Story: UY First Impressions

There is nothing quite as wonderful as basking in the utter humiliation and defeat of the person you hate the most in the universe. Right at that moment, adorable Li'l Ran was sitting peacefully, contently in her bath. Long pink hair dangling over the edge while everything from the tippy top of her tits down was covered in suds and bubbles. It wasn't something she would usually indulge in, more a castoff from her more, shall we say, human side of the family? Primitive, yet relaxing. Not quite as effective as a proper sonic and laser shower for cleaning purposes, but so much more relaxing.

Now, it seems rather obvious that a pretty, naked girl bathing would be the first thing that might draw any hypothetical viewer's attention were they to voyeur into this room - and oh, but that was a risky venture to spy on this young maiden - however, even the straightest of men or the most hardline lesbian would find their eyes rather distracted by a curious little feature of this room. The decor was not quite what you might expect of your normal bathroom. Not at all. Not a bit of it. Because it seemed as though every wall, the ceiling and floor were all covered with a certain... motif, shall we call it? A rather single-minded motif at that.

Ran turned over in the bath and stared into the eyes of a statue that had been erected behind her. Lifelike to a tee, with its arms out, face set in a grim, determined expression. Piercing eyes, handsome face, the kind of physique you'd imagine a god would have. The statue was, in fact, comparable to its real-life counterpart in every detail except one: One was leaps and bounds more intelligent than the other, and no, that relationship is not the way around you were almost certainly thinking.

Since that is a trifle ambiguous allow this brief clarification before we proceed: Rei is dumb. Rei is dumber than a statue of himself. It should also be mentioned that this particular statue of Rei was completely absent any clothing, and the word "erect" was used to describe it there with quite deliberate intention.

"Did you have a good day, Miss Ran?" the statue asked in a monotone approximation of the man himself. This was still more emotion Rei would express for something that did not involve getting him food. The bath Ran was in might well have been a million times deeper than the actual Rei.

"Oh, thank you so much for asking!" Ran tittered adorably. She rose to her feet. This was rather less adorable and more unflinchingly and effortlessly erotic. One hand trailed her hip, the other rested at the back of her head, and suds slid down her body in a way that managed to both hide everything and show it at the same time. "That pervert Lum has finally gotten her comeuppance! Ah! Poor, poor Lum. Being humiliated like that in front of all of those people. How terrible for her."

"You should send a letter of support," the statue said. Its arms moved slightly forward, offering a towel draped across them. "She is almost certainly distraught over her public defeat by a comparatively primitive being."

"Good thinking!" Ran said, reaching across to stroke the statue on the cheek, then whipping the towel off and wrapping it around herself in a moment's notice. "My, my, I can see it now. In a time where she needs support the most, my letter arrives and <b>crushes her spirit! Stomps on it! Grinds her resolve into dust and lets her get blown away by a casual breeze!</b>"

Ran braced herself against the statue as all of a sudden her knees felt rather weak. A bit of heavy breathing got her sorted out quickly enough and she pulled up to full height again.

"Are you well, miss?"

"Of course," she tittered, playfully waving a hand at the mostly inanimate object she was chatting with. "You know how worked up I get when that man-stealing pervert gets involved."

"Yes, miss," the statue replied, and were anyone paying it any mind they might have detected a subtle alteration to its facial features. Sort of like it was thinking "here we go..." but that kind of thought would, of course, be far beyond its operational parameters.

"I mean, it's not like she flirted with every nice man that caught my attention," Ran sweetly said. "It's not like she flaunted her body to anyone curious. It's not like she turned any other girlfriends I tried to make into lesbians, or nymphomaniacs, or both. It's not like <b>the bitch made my life an utter hell and the only way I can get off anymore is to watch her suffer! It's not like I'm in partial denial about how much I wanna ride that sweet, sweet Oni ass and express that repressed lust in extremely psychologically unhealthy ways, to the point that I'll reveal a nugget of truth while ranting then forget all about it when I stop and then go back to obsessing over her completely hunky boyfriend and how unfair that is and</b> you know, kinda annoying stuff like that, tee hee?"

The statue lacked a hinge or a joint on its neck, so it did not nod. All it could do was blankly state, "Yes, miss. Perhaps this will teach the... Pervert that she cannot always get her way?"

"That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?" Ran cutely mused. She skipped over to a wall and gently pressed on an impression of Rei's nose painted there, causing a monitor to slide out. A few taps of the buttons later and she was viewing a broadcast from Earth. "Look here! Look here! It's my favourite part! Hee hee! It's so silly! Look! The very moment she lost her bra. How... Mmm... Embarrassing for her. Oh, yes. So embarrassing. Definitely my favourite part."

"Of course," the statue replied. "It makes sense that would be your favourite part."

"Huh?" Ran replied. "Oh, never mind that! The only way this could've been better is if I'd had a hand in it myself. Ho hum! Maybe Li'l Ran could somehow turn this to her advantage? Hrm? There must be some way I can use this to split the two of them up. Let's see... Maybe I could -"

Ran's plotting and scheming was rather rudely interrupted by an incoming message. Oh? Interesting. Lum's toddler cousin Ten! The only member of that family Ran could stand, and that was mostly because he was so adorable. Anyway, she set the message to audio only, hit reply.

"Hiya, Ran!" Ten cheerily called. "Oh! Why can't I see you just now?"

"Getting dressed," Ran called back. She picked out her cutest dress. Yes, that'll do nicely. The one with the purple flower pattern was simply darling! "I just got out of the bath, you see."

"Aw..." Ten quietly whimpered. "I mean, Ah! Would you be able to please help me with something? Pleeeease?"

Oh, that troublesome little scamp. What scheme was he up to this time? "That depends on what it is," Ran sweetly replied, tugging on the dress and flipping back her hair. "There we go!"

"Pretty!" Ten squeaked almost the moment Ran switched video on. "Um, I need some help! I wanna go to Earth to visit Lum, but I need to figure out a way to get there!"

"Go to Earth?" Ran asked. "Why would you need to go to Earth?"

"Because right now, she's filling out forms to move there! Also, she's broken up with Rei and shacked up with some other human guy! Please, Ran! You're my only hope. Won't you help this adorable little innocent boy worried about his cousin?"

The temperature in the room sank so suddenly one might think a certain Neptunian had paid a surprise visit. As far as Ran went, her expression remained completely... Smiling. That was all you could really describe it as. Smiling. The muscles in her face hadn't shifted in any way. But it was just a smile with nothing behind it.

"Of course I'll help," Ran said. "Don't you worry bout a thing. Leave it all to your Auntie Ran!"

"Aw, you're the best! Catch ya later! Bye bye!"

"Bye bye," Ran said, waving the adorable little troublemaker goodbye. The screen went dead. She sighed a little to herself. Turned slowly around. Then the expression on her face slowly, slowly shifted and changed into a scowl that was, at lightest, utterly demonic.

"She's moved to Earth?!" Ran yelled, throwing a poor, innocent pillow clear across the room with enough force to make it explode on impact. "How dare she rob me of my revenge?!" Her expression shifted and she clasped her hands to her cheeks, making her look for all the world like an adorable doll. "Then again, doesn't this mean that Rei is free and clear? I could ask him out now without Lum getting in the way." The scowl returned with a vengeance. "No, no! She has to suffer for what she's done! Moving to Earth and getting a new boyfriend? She's had it too light! Since I'm half human, half cubi, I have dual citizenship already! That's it! I'll move to Earth and break her there! Humiliation, hooooo!"

<hr>
It might seem a trifle peculiar for a fully grown woman to be obsessed with watermelon, yet there she was. It was actually a bit of a rare treat for the family, and since their normally useless son had done something spectacular in saving the world, maybe on just this one occasion she might indulge and celebrate a little bit. Let's see. Between the three of them, a big watermelon like this should last them at least two days.

On the other hand: Mrs Moroboshi knew a bad aura when she felt one. Mortal dread crept down her spine like a traveller down a well-worn path. She knew, somehow, that she would have to slice this watermelon quickly and neatly before something terrible -

"Oooh!" a little voice said. "Watermelon. Looks nice."

There was a thing. There was a thing sitting there on the counter, staring at the watermelon with a little drool pooling up in the corner of its... Mouth, she supposed. Ataru's mother twitched. Ataru's mother felt the weight of the knife in her hand. The creature looked up at her.

"My, my!" she heard it say. "Who could have guessed such an attractive, young woman could have such a foolish, unfortunate son?"

"Who are you calling foolish?!" Ataru yelled from the doorway. He stepped inside, saying, "Get away from her, you - Ooh, watermelon!"

The doorbell went, and the timing seemed rather... Appropriate. Mrs Moroboshi clutched the watermelon to her chest as if it were a newborn child and sprinted off towards the front door, away from her son but more importantly away from the little imp, whereupon her grip fell upon the door handle and she tugged it open, coming face to face with a rather sickly looking woman.

"There is evil here," the woman said, brandishing a charm in a peculiarly solemn manner. She let out a sound somewhat like a sneeze, as imagined by a lunatic, then returned to her straight and serious posture like nothing had happened at all. "You were right to bring me to this house."

"Hi, Mrs Moroboshi!" Shinobu said, to the strange woman's right. "Is Ataru - Watermelon? How lovely! Um, please save a piece for Benten and I."

"Hey, what's up?" said a girl wearing a navel revealing shirt and a snug pair of shorts standing on the woman's left. "Huh? Why're you lugging that green thing around? Is that some sorta fruit you have here on Earth?"

All of a sudden, this big watermelon didn't seem quite so big anymore. Especially if she wound up having to share it between all of these people...

1. Sakura becomes obsessed with exorcising the devil by herself.
2. Sakura somehow misses the devil completely, goes straight to Ataru.
3. Sakura resolves to deal with both of them!
4. Meanwhile, other characters...
5. Something else