Story: Kyon the Slider

 

The number one thing on my mind at this moment was easy to understand: Escape. Escape! Right now, get away, flee, get out of here, don't stick around, don't do anything stupid, just get out. This situation was dangerous enough as it was, and Mikuru was already taking off her maid's uniform. This reality wasn't safe. I had to leave, I must leave, I can't stay here or something else impossibly lewd would happen!

"Pardon me girls, nature calls!" I quipped, and went right for the door. For a fleeting moment I thought Mikuru had said something that I personally found disgusting regarding using her body for that sort of thing, but it was roundly ignored, sanitised, filed away and kept hidden in a place I would never, ever find it. Hopefully. All associated mental images would swiftly follow.

Fortunately for me Emiri was far too out of it to try to stop me. She could have. Her powers would have been sufficient, and - I stepped out of the club, and bumped into, of course, the alien babe that I'd just nutted inside of. Pardon the crass language, I know it's not like me, but I just got laid and am in a highly stressful situation, some lapses should be expected.

I was, of course, ready to try to barrel by her, reality warping powers be damned... Until I noticed her body language was not flirtatious. In fact, it was much more similar to another Humanoid Interface that I knew very well.

"You're early," Emiri said, her tone completely flat and neutral. Very Yuki like. Actually... Yuki like from when I first met her. While it was imperceptible to most, I could always pick up on her emotional state. It was subtle intonations, but profound. "May I enter?"

I looked back. There was no sign of Mikuru undressing, nor the Emiri spreadeagle on the table, nor - It was an empty room. It looked perfectly ordinary, actually. "Sure, sorry!" I said and let her past. I tried not to take a whiff of her hair. She did smell nice though, and - I shuddered a bit, remembering the things her body did to me not too long ago.

I was in another universe. Obviously. Oh, this was not good. Would I ever find my way back to my own reality again - and stay there? Would I even know if it was my own reality? For all that I knew, some minor event on the other side of the world would - 

Deep breath now. Emiri was taking a seat, right where Yuki normally sat, and was quietly reading a book in the same pose that Yuki used. Was Yuki here?

"Ahem!"

I turned and looked down to see the girl herself standing right there. She handed me an envelope and flashed me a cold, clinical smile. Much like Emiri would usually do when she wasn't dropping the human mask, and letting her alien side out. Aha. That armband... part of the student council was she?

"Please inform Miss Suzumiya that if her silly little SOS Brigade doesn't start reviewing some literature, then the room will be given to another club that actually did the paperwork!" Yuki said, then turned up her nose and stormed off.

This was such a mood whiplash that I didn't even know where to start. Ah... I returned into the room and slumped into a chair. Would it be safe to discuss matters with Emiri...? Wait! It's possible that she's the reality warping Goddess in this reality, in which case talking with her about multiverse things might cause issues!

That was the trouble with this sort of thing, I'm just about experienced enough that this is going to be a total headache. Not so naive that I blunder forward without thinking but nor am I experienced enough to have a gameplan for this sort of situation. 

The best thing to do would surely be... find out more information. Yes, that was the rational course to take in this situation. Find out as much as I could, and then use that to determine a course forward.

"How are you doing today?" I asked Emiri.

"Everything is optimal," she replied. Very Yuki-like. The conversation died there. I wasn't sure what else would be safe to say.

Luckily, we weren't alone for long before we were joined by two familiar faces. Asahina, and Koizumi. No Haruhi yet, which was a blessing. I listened carefully to the conversation, asked Koizumi playfully what sort of nonsense he'd gotten up to today, and he replied flirtatiously. Nothing unexpected so far. 

But then I learned a few odd facts.

"For tonight's date with Miss Suzumiya - " Koizumi began, then he drifted off while watching me carefully. The smile on his face grew a fraction wider. "Ah, that expression... You're not our Kyon, are you?"

I stared back at him and looked nervously around the room. "You can tell?" I asked.

"Yes, our own Kyon is really quite happy in his relationship with our Suzumiya, but you..." Koizumi said, tilting his head while studying him carefully. "Emiri, could you perform an analysis of our stranger? In particular, where our own Kyon is?"

"Analysis has already completed," Emiri said. She shut the book neat and clean, then turned to look directly at me. "This is a Kyon from a parallel universe who has travelled here via means currently unknown to the Integrated Data Anomaly." Ah, that's what they're called here is it? "He appears to be under some mild stress, indicating that he is not in control of his situation."

"Ohhh, this is bad!" Mikuru put her head in her hands and seemed like she was about to cry. "If Miss Suzumiya finds out there's a multiverse of Kyons out there - "

"She will undoubtedly try to seduce all of them," Koizumi gravely admitted. "Yes, I can see it now. Plain as day. She will attempt to ensure that one hundred percent of all Kyons, across the multiverse, are hers and hers alone. She's extremely possessive like that."

Hold on now. These guys were making it sound like this Haruhi was - 

"Good afternoon peons! And salutations to my beloved Kyon, future father of our many, many children~"

Haruhi skipped into the room, girly as you like, and immediately planted her rear in my crotch. She wiggled around, and the experience was annoyingly pleasant.

"By the way Kyon, did you hear~?" Haruhi asked. "I talked your little sister into having another sleepover at her friend's house tonight~ I know, I know, she almost never stays in her own bed these days, and your parents will buy you out on a business trip again, but that just means we can... Y'know! Tee hee!"

Like nails across a chalkboard, and yet I was erect again. Not for the first time today! I forced a smile at her, and looked into those eyes to see... madness. Total madness. She was a complete and total yandere! A yandere reality warping Haruhi Suzumiya who had latched onto this universe's Kyon! He was either the luckiest or unluckiest bastard across all of creation, depending entirely on your point of view! 

"By the way, Mikuru~ You wouldn't mind wearing a longer skirt from now on, would you? Oh, and a less snug top? You're clearly going to distract <i>my man</i> with <i>those jugs</i> of yours!"

"Eh! Sorry, sorry, I will cover up more, I promise!" Mikuru quickly hid herself from my view. Emiri also adjusted the position of the book she was reading so that it stayed in between my eyeline and her chest. Scary!

"Ahem!" Koizumi coughed. "May I suggest a topic for our meeting today?" Koizumi began. Nothing I can do to stop you! So go right ahead! "How about we discuss activities that our leader and her dear boyfriend can do on their date alone tonight? I'm sure we can come up with some... fun, creative activities, that will keep her endlessly entertained, and him eternally happy!"

"Yep! Same as always!" Haruhi cackled, and leaned back into me, and - Ohhhh no, it just hit me. Somewhere out there is a playboy version of me capable of breaking the brain of a girl with a touch! What if that one ran into this version of Haruhi?!

I tried not to dwell on the thought. Really, I did. But the way things were going there was an excellent chance that would happen, sooner or later, and I would be absolutely powerless to stop it!

Which led to another problem: How could he warn this SOS Brigade of that version of him... without this Haruhi learning of it?