Story: Sudden Wedding 1/2

From our perspective, the two travelling groups were like a pair of speeding trains that were on the same track. No junction, no brakes, but one was a fair bit heavier than the other. And no, before she asks, that was not a shot at Akane's weight, I'm talking about the sheer hitting power of - I mean, that girl's weight is entirely down to her muscle mass being atypical for a girl her size and... Screw it, there's no way out of this hole. The point is that watching them trek closer and closer to this kettle shaped mountain was like watching a lit fuse burn down. Something spectacular was about to happen, but if you've any sense in your head you don't want to be anywhere nearby when it goes off.

And then, by chance, Ryoga Hibiki spots Lime scratching her head and looking around confused. The boy walks up to the girl, having somehow managed to get ahead of the rest of the group, he taps her on the shoulder and says.

"Excuse me, do you know where Horai Mountain is?" Ryoga asked.

"Huh?" Lime grunted, still facing away from Ryoga. "I thought this was Horai Mountain... Maybe that's it over there, then?"

Ryoga peered over Lime's shoulder. Neither one recognised the other, largely because they hadn't looked at each others' faces yet.

"That's a cow," Ryoga said.

"Ah? Cows can't be mountains?" Lime asked. "What about that?"

Ryoga followed Lime's finger. "That's a cloud."

"Ah, that's what those are called? How about that?"

"That's a - wait, you're Lime!" Ryoga gasped, finally - finally! - noticing who he was talking to.

"Oh. What a big name for such a small thing," Lime said. "Hello wait, you're Lime!" The idiot girl waved cheerily to a beehive. "You have lots of stingy things flying around you. Hope you're okay!"

Worth noting that while she was waving at the beehive, Ryoga was punching Lime squarely in the back of the head to absolutely no effect. This bodes well for Ryoga's future.

"Waaaaait a minute," Lime finally said. "That was a male's voice!" She whipped around and crouched down, a ravenous look on her face. "You! That cute, dumb boy with the pigtailed man stealing bitch!"

"I'm dumb?! You don't know what a cloud is, and I'm dumb?!"

"Everything you have said right now is completely factual," Ranma said, from her position squatting on top of Ryoga's head. "You are dumb, she doesn't know what a cloud with, neither of these positions contradict."

"Will you cut that out?!" Ryoga swatted her away. "If she's here that means the rest of those Musk psychos are here!"

"Indeed we are," Herb said, blasting Ryoga and Ranma back with a casual wave of his hand, which caused the wind to howl like a hurricane that would look at an immovable force and take it as a challenge. "Lime, don't wander off again, you complete idiot!"

Lime, proving once again that she is an idiot, took the opportunity to cup Herb's crotch. She was sent flying a moment later. While that was happening, Akane, Mousse and Mint had all caught up. The fuse was down to its last inch.

"So you have decided to persist in your interference," Herb said. Mint goosed him. Mint joined Lime in low Earth orbit. "This was quite unwise, Saotome. You should have taken your punishment like a good girl."

"Trust me, he's not a good girl," Akane groused. "You should see her sometimes, wandering around the house topless..."

"Can we not?" Ranma asked. So. This Herb guy. Apparently he was tough shit. From what Akane had said before, and she'd seen just now, it was a reputation well earned.  Studying her opponent, Ranma could see that it would be a tricky fight already. The guy was ripped, tall, had way longer limbs than her and just caused a gust of air by waving an arm.

"We cannot allow you to keep the kettle for yourself," Mousse said, already swinging a chain around in both hands.

"We have our own plans for it," Ryoga added, pounding his fist into his palm.

Oh, that did bring a tear to Ranma's eye. Such friendship, such loyalty. Putting himself in harm's way like this! Even if the two of them were both idiots. As for Herb's buddies, they landed hard on the ground right behind him, Lime doing more damage to the ground while Mint simply landed deftly on her feet as if it was no big thing. As if Herb wasn't going to be a big enough headache.

"Hey, you guys, take those two airheads," Ranma said. She wet her lips in anticipation. Part of her was eager to see what this guy was made of. "Akane, you go after the kettle. I've got Herb."

"Oh, do you now?" Herb snorted. "Very well. Lime, Mint, you may do whatever you wish with these two males."

Gosh that was a large pair of extremely perverted auras that flared up right then. Lime punched the Earth, Mint simply <i>disappeared</i>, and from that the two pairs of fighters were gone off to who knows where, while Akane was hurrying towards the mountain in search of a magical curse unlocking kettle.

God, it really hit Ranma right then how fucking weird her life was even without the time travel bullshit. Would a bunch of ghosts start following her around next? Was Herb going to decide to make her his bride due to <b>another</b> stupid obscure tribal law? Perhaps he’d challenge her to a game of Martial Arts Poker or something like that.

<b>BOOM!</b> Or Herb could cut the bullshit and fire a blast of ki bigger than Ranma’s entire body and blow up the area where Ranma had been standing a mere second ago.

"So?" Herb asked. "Still feel like you've 'got me'?"

Ranma retorted by backflipping and, in the process, flicking up a rock to kick at Herb. She didn't see what happened to it exactly, but she did see it disintegrated right before Herb walked through where it had been without seeming to give a damn.

"If that's all you've got then this won't be that much fun for either of us," Herb said. "Or perhaps you're intending to play keepaway? Hit and run tactics while your better half seeks the prize for your own selfish needs?"

Then Herb raised a hand up and aimed towards the mountain, specifically where Akane was climbing her way up.

Ranma briefly saw red, and the next thing she knew she was driving her foot into Herb’s face, well, that was the intent. Instead he blocked her kick with his wristguard, smirking at her. “Ah yes, one slight mention that a woman might be slightly inconvenienced and you erupt into brutish violence, how typically male.”

A snap kick came in from out of nowhere. Ranma blocked it, but was suddenly blasted back by the wind. The kick wasn't even that strong, how the hell had he caused a vacuum effect like that?

"You should be grateful that I made you a woman full time," Herb said. Let me tell you, from my short experience being a man is hellish. You have all this awkward mass, you're oddly sensitive, and I’ve learned my subordinates are even foolisher than I had previously thought.”

“...wait? What are you talking about.” Ranma said.

Herb’s eye twitched, “Why do you think I’m searching for the kettle you fool!? Do you think this is my natural form!? I fell into the Spring of Drowned Man and then …. And then….” Herb’s battle aura got larger and larger. "To get distracted by that disgusting dangling thing, not once but twice... Getting splashed with water from that pail!"

"Oh, you're a chick?" Ranma asked, and then the ground underneath her wasn't there anymore. Good thing she'd jumped. Bad thing that Herb had jumped too.

"You're cuter this way. You have a longer lifespan. You won't be hounded after like a piece of meat. And you don't look like a stupid ape this way either!"

While Herb spoke he was throwing out blast after blast, throwing out her fist like a punch but it didn’t matter if it was anywhere near Ranma because of the absurd amount of energy shot out by each strike Somehow Ranma was able to kind of see them all, and her body was reacting way faster than she was expecting too. Damn, what kind of crazy training had she gone through to get this fast!? It wasn't enough, because Herb was faster. She was sent tumbling to the ground, rolling away and barely able to get back to her feet before Herb was towering over her once again.

There was only one way for Ranma to survive this fight, and it was to resort to gameplan number one: Talk shit, so you don't get hit.

"Ah, quit your bellyaching," Ranma said, diving to the right and continuing to move, move, move! "Being a guy is way better than being a chick! You're stronger like this, you won't have those stupid baby impulses and - hey! You won't be chained to your rightful place, the kitchen sink, anymore either now that you're a man!"

“What?” Herb said, “Kitchen sink? Baby impulses? Everybody knows men are the cooks in households and are the ones thinking about babies all the time.” He lowered his hand, “Are you just throwing out insults to try and distract me? It isn’t working, because Dragons don’t get sloppy when they’re mad. And I’m as pissed as I can be!”

...crap. That’s right. Ranma’s knowledge of gender stereotypes came from her original world! How was she going to piss off Herb now!?

Wait, that was some new knowledge. So guys in this world were the ones obsessed with babies? Even though women still gave birth to them…? Or at least that was the stereotype. So… was he supposed to be ready to give Akane a baby right away… is that why she was pregnant so “early” in their post marriage life…? Wait crap she was getting distracted when the goal was to distract Herb!

Oh, and by the way there was a boulder being tossed at your head by your annoyed future wife, who probably took umbrage at the insults to her gender, likely because as nonsensical as they were for this world she knew that you originated from a different world and recognised the insults for what they were.

Thanks for the heads up, brain!

"Ranma! Get out of there!" Akane yelled at the top of her lungs. Right after that, Ranma's sense of danger spiked hard, though she was already diving out of there like she was diving out of a burning building, right as Herb was raising his fist into the air.

Out of nowhere a burst of wind struck Ranma hard, harder than any other that Herb had tossed out so far. This felt less like an advanced martial arts technique and more like a force of nature had reached out to slap her across the face. If Akane hadn't warned her, she'd have been caught up in that and sent flying.

“Where did you learn the Hiryu Shoten Ha?” Akane asked in a disbelieving tone. The what?


"I should be asking that," Herb chuckled wickedly. "Those of us descended by dragons are well familiar with the technique.”He paused, “Ah, it must have been Madam Cologne. Impressive that she’d give enough of a damn about you to teach one of the most dangerous techniques of the Joketsuzoku.”

Ranma really wished she had the slightest idea what either of them were talking about right about now. But there was one thing that she did know for sure. She got up onto her feet and wiped down a cut on her cheek.

"Akane, find the kettle," Ranma said, fire burning in her eyes now, locked fully onto the enemy in front of her.

"But you need my help!"

"Help me by finding the kettle! Don't argue, tomboy, go!"

That might sound harsh. It might sound cruel. It might sound stupid. Ranma was clearly outmatched. She couldn't stand up to Herb. Was this pride? Arrogance? No. The reason Ranma was doing this was a surprise even to her.

<i>“They came back positive! Me and Kasumi are pregnant!”</i>

Ranma couldn't lose here. In the future, her curse was unlocked. Akane and Kasumi would not be pregnant by 'him' if it was locked. So she had to win here. She <i>had</i> to be able to become a boy again.

"You're still wanting to fight after that?" Herb scoffed. "Typcial male bravado."

She had to win. Because she wanted to meet those kids. Because... because Akane was smiling in that future. If there was the slightest chance that she might do something to screw up and stop that future from happening then Ranma was going to squash that chance with her bare fucking hands! For that smile! For those kids!

That’s when Herb started floating in the air. Not jumping, <b>floating.</b> Gravity was no longer applying to him and his battle aura was causing the ground beneath him to crack.“I suppose I should give you some small bit of respect out of your bravery by no longer playing around.”

...oh god she was going to die.

1. Ranma jumps to another timeline.
2. Ranma continues trying to fight back - but unlike canon, doesn't know anything about the Hiryu Shoten Ha.
3. Mousse and Ryoga are busy trying to maintain their virginity just a little bit longer.
4. Something else