Story: Sailor Moon Titnosis: Monster Magnet

I had this idea yesterday, and found it too much fun to ignore. Enjoy!
Begun from here.


She had been pacing around outside this shop for the last ten minutes, and it was getting a bit silly. Any minute now people would think she was a street performer of some sort, or maybe she'd keep going until she dug a trench? No. The shop owner would tell her to move before that happened.

Naru Osaka clutched at the side of her head and stomped her foot in frustration. Why was she putting this off? She had come here with a very specific purpose in mind. Why was she chickening out now, of all times?

Take last week as an example. On Monday she'd gone shopping for her mother's birthday, and - what do you know? Some weird ribbon based monster wrapped her up alongside all the other customers in the shop! Sailor Mars was able to burn the monster down without hurting anyone, and Sailor Moon finished it off. Everyone applauds, the scouts leave and Naru got Mom's gift.

Tuesday rolled around, and she went out to the arcade with Usagi. En route, a lamppost wrapped itself around her, hoisted her far into the air and then slammed Usagi into a nearby alley. It was a good thing Sailor Moon showed up so quickly when she did, or that monster would've eaten both of their brains!

Wednesday next, and she needed to pick up a cake for Mom's birthday. Which was about the time that giant chicken attacked. By this point, Naru was giving advice to her fellow victims on how to stay calm in a crisis, and she got back home with enough eggs to make ten cakes and enough feathers for a hundred pillows.

Thursday, and she was resolute. No monster attacks today! Instead, she would stay at home and try out that new television channel she'd heard people raving about. She'd spent the entire day watching it, quickly growing too lethargic to get out of her chair. Suddenly the Sailor Scouts appeared onscreen and beat up the host. A disguised monster feeding off the energy of everyone watching. Had she the strength to do so Naru would've thrown a shoe through the screen.

Friday was Mom's birthday. Surely nothing could happen here, right? Just a few family and friends getting together celebrating mom's birthday. Except it transpired that her idiot of an uncle had accidentally acquired some weird jewel that some weird rock-bat monster wanted resulting in the house being swarmed by the flying rodents until, once again, the day was saved by the Sailor Scouts. They were even invited to stay and celebrate with the rest of them. Sailor Moon had looked like she wanted to, but the others declined and they all left.

Saturday. A very twitchy Naru went down to get the mail. She reached into the mailbox, and very nearly lost that hand when <i>it came to life</i> and <i>tried to eat her</i> what the hell? Sailor Scouts save the day, yadda yadda.

Today. Sunday. There had been a close call earlier when a jeweller returned some weird looking ruby, but Naru had already ducked out of the house by then. Close thing too, given that the building was rapidly encased in crystal. Instead of worrying about it, Naru sighed wearily and continued on her route towards this shop. Which she had spent the last ten minutes pacing in front of. The Sailor Scouts could worry about the crystal building. There was nothing she could do anyway.

Oh, but there would be the next time some stupid monster tried something. As much as she loved Sailor Moon and the rest of the scouts (but especially their leader, who was just the coolest!) the whole situation was getting a little bit tiresome. Which led to this shop.

The shop. A shop of wonders, supposedly. If you're desperate enough, if you need something that can't be got or found any other place then this is where you went. Just an ordinary looking shop that didn't sell anything in particular from the outside, but local legend said that someone whose need was truly great and their heart pure would find whatever it was they sought the most.

Trick was, this sounded exactly the sort of thing those monsters would use to lure the unwary right into their waiting paws. Given her luck this last week, one could understand Naru's hesitation.

Screw it. Waiting around out here wasn't going to solve anything! If it was a monster attack, then the Sailor Scouts would swoop in and rescue her. Put the monster out of business. Prevent anyone else from falling victim to it. Going in there would be a public service. A boon to the community. In which case…

A bell rung above the door as she strode inside, and her nose was immediately assailed by unfamiliar herbs and spices that left her feeling quite dizzy for a moment.

"Can I help you?" a friendly-looking old man said from behind the counter. The very image of the stereotypical wizard. Long bushy unkempt beard, grey hair, eyes sparkling with life and wonder. He even had the hat.

"I hope so," she replied. It would be just like a monster to use the image of a friendly old man to put her at ease. "I've been-"

"Say no more, young miss!" the old shopkeeper said, holding up his hands, and pointing towards a bookcase over in the corner. "For a first time visitor that knows what her problem is, there are books on virtually every subject. Choose carefully, for it will reflect what you consider your greatest problem in life… which is often not quite what you think it is."

Well, that didn't make sense. How could she consider something her greatest problem, yet not quite think it was? Naru strode over to the bookcase and thought about those words. Her greatest problem… A loss of control. Without question. She wanted control over her life. Maybe get herself a boyfriend if she was lucky. But no. Control. Maybe a little bit of power to defend herself with. Her fingers trailed along the edges of the musty old books, and she thought those words over and over again. Power. Control. Boyfriend… And a book popped right out.

"The Secrets of Titnosis by Dr. J. McNutt," she read silently to herself. Not… exactly what she had in mind. Naru blushed and reached back up to the shelf to put the rather embarrassingly titled book away when, at that precise moment all hell broke loose and the front wall to the shop made a spectacular transmutation into an empty space filled with dustlike particles and a large, angry-looking, troll-like creature.

“Can I help you, sir?” the elderly man asked, polite even in the face of imminent face stomping.

The monster growled, and smiled a toothy, toothy grin. “I’m here for the clearance sale.”

“Clearance sale?” the old man furrowed his ancient brow. “We’re not having a clearance sale.”

There was a blur of motion and a gust of wind. In the blink of an eye the monster was at the desk with a giant hand wrapped around the old man’s head, completely dwarfing it through the sheer size alone. The frail figure was furiously flung through the air, landing with his back upon his deck before he went completely slack. “You are now.”

Naru cowered in the corner, not because she was afraid. By now the fear sort of melted off her back. Instead she was waiting. Inevitably the Sailor Scouts would notice and rescue her. Inevitably they’d come and sort this monster out. The creepy thing was emptying everything it could get hold of - a lot in those mitts - into a big brown sack. Ransacking the store? Well, that seemed almost human!

Unfortunately it was still between her and the door. Even if it wasn’t, she didn’t trust her luck to hold out long enough for her to make it out before it saw her. With how fast it could move the door would likely have been thrust shut before she could even step through it.

Any minute now, the Scouts would burst through the door. Sailor Moon would say something like “How dare you harm that friendly old man! In the name of the moon,” etc etc. Any minute now. The clock was ticking. It was getting closer to her position, bound to notice her any minute…

Except, oh dear. They were probably busy sorting out the whole crystal building problem. Which meant that she was stuck in a shop with a thieving giant monster, left cowering in the corner clutching onto a book with the word “titnosis” in the title.

What did the word even mean, anyway?

In a rather odd psychological quirk, Naru decided (albeit on a subconscious level) that it might be quite a wonderful idea to devote a little bit of time distracting the conscious mind from the imminent danger and rising stress levels by indulging in a little easily answered curiosity. Which Naru did by turning the book over and reading the back.

“Do you have no control over your life? Do you feel that life is unfair, that people ignore what you have to say? Do you feel unattractive, unappealing, or simply want a better boyfriend than your usual bunch? Look no further! Follow Dr Janet Mcnutt’s procedures, and you too can have as much control over your life as you could ever dream! Through the art of titnosis, enhance your bustline and use it to brainwash a whole other sort of boob.”

Naru’s face alternated between white and red as she took in this information, her initial response of mortification rapidly becoming embarrassment. That did provide an answer of sorts. Titnosis was a portmanteau of “tits” and “hypnosis”.

In spite of that discovery she flicked it open to the first chapter, hoping against hope it was some sort of satirical piece. There wasn’t a chance anyone could possibly have gotten such a book published. Surely not!

“It is a long standing belief that men are easily swayed by large breasts. Particularly when those same breasts are also swaying. This is - it must be said - a profoundly foolish belief.”

Okay, good sign on the satire theory.

“My studies have proven the point rather conclusively, time and time again. The cliche is false. Because like it or not women are also easily swayed by large enough breasts.”

… Then again, perhaps not. Regardless, she read on in search of further evidence. And not to distract her from the idea that she might be noticed any second, when help was perhaps half an hour away.

“What is more, my thorough studies of breasts have unveiled what I believe to be a mere fraction of their full potential. Tits have power as yet untapped and it is my fervent hope, dear reader, that you will be able to continue my experiments and demonstrate the awe inspiring power of tits! Change minds, alter bodies, anything is possible under the power of titnosis! Sadly, for far too many that may be willing to help out they may not be fully able to do so due to lack of titflesh. Ah, but this is no problem either! This book has a specific enchantment upon it that will enable anyone reading the prologue to enhance their own bust to the appropriate size. Don’t worry about your clothes! They will change to accommodate you. If you wish to help the progression of tit power, then merely speak aloud the words -”

Night fell. Or at least it felt like it. “Well, well, well,” a deep voice said, towering over her. “What do we have here? Introduce yourself, girl. I prefer to know the names of my meals.”

Naru looked up at it and swallowed nervously. What was the old saying about desperate times and the appropriate measures to take? It seemed rather relevant all of a sudden, and my goodness, but those really were big teeth. The words stumbled out of her mouth in a frightened whisper: “Boobicus Maximus.”

The monster tilted its head in confusion. “Your parents must have hated you. It’d be crueler to let you live. Shame I’m hungry.”

But Naru wasn’t listening to the taunt anymore. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears. Pounding like a drumbeat. Faster. Faster. Louder. She took in a gulp of air and a fire broke out across her chest. The monster’s jaw went slack, but Naru barely noticed. Each breath she took, her entire being felt heavier. Heavier. So much weight! So much pleasure, too much power! Her flimsy dress should not have been able to contain the glorious wonder expanding underneath, and yet - and yet it did! Somehow it did and she could not even begin to understand how it was possible. All she knew was that it felt good and she felt strong.

It stopped almost as quickly as it had begun, a few scant seconds that had felt like hours. Naru looked up at the monster, staring down at her slack jawed and she followed its line of sight. Yes, she concluded. Yes, they were rather magnificent. But for now her gaze drifted back up to the monster and whatever fear and intimidation she used to feel from it evaporated in the air.

“You like these?” she cooed, pressing her arms against the side of her new assets. “I like them as well. They’re so big and round and soft. I bet that you could just stand there and stare at them. All. Day. Long.”

The monster numbly nodded, his eyes glazing over. Naru gave him an enticing wink, and he collapsed to the ground with a goofy grin etched across his face.

For a moment Naru stared at the creature as it lay on the ground. That had been easy! Knocked out a brute that could’ve easily brought the building down on her head if he’d had half the inkling that -

Only then did the enormity of what she’d done hit her, and that confidence of a moment ago went the same way as her fear. Which made a rather dramatic return that caused her to crumple to her knees in shock. She’d beaten a monster all by herself. All by herself. No Sailor Scouts, no other monsters helping her out, no help of any sort at all. Except for this weird, perverted little book.

“Here, miss,” the friendly old man said. “Breathe into this. You must have had quite the shock.”

She took the proffered paper bag and did just that. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

“You did a very brave and foolish thing just now,” the old man said. “For that, I make two offers: First of all! You may keep the book.”

Naru stared up at him in shock. “N-no, I can pay-”

“It wouldn’t matter if you couldn’t,” the old man said. “The book has chosen you. It wants to go with you. Besides which, for stopping this big dumb brute, the least I can offer is to grant it to you for free. Alongside this advice: Do not misuse the knowledge that book imparts. If you ignore that much, then you must heed this warning: Do not expect all others you encounter to be as weak willed as this thing. It must be quite the pervert to fall so quickly. Others would require more work, and may even realise what you are doing.

“Though I do feel it prudent to repeat my first piece of advice. Do not misuse that book lest it misuse you. It will grant you the power and control you seek, but such things always come at a price.”

“Th-thank you,” Naru stammered, stumbling to her feet remarkably easily. She’d expected her figure enhancement to interfere in such a thing, but she’d managed it without even trying. “Ah! But I can’t go home like this!”

“You won’t have much of a choice, I’m afraid,” the old man sighed. “It is not easy to undo the alterations offered by this book… That is part of its cost. You will almost certainly have to live the rest of your life like that. If only I could read it, I could perhaps offer you a safe counterspell.”

“... You can’t read it?” Naru asked, genuinely confused. How did he know so much if he couldn’t read the book?

“Can’t even see it! No man or boy can. Once the two of you are done with each other, it will work its way back into my library, so don’t you worry if it goes missing one day. Run along now; your mother is sure to be worried. And so is that friend of yours. Usagi, isn’t it?”

How did he - Naru’s eyes lingered on a crystal ball clutched in his left hand, which showed a reflection of a certain building being turned back to normal, and backed away from the old wizard with a half smile on her face.

“Th-thanks a whole lot! I promise not to misuse it!”

Once she had left the shop, the wizard’s eyes took on a sad glint and he released a weary sigh as he pointed a wand at the monster. “That’s the trouble,” he said while the intruder burned to ash. “So did everyone else.”