Monday, 15 May 2017

Story: Pretty Boy Ukyo


Do you know what's a really, really good idea for trying to get into someone's social circle? Stalk them. It was a truly flawless plan! Right now her primary target, Ranma Saotome, was being led off to a doctor by  the girl he was <b>apparently engaged to, so much blinding hot rage and fury</b> ahem! Back on track! So, Ukyo's first instinct on seeing them leaving together was to leap into a nearby bush and follow after to see where they went.

Totally genius plan. Could not possibly backfire. After all, Ukyo always adored it when that idiot Tsubasa would suddenly burst out in the kitchen while disguised as an oven, so surely Ranma  would find it <i>just as appealing</i>.

On another note: Apparently being cursed had  turned Ukyo really sarcastic all of a sudden.

"I said I'm sorry," the girl said. "I didn't mean to throw it that hard, and I certainly wasn't aiming for your face!"


"That's the part that worries me," Ranma told her. He was holding an icepack to his face where the ball had hit. "Clumsy girl with freak strength. Not the best combination if you're trying to be cute."

"If I was trying to be cute, you'd know all about it!"

"Yeah, because my danger sense would flare up something fierce!"

Huh... Not entirely what Ukyo was expecting to overhear. They were arguing, but there was a really weird flirtatiousness about it. Maybe reading a little too much into it, but given what Ukyo had been hearing about the two of them being <b>engaged, so much anger!</b> Ahem! Maybe it had instilled a false romantic perception where there wasn't one?

The girl's name was Akane Tendo. Speaking objectively, she was pretty. Ukyo studied her face carefully. Very pretty, actually. Ranma sure was lucky to be engaged to a girl that cute. That long hair trailing down her back really gave her a strong feminine vibe, and drew attention to her fit figure, which even the unflattering Furinkan uniform couldn't fully conceal...

It was at this particular moment Ukyo realised he had a little problem in his trousers. He shook his head. Stupid curse! Down boy, down! Focus on Ranma and how surprisingly handsome he - Hey, where the hell was he anyway?

A finger tapped Ukyo on the shoulder. He turned around and found Ranma there waving at him.

"Did you find the person following us?" Akane asked.

"Yes, he did!" Ukyo answered. Ranma was a little too preoccupied to speak, you see, holding Ukyo by the collar with one hand and the icepack to his face with the other. "He definitely found me!"


Shortly thereafter, Ukyo found himself being held down by Ranma, who was really scary strong even though he was using only one hand. Meanwhile Akane was standing over him with hands on her hips, and oh boy, this must be why Ranma was calling her uncute. It was weird, but somehow she was even prettier when she was pissed off, and yet Ukyo was still really scared. Scaroused? Yes, that sounded like the right word. Akane's demeanour was scarousing.

"So?" Akane asked. "Why were you following us? How do you know Ranma, and how did you recognise him in his cursed form?"

"I'd answer her," Ranma advised. "She did this to me on accident. Imagine what she could do on purpose!"

Oh, Ukyo was definitely imagining that without any trouble. Whips and her own spatulas being used against her while Ranma's manly boy form held him down - Guh! Cut that out!

"Ya really don't recognise me?" Ukyo said to Ranma. "Typical! Of course you'd forget your good buddy Ucchan, ya forgetful idiot! You and your damn stupid old man would forget your head if it weren't screwed on! And even then you'd have trouble!"

"Ucchan?" Ranma asked, then let Ukyo go. He pulled away and rubbed at his wrist, had half a damn mind to sock him one for that. "Ucchan!"  he suddenly excitedly exclaimed. "Oh wow! It's been years! Ow, my face, smiled too much... Ow..."

Yet again, not the anticipated reaction. No fear, no guilt, no nothing?!

"You were childhood friends?" Akane asked.

"Yeah!" Ranma said, rubbing the icepack into his cheek. "Ucchan would challenge me to try and take the okonomiyaki he'd made! I guess you were trying to follow me around to test my skill, huh?"

"Something like that..." Ukyo said. He felt funny. Seeing Ranma smiling like that made him want to smile too. This forgetful jackass was making him forget all the years of suffering and regret, the hatred, the anger, the lust for revenge... All because he was so happy to see his old buddy Ucchan again. He should be pissed off, but it just wasn't there right now.

"Ah, well! It is nice to meet you Kuonji-kun!" Akane bowed a little to him. "Ranma does not talk all that much about himself, except for how great he is. If you will excuse us, I have to take him to meet Doctor Tofu to have his injury treated. The two of you can catch up later if you want."

"Feh, it doesn't hurt that much," Ranma claimed. Then both Akane and Ukyo simultaneously poked him in the stomach. Forever the Saotome weakpoint, and a surefire way to make them smile! It worked yet again this time too, with Ranma first grinning like a loon, then holding back tears. Manly tears, naturally.

"Come on, Doctor Tofu will have you patched up in no time," Akane said, taking Ranma by the hand and leading him. "Goodbye Kuonji-kun! It would be nice to meet you later on."

A feeling that Ukyo definitely reciprocated. That... Did not go remotely like expected. Ukyo returned to the school in a daze. Revenge should be the foremost factor in his mind, and yet... Yet he just couldn't bring himself to sustain it. Why did they both have to be so blasted nice? And cute! So very cute... Mph! Blast this stupid curse! It hadn't been an issue before, but right now Ukyo's sexuality was feeling more confused than it had in years. While pretending to be a boy 'she' had to also pretend to be attracted to girls for years. Which meant picking out the features boys felt were attractive and working out how to notice them to keep the ruse running. All while also starting to really notice the things she liked about boys...

"Maybe that's what it is?" Ukyo wondered aloud. "I started out straight, then accidentally turned myself bisexual? This cursed form sure ain't helping matters out, let me tell you..."

Oh. Do you know what else really didn't help? That somehow, some way, Ukyo had become a magnet for hot water. Right as he was walking inside the school, a teacher accidentally spilled tea all over Ukyo's uniform, and in the process caused him to switch genders right there and then. Lucky thing the teacher didn't notice, but now he had the issue of tea drenched clothes to deal with.

<hr>
Tatewaki Kuno was not the vengeful sort. Not at all. He sought justice, not vengeance! He had been wronged twice now: The first time by that wicked Ranma Saotome, and now a second time by the irksome newcomer Ukyo Kuonji!

It was a travesty, to be treated in such a manner! Though Kuno did bravely limp on into class, in full body cast. It was the duty of a student to be punctual after all.

"Oh no!" Nabiki Tendo pretended to swoon in her seat. "It is the Egyptian mummy, come to curse us with the endless blight of buffoonery! Spare us your wicked fate, oh mighty pharaoh."

"Your words are as sharp as any blade," Kuno said while stumbling across towards his seat. "My wallet is on my waist. Take from it what you will, and tell me all that you know of Ukyo Kuonji!"

Nabiki just took the wallet itself and put it in her bag. "He's handsome," she said, counting off on her fingers. "He's rugged. And I'm thinking of asking him out on a date."

"A date?" Kuno asked. "By which you surely mean blackmail him until his wallet cries for mercy."

"I can go on a regular date if I felt like it," Nabiki cooly said. "It's hardly my fault that the boys in this school are only good for the yen in their pocket." She inspected her fingernails as though Kuno no longer mattered, which was a truly baffling notion to the kendoist. "At least, until today."

And so the rest of the class, Kuno had sat in despair, pain and a whole lot of bandages. Kuonji. Saotome. The two of them dwelled upon his mind like a festering disease. Both of them felt like obstacles in his way to the fair Akane, and also the pigtailed girl. It would not surprise him in the least: Akane Tendo, fallen for the charms of Saotome, and the pigtailed girl under the sway of Kuonji. Before he knew it lunchtime was upon him, and he staggered through the corridor, away from the cafeteria. It was not food that would sate him: Rather, justice!

There was no sign of them anywhere on the grounds it seemed. Neither Saotome, Kuonji nor even the fair Akane! Where could they be? All Kuno could do was wander blindly, and pray for his chance at a swift strike of -

"Ugh, this is so annoying," sighed a voice that sounded familiar. Kuonji? It sounded higher pitched than before, but that rough accent... There was no mistaking it! "Gotta wait for these dumb guy clothes to dry out. If I head out there without wrappings on, everyone's gonna notice these girls for certain!"

Girls? Wrappings? It was worse than he'd believed! This fiend was ensnaring innocent girls to force them to do his dastardly bidding! Kuno could take no more of this! He threw open the storage cupboard he'd heard the voice coming from - and quickly found himself staring dumbly at a naked woman's chest, while she was standing next to a hanging boy's uniform.

"Ah, crapbaskets," the girl complained, then picked up a familiar looking spatula and knocked Kuno out cold.

<hr>
Love makes people do strange things. As in, really strange and peculiar things. In Tsubasa's case, he was lost. Totally and completely lost. For some reason he felt the odd urge to yell "Where the hell am I now," and "Ukyo Kuonji, because of you I have seen hell!" and... Was that a little piglet that just went by carrying an umbrella and a really, really big rucksack?

"I need a drink,"  Tsubasa sighed wearily. It was tough work wandering the wilds while wearing a dress. One might then wonder why this boy was wearing a dress in the first place, or if not then at least wonder why they were wearing it if it was such a hassle? Easy answer: Because he looked so cute in it! So cute,  it was a wonder his darling Ukyo hadn't already succumbed to his cuteness and returned his feelings.

"Oh, my love!" Tsubasa crooned. He put his wrist up against his forehead, and through sheer narrative dramatic will a flurry of petals fluttered about him. "Why did you have to leave on such a dangerous quest? For the sake of vengeance? Will your heart truly never rest until you have spilled the blood of the fiend Saotome?"

"If it's a broken heart that ails you," said a woman's voice coming from the underbrush.

"Then there is only one remedy you need!" said another.

"The Red Hot Tea House Kunoichi!" said yet another, and all of a sudden Tsubasa was best on all sides by hideous monsters that were the opposite of cute! He screamed at the top of his lungs, grabbed a tree branch and whapped one on top of its ugly head -  or at least tried to, but the branch was caught in a monstrously strong grip!

"Now, now my dear! No need to be so uncouth," said the small trollish one. "Come over for dinner, you'll have a time you'll never forget. We'll see to that!"

"Nooooo!" Tsubasa yelled. "I don't want to be eaten! Waaaaah!"

Suddenly, a new figure arrived just next to him. Tsubasa gasped, then found himself staring into the eyes of someone who might even be cuter than - It wasn't possible, but there it was! They were even cuter than him!

"Our humble menu, honoured guest," the new arrival said, bowing to Tsubasa and offering him a small piece of card. "I am Konatsu, your mere servant for the evening."


  1. Ukyo has to deal with an unconscious Kuno knowing about the curse.
  2. Tsubasa has a fun time at the tea house, and winds up taking Konatsu along with.
  3. Ryoga gets roped into the tea house shenanigans.
  4. Someone else makes an early appearance. Perhaps Akari, or Ryu?
  5. Akane asks Ranma about Ukyo while Tofu treats him.
  6. Something else

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