It's a funny thing, what desperation does to a person. Upon realising exactly what hell she was inviting upon herself, Saten frantically sought to shift the blame further so she didn't get punched, or shocked, or whatever the hell else might be coming her way because she was being an idiot. To wit, she decided to offload things onto Uiharu before she even knew what she was doing.
Hey, don't blame her for that, this was a natural consequence of her current skillset. You know, ducking the blame? I suppose one could still blame her for that, but - Well, can you blame her for being scared out of her mind? Given how angry Misaka was being right now? Or Touma, for that matter?! Guhhh, these were not people to be on the bad side of!
But, you know... Uiharu, she could take it right? She was actually a ranked Esper. A member of Judgement, no less! Give her a 'secret villain' power... No, better than that! Make her 'secret villain that is perfect for being overcome by Touma and Misaka'! That way, you guarantee her eventual defeat at their hands! Play it right, and she'll not only take the blame, but -
"Oh, darn..." she kicked at her heels. She could have given herself a skill like that instead, couldn't she? Make it seem like she'd been mentally manipulated, or overcome by advanced technology, so it would take all the blame instead... that wouldn't even be far off from the truth. Oh well. At the very least, she could use this chance to maybe work out a way to clean up the mess she'd made. Minimise the harm, undo any damage she'd already done. Generally make up for things, you know? And since Uiharu would become the perfect, ultimate villain for the two of them to overcome, the situation would ultimately resolve itself perfectly, you know? What could possibly go wrong?
<i>"Hey, hey everyone! It's your girl, Uiharu here, with another status update!"</i>
"Oh, hey! Uiharu again!" Misaka said. Touma snatched her phone away yet again, holding it at arm's length. "Gimme!"
"No, dummy! Remember, something is making people into a super fan of hers, so don't -"
<i>"Today, I've decided on my favourite, bestest ships!"</i> Uiharu continued, and then, on the phone, an image of Touma himself appeared, next to a picture of a busty starry eyed girl holding a remote control. <i>"It's none other than Kamijou Touma and Shokuhou Misaki, otherwise known as Mental Out! Aren't they cute together?"</i>
"I'll kill her! I'll murder her, I'll - Gaaahhhhh!" Misaka yelled, electricity arching off her body, even as her breasts got bigger and bigger yet again. "Has she no taste?! That's a terrible ship! A horrible ship!"
<i>"And, of course, who could ever live without Misaka Mikoto and her adorable roomie, Shirai Kuroko!"</i>
"Death, death, deaaaaaath!" Misaka yelled, accusing finger pointing dramatically at the phone. "Traitor! Deceiver! How dare you spread such vicious hurtful thooooughts!"
"Ahahaha, calm down, calm down!" Touma said, patting her shoulder, and through that contact somehow returning her breasts to normal size. Which was fine. Just more points she could pump into Uiharu. "I don't really get this shipping culture personally, but it strikes me as all in good fun. Why don't you relax and - "
<i>"Oh, and to help facilitate my ship along, I'm running a giveaway!"</i> Uiharu continued. <i>"Whichever of my fans can provoke this illusion called love most convincingly, and set up either of these ships on a date, will receive a peck on the cheek by yours truly! Tee hee!"</i>
Evil! Truly evil! With the fanbase that she had at this point, Uiharu would be able to amass an army of shippers trying to set them up! Touma himself was going pale, and once again Saten realised that she'd gone a bit too far! Ahhhhh! If this is what it's like to have powers that warp reality, maybe she'd be better off without?! Who needs the stress? Who needs it?! Not her! Never her! Never ever again!
"We need to find her, right now!" Touma yelled. "Where the hell does she live!"
Saten gave her address without a second thought - oh, but! "Maybe she's at the Judgement offices instead?"
"Then we split up!" Misaka said, and the second she parted from him her breasts started to grow again. "Tsk! So annoying! Alright, fine! We're sticking together! Saten, find Kuroko and make her go to Judgement headquarters, pronto!"
=====
Uiharu flipped the camera off, and then her expression changed instantly. From warm, friendly and cuddly to cold, clinical and sinister. It was quite the personality swap for the girl, who was normally as innocent and pleasant as could be. Quite the switch indeed. She rose from her seat and strutted forward, which was quite the contrast to the flowers in her hair. Nearby, was one of the Sisters, who she still thought was Misaka behaving weirdly.
"And so, my sinister, wicked scheme begins," Uiharu cackled, though it came out like a puppy had just seen a squirrel. She sipped from the glass of water she'd been handed by the Sister, a single piece of ice floating in it. She swirled it around, enjoying the clink as it collided with the inside of the glass. "Soon, everyone in the city will set sail upon the good ship Uiharu - and shall begin their rightful journey upon a relation-ship!"
She tittered evilly at her own joke while the Sister stared on in mute confusion, yet also fangirlish appreciation.
"That's the thing, you see. Unscientific people talk about 'soul mates' all the time." Of course, such unscientific methods and ideas were truly beneath her notice. "Nonetheless, don't you think everyone would be happier if they all got together with their one true love?"
She asked this to one of the Sisters, by the way. You know. One of the almost ten thousand clones of Misaka that all exist in a sort of semi-gestalt. The idea of them having a one true love - Oh, okay, it's Touma. They all have a crush on Touma. Because of course they do. Why wouldn't they?
"I don't understand why, exactly, everyone is obsessing over me all of a sudden," Uiharu said, putting her hand on her hip and continuing to swirl around her icey water. Like a villainess would. "However, since it has happened, I absolutely must make the best of it! I shall ship, and ship away! Starting with those two!"
"Would it not make more sense to ship Touma with Misaka, Misaka ponders enviously?" the Sister asked.
"Oh, Misaka, that's adorable," Uiharu tittered. "I ran the numbers, I crunched them carefully. If I pair the two of you up, then who would Misaki and Kuroko be shipped with?" She stopped for a moment to think about that. "Then again... Poor Saten is left out too, isn't she? I should set her up with someone. Oh, who can she be paired up with? I don't want it to feel like I'm pairing the spares when it comes to my friends!" Let's see... could she maybe pair her up with Juufuko Miho? Yes, that sounded good! A nice, loving yuri relationship! It would be soooo cute!
"This shall be known as... the Sailing Ships plan!" Uiharu declared, with all the enthusiasm of a board director announcing their newest sinister scheme, or a magician plotting the downfall of Academy City. Yes, indeed, a true villain through and through.
"It is an obvious, cute, and fanworthy delusion, observed Misaka," the Sister said. "As for Index, Misaka has determined a way to bring her to you in spite of her supernatural level of cuteness. Misaka requested permission to inform Uiharu of this plan, moments before a cat mysteriously licked them both."
"A cat...?" Uiharu asked, and then the two of them did indeed get their faces licked clean by a cat that was at least ten miles away. "Ew! Yuck! Look, never mind that, if you think it will work then please bring me that adorable nun! Pronto! I'm going to ship myself with he~er..."
As if Touma didn't have enough motivation to get to her and shatter her illusions... albeit, these illusions weren't exactly her own, now were they?
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