͦͤͩ̆i̺͓̻͕͉̱̐̔̚͡ͅn̫͈͉̪͔͇̩̾͛ͦk̽ͣͦ̈́͆.͉̺̗̋͞ͅ ̟̤̱͓̖̍̍ͅY̙͍̗̫͉̓̇̔̐ͭͅo͎̬͇̠͊u̜ͣ̆͂̐́̃̐͠.̨̹͇̠͇̬̫́̈ͤ̂͂ ̋̇͑ͮ̾͛ͦA̾͘r̶̬͓͇͇̠̦͋ͪ͛̏̄ͅẹ͂.̽͌ͫ̉̂ͯ ͚̣̲͉̣͉͖̅ͩD̫̳͖͈̘͎̓̽̽̍͊̚ö͎i͙͛̋̾̽ͦ̈̄n̲̻͔̘ͣ̎̽̋̃g͊ͮ͂͊̀͡.̱̝͔̰ͨ̀ͅ ̱̙͛̂ͮ̌͊̒̆S̴̫͈ͥ̾͊́ͭ̀̚i̮ͭ̏̊̈́s̸ͦ̎͑ͥͩț̸͕̞̞e̛̝͕ͤ̅r̙͇ͬ̊̀.̖͕̀̄̊̓̉͗̕ ̳̱̪̓͘D̓ͥ҉̭̼̦͕e̸̖̩̲͎̣̝ͨ̔͂̋̑a̻̥̦͋̈̂͑̑̇̒r̅ḗ͈͓̪̜͍͕͋s͕̠̺̖͖̖̞ͪ͐̈́̽ͩ̚͜t̲͎̭͓̝̞͉ͭ͊̀?̨͇͔̜͙̲"̞̻͓̫̤͔̻ͧ͒̅͞ ̺͕̻͇͑͢ͅ Ran asked. Her voice echoing somehow.
“Oh Ran! He’s so handsome and dreamy!" Ryuunosuke batted her eyes at the handsome lunk. Who was using a ladle to eat ice cream. "I simply could not help myself! Teehee!"
"Help. YOurself. To. What?" Ran asked. Uh oh. There was fire in her eyes. Literally fire. If she blinked wrong it might make the room alight.
"Why... help him of course! The poor thing," Ryuunosuke cooed. And then it struck Sakura out of the blue. The girl had no idea she was flirting with him. None whatsoever... And that seemed to fit because he had no idea she was flirting with him either.
"Humanahumanahumana... " Kurama chanted like a mantra, standing in the doorway and staring in. Arms hanging by her side and eyes totally glazed over. “Yes he will be an acceptable mating partner.” Yeah. yeah, that girl needed to get laid...
"Stupid Chocolate putting that in my head..." Sakura grumbled. She clapped her hands. "Alright! You seem to know him, and he's not a ghost."
"Hah! Toldja there's no such thing!"
"So you should get him out of here!" Sakura continued, ignoring Ran's break from being pissed off at her sister to gloat. Probably the only thing that could have broken that spell, really.
“Wait if he’s not a ghost I can fuck him!” The client said, clapping her hands together happily.
<b>“N̨̠͎̝̐̀̃̔̀̾́͝O̭̮͔̟̩͙̞̩ͯ̽̉ͥͦ̾̚.”</b> Ran said. Her eyes actually glowing,
"Yes!" the client cried out in joy, rushing across the kitchen and diving through the air. Through Rei as well. Through the counter, and then she was gone for about ten seconds before popping back up.
Everybody stared at her.
“How did she just pass through him!?” Kurama shouted.
Sakura walked over to the client, and poked at her nose. Her finger passed through. “Ma’am. I think you’re actually the ghost, and the reason you can’t have sex with him is because he’s alive and you’re not.”
The client’s eyes widened as she realized the truth. "Oh," she said. "That's right. I died last week without losing my virginity. Then seeing this handsome young man come in my house made me all restless and horny."
In other words: It all came back to sex. Sex, sex and more sex. It was a good thing Sakura wasn't holding anything right about then or it might have broken in her grip. Then again... giving Rei another once over she could definitely see why he was having that kind of effect. Though he hadn't said anything yet, that boy was a walking wall of <i>oh yes very much please</i>. Those features... that fit body... It was a bit superficial of her, but maybe just this once wouldn't be so -
"Lum!" the boy suddenly said.
Then some bastard of an ugly tiger striped bull switched places with him magically. And charged out of the house. With Ryuunosuke on its back. Wait... Wait a minute what. What the fuck.
"Sister! Don't you go stealing my man!" Ran warned, rushing off after the bull-tiger thing at an impressive pace.
"Grk!" Kurama grunted. "That... he turned into a bull!"
"Oh, so that wasn't only my imagination?" Sakura asked. In that moment the two of them learned something important about Rei. He wasn't a walking wall of <i>oh yes very much please</i>. He was a walking wall of female disappointment.
- Ten harasses Ataru.
- Ten and Ataru... actually get on really well, in a subversion of expectations.
- Rei hunts down Lum! He has her scent, how will Ataru take meeting her ex?
- Kurama asks Sakura for help.
- Ran is somehow able to keep Rei away from Lum. Now for her twin!
- Something else
No comments:
Post a Comment