Nothing quite like returning home after a day of hard work so you can set about your real passion: Cooking up okonomiyaki and cooking up revenge. Ukyo was starting to get a really good feel for the state of Ranma's life about now. Got a rival sitting comfortably in his bag. An idiot, but potentially useful.
"Bwee!" the idiot poked his snout out. Ukyo quickly shoved him back in. The last thing he wanted was anybody seeing him bring a live pig into a restaurant. That's how all kinds of crazy rumours get started, and then that's your business ruined forever.
Guh! Why was it that he kept on running into cute but stupid types? Ranma, this Ryoga guy, that Kuno idiot was kind of handsome when he was in the right light... Akane was also kind of cute. As in, really cute. Phew, but he could easily see why some of the boys were eager for a chance to - Guh! Cute or not, that kind of thinking was weird! The point was, she was a bit of a hothead and she was pretty.
By contrast, Nabiki wasn’t quite cute, or stupid. She was… something else. Kind of scary, kind of hot. Kind of wanted to spend a bit more time with her right about now. No! He'd put off revenge long enough as it was. He needed to put cute but stupid out of his head, get back home and -
And stare at a mailbox outside his front door very, very hard. One might think that it was a rearing hooded cobra rather than a receptacle for letters and packages. An impression not entirely ruined by the slow methodical manner in which Ukyo was reaching for his battle spatula.
Because when one thinks of 'cute but stupid' people in Ukyo Kuonji's life, one other name does come screaming to mind. Tsubasa Kurenai. One of the few people to learn about Ukyo’s secret pre-Jusenkyo. Fortunately he seemed interested in keeping the secret, unfortunately he swiftly fell wildly in love with Ukyo. The guy had always been a bit of fashion obsessed but once he fell for Ukyo he became a full-blown crossdresser. He was also very good at disguises, and he could make disguises so realistic that Ukyo’s own father had used his trash can disguise for a week before being discovered.
"Funny," Ukyo said to the mailbox. "This wasn't here when I left this morning. Golly gee! That's not suspicious. Not at all!"
Behind Ukyo, several onlookers were muttering to themselves under their breath about how that new handsome chef had apparently gone off his rocker, as he was standing in front of a mailbox as though he wanted to bash it in. For no apparent reason. What was it Ukyo had been thinking earlier about bringing a pig into a restaurant?
Well, no matter! They'd see. They'd all see! As soon as Ukyo prised open this mailbox and dragged that crossdressing stalker out, they'd all see with their own eyes! He wasn't crazy! This wasn't paranoia! This was the very essence of sanity!
"Hello Mister Kuonji! I see you're sizing up the new mailbox," the postman said. He stepped around Ukyo, put a key into the mailbox and pulled out a bag full of letters. "Pardon me sir."
"Bwee!" P-chan protested, struggling to get out of the bag.
"Huh? Did you say something Mister Kuonji?" the postman asked.
"I said... Uh... Sweeeet! I don't have to go so far to send mail anymore!"
Now the onlookers were whispering even more intensely. Had they doubled in number after that excuse?! Guh! Ukyo quickly opened up and slipped inside, breathing a heavy sigh of relief and sinking against the door.
"Alright, maybe I am a little paranoid," Ukyo grumbled. P-Chan popped out of the bag. Hmph! Stupid thing, why did this pig have to be so cute? Ukyo couldn't help but pet it. "Look, you stay down here, I gotta get changed out of these clothes."
The pig nodded, struggled out of the bag and sat on the floor. He'd change Ryoga back in a little bit, then they could discuss strategy where they wouldn't be overheard. School was a bit too dangerous for that. Anyone might hear them. Okay, definitely getting a bit paranoid.
Up in his room Ukyo started to strip down. It felt weird. His hands went automatically to his chest to undo bindings and found none. Just a chest. A bare man's chest. Was this something he'd ever get used to? Did he wanna get used to it?
"Achoo!" went the Christmas tree in the corner of the room.
"Bless you," Ukyo said, reaching for her trousers. Then stopping right as he was about to bend over to pull his trousers down. Wait a minute. Something wasn't right here. Ukyo was <i>positive</i> that he'd put the sneezing Christmas tree into storage only yesterday!
"Tsubasa!" Ukyo yelled, grabbing at his battle spatula and rushing the offending tree. He pulled the branches aside with one hand and weapon over head in the other. That stalker was gonna get it now, just you -
This was not Tsubasa. That fact surprised Ukyo more than anything, really. He had been expecting to find a boy that liked dressing up lurking within the tree, but instead... A girl dressed up like a ninja. As in, unmistakably a girl. In full kunoichi regalia. Long black hair tied up, and dark red lipstick. She was a very classical beauty compared to Nabiki’s more modern looks. Her eyes were wide, and Ukyo didn’t quite notice the way her eyes flickered over his bare chest,
Ukyo's eyes blurred over for a moment and there was a stirring in his trousers. Cute. Really, really cute.
"Ah!" the kunoichi gasped. "Please excuse my trespass."
Cue the smoke cloud, cue the kunoichi vanishing. Even the tree was gone. All trace of the kunoichi, vanished without a trace.
"I'm spending too much time as a boy." Ukyo fidgeted. "Hallucinating sexy girls like that, it just ain't right."
<hr>
“Oh my gosh Tsubasa he’s even handsomer than you said he’d be!” One could see the hearts in Konatsu’s eyes and the stars in the background. “If he’s so exciting as man how is he has a woman!?”
The answer to that question was 'perfection', but Tsubasa wasn't exactly in the mood to answer her partner in crime's questions right now. She was staring daggers at the naive kunoichi, who had her hands clasped together and hearts in her eyes. As in, actual throbbing beating hearts seemed to have outright replaced her eyeballs. It was kinda gross, and yet somehow perfectly indicative of this idiot's kind of thinking.
Therefore Tsubasa could do nothing less than lean in, look her new rival up and down and say "You're so uncute." The hearts broke apart and Konatsu's shoulders slumped. Not enough. Not nearly enough! "Someone like you can only catch a lesser man... Lesser woman..." Tsubasa stoppped for a moment. Even she was a little confused by now. "Than Ukyo Kuonji's greatness! She is as a Goddess... God! And you are a lowly ant!"
“It’s true! It’s all true!” Konatsu said, pulling out a microphone and speaking into it. “I can’t compare to his radiance, not like your shining spirit. After all you’ve done Tsubasa surely you’re worthy of their heart!”
Well there we go then. Good to see she knew her place. "So, did you see anything of note?" Tsubasa asked. "Except for the abs of a living God, I mean." A sight that even Tsubasa had not yet beheld. How crushingly envious she felt!
"She apparently holds a great deal of animosity towards mailboxes," Konatsu began. "Also, she brought a pig into the restaurant. It appears to be some kind of pet."
A pet pig? That was new! That was very new! Aha... Interesting. Tsubasa's mind began working overtime. An interest in pigs? Yes, Ukyo might find that sort of pet a fun one to have. It fit. It was believable. In which caes their course of action was clear!
"We shall show our adoration of Ukyo Kuonji... Using these pig mascot costumes!" Tsubasa said, twirling around and suddenly holding up a pair. One brown, the other pink. "Any questions?"
"Where did you get those?" Konatsu asked. "You did not have them a second ago."
"A true master of disguise is always prepared! Now, strip down and put these on!"
"St-strip down?"
"Seriously, these things get super hot! You don't want any extra layers on or you might die."
Konatsu was naked within seconds after hearing this. She took that sort of statement quite literally. Tsubasa honestly couldn't believe it: The kunoichi gear was already folded out neatly in front of her within the blink of an eye. This girl was pretty scary - or she would be if she wasn't so naive.
Tsubasa felt a bit relieved her own new female figure was so curvy, otherwise she didn’t know if she’d be able to compare to the slender pale beauty of Konatsu’s feminine figure! She made a little prayer of thanks to whatever made Jusenkyo while pulling off her blouse and skirt to put own her own cute piggy costume.
Which was the very moment that Ukyo opened up the bathroom door and found the two of them there in a state of undress. Because of course these two chuckleheads decided to have their secret meeting in Ukyo's bathroom. Where else?
"Uh, hi?" Tsubasa offered. In response, Ukyo's head tilted down. He was pretty blatantly staring at her chest. So Tsubasa returned the favour and - Man, Konatsu wasn't kidding. That was one hell of a manly chest. Tsubasa regretted not having some oil to rub on it. Using her boobs.
“OK now I’m having sex daydreams about Tsubasa too!? This curse is fucking with my brain way too much.” Ukyo loudly complained. “Though damn, good job imagination he looks pretty hot as a half naked girl.” With those words Ukyo shut the door.
Both Konatsu and Tsubasa stared at the door for a moment. "He thinks I'm hot!" Tsubasa suddenly yelled, fist pumping the air triumphantly. "Score! Hahaha! It's only a matter of time before he rocks my world!"
“And I’ll be there with the camera to preserve it in history forever like you planned!” Konatsu said, still naked and holding up a large film camera. Where did she keep that…?
"Hmph! You say that as though you'll be permitted entry!" Tsubasa sniffed, resuming putting on her costume. "Ah! Now, this won't be enough by itself. We'll need to get into character as well...."
Thirty seconds after Tsubasa said that, the door swung open again, with Ukyo fully dressed and brandishing approximately one hundred sharp looking spatulas. His hair was standing on end, his eyes frenzied and bloodshot. He was as the very beast from hell itself.
<b>"Tsubasaaaaaaaa!"</b> Ukyo yelled. <b>"You followed me to fucking Jusenkyo, you goddamned perverted crossdressing stalker! I'll carve your hide up for -"</b>
"Oink!" Tsubasa seductively oinked, now fully wearing the costume and crawling around on the floor.
"Oink!" Konatsu agreed, doing much the same.
Ukyo stayed perfectly still for about a minute, watching the two of them crawl around on his bathroom floor, oinking and... not really acting like pigs, but rather a little kid's idea of what a pig behaves like when their only experience of them is from books. Then, slowly but firmly, Ukyo closed the door.
"Huh? That's not quite what I was expecting..." Tsubasa said.
"Perhaps she needs some time to appreciate our seduction attempt?" Konatsu suggested.
"I don't know," Tsubasa said. "Although... phew, this costume sure is hot!"
<hr>
Picture of Ukyo Kuonji, in a state of panic. Leaning against the outside of his bathroom, wide eyed and breathing heavily. A little black pig is staring up at him, bweeing in confusion.
"I think I'm losing it," Ukyo said. He looked down. Fully erect. P-chan made a point of not looking at it. "Is this... blue balls?" he asked. P-chan left the room... or at least tried to. His bad sense of direction led him right back where he started. "I heard the boys at school complain about it sometimes, when out with their girlfriends. I thought they were being dumb, but... If vivid hallucinations of sexy girl versions of the boy you hate and a random kunoichi babe, crawling around all sexy like in your bathroom while wearing pig mascots is a symptom of blue balls, <i>I'd sure as hell do everything I could to avoid it too!</i>"
... Alright then. Now the little pig was the confused one. Well, no. Not nearly as confused as Ukyo seemed to be. Ukyo stepped away from the door and began pacing around the room mumbling to himself about 'stupid sexy Tsubasa', and - Okay, what the hell did he see in there? The door was open a crack now. Time to explore.
"Gah! This costume is too hoooooot!" a girl's voice yelled, and if anything could get Ryoga Hibiki moving quickly it is the sound of a girl in distress. Alas, this one time his direction sense led him the right way, and soon enough he found himself looking up at a busty girl in nothing but pink lacy lingerie wearing a pig mask backwards.
"Please allow me to assist!" said a slender looking, also underdressed girl. This one straight up naked. She leaped up and began to tug at the head, and all of a sudden this seemed like a place Ryoga probably ought not to be. "Hold still! I shall pull this off!"
"Bweee!" Ryoga protested. Who the heck were these girls, anyhow? Could they be... enemies attempting to attack his new potential ally? That didn't sit too well with him! Girls or not - naked or not! An attack in a person's home like this was... Actually, sort of the thing he'd do with Ranma given half the chance.
But still! He could hardly let this go unpunished! Without putting any further thought into it, Ryoga decided to help the only way he could: By using his head! Namely, by ramming it right into the guts of that bustier girl with the mask on backwards.
"Yipe!" the girl cried, toppling backwards. "Aha! The mask came off!"
Indeed it had. Alas, it was at this moment that Ukyo had regained his composure and re-entered the room, for the more slender girl toppled backwards and landed in Ukyo's lap, pig mask clattering off to the side.
This confirmed that this beautiful girl was real. Especially since Ukyo’s hand had ended up by sheer luck gripping one of her small breasts. And her naked rear grinded against Ukyo’s lap. This naturally lead to the reaction any male attracted to women would have. And of course the girl clearly felt it.
<i>“Oh… my!”</i> The ninja girl said, her pale face reddening before her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she fainted against Ukyo. Leaving him holding a naked girl. With another almost naked girl in the room with him. And the only “chaperone” being a tiny pig.
<hr>
A martial artist's danger instinct is a powerful thing. In the case of both Ranma and Akane, it was enough to make them nearly jump out of their skin when they sensed a sudden burst of massive killing intent from Nabiki, as she suddenly crushed the can of juice she had been holding?
"What was that about?" Akane asked.
"Dunno," Nabiki seethed, staring off at some far off point in the distance with the kind of look reserved for someone who had insulted your mother right at a time you couldn't say or do anything back right away. "All of a sudden I felt really pissed off. No idea why!" A less than pleasant smile came to her face. “I feel like plotting non-specific revenge now, either of you want to help?”
Ranma and Akane looked at each other, both considering the sudden explosion of vindictiveness from Nabiki. “No thanks.” Akane said.
- Ukyo decides being a girl right now is probably a better idea.
- Ukyo remains as a boy, and gets annoyed at Tsubasa's highly effective flirting.
- Nabiki pays Ukyo a visit. Oh no!
- The next day at school Ukyo learns to their horror that Tsubasa (and Konatsu) have transferred to Furinkan High.
- Something else
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