This might go without saying, but my stress levels were sky high. Without meaning to, I had somehow managed to remake the world into a perverted paradise, where I apparently ruled as a King. It felt like every girl I passed was giving me a sly side glance, while wearing attire more fitting of a porn parody.
One factor that was not helping was Haruhi Suzumiya. Every time that my mind started to consider ways that I could change things back to normal, she would do... something to distract me. Whether that something was grinding her butt into my crotch, pouring water over poor Asahina's cleavage, flipping up Yuki's skirt or grabbing a random girl whose hair was tied up in a ponytail, and making out with her on the spot -
Look, I'm only human. There's only so much that any living, breathing, but most importantly straight man could do against such sights. It was really driving home my initial impression of Haruhi - beautiful, with a very nice body. Yet also crass beyond belief.
It was, to say the least, thoroughly frustrating. I was worshipped like a God. And yet if Haruhi or Yuki caught wind of the fact that I was not the pervert they remember they might rewrite my mind to 'fix' me before I could 'fix' them. Which brings to mind the old musing: Am I a butterfly dreaming I am a man, or a man dreaming being a butterfly?
"Alright, you horny studs and sluts!" Haruhi yelled, throwing open the door to the computer club. Oh, the poor maligned computer club. What horrors have been unleashed upon them? "Our almighty leader, Kyon the Fuckslut King, has demanded an inspection!"
With great reluctance, I stepped in, and found the computer club sitting at their computers with girls under their desks using their breasts in much the same way Haruhi had been using hers this morning.
On the one hand, I felt quite bad for the girls doing this. On the other, I had always felt quite bad about what happened to the president of the computer club when Haruhi blackmailed him.
"Tsk, how boring," Haruhi said. Then she dismissively waved her hand - and before my eyes the boys and girls switched places. Now the computer club were the ones under the desk, using their tongues to please the girls sitting at their desks. "There we go, much more fun! Are you girls having fun?"
"Oooh, yes I am!" the girl being pleased by the computer club president said. She ran her fingers through his hair. "I've had a crush on him for sooo long now, but I could never get myself to tell him! The new sex rules are awesome, glory to master Kyon!”
This was when I realised something truly frightening. Apparently, not even having mystic sex god powers couldn stop people from using my nickname instead of my real name. How infuriating!
I coughed, and entered the room. "So, what exactly are you doing here these days?" I asked. "You can hardly be called a computer club if all you do is sit around being pleasured, right?"
"Oho! That's our Master Kyon!!" Haruhi clapped. "He's always on the ball!"
The girls of the SOS Brigade gave me a polite, yet enthusiastic round of applause that I didn't really feel was all that earned.
"Ah, if you applaud me whenever I say something even remotely insightful, it will eventually lose all meaning," I pointed out. This got them whispering among themselves. Also kissing a little bit. Okay, mostly kissing. Then a little more whispering. Then they seemed to come to a consensus.
"Too much sugar makes treats lose their taste," Asahina said, groping Yuki’s butt.
"This is a fundamental aspect of human psychology," Nagato added, returning the favor to Mikuru’s breasts.
"The more a person has of something, the less value it has!" Yasumi added.
"Therefore, we shall be sparing in our glowing compliments so that you can value them all the more!" Haruhi concluded.
Seeing a chance to reign things in, I took it. Because of course I did.
"Hrm. Doesn't that mean I should have less sex? That way, I could value it more."
The four of them looked at me blankly, like deers in headlights.
“Ahaha, good joke Master Kyon. As if you would ever want less sex.” One of the girls being pleasured said between a few moans. “After that orgy with the track team, or the wet t-shirt contest of the volleyball club.. haha!”
“Oh yeah, remember what he did with the tea ceremony club?” Asahina asked.
“Not to mention the school chorus.” Nagato added.
Darn. It was worth a try.
"To answer your question, we're programming and writing erotic visual novels," one of the girls in the computer club said. "All based on your escapades, of course."
That sly look she shot out was not doing anything to calm my nerves. Not in the least.
"Keep up the good work," I said with great reluctance.
As the girls and men nodded, and a few moved to switch places again, Haruhi grabbed my arm and pulled me along. That would be ordinary, if it weren’t for the fact that she was pushing my arm between her sitable breasts. And naturally, the rest of the SOS brigade was doing their best to also get some skinship in.
Since being woken up by Haruhi’s marshmallow tits, I had been.. stimulated far too much. So far I had managed to avoid growing a new boner.. but god it was hard, no pun intended. The sexy uniforms, the lack of underwear on the ladies.. it was actually hard to find a place to look at that was not lewd!
But mercy smiled down upon my head, for a girl passed by that - bless her - had a rake thin body, no breasts or curves to speak of, and had her hair cut really, really short. I'm sure that she appeals to someone, but that someone was not me. I looked at her, and I could see realistic body proportions, no blatant overt sexuality, all was right with the universe -
Until all of a sudden she had long hair tied up in a ponytail, boobs the size of basketballs, and a strut that a model would envy.
"There we go, much better!" Yasumi said. She blew on her middle and index fingers, which were extended like a pistol.
Did she...? Had she...? Wait, wait one moment there. Earlier he'd thought that the boys and girls in the computer club had switched places because Haruhi had indicated to them it would be more interesting that way, but was that really what had happened? Is it possible? Such a blatant thing?
"Pardon me, I need to speak with Nagato for a bit."
The other girls all whined a bit about me dashing off to get me some kuudere alien ass, but never mind that, I hauled Nagato off to another room, unoccupied mercifully. Oh, that was actually kind of nice... But I did have some other things I had to clarify here.
"Nagato, did you change that girl?" I asked. Nagato replied with her usual blank expression alone, so I grabbed her shoulders, and that made her cheeks ever so slightly more red. "This is very important, Yuki Nagato! Please do not change girls without my direct approval in future!"
"Very well," Nagato said. "I shall not alter any girls without your direct approval."
That was a relief. At least she seemed to be okay with that command. This would be the last thing that I needed. The only thing that could possibly be worse is if, in the process of revelling in my power as a literal Sex God, I had awakened Haruhi to her reality bending and twisting powers while still keeping her my sex toy, and she was deliberately using it to make sure I spend as little time unaroused as humanly possible.
But such a thing would never come to pass. It would be an unthinkable, unmatchable disaster if it did.
....
It couldn't come to pass. Right?
Right?!
I rushed out the room and stared at Haruhi, who was... teaching Yasumi how to grope Asahina's boobs. The sight of which made me lose track of what I was going for a moment there.
“Now, you gotta push them up a bit so you can appreciate the weight and softness, then knead them. Don’t forget to twist her nipples, she really likes it!” The once so shy Asahina was moaning in clear delight, not showing the slightest sign of embarrassment. Rather, she was leaning into Yasumi’s small hands as she followed Haruhi’s instructions.
"Ohhhh nooo, not in front of Master Kyooooon!" Asahina moaned, fairly unconvincing in her 'shyness' routine.
"W-Woah, what's going on around here?!" a student said. A boy strolling in through a side door. "I take one day off sick and all of a sudden -"
I took one look at him - and then he became a stud with a rippling six pack, and his shirt wide open. He scratched his head, looked at the girls with appreciation and an obviously growing erection, then strolled off. Nagato had only just now followed me along. I looked over to Haruhi. She barely even looked at the boy, preferring to focus her attention on Asahina.
"Really now," Haruhi huffed. "He's got a body like that, and he's taking days off sick? How ridiculous can you get?"
This was when something potentially worse than the above came to mind. That Haruhi wasn't aware of her powers at all, but was still unconsciously using them to alter reality around herself, in an effort to keep some weird fantasy going.
Which was going to do one of two things for me. The first was to make it harder to avoid the lewdness. The second was to provide me a way to turn everything back to normal.
- Kyon goes on a fact finding mission.
- The school inspection continues!
- Switch to Haruhi's POV for now.
- It turns out Haruhi knows about her powers!
- Something else
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