"And another thing, you ugly pigtailed brute!" a mailbox yelled at him.
A mailbox was yelling at him. A mailbox had called him an ugly pigtailed brute. A mailbox was, for some reason, insulting him to his face, when moments ago he had been in the tender embrace of the future mother of his child, and was about to have a threesome with her and her super hot older sister.
"Are you even listening to me? Blah, no manners either!"
And yet, here he was, being yelled at by a mailbox. Did a mailbox feel pain? Could he inflict enough pain upon it to make it clear how frustrating it was having to jump around his own life like this? Dealing with all manner of random weird bullshit without any apparent rest, and even when he was finally in a good place - Zip! Here, I know you were getting laid, but here's an inanimate object to yell at you instead. Have fun!
"You leave my Ukyo alone! She's too good for the likes of you!"
A girl's head popped out of the mailbox upon that last yell. Aha! Something that made sense! Obviously he must have stuffed an extremely annoying person inside this mailbox as a means to get them to leave him the hell alone, but it didn't work, and now he had to deal with them continuing to be annoying.
"Who the hell are you anyway?" Ranma Ifasked.
The girl recoiled as if personally offended by Ranma not having heard of her. "Tsubasa! It's Tsubasa!" the girl yelled. Oh, that annoyed her? Keeping that mental note for later use. "And I am far, far cuter than the likes of you!"
Ranma grabbed her cheek and gave it a nice hard tug. "Oh? I'm not cute, am I?" he asked. "Do tell, do tell!"
"Waaargh! Ukyo is mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!"
Oh, give him a break. Polyamory was almost like this world's gimmick or something. If Ukyo had any interest <i>at all</i> in this girl, then she'd -
Wait a minute.
"Wanting Uchan to yourself is kinda greedy, isn't it?" Ranma asked.
"I won't share!" Tsubasa stuck her tongue out. “At least not with an idiot boy like you!”
Oh, one of <i>those</i> sorts. How wonderful. Well, this did kind of put Ranma in a bit of a tough spot here. He knew full well what the future held. He would marry the Tendo sisters, and apparently not Uchan, and as such he really didn't have much of a stake in this. Couldn't exactly reassure this chick that way though, and she probably wouldn't believe him even if he said that. It didn't work on Mousse, it didn’t work on Mariko, so it probably wouldn't work on this Tsubasa girl either,
"Ranma, what exactly did you do to make the mail itself mad at you?" Akane asked, approaching from a distance. No, wait, stop, stay back don't get involved in this. Also, it was kind of hard to look at her face right now without imagining her without a stitch of clothing on her body, so maintaining eye contact right now was kinda... not something he could do with her. "I mean, that is just like you. You do have a talent for getting people mad at you, so why not get started with random objects? Before long the ground you walk on will hold a grudge."
"Cute! Go out with me!" Tsubasa suddenly yelled, leaping towards Akane in a total change of mood.
...
"Hold up, she's my fiance," Ranma grabbed the back of the mailbox Tsubasa was wearing. "Leave her alone, I thought you were after Uchan anyway!"
"Well, I'm still scouting for cuuuuute girls, and she's definitely my -"
Tsubasa was interrupted when Akane punted her. “Never mind that one isn’t your fault.“
God, part of him wanted to just... take her right there and then. However, different instincts came up instead. Reverting to type, Ranma couldn't help but let out a sarcastic "Oh, how <i>cute</i> of you to be so understanding."
"Right?! Isn't she cuuuuute?" said a vending machine containing Tsubasa's face that had flat out appeared right there, rubbing into Akane's side like a pet running up to its owner looking for affection. "You know, you and Ukyo would look super cute together too hanging off my arms~"
"You do know that Ukyo is a girl, right?" Ranma asked.
Now, a few things are important here. To start with, despite his curse Ranma does have a fairly understandably limited view of sexual relationships. Yes, yes, he got laid right before he jumped to this point, big whoop. The thing is, from the time and nation that he's from homosexual relationships aren't... something he's used to. Yes, let's be kind and put it that way. It is not helped that in his own world, there's a more roughly even split of men and women, unlike this new world he'd wound up in where women outnumber men by quite a bit. Due to these factors, we should not judge him too harshly for this attitude. I'm sure that most reading this have no issue at all with lesbian relationships. Not least because it's kinda hot. Even so! Ranma's concern about Tsubasa and Ukyo hooking up when he believes they are both girls is not something we should hold against him. Much.
"Well, of course I know that!" Tsubasa insisted. "I mean, it's obvious, right?"
"But - but hold on, give me a second here..." Ranma muttered, clearly confused by his own assumptions about how the world worked not quite stacking up to reality.
Akane seemed to have caught on, and grabbed Ranma’s arm. “Sorry, we’re a quad already.”
That Ranma had heard before. It's when you had the socially accepted max of four people in a relationship.
"Blegh, girl hog!" Tsubasa stuck out her tongue. This chick thought she was cute, huh? She turned tail and hopped off, leaving Ranma hoping that this was the last he'd see of her.
It most decidedly was not.
<hr>
The sound of the door to her restaurant chiming was always the moment Ukyo's face lit up the hardest, for a winning smile was the best way to welcome a new customer. That smile became a lot more genuine and a lot warmer when she saw who had come through the front door. Her future husband Ranma - and also future fellow wife Akane!
"Hey, Ranchan!" Ukyo cooed, always eager to present her cuter aspects to her beloved. Both of them. In case it needed clarifying, Ukyo's plan was to get in on that marriage alongside Akane. Boot out the other sisters and snuggle up next to the two of them. "Always nice to see you."
"Say, Uchan, do you know anyone named Tsubasa?"
Oh dear she seemed to have broken the spatula she was holding. “Tsubasa… who? Ranchan?”
“Err, I think Kurenai?”
Oh how funny she had drawn her weapons and was pointing it at a nearby decorative fern. Had it been there yesterday? She couldn't remember, instinct took over. Any inanimate object was a possible threat.
"Never heard of them!" Ukyo said a little too loudly. "I mean, it's not like I got a restraining order taken out on them or anything like that!"
"Actually, the court wound up dismissing it due to - Yow!"
"I still took it out, jackass!" Ukyo yelled at the talking fern. "Most would take the fucking hint and leave me alone!"
"But not me, because I'm special, Ukyo-darling!" Oh god there it was, her face was popping out of the plant and, three, two, one... "Chaaaaarge!"
Ranma had been in many fights. But no amount of martial arts training could prepare you for a girl disguised as a fucking hosue plant tackling you. Which is why he ended up face first with a vase atop his back. Dignified, very dignified.
"She seems pretty into you," Akane said.
"She, nothing!" Ukyo yelled while using her battle spatula to ward off the affectionate weirdo who was simply not taking no for an answer. "This guy's a guy!"
"Oh," Akane said. Then, after a moment, turned to look out the Fourth Wall. "Why didn't you say that in the actual source material? Didn't you use a bunch of girl's pronouns for him?"
Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Translation issues going into English, and it's not my fault you guys didn't pick up that Tsubasa and I both attended an all boy's school - Can we not do this now?"
With that the fourth wall snapped firmly back into place, and Ranma was pulling himself up from under Tsubasa’s cosplay.
"Hold on, this is a guy?" Ranma asked. "I've seen inside this cosplay thing, and he's wearing a dress."
"So? So what? Dresses are cute!" Tsubasa sniffed.
"But you're a guy," Ranma said, slowly this time. Do forgive him, he's from a different time and place. And, uh, universe. Also Tsubasa isn't dressing up out of gender dysphoria, he really does simply like dressing up in cute clothes. "B. O. Y."
"Yeah, and you were wearing a girl's bikini at the last swim class..." Akane mused.
"Jusenkyo curse, it's not like I want to wear that, he's wearing it by choice. Kinda weird, ain't it?"
Ukyo looked at Ranma strangely, and Akane got that look that Ranma had seen before where she realized that him being from a parallel reality was making him say things that were <b>weird</b>. Clearly he had missed the memo on boys wearing dresses in this world, and would need an explanation from her later.
“That’s right, and I’m way cuter than you.” Tsubasa said. “Why a boring guy like you thinks you’re even fit to breathe the same air as Ukyo is a mystery!”
Cuter?! Ranma was a way better looking guy than some cross-dressing weirdo! And he was way more interesting too! He was from another world in a time warp situation and had was a master martial artist and-
An idea came to Ranma, and so he ran off to the back of the restaurant, leaving Ukyo, Akane, and Tsubasa alone for a moment.
“Look, Tsubasa, I think Ukyo’s made it clear that-” Akane began
Then the door burst open again, and a red-haired pigtailed girl in sailor uniform barged in. “Who’s cuter now you cross-dressing weirdo! <b>Ohohohhoho!”</b> Ranma held her hand in front of her mouth as she laughed.
Tsubasa turned a bit red. “You… how did you make yourself shorter!? And those boobs look too real and- Nevermind! If it’s a cute off you want, it’s a cute off you get! Winner gets to date Ukyo!”
“Deal!” Ranma said without thinking.
"Hey, don't I get a say in this?!" Ukyo yelled. Though, she was dabbing at her nose with a handkerchief. "Ugh... This is the dumbest thing."
"Hi, welcome to Furinkan, we have a lot of stupid nonsense going on around here basically all the time," Akane said, with only a little bit of sarcasm in her tone.
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