Story: Chilly Harem

Dear diary.

An unusual turn of events took place today. Yes, yes. I know how cliche that sort of sentiment is, but today really did stand out as unusual. I also know that around Ataru Moroboshi the unusual is distressingly common. He is not only the light of my life, but apparently the light of some impish troublemaker Goddess. Misfortune loves him more than any obther, and so the unusual becomes almost mundane.

But still. Holy shit. This stood out even in spite of that.

It all began as I attempted to grapple with a plan. Yes, the harem plan. Normally I can develop long term schemes with the best of them, but not so much this time. There was an itch that I could not scratch and the more I thought on this matter the harder it was for me to ignore that itch.

So I did the only rational thing that could be done in such a situation: I paid a visit to Earth. Now, it's important to note that I was aiming for Ataru's bedroom with the intention of waiting for him while surrounded by his scent. Alas, my state of mind had led the co-ordinates for the space-time corridor into a rather different location than intended...

<Hr>

"Eek a boy!" a girl cried as Ryuunosuke stepped inside the girls locker room. Who could blame her? A chick this androgynous stepping in there wearing the boys uniform, of course that'd be her first instinct. "Oh, wait... It's Ryuunosuke. Sorry about that!"

"Eh, it's nothing," she shrugged, gritting her teeth. Not her fault. Not her fault at all! There was only one person who’s fault it was. Her stupid old man who kept denying reality!

She couldn't stand that kinda person. The sort that defied the reality before their very eyes. That's what they're there for, right? Seeing what's in front of you! If you go around saying that your senses are lying to you, then what good are they?

Incidentally, somewhere in France a certain long dead philosopher would have been rolling in his grave, but since he was no longer thinking he therefore no longer, ahem, am.

Well anyhow, it was time to get dressed for gym. Her favourite class. Sure, she couldn't wear any bloomers buuuut she had managed to buy some shorts that were just snug enough that they looked like bloomers while still technically being shorts for boys. Hehe! She was a genius! Grinning to herself, Ryuunosuke went to open up her locker -

And then found herself cold, so cold and there was white everywhere. Which is an extremely terrifying state of being to find oneself in no matter how tough one may be.

"Oh dear. Where have I wound up now?"

"Oyuki!"

The first voice was a stranger's voice. It was refined and calm, collected and regal sounding. The second was Lum, one of Ryuunosuke's weirder classmates. Not that Ryuunosuke was in much of a state of mind to do a little thing like evaluate the strangeness of a classmate, nor the general attitude and cadence of a stranger's voice. Not that one could blame her. The experience of being covered in twice her body weight of snow was exactly the kind of thing that really, honestly, ought to be drawing every last bit of her attention that she could bring to bear.

"Cold!" Ryuunosuke yelled, popping her head out of the snow - and winding up in a dark place. "Huh? Who turned out the lights?"

Stepping back for a moment, dear readers, so that we may all understand what has happened here. I know, I know. Some of you have already worked it out but for those who have not it must be made explicit. You see, in her haste to escape the icy hell that had randomly fallen upon her from within her own locker Ryuunosuke had not realised that the stranger's voice had come from directly above her. As such, she had popped her head up and wound up with it directly under that stranger's robes.

Incidentally about half of the girls were looking at that stranger with more than a hint of jealousy for getting to experience Ryuunosuke having her head underneath her clothes. Ryuunosuke makes straight girls a little bit gay. Quite by accident I assure you.

"Hi Oyuki! What are you doing here?" Lum asked.

"Oh, hello Lum. I was bored and decided to visit Earth," Oyuki said. "Although it is strange. For some reason I feel hot breath on my legs."

Oyuki looked down. Saw Ryuunosuke was underneath her robes. Then did the only sensible thing that any girl would do in her situation: She blasted the 'pervert' right out of the room.

"Oh no! A perverted boy has snuck into the girls locker room and peeked under my robes!" Oyuki yelled into a microphone.

"I'm not a pervert!" Ryuunosuke yelled back. "And I'm not a - Kkeeeeee!"

"Hi, hi, hi Ryuunosuke!" said the local perpetual menace to all beings who walked upright and had a pair of breasts as he made a very strong attempt to grab a quick squeeze of Ryuunosuke's chest. "Fancy meeting you here! Come here often?"

“Darling! Leave Ryuunosuke alone!” Lum flew over to the latest target of Ataru’s flirting/sexual harassment. "I wish you'd show me that much affection instead!"

"Nah," Ataru turned his nose up at the beautiful Oni girl who was, again, throwing herself at him. "Not interested.” He lied through his teeth.

“And yet you’re interested in this Ryuunosuke?” Oyuki stepped forward out of the snow.

"<i>This Ryuunosuke</i> ain't interested in him!" the girl yelled, punching Ataru in the face. This did not deter him. There probably wasn't a force on Earth that could. "Get lost, ya perv!"

"Ryu-chan! Don't be like that. You're so cute when you're upset."

“I ain’t… arggg I mean…!” Ryuunosuke stammered, seemingly not knowing what to do with the compliment.

Shinobu, having finished changing, groaned at this “Ataru don’t be like that! You know Ryuunosuke doesn’t like it. I’m sure that a gi-”

It was at this point that a trap door opened beneath Shinobu, sending her flying by the force of it being shoved open “That’s right! What kind of man wants to be called cute!” Enter Mr. Fujinami. Like a force of nature. Loud, destructive and quite often unwanted.

“Wait… why do you have a trap door in the girl’s locker room?” Lum said.

The girls in the locker room scowled at the man poking his head out from beneath the floor in the locker room. He was undisturbed by this and continued on as though his own sense of danger was completely shut off.

"Still I have to say that I am impressed with my son," Fujinami continued, nodding his head sagely. "Sneaking into the girl's locker room so boldly and sticking his head underneath that girl's robes... That takes a lot of courage! Even though it shows he has little common sense!"

"We'll show you a lack of common sense!" one girl yelled, and then they dogpiled him. And not, Ataru would internally note, in the fun way.

<hr>

I know right?! It seems impossible. Ataru Moroboshi... is also into boys! I would have never taken him for a bisexual sort, he always seemed to be interested exclusively in girls. Still, it is not hard to see why he may be taken with this Ryuunosuke Fujinami. He's very handsome. Seemed to have some impressive physical capabilities, and one can see how you might be drawn to his tragic tale of a terrible father.

It was rather impressive, Diary I asked about why they didn’t like Mr. Fujinami so much and I got an extensive list of all his negative qualities. He’s stupid, violent, abusive, doesn’t allow Ryuunosuke to express himself, steals any money his son makes, and is all around a nasty person.

As a direct consequence of having this lout for a father it's plain to see that Ryuunosuke has deep seated intimacy issues. That may explain why he casually walked into the girls locker room - he probably never even knew he was doing something wrong. Now I feel a little guilty over punishing him with that blast of cold wind.

Regardless, the past cannot be undone. What matters now is what I do with this information. No, it cannot be considered information quite yet. I must confirm it first. If I make any assumptions it could make things worse rather than better.

<hr>

Ataru was full of dread as he wandered off home with groceries in tow. Lum had promised him a 'special treat' when he got back. As such, he was taking his sweet time. He'd been hoping to do a bit of girl chasing en route, but alas they were all indoors today. Out of sight, out of reach.

Oyuki had showed up again earlier on. Heh. The one and only chick who seemed to be on board with his harem plan. Ah! But he'd love to put his head together with her again and... He slowed to a stop by a vending machine, then stared at it for a long while.

"You know, Oyuki's randomly been appearing in really weird places lately thanks to those space-time corridors," he said, tactically standing to the side of the vending machine. "It would be just my luck that she tries to appear riiiight as I'm walking past. Dumping another snowdrift on my lap instead of something hotter. Like her."

Ataru looked around. Nobody in sight. He took several deep breaths, then crept a foot out in front of the vending machine. Then jerked it back when he thought he heard something. No? Not yet? Alright then. He tried to tease it out again, slowly sticking his foot out until his tippy toes hit the ground right in front of it. Then he jumped back about a foot when a mouse rushed out from underneath the machine.

"Hehehe..." he cackled. "Alright then. You want me to think it's safe, don'tcha? I see your game!"

Rubbing his hands together, Ataru jumped a little in place and took off at as fast a pace as he could manage. He'd last run like this when he was trying to save the world from the Oni during the tag race. But this time there was an added wrinkle. This time, as he passed in front of the vending machine he leaped through the air, climbing atop the machine and rushing by on top of it to get by without passing the front of it.

"Ahahaha! Not this time! You've been outsmarted by Ataru Moroboshi!"

Unfortunately for Ataru, that sort of comment was like delivering a particularly stinging and personal 'your momma' joke directly to the fabric of creation itself. Therefore when he leaped from atop the vending machine back to terra firma, a postbox began to billow out cold air. He could see his fate before it came, but by now it was too late to stop it. He was at gravity's tender mercy, and all he could do was brace himself for the inevitable.

As such, his foot landed upon an iced over pavement. He slipped, landed on his jaw and wound up sliding into a tree face first. Then - for good measure - a whole bunch of snow got dumped on him.

"Hi Oyuki!" Ataru mumbled.

"Hello Ataru," Oyuki said, gently pulling him out of the snow. "We need to talk."

"Awww, talk?" Ataru whined. It was funny. You would think he hadn't gone through a slapstick routine that would have put most people in the hospital not a moment ago. "I can think of more fun things we can -"

"I shall not be wearing my robes while we talk."

Ding! He was liking this partnership already! Well, yukki-onna were supposed to be masters of luring men off to their icy lairs, so it made total sense that Ataru would skip and frolic after the pale beauty. Ahahaha! Maybe his luck really was turning for the better after all?

<hr>

Dear diary.

I am furious with Benten right now. For a Lucky God, she has a special knack for keeping people from getting lucky. There he was. Right there. Ataru was on my bed. Be-Boy was drugged to the gills. We were alone. We were supposed to be alone. And then Benten shows up nowhere with this new gizmo or gadget for her bike and things went pear shaped. Literally pear shaped!

Don't ask. All you need to know is that the gizmo didn't quite function as intended. The rest, I would prefer not to recall.

Still, the experience was not a total waste. I was able to confirm that Ataru very much desires to have Ryuunosuke in his harem. When I asked him, he said that he was in his top five picks. I declined to ask who the other four were though I do like to imagine that I am in there. I doubt he would be honest at placing Lum in the number one spot, for now at least.

This shifts my priorities a little bit. I now have an immediate goal for initiating this harem plan: Ryuunosuke Fujinami. While I had not expected a male participant in the harem, the yaoi doodles that I finished not ten minutes ago have compelled me to see this become a reality.

Though I now must ponder whether or not he would like other handsome men to join the harem too. A matter for another day. A day with less pear shapes in it.

On a related note Benten shall be staying as a guest for the next few days. It will take about that long for her to thaw out.

Signed, Oyuki

1. “When Benten thaws out she'll start asking about what happened. Oh dear I hope I can cover for this.”
2. “I encounter the Fujinami family on another visit to Earth. I need to see if Ryuunosuke is interested in other men like Ataru.”
3. “Oh no. Lum’s asking what I’m doing on earth so much now!”
4. “Ran’s gotten suspicious about my behavior recently. Oh dear how can I deal with her schemes while trying to advance my own?”
5. Something Else