Ataru Moroboshi is known for three things. His seemingly ceaseless perversion, his relationship with Lum and his bad luck. Quite the deadly combination of traits, with each of them compounding on his misery - though at least the first makes it self inflicted, which makes it easier to deal with. His relationship with Lum? Please, he'd protest all day long about how she wouldn't leave him alone but if you gave him a guaranteed method to make her back off he'd probably punch you for offering it to him.
The last one, though, that's the real crux of the matter. It doesn't get as much focus as the last two, but it was every bit as much a part of him and his life as the other two. Don't midunderstand though, this is no ordinary level of "bad luck" that you could find anywhere. Usually caused by carelessness, not looking at your surroundings, or maybe someone else was guilty of that same sin and you happened to be the one that got it instead.
No. Not in Ataru's caes. While a lot of his suffering was self inflicted, a lot of it was plain weird. How many people do you know that got stuck with an intergalactic taxi fare? How many do you know wound up having to defend the Earth in a tag race against an alien who could fly? How many times have you encountered random ghosts and spirits in your everyday life, when you weren't actively looking for them? How many of you have been abducted by an assortment of aliens?
And how many people are you aware of who have been made the bitch of a really butch chick who had sex appeal that ping ponged across the Kinsey scale like it was made of rubber, knocking down all the pins that lie upon it?
Ataru being unlucky is a fact of life. Which made it weird that...
"Oh hey, another hundred yen," Ataru said, bent over to pick up another coin. His trousers were bulging, and not in the way he might use as innuendo. "Wow, did Mendo's wallet burst or something?"
"As if I would carry something so piddly as a hundred yen coin," Mendo scoffed. “What can you even buy with 100 Yen? A mere three course meal?”
The rich boy then took out a million yen note and dabbed it around his mouth. Ah, but while his back was turned a gust of wind blew through the street, and caught skirts of a pair of girls strolling up ahead of them. Ataru, and Ataru alone caught sight of their underwear.
And then, as if to put a punctuation mark on the entire scene, a bird flew past the pair, and with precision aim… shit on Mendo's head.
"How dare that bird do such a thing!" Mendo groused. "I should arrange for that species to become extinct. And you, stop smiling like that, it is quite... unnatural!"
"What, that I'm having a good day?" Ataru said, smiling ear to ear. "Hehehe, it's nice to see you being jealous for once rich boy! Suck it up, savour the taste!"
"Darling, stop teasing that bourgeoisie boy that wants me bad but will absolutely never, ever have me because I am way, way richer than he is, and my society is far more advanced than his in terms of economic systems anyways." Lum said, not leaving off with any home truths in slicing through Mendo's main good trait.
Naturally, Mendo immediately repressed those comments because it implied that there was something in the universe he couldn't throw money at and have. But what he didn't ignore was what Lum said next.
"Honestly, Darling, it's a little eerie seeing you have such good luck today."
It was like a summoning spell had been cast. All of a sudden, members of their class had swarmed around, peering at Ataru as he walked inside the building. They moved as a group off towards the classroom, with Mendo at the head. Lum floating a little off the air, linking her arm with his. Then Moroboshi stops. Picks up another coin. Then, despite all of them following at a distance, a girl trips and flashes her underwear in such a way that only he can see. Not one other living soul. The girl probably didn't even know he caught a peek. On top of that, Lum hadn't noticed because a butterfly had flown through the corridor, and she'd turned to look up at it.
"This is wrong, right?" one boy asked.
"Ataru Moroboshi, having good luck?" a girl whispered, with rightful fear in her voice.
"It's a trick, can't be real," another said.
On hearing these rumblings mendo threw out his arms. "Hold fast, my fellow students!" Mendo bellowed. "Since when do good things happen to -"
The same bird from earlier landed on top of Mendo’s head, chirped once, and then shit in his hair again. It then flew off before Mendo could cut it in half with his katana.
"Hey, maybe the universe is trying to pay me back after crapping on me for years? Ever think of that?" Ataru asked back at them. Every single one of them took a big step back. Except Mendo. Because, of course, he's a complete idiot.
"Just watch," Mendo scoffed. "Any moment now, a meteor will fall on him. Or something of that nature."
Except nothing happened.
"Wait... doesn't talking about luck usually summon that hideous monk?" someone asked. All looked around. There was no sign of that fun ruiner anywhere. Which, for once, made everyone even more anxious instead of less. The one time he was wanted...
"Hey, can I please enjoy one good day?!" Ataru yelled back at them. "Ugh, it's like you want something to ruin it or something..."
"Yo, Ataru!"
At the sound of her voice, all turned to see the newest most desired babe in Tomobiki, beating out Lum by dint of the fact that all of the girls wanted a piece of that every bit as much as the boys did. Ryuunosuke Fujinami. In full on girl's uniform, storming down the corridor directly towards Ataru Moroboshi with a weirdly friendly look on her face. Weird because it was, like, aggressively friendly.
The boys moved first, rushing forward to create a wall around Ataru, keeping him from Ryuunosuke. Bad enough that he had Lum, but to get Ryuunosuke too? No, no, that was unthinkable!
Little did they realise that Ryuunosuke already had both Lum and Ataru willing to fool around at the snap of her fingers. But anyway.
"Hey, you guys! Clear out a sec, I gotta talk to Ataru!"
"First name terms?" Mendo asked. "Ryuunosuke for your own safety, us boys must keep you away from him. That scoundrel is having uncommonly good fortune, and so it is our duty -"
"It's your duty to suck eggs!" Ataru yelled from within the mass of irate boys.
"What's going on out here?" a voice roared. Onse-Mark. Feared ogre of a teacher, in appearance and attitude. "Right! You boys, detention! It's obvious you're harassing Moroboshi. Heaven knows he's probably got it coming, but I won't stand for bullying of any student! Even those I don't much care for! Now, let him out and head to class so you can write your lines!"
This was perhaps, the greatest sign that something was <b>wrong</b> with the cosmic balance of fate today. If Onsen Mark was <b>defending</b> Ataru Moroboshi.
So in shock was everyone present that they didn't even notice when Ryuunosuke grabbed Ataru's hand and led him away down the corridor.
"You wanted to speak with me in pri~ivate, Ryu-chan?"
"Enough of the Ryu-Chan," Ryuunosuke said. A wild glimmer shone in her eye, and Ataru immediately shut up. And kept his hands to himself. Ryu had him well trained already. "Liste, my old man was saying you're a real bad influence. Which makes me think, you're probably the kind of bad influence I should get to know better. So? How about it? Wnana influence me?"
"More than I want to continue breathing," Ataru said breathlessly.
"Great!" Ryuunosuke said. "Alright, so, show me what you do to pass the time before lunch ends."
Ah, now Ataru was freezing up a bit. A girl was assertively insisting that she watch him hit on girls. To him, that went even more against reality than the idea of him being super lucky for a day. Luckily, he would receive two extremely potent pieces of motivation.
"Tell you what, you show me a good time, and I'll show you a good time later on," from Ryuunosuke.
"Responsible addduuuuuuuult!" from Sakura, bolting down the corridor and looking quite red in the face.
"Miss Sakura! You look really stressed out, would you like a shoulder ru-" Bam! Ataru's good luck seemed to run out when the nurse/priestess pelted him hard in the face and sent him slammed right into the wall.
"Ryuunosuke Fujinami!" Sakura yelled, keeping Ataru pinned against said wall with the flat of her hand. "I will not allow this cretin to corrupt you into adopting his habit of hitting on girls!"
"Eh? Is that what that was meant to be?" Ryuunosuke yawned. "Man, that's not how you hit on girls."
Then out of nowhere, Ryuunosuke grabbed Sakura and spun her down, dipping her and staring into her eyes. "Say, how about you help me out? This dork won't be any kind of influence at all if this is all he can do."
"Wh-what?" Sakura asked, and it was funny. She grew quite flushed being held by Ryunousuke like that. "Help him learn how to hit on women?"
<hr>
It was still lunchtime, believe it or not, and Shutaro Mendo was standing in front of his new troops. Not the boys, alas. But rather, the girls.
"One of your own is in mortal danger," he said, tone dripping with ominous intent. "She has unknowingly put herself at the tender mercy of Ataru Moroboshi. This is something we cannot permit. Her chastity, her purity, they are at stake!"
The girls stared at him with steely eyes. It was clear to him that they understood. Of course, it was only natural they would move to protect their own. With his cunning, his leadership, his charisma and his good looks they would -
"There's no way Ataru's going to be the one to hit that!" one girl said.
"If anyone's tapping Ryuunosuke's booty, it's me!" another added.
"No, me! She's the hottest thing going in school!"
Hottest... thing... going... in school? Surely they were talking about Shutaro Mendo, and not some butch... yet also adorably helpless... Physically appealing specimen of the faierer sex, who also gives of masculine vibes while simulteansouly being extremely appealing in a feminine way…
They were women after all, surely they desired the paragon of masculinity that was Shutaro Mendo! Not a woman forced into the shape of a man!
"Now, ladies let us not be rash," Mendo said, cooly leaning against a locker. "To say that Ryuunosuke is the most desirable - "
The locker shifted open, and inside... there was a shrine with what looked like a painted gold statue of Ryuunosuke, standing back to back with herself. One in her boy's uniform. The other, in the girls'. There were pictures of her. Wearing her gym clothes, vaulting a horse. One of her out on a walk, another of her working at the beach. There were also various items strewn around it. A ruler. Some chest bindings that looked used, if he were any judge. A comb, a toothbrush...
"The heretic has seen the shrine!"
"Burn him!"
Ah. Right. Well then. Time for him to not be here anymore. The Mendo family knew one thing at least, you never mess around when religious zealots were around no matter how rich you might be.
<hr>
Sakura was a responsible adult. Which is why she was quite surprised that she'd taken this long to think of such a thing. Ataru Moroboshi was clearly in need of guidance. Running around haphazardly 'hitting' on girls, when he clearly didn't know the first thing about flirting, she should have been trying to correct this behaviour in a way he'd be more likely to listen to.
Which is why they were back in the nurse's office. Ataru was sitting in a chair in front of her, while Ryuunosuke was lying back on one of the beds. On her side. Running her finger around on her upper thigh as if she was trying to be seductive, but she was also giving off the impression that it was not on purpose.
"Are you sure you don't want that shoulder massage?" Ataru asked, making wiggly motions with his fingers. At which point, Sakura struck his knee with the broad end of a ruler. "Wah, Ryu-chan, she keeps hitting me!"
"Quit yer bellyaching," Ryuunosuke said. "Chicks like confidence, and yer coming off as desperate. Ain't that right, Miss Sakura?" Seductive wink.
It was by accident. It had to be by accident. Ryuunosuke was so effortlessly charming that without trying she could seduce someone. It was as though a great change had come over her, she was not insecure about her sexuality anymore, not in the least and the aura she was putting out there was magnetic, entrancing.
However! Sakura was a responsible adult, and she was fully capable of resisting it!
"Look, this is how you do it," Ryuunosuke said. Then she got off the bed, strolled over towards Sakura cool as a cucumber, looked her dead in the eyes and said "Hey there."
That was it. A simple 'hey there' and it felt like she was melting where she was sitting. Of course, as a responsible adult this wasn't <actual</i> arousal, she was merely imagining what it would be like if she were not a responsible adult and Ryuunosuke did that. It was roleplaying.
Which led to a problem. The role she was playing would then shyly start to flirt back with Ryuunosuke, which would provide Ataru the chance to see how one should interact with women. But, if she flirted with Ryuunosuke openly that could easily be misconstrued as her being an irresponsible adult when in truth she was a responsible adult. What should she, a responsible adult do in this situation? Even she, a responsible adult, was having issues with this.
Have you ever seen a word of phrase used so often it loses all meaning? Sakura was right on the verge of that at about this point. We've not even seen 10% of the times that phrase came up in her mind today.
Fortunately, there was a tap at the window. It was Mendo in a tank. The spell was broken. Sakura could breathe a sigh of relief, then throw the window open and yell "What in the world do you think you're doing?!"
"I am protecting yourself and Ryuunosuke from a wild beast!" Mendo said into a megaphone that was, incidentally, about five feet from Sakura's face. "Stand aside and let me see the rascal, before his good fortune leads to terrible misfortune for you!"
Now, it's worth noting that this scheme might actually have worked. Ataru's pretty crazy at the best of times, but when Mendo pulls out a goddamned tank, it's probably a good time to be elsewhere. Unfortunately for him, his attempt to be elsewhere led to him stumbling and tripping out of the very window that Mendo was aiming into.
"I have you now!" Mendo yelled. Indeed he did. Ataru was at point blank range of the tank's main cannon. While Ataru was adept at dodging bullets, catching swords and surviving blasts of lightning that would kill an elephant, taking a shot from a tank at point blank range is not something he would be able to survive. Had his luck ran out?
Well, this was not really down to luck. Not really. You see, Shutaro had forgotten a vital part in his plan to run off Ataru during his lucky streak. A fact that makes Ataru stumbling out of the window actually a bit of good luck instead of bad. What fact might change that around so drastically?
Ryoko Mendo exists.
The tank fired, and instead of a mortar, a custard pie flew out. It was caught by a sudden gust of wind that picked it up, arced it away from Ataru, and then struck Mendo right in the face.
"Wh-where did that -" Mendo sputtered. He tried firing again. This time, his seat collapsed from under him, and the top of the tank sealed shut. Almost as if someone had tinkered with the internal software. "Help! It's dark! It's cramped! I'm scared!" Mendo wailed.
"Oh, this alone makes the entire rest of my life up to now worth it," Ataru said. He sat on the ground, pulled popcorn out of... somewhere, and started wolfing it down. "Hahaha, how could this day get any better?"
As if in answer, the tank's top popped open, Mendo's head popped out taking several deep sucking breaths - and then bird poop landed on his head. This caused him to slip, and then for the tank to seal itself closed again, which was admittedly something that Ryoko didn't plan for, but she'd definitely appreciate it if she found out about it. Sorry. That should be when she found out about it.
But wait, his day was about to get better still.
"Yo Moroboshi! Get yer butt back in here!" Ryuunosuke yelled. "That was the funniest shit I've ever seen! You wanna have that good time I promised?"
"G-good time?!" Sakura squeaked from inside the building. "Now, see here. This is a school! I cannot permit-"
Ryuunosuke rolled her eyes, turned around, started to undo the clasp at the back of her school uniform, and then there were noises that Ataru dearly wished he could see being made that sounded sort of like Sakura making muffled moaning noises.
As for Ataru, he was already unbuttoning his shirt as he returned to the window. "Welcome to her harem, Miss Sakura!" he said, then rubbed his hands together in abject glee. This was the best day ever!
- Smut ahoy! To be more specific, Ataru has a threesome with Ryu and Sakura - where Ryu is absolutely the one in charge.
- Let's catch up with Ran, dealing with what happened on that date.
- Shinobu does her best to contain the rumours, really she does.
- Something else
No comments:
Post a Comment