Story: Mercury Tendo

 

 We rejoin our Youma General on the prowl for more energy, having been left a bit baffled by one Tatewaki Kuno. It seems that humans and youma alike are left prey to this buffoons, ahem, bizarre antics.

Nonetheless, he had planted a seed that should grow into further energy down the line. The best thing to do was to keep on putting his best foot forward. Gather more energy a little at a time. Play the innocent, play the helpful, rebuild your strength a little at a time while sapping it away from the locals, and eventually you will be strong enough to face them again. And, apparently, their successors.

That was a bit troubling to learn. Other girls had been seen around wearing the same attire as those troublesome do-gooders! A new team, no doubt to replace what had been before, to vanquish new evils, etc.

Perhaps it would do him well to scout out the current generation of evil. Form an alliance? Perhaps not. That is the trouble with being evil, quite often you get stabbed in the back by those ostensibly on your side. Though... If he was being perfectly honest with himself he'd probably stab them in the back, steal all their energy, hijack any plans they had going and generally make a power play.

You know, it felt like he was on the verge of an important, nay, essential epiphany about why he and his allies were so thoroughly crushed by those girls. Oh well. It would come to him at a later time, he was sure.

More to the point it was time for him to continue doing what he loved to do so much. Corrupt and twist youthful love into his own benefit. Drain energy through potent love charms! The best, the very finest strategy for energy retrieval he had yet considered! This time around, he would sell humble plants, simple bamboo leaves along with cards. Both magically enchanted, such that any couple that wrote their name on them would, so long as the cards were attached to the leaves, become a loving couple for the rest of their lives.

Of course, if something happened like, say, the card ending up on someone else's leaves, well, that would be disastrous for the couple. It would still drain energy though. Unrequited love is still quite nourishing, kukuku!

"Ah, young miss! Young mister!" he said, rubbing his hands with glee as his first customers came along. A young boy wearing his hair in a pigtail, alongside a girl that struck him as the tomboyish sort. "Would you like to write your names on one of these cards? I'm trying to get my business started, you see, but it seems that nobody believes me! One or two free samples to demonstrate to the public it works as advertised, and I believe that this should sell like hot cakes! Would a young couple like you help a poor vendor out by sampling his wares and spreading the word?"

Yes, that's right. He was going to ask them to pay him in exposure. This should tip off anyone with an ounce of common sense that something was amiss. Something is not given away for free for nothing! However, so many people aren't smart enough to recognise this simple fact. This made it a truly insidious tactic, make it seem like a marketing ploy to mask his true motives. Kukuku! It was the perfect plan, nothing could go -

"Huh?" the girl asked. "Shouldn't those sort of bamboo leaves normally be sold at Tanabata?"

An eye twitch hit the youma. Right. He'd been so swept up in the idea that he hadn't noticed this obvious flaw in the plan. Bamboo leaves like this, charms like this, were very Tanabata themed, weren't they?

"Yes, well, that's why I'm trying to get the word out early," the youma said.

"Nine months early," the boy flatly said. "So, what exactly is this meant to be anyway? Some sort of charm to make sure your wishes are granted?"

"I'm glad you asked!" because it led into the sales pitch. That's always the reason a salesman says that sort of comment. Always. It lets them get away from a thread of conversation they really do not want to have. "A young couple writes their names on a card - one name each - then puts it on their own personal set of bamboo leaves. For as long as the cards with their names are attached to those leaves, they shall be happy and content lovers, showering each other in regular affection..."

The mood had shifted. The two of them were staring blankly at him, as if he'd spontaneously grown a horse on top of his head, wrestled it to the ground and forced it to learn Spanish against its will.

"Ranma and I aren't a couple," the girl said.

"Yeah," Ranma (apparently) nodded. "Akane's old man was friends with mine."

"Oh, don't be shy! You make such a cute couple!"

Now they were staring at him as though he had, upon finishing teaching that horse Spanish, dressed it up like a matador and forced it to duel a sentient, rabid cabbage while charging spectators for the privilege.

"Eh, whatever!" Ranma shrugged. "A guy like me doesn't need some weird love charm to get a girlfriend anyway."

"Pft!" Akane scoffed. "With that kind of attitude, a charm might help."

Ranma flexed a muscle. "Heh, girls can't stop staring, so I don't know what you're talking about."

"When the weather's right, boys can't stop staring either."

Was he missing something here? Apparently Ranma had found that remark particularly cutting, from the way he was staring at her. Akane, on the other hand, seemed to find it a bit amusing.

"You know, this side of you is really uncute," Ranma said. "Maybe you should take the leaves and trick some boy into writing their name on a card?"

"Please, as if it even works!" Akane scoffed. "It's a blatant placebo effect. The only people that would use this sort of charm are couples already going out, it's a pointless romantic gesture with no real impact on their emotional state."

"No, actually, it works..." the youma protested, but somehow he couldn't muster the strength. It felt like the two of them were on a roll now, and nothing he could do might stop it now. "It really does work..." he pathetically added.

"Oh yeah?" Ranma asked. "You know full well that magic exists. What about me and pop, you've seen our curses!"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I'll believe in everything that randomly pops up." Akane laughed a little at the apparent absurdity of the situation. "I mean, really. Would you be trying to tell me that vampires are real?" Yes, actually they are, and they're not very nice to deal with. "Or perhaps little green men from outer space?" Yes, they existed as well, in fact he had personally witnessed some of the Outer Senshi obliterate a particularly careless flying saucer approaching Earth that had been packed to the gills with little green men. "Oh, while we're at it, why don't we investigate the Illuminati? Obviously there's a real secret organisation that runs the world." Actually there was, but once again, it had been busted by the Sailor Senshi before they could enact the final stage of their centuries long scheme. "Honestly Ranma, if you go around believing any old nonsense you'll be taken in for sure."

"B-but I'm offering you this for free!" he once again tried to interject, but it seemed that the two of them really were too far into this to pay him even a lick of attention. "Just write your names on these cards! You'll see right away that it works!"

"You know, I bet you've never even been on a date!" Ranma said. "You wouldn't know what to do, right? I bet you only know the stuff you'd read about in books, never actually been out with a boy."

"Oh, changing the topic now, how mature!" Akane shot back. "On that note, I bet you've never been on a date with a girl either! Would not know the first thing to do!"

"Oh yeah?" Ranma said, but with that slight twinge of hesitation in his voice that betrayed that, no, he had not actually been on a date before. "Well, why don't we see which of us is better on a date!"

"Please, just take the bamboo..."

"You're on, buster! I'll meet you at the front gate in two hours. Make sure to dress up nice! That's the only freebie I'm giving you!"

And then, they had that sort of awkward situation where an intense conversation ended, but they both quickly realised they were heading in the same direction anyway. All the youma could do was watch them leave in utter disbelief. What the hell was that?! Those two weren't as weird as that Kuno guy, but even so! It was sort of like, they were both kind of into each other already but neither had the emotional maturity to actually admit it. Or something?

...

"Ah, shoot! I could've fed from their mutual frustration!" That would've given him plenty of energy to feed from! Oh, blast. Too late now. He'd have to try to sell to another customer like - Like the big stupid looking panda that was coming this way. "No, no! Shoo! Bad panda! Not for you!" the youma warned. "This bamboo is not for eating!"

The panda then held up a sign. "Does this really work?" read the sign. He flipped it over. "Would it cause two idiots to fall in love?"

"There you are, Mister Panda!" a girl's voice boomed down the street. The panda's fur suddenly stood on end. "You're not getting away from me this time! I still don't know where you hid inside that bath house, but now that Minako Aino has you in her sights once again, she's not letting go!"

Cue one panda being chased down the street by a leggy blonde. All the youma could do was watch them rush off, the panda carrying one of the bamboo leaves in his paw.

"Was everyone around here always this crazy, or am I only noticing it now?" the youma asked nobody in particular. Mystery of the age, right there.