There is a reason the term “scaredy cat” has come into prominence. Have you ever seen a scared cat? They apply all of their agility and dexterity to one simple task: Get the hell away from what’s frightened them. And they have agility and dexterity to burn as certain other cat-related metaphors ingrained into societal consciousness would tell you.
So with that in mind, tell me what you think would happen if a spaceship was programmed with a catlike artificial intelligence, and then that artificial intelligence was convinced that there was a dog running around inside of it? The answer - as Kumitada was learning - was that his coworkers decided that “grab onto something” meant “grab Kumitada and hold him so tight he has trouble breathing.”
Another young man in the same situation might have been marvelling at how soft these two lovely ladies felt, and taking every chance to enjoy the situation. That young man might have thought himself very fortunate to be the target of two rather stunning women’s attentions. Not so much Kumitada, and on deeper analysis most young men might not even be on that train of thought in this particular instance if only because all hell was breaking loose all around them.
Imagine that a ship, as in a regular boat sailing across the ocean were suddenly caught in the midst of a typhoon. It’s a sturdy ship, so all of the passengers and crew need not fear sinking. They are all inside, and no water can enter no matter how they are pitched about. But they are indeed being pitched about. Kumitada’s hands were rather fervently gripping onto what he assumed was some sort of alien light fixture, which lay within a corner of the room.
“Ahem!” Hanae said rather emotionlessly. “Oh no, this is so frightening. Don’t let go, Kumitada, no matter what.”
“Good thing I pointed this position out!” Yukiko said. Her head nestled on Kumitada’s shoulder, and moments after that Hanae returned the gesture. “This way, we won’t be tossed all over the room like those cats!”
Indeed, the cats were being tossed all over the endlessly tossing and turning room. They were quite badly panicked as well, except… Except they were having no trouble landing on their feet. Also, more worrying. No sign of their leader.
“What’s… The… Plan?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Oh, that?” Yukiko cheerfully replied. “We reverse the polarity of their mind control beam. That should bring everyone out of it and back to their usual happy human selves. Invasion over, done and dusted. Cat-astrophe averted.”
“We do still need to rescue the prisoners and escape as well…” Hanae noted, deliberately ignoring the pun. “However. Under these conditions our movement is severely restricted.”
“Tsk, tsk!” Yukiko wagged a spare finger. How about using that to grab the light fixture and ease off some of this weight! “It’s not like you to underestimate me, Hanae. Of course I have a plan of my own!”
<hr>
While it is certainly the case that cats are experts in terms of speed and agility, they are also quite adept at something else as well. Hiding. Go ahead. Switch on a vacuum cleaner around a cat that’s not used to it, then try to find them. They’re the ninja of the animal kingdom that way, and right about now the leader was doing something more practical than stumbling around like his graceless minions. No. He was riding this out. Hiding. Listening. Watching.
He had underestimated these humans. To think that they would turn his entire spaceship into a giant, panicky tumble dryer right under his nose! And while his guards were landing on their feet as cats do tend to do, the act of doing so this many times would severely hamper their usefulness. Repetitive muscle injury did affect their kind, and their instincts were compelling them to land repeatedly upon their feet in an effort to protect themselves.
“You see…” the blonde human female said. “It’ll stop soon, and if you’ll notice the guards are all repeatedly landing on their feet. That means that they won’t be in any condition to stop us no matter what we do!”
The leader’s eyes glowered and narrowed in on her. Leader. She was the leader of the three. From what he could tell of human interests her figure and face were considered ideal mating material for the males of her species. She was also more intelligent than most humans he had encountered so far, and her plan to reverse the effects of their mind control technology to return the minds…
Yes. She would do. It wouldn’t be a difficult thing for him to arrange by himself. The leader retreated into the vent silently, and used the momentum of the seemingly randomly pitching and mewling ship to safely accelerate his route towards his intended destination. He would set a trap for the humans at their intended destination! He would make it seem as though they had been successful, and then! He would transfer his mind into the blonde female’s body! The purrrrfect tool to continue the invasion with minimal interruption!
<hr>
Yukiko peered at the vent and smirked to herself. Gone now, have we? That’s a good naughty kitty, you go off and set your trap. She did so love it when a plan came together, though if she’d gone wrong at any point in her deductions then it would end very, very badly for her…
As it was, she waited until the ship’s pitching and rolling meant that the direction of the corner they were hiding in was facing “directly up” and initiated her true plan by letting go of Kumitada. Always a difficult thing to do, and on the corner of her vision she could see Hanae’s hands blatantly stroking his chest. Which she wanted to do as well, but alas! She had her own part in this wacky plan of hers to fulfill, and it needed to be done now before they went anywhere else.
On the way down a surprised cat guard barely had time to look and see her coming before Yukiko’s foot collided with its back and gave her a very rough kick using the momentum of her fall for a little extra oomph. Given how sturdy these things were, it probably wouldn’t even feel her best blow under normal circumstances, but there you are! The two of them landed on the floor and Yukiko rolled out of the way before the cat could get its bearings. She then leaped for the computer terminal in front of her, feeling the ship just barely start to pitch back as she struck her hand out desperately for the edge of the table - and just barely missed.
“Uh oh!” she whimpered. “This is gonna suuuuuck -Oof!”
She looked up and saw Kumitada holding her in his arms. Was that genuine concern on his face or simply his usual professional attitude coming into play? He nodded at her, and the ship again shuddered underneath them, beginning another pitch in another direction.
“Pardon me,” Hanae said, climbing atop Kumitada’s shoulder and reaching a hand down towards Yukiko. “Really now, was there any need for that kind of overly dramatic approach? We should try to be a little more practical, don’t you think?”
Yukiko took the hand and climbed up first Kumitada, and then Hanae to reach onto the secretary’s shoulders. “Well, thanks!” she said. “I just thought it would be a cool way for this to be brought to an end, is all. But teamwork is just as exciting!”
From this new position it was a little easier for her to reach her goal. There it was! The terminal that the leader had been sitting at. Yes! All that she had to do was grip the chair and the rest took care of itself - Got it! Yukiko let out a triumphant cry, which was joined by two yelps of surprise as both Kumitada and Hanae were tossed around and landed in an uncomfortable-looking heap. Not that Hanae looked too unhappy about it. Right! Best not to waste this chance…
Hauling herself up into the seat while the room pitched around her was one of the more physically challenging things Yukiko had ever done. Even more than the one and only case she had never been able to solve: The cursed golden cat statue discovered atop Mt Fuji. She still remembered that day… Seeing her mentor fall under the effects of the curse… Her final words before it took full hold…
Why was she thinking about that just now of all times? No. Yukiko shook her head and focused on the task at hand. Somehow she had done it. Somehow her muscles would find their own revenge on her, but for now she was in the chair hanging on for dear life - And then felt her moment of triumph cut short upon noticing that the alien keyboard had a completely alien language and design. Unlike anything she’d ever seen before!
“Nooo!” she yelled. “How do I use this?! I don’t have time to decypher their language! Though that does sound like a fun thing for later… But right now I’m on the clock! What do I -”
<i>“Every problem has a solution. The key to finding it is a cheerful demeanour and a keen eye.”</i>
Right. Of course. If she panicked at a time like this then she would be doing her mentor a disservice. Yukiko stared at the control panel and it felt like time itself slowed down to give her the chance to work it out. There was an answer here, but what? How could she press any of these buttons when one of them could be “self destruct” or maybe something even worse? But then she saw it. Something familiar. Something she knew. And as soon as she recognised it, Yukiko knew what she had to do.
She leaned in, carefully picked up the microphone, cleared her throat and let out the most realistic “Meow!” that she could manage.
- The ship straightens out. Now they just need to deal with the boss!
- The ship straightens out, but now it's time to get everyone off ship!
- The ship goes to sleep, leaving all the systems inactive. Except whatever is keeping it airborne, thankfully.
- Meanwhile, Zoe has her own mini-adventure while the ship is tossing around.
- Something else
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