What kind of man is Gendo Ikari? Cold. Clinical. Unfeeling. Calculating. Manipulative. Or is that just the mask he has to wear when he keeps company with people who redefine the meaning of each of those descriptions? Batesian mimicry taken to its extreme, human ideal. By showing the same behaviour as those who are toxic, those who desire to eat him will hesitate and try some other prey instead.
That wasn't to say he wasn't a total and complete bastard. Just not exactly the same kind that everyone else believed him to be.
Now, before a certain ring remade reality the meeting he was in at that very moment was an analytical look at Angels they had already defeated. Angels, the stuff of Lovecraftian tales. Eldritch abominations that were truly terrible to behold and impossible for conventional military to defeat. Therefore the Evangelions were required to stand up for humanity, much to the dismay of everyone not working for SEELE or NERV.
"We have defeated five Sexy Maids to date," Ritsuko announced. Nobody blinked. That was not a ridiculous statement. It made perfect sense to everyone present. "To begin with, an examination of what a Sexy Maid is, what we believe their goals are and how they tend to operate."
She clicked a button and took a seat. The television taking up almost the entire back of the room changed image, showing a smiling young girl clad in an erotic maid outfit. There were several labels dotted around the image: Charming smile, bright eyes, feather duster (especially dangerous), ample cleavage (extremely dangerous), frilly skirt, serving tray and so forth.
"This was found at the North Pole, frozen in ice." Ritsuko scowled at the image. "The scientists on site believed it had come from a parallel universe due to a unique series of energy signatures that maids tend to have following arrival. The scientists decided to defrost her for further analysis.
"The first thing she did upon waking up was tackle the head scientist to the ground and have her way with him... Her climactic release caused an energy discharge that was responsible for what we refer to as Second Impact."
Gendo let out a weary breath, but since his face was leaning into his steepled hands nobody seemed to notice. Not for the first time he was baffled how nobody else ever found this whole affair completely and utterly ludicrous.
"Following this, we discovered a being referred to as Lilith," Ritsuko continued, changing the screen image again. This time to a gargantuan gorgeous, mostly naked sleeping girl, with a snot bubble popping out from one nostril. She was chained to the wall so thoroughly the only thing anyone could see of her was her head. "Anyone who views her knows this to be her name immediately, and also feels as though she is somehow connected to the creation of life on this planet. It is quite clear from her size and mass that she is a Sexy Maid of extraordinary power. No two people ever describe her facial features exactly the same way."
Gendo rolled his eyes, certain that his sunglasses would hide the fact he was doing so. Ridiculous. Absolutely absurd.
"In order to defend ourselves from further incursions, we began the Evangelion project by using treated portions of Lilith's body combined with state of the art robotics."
"We are all quite familiar with the creation of Evangelions," Gendo observed. What he really wanted was to get this over with as soon as possible."Remain on topic."
Ritsuko nodded her understanding. This time the screen showed something else entirely. A giant, towering maid waving to the camera while tanks, helicopters and infantry fired on her with everything they had.
"We refer to this as the Third Sexy Maid," Ritsuko said. "It repelled all forms of attack and used its feather duster to erotically sweep away the military. It destructively skipped and frolicked through the city until your son - That is, Shinji Ikari bravely confronted it. Whereupon the Sexy Maid flirted with Unit 01. Pilot Ikari nearly succumbed to its tantalising seduction, but stayed strong and steadfast, gently letting her down. The Sexy Maid then whined and vanished, defeated by Pilot Ikari where the military had failed."
Gendo said nothing. He was neither proud nor disappointed in his son for saving the day. The whole of the attack had been so ridiculous that he'd emotionally numbed himself to the entire experience.
Next up was the Fourth Sexy Maid. This one had a bit of a different look to them. It was, in essence, tight spandex covering head to toe, with an apron on front. Instead of feather dusters she wielded a leather whip in each hand, was holding onto the side of a building like it was a stripper pole and had her tongue slightly out of the side of her mouth as though she wanted to do something very, very naughty to some lucky, lucky person.
"The next attack was not quite as straightforward," Ritsuko frowned. "The first ten minutes of it were spent with your son admitting to being a naughty boy while Unit 01 was being spanked by alternating whips. If not for his friends sneaking out of the secured bunker, the fight would have ended very badly for us. This was when we learned the Sexy Maids had very different kind of abilities."
That one he did feel embarrassed over. Next up was the Fifth Sexy Maid. This was a stark difference to the others, especially the last. Her uniform was blue, her hair was white and in this image she was walking through the streets at ground level.
"With this one we learned much more about how the Sexy Maids actually operate," Ritsuko said. "They tend to start off human sized, and then accumulate mass and power by cleaning." Click, and now the same maid was as tall as a double-decker bus. "They have the same powers, but scaled to their current height." Another click. Electricity zapped out of the maid's fingers. She used static electricity to clean rather than tools. "So when they're as big as this -"
The next image showed the Sexy Maid giving Unit 01 a zap of lightning, and the maid gasping in apparent, probably sarcastic horror. Gendo's frown deepened. Though this fight was not as humiliating for him, it was definitely one that took its physical toll on Shinji.
"As for the next one, it happened out on the ocean." Indeed. A maid uniform cut into a bikini swimming through the waves. Quite the sight to behold. "Pilot Sohryu made an impressive debut to the battlefield, with assist from Pilot Ikari. It seems as though this Sexy Maid absorbed water pollution to rapidly increase its own mass."
"And the last," Ritsuko scowled. "It was initially a rather bad defeat." This maid was a definite oddball. One half of its uniform was black, the other white. The hair was also split. One half a long platinum blonde, the other half short and red as a sunset. "This Sexy Maid split into two, and attacked the Evangelions as a Sexy Maid pair of twins." Click. Both Evangelions were pinned to the ground and mounted by a maid, with feather dusters tickling their chests. "Both pilots needed rescuing from the dastardly erotic assault and devious lapdance by the military, and took hours of deprogramming before proper training could begin."
"In summary," Gendo began. "Sexy Maids infiltrate our world from a parallel universe. They use their unique special powers to tidy up, causing them to grow in size and power. This inevitably causes a tremendous disturbance, requiring us to use our giant robots to subdue them. Yet rather than fight the Sexy Maids are more intent on seducing the pilots than actually harming them, and can be persuaded to leave by politely turning down their advances."
"Which can prove difficult," Fuyutsuki added, nodding sagely. "Due to their high level of charisma and enchanting charm. Devious monsters!"
"We do not know their goals. We do not know why they are coming here. We do not know when the next attack will be or what form it will take, beyond borderline pornographic. Is this a correct summation?"
"It is."
Well then. What would be better to have right now? An aspirin or a stiff drink? Both would be ideal, but that could be potentially lethal.
"Then the logical course of action is to watch the streets for signs of a Sexy Maid," Gendo advised. "If we can identify them before they grow in size, it may be possible to contain or capture one before they grow too large. Then we can properly interrogate and potentially dissect their soft, supple bodies and find out what makes them tick. That will be all."
Gendo waited until they both left to return to their other duties, then reached into a secret compartment in his desk and took out a bottle of whiskey. Within ten minutes it was empty, back in its concealed location, and Gendo was sitting again at his desk. Hands steepled as always.
Then he let out a hiccup. "What career choice was it exactly that led me to this point?" he asked aloud. "If I could pinpoint that exact moment, I would squash it between my fingers."
Little did he realise that things were going to get even more complicated very soon.
- Now that Sexy Maids have been established, let's go back to Rei's copy.
- Or perhaps Rei herself?
- Meanwhile, Asuka and Shinji make yet another change.
- What's Misato up to?
- Something else
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