The humans in this stadium numbered in the thousands. They stood in pitch black with bated breath. The air was thick with anticipation, goosebumps prickling along their skin.
Then a loud noise fills the air, accompanied by a pink spotlight shooting up across the sky. It hits again to a lower key, and this time a blue spotlight goes around in a different pattern. The crowd is tense, silently waiting for a trigger to be pulled.
Only at this moment does her voice echo out, a modern day siren pulling them under her spell. The crowd erupts into loud cheers, but thanks to her advanced tech they can all hear her with perfect clarity even through their noise.
<i>"When there's a Zero in your heart! Don't feel bad, you lost your chance! I'll take it from you~"</i>
Listen to them. Eating out of the palm of her hand. They love her. They adore her! Their cute pink haired idol singing bubblegum pop while wearing a cute pink dress.
<i>"I see you soar, I see you fly. You break his heart, you make him cry. 'Cause while you put on the sweetest face, we both know that you're. A. Devil!"</i>
<b>“A Devil!”</b> the crowd clapped along. Ah they loved this song! About her saving a poor boy from a mean girlfriend. They all imagined their shrews of mothers, siblings, ex’s, all thinking that Ran could come along and be the heroine their lonely hearts deserve!
Little guessing that the devil she was singing about was, of course, Lum. Oh, make no mistake that Lum knew about it. Rather the whole point of the endeavour. But since Ran had threatened to reveal what age it was when she finally stopped wetting the bed - well, even the ruler of a planet doesn't want that getting out.
Of course, the tabloids played up the idea that she had some kind of romantic attraction with this 'devil', but that's fans for you. They'll read into anything. Ran had seen the fanfiction people were posting around the galactic internet, she’d sometimes spend hours reading it to totally mock it.
<i>”...I’ll save that love for you!”</i> Ran finished the song, to the deafening cheers of the crowd. “Thank you! I’m so happy to see all of Ran’s fans -” who paid lots of money for tickets - “Are here to see me!”
“We love you Ran!” The crowd cheered. Hah! Nobody had said that to Lum in months!
She blew them a kiss. A young man in the front row fainted. Hah! This was why Ran always loved these public appearances. It was always so funny seeing these guys who <b>stood as much a chance with her as a snowball on venus</b> worshiping her like a 20th century Goddess!
Because the only true light in her life was Rei. Well... that and ruining Lum's day.
"So, does anyone have a request?" Ran winked at the crowd, which they could hopefully see thanks to the giant holographic projectors showing her in detail on the sides of the stage.
"Electric Heart Attack!" The crowd cheered, picking another popular hit of hers.
"Well, if you insist," Ran said, strutting around the stage like she owned it. And you know what? While she was on it, she kind of did.
<hr>
After the concert was over, Ran was backstage relaxing in a bubble bath. Now this may conjure up an image of a bath overflowing with bubbles. Ran reclining, naked but covered in suds. She sticks her leg in the air, lets water run off it, that kind of thing. But no. It was a bath shaped like a bubble, floating in the air. It was a sight that any of her fans would kill, probably literally, to see. But tragically for them the only individual allowed inside Ran’s changing room when Ran was relaxing was her agent. Mostly because they were programmed as an asexual robot.
"You. Were. Really. Cool. Out. There. Today. Miss. Ran." the “Lost in Space” looking robot in a business suit said.
"Cool? I'd rather be hot!" Ran yelled, tossing soap at the robot. "Sparkling hot! Burning like the sun!"
"Of. Course. Miss. Ran." the robot agent said, and if you listened closely enough you could hear a touch of strain in its mechanical tone. Like a man on the verge of cracking like an egg. It took out a handkerchief and rubbed down the top of its dome, similarly to how someone might wipe sweat off their forehead. "There. Is. Some. News. About. Lum."
A rubber duck bounced off the robot agent. "Don't say her name without warning!" Ran yelled. "So? What news is this? And give me back my rubber duckie! It's mine! Not for robots to play with."
The robot agent sighed, but immediately moved to pick up the duck and return it to Miss Ran. As soon as it was within range, she took the duck and kicked it away hard enough to crash into the corner of the room.
"Miss. Lum. Was. Challenged. To. A. Rematch. By. The. Human. She. Defeated. In. The. Tag. Race. She. Trounced. Him. Again."
"Pft, that'll give her a bit of an ego boost." Ran rolled her eyes. "Oh, look at me. I can fly and completely humiliated Earth's randomly picked champion two times in a row! Blegh!"
"As. A. Condition. Of. Victory. She. Is. Going. On. A. Date. With. This. Human."
The robot agent suddenly found a really, really long and stretchy towel wrapped around it. Then it made a little beepy noise that very nearly sounded like the sort of tone someone might use when saying "oh god no." At which time, the poor suffering robot was tugged right into a wrench that, for some reason, Ran had kept by her bubble bath.
"She's going on a date with that stupid human dork?!" Ran yelled in disbelief. "From what I heard, he was a perfectly average dork! Not handsome, barely even average looking, and she's going on a date with him... after beating him in a second tag race!"
Incidentally, each and every syllable in that outburst was accompanied by the clanging sound of a robot agent being hit with a wrench. Its... shoulders(?) sagged, in much the same way that a salary man's shoulder's might while thinking 'I had the potential to be a Doctor or a lawyer'.
“Perhaps. Miss. Ran. Lu-. The. Oni. Woman. Is. Lonely. After. Breaking. Up. With. Mr. Rei.”
The robot moved away from Ran a fraction of an inch, then moved another fraction when her hand reached out towards it. But no, no pain this time. Only a gentle pat.
"She's lonely after breaking up with Rei!" Ran said, eyes sparkling. "So lonely that she'll settle for an unattractive Earth man stupid enough to challenge her to a second tag race! Ohohoho! That gives li'l Ran a <b>wonderful</b> idea. If Lum has a new boyfriend... “Then I'll steal him too! Right under her nose! Then once her heart is broken I'll drain his energy all away, teehee! Isn't li'l Ran sooooo devious?"
"Or. You. Could. Live. Well. And. Date. Rei. Like. You. Always. Wanted."
The robot was now tossed across the room. Ah. Such a shame. One of hell's greatest punishments is a glimpse of heaven. There is no sorrow without hope.
"All I have to do is engineer a little old meeting between me and that boy," Ran said. "Shouldn't be too hard. If he's re-entered the public light, an idol like me should be able to arrange a meeting and arrange a smooching with no trouble at all!"
"As. An. Idol. Your. Moves. Are. Watched. Constantly. It. Would. Ruin. Your. Reputation. To. be. Seen. Kissing. A. Boy."
Ran lifted her foot - and stomped the ground indignantly. "That's a very good point! Stupid and sexist, but Lil’Ran can’t reform the Idol Industry in a day!" she yelled right at the robot. "Humph! Then I'll have to do something clever!"
The robot agent said nothing. It still found itself embedded in the ceiling a few seconds later. Apparently for 'insinuating that she was stupid or something'.
"I know!" Ran said, happily skipping around the room and laughing cutely/maniacally to herself. "I'll set up a six month anniversary for the first contact with extraterrestrial life! Teehee! It would only make sense to invite that boy along! It's the perfect excuse and nothing could possibly go wrong!"
"On. Earth. They. Have. Something. Called. Murphy's. Law." the robot began, only to get yanked out of the ceiling and remodeled into a self-slapstick inducing robot. It would automatically teleport a banana, coat it in a thin layer of oil, drop it in front of itself, roll forward and pitch over, correct itself and repeat the process.
This was Ran’s 20th Robot Agent, by the way. They all quit rather quickly. Not that she noticed.
<hr>
You've never seen a young man set about adjusting his collar and tie with such fearsome determination before. It was as if he was preparing to go out on some grand vendetta from which he might not return, though the impression was rather betrayed by the bouquet of flowers resting on the table under the mirror.
"I'll show her," Ataru Moroboshi griped. "I'll take her on a date so good, she'll give the planet back!"
Yep, the poor boy was reduced to this. Complete delusions over his dating power. Still, he was getting ready for it like a soldier heading off to war. He had his weapons. Some chocolate and some flowers... though he wasn't entirely sure about her anatomy, he was pretty certain she would at least appreciate the effort. He marched right on by his parents, who were watching television in the living room.
"Well, I'm off."
"Have fun dear," his father said.
"For pity's sake, try not to knock her up," his mother said. "Who knows what manner of abomination it might birth into this world."
“Can’t be worse than what we birthed.” His father added, not looking away from the TV.
"Now, dear. You know that where our Ataru is involved, the phrase 'can't be worse' is taken by the universe as a challenge to overcome."
No emotional support to be found here. What did he expect? His parents only reaction to him staying in his room for six months was to wonder if they should try for a daughter “to get it right this time!” Ataru straightened up his back, strode confidently towards the door, reached out for the handle and then -
"I've got them this time!"
Was bowled over by his ex(?)girlfriend. Who rushed right on into the house without even knocking, landing on top of him. Which was nice, but not right now.
"Knock knock?" Ryuunosuke rapped her knuckles on the doorframe. "Yeah, sorry about her. Soon as I told her, she rushed off here."
Ataru noted that she wasn't breaking a sweat. And he had a lot of skin to look at to check for this. Ryuunosuke was rocking that tiger print bikini most girls her age were wearing these days. It was hot, but at the same time Ataru was really worried he'd get too used to it.
"Hi Shinobu," he said, gently extracting himself from underneath her. "What's got you so excited?"
"Six month anniversary!" Shinobu excitedly explained(?) "Who holds a six month anniversary?! Surely it's a year, not a half year!"
Ataru stared at her for a long hard moment. Then Ryuunosuke sighed, sensing his utter confusion, and unfurled a poster for him to look at. On that poster was a really cute, doll-like pink haired babe wearing a really cute dress and holding out a microphone while hearts floated all around her. It was weird. He could <i>hear</i> that poster even though it wasn't making a sound.
“That Ran idol? What about her?”
"She's holding a six month celebration of the Oni arriving," Ryuunosuke shrugged. "Li'l miss tinfoil hat here thinks it's some kinda Oni plot to brainwash the population or something."
"That's not what I think!" Shinobu yelled. "I think... This is the work of rival alien agents seeking to use Ataru as a means to hurt the Oni. That's what this is."
"Uh huh... So you wanna help out these rival aliens?"
"No! They're aliens and they're plotting to use humans!" Shinobu nodded, as if that made perfect sense. "Therefore, their plot must be undone. For the good of humankind, we shall not be used as proxies in their intergalactic conflict."
“I dunno, ain’t this Ran chick a friend of Lum’s?” Ryuunosuke said. “Least accordin’ to the tabloid’s I’ve seen.” More than friends, according to some.
“Ran grew up on the Oni homeworld and they were playmates all throughout childhood. Plus they went to Elementary, Middle, and High School together.” Shinobu explained, “Which is exactly why I know Ran must be some alien double agent planted by Lum’s enemies.”
“Wow you know a lot about Ran.” Ataru said. "You almost sound like a fan or something."
"Me? A fan of an alien infiltrator into our pop culture?" Shinobu asked. Funny thing, she sure was squirming a lot just now. “Why would I ever buy all her songs and music videos and have an alien made player in my house to play them!?”
“We stood in line for a couple hours last month when her “Electric Heart Attack” album came out.” Ryuunosuke said, and Shinobu shrieked and hid her blushing face in her hands.
"I'm studying the alien's attempted infiltration of our pop culture so that I know what I'm fighting."
"Which is why we went to that karaoke place with the dancing game, and cranked out all her songs," Ryuunosuke nodded. Shinobu shrunk down even more. "Anyway, for some reason I got sent some tickets in the mail. Trick is, I gotta take a male friend and you're the only guy I -"
"Rejected!" Shinobu interrupted. "Not a chance! Trust me, you don't want to go on a date with Mister Grabby here! Not in a concert, and not dressed like that. Instead, you'll take me and dress up like a boy yourself!"
"Rejected!" Ryuunosuke crossed her arms. "I ain't dressing like no man, not ever again! Got it? You wanna go to this concert so bad, you be the dude!"
"F-Fine! But you should help me pick out the clothes to wear, I haven't the faintest idea."
"Yeah, yeah. But first we gotta work on that walk of yours. It's way too girly, you know?"
And off they went, having an argument about Shinobu cross-dressing and going to this concert and foiling evil alien plots, leaving Ataru standing there with a crushed bouquet of flowers staring out into the street as they left.
"You're not fooling anyone," his mother called out, having not taken her eyes off the screen. "You don't especially care about that confusing conversation much."
"That's right," his father added. "You're using it as an excuse to stare at their behinds."
“I can do two things at once!” Ataru shouted at his parents.
“And it only took sixteen years.” His mother said.
Ataru wished his parents would just have their daughter already so they could focus their ire on her already. As for him, he had a date... with destiny!
Also an annoying alien who did <i>not</i> have a cute smile that made him weak at the knees!
- Meanwhile, Lum is preparing for the date while Benten and Oyuki make snide comments.
- Ryuunosuke prepares Shinobu to pretend to be her date.
- Ran shows up ahead of time to see Lum, but since Lum is busy she ends up stuck with the Mendos.
- Ataru has a misadventure en route.
- Something else
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