In a bad situation if you find yourself asking the question "how can this possibly get worse" do yourself a favour and punch yourself in the mouth. There. The situation is a little worse, and fate didn't have to roll its sleeves up to take up your challenge.
"Aiyah! Happosai is free!" Shampoo yelped, pointing away from Ranma. That is a pretty good answer to the question of 'how could it get worse'. Adding Happosai into the mix usually does the trick. When everyone turned to look in that direction, Shampoo slipped right on over to Ranma, whiping the blindfold off -
"Hold it right there!" Ukyo yelled, putting her spatula right in Ranma's face. Blocking his view of anyone else. "What do you think you're up to!"
She passed the blindfold back to Ranma, who begrudgingly took it and tied it over his eyes again. "Yeah, whatever. I had my eyes closed anyhow."
"You should still be more careful, idiot!" Ukyo yelled.
"Who asked you?!"
Ranma pushed the spatula aside and stormed off onto the beach, eyes fully covered, taking no heed of anyone else. Doing a surprisingly good job of dodging them all though.
"Ranma! You ungrateful boy! Take a look at your fiance!" Genma yelled, trying to tug the blindfold off again while Soun pushed Akane in front of him. Akane flicked her badge out, making her dad back down, while Ranma simply punted his into the horizon.
"Ugh! Get lost, the lot of you!"
And off he went, rushing off onto the beach. Akane couldn't blame him. While Ranma liked being the centre of attention, it was only when he did something cool. Being under the permanent effect of a love spell? Definitely not cool!
"Ranma, wait! You can't just wear that forever!"
"Watch me!"
Akane's heart sank watching him run off like this. Especially when she thought of a new scenario.
"What if you turn into a girl and see some strange -"
Almost as soon as she said that, Ranma bumped into a guy who spilled his drink all over him. Turning him into a girl. Then he gasped, apologised, and the blindfold fell off because it was wet.
Oh no. Oh no! That strange boy was about to find himself the centre of the most complicated romantic situation in history! Akane rushed forward, as did Ukyo and Shampoo, to check on the damage. Ranma, oh no! Not like this! Not like -
"Blegggh!" Ranma stuck her tongue out at the three of them. "Had my eyes closed anyway, do you think I'm a complete idiot? Where's that blindfold anyway?"
Shampoo lunged forward regardless with a kettle in her hand and a finger extended, for one of those freaky shiatsu techniques no doubt. Something to make Ranma open her eyes. Akane threw a kick that she flowed around like water, while Ukyo took aim with her spatula, which Shampoo kicked away.
But Ranma wasn't merely standing there idly. She kicked up the sand at her feet, yelled "Saotome Secret Technique! Retreat of the Sandworm!"
A sand cloud formed in the air, making the girls (and that one boy who had stuck around for the same reason people stop to look at a train wreck) cough and sputter - and by the time it cleared, as limited as it was, Ranma had vanished like a thief in the night.
"Hrmph, stupid lesbian girls stop Shampoo from getting airen," Shampoo huffed.
"You mean, binding him to you via love spell!" Akane countered. "Ukyo, we can't let Shampoo be the one that Ranma sees! It'd be better if it was one of us."
"Fat chance!" Ukyo said. "We're gonna find some other way to deal with this. Got it? No matter how Ranchan feels about me right now, I ain't passing him off to some chick who can only get him because of a spell!"
Oh, that was really cool. Despite being a girl - sort of - Ukyo was quite manly when she wanted to be. Which only made Akane feel more and more excited at the sight of her. The only problem now was how the hell they were supposed to deal with a girl as talented and dangerous as Shampoo.
<hr>
Ranma was not moping. Guys don't mope. She was just sitting in a secluded spot of the beach, hugging her knees and trying really hard not to think about the situation she was in. Life, huh? Didn't that mean the second she saw some chick that would be it? For life? Bah! How embarrassing. He wasn't ready to settle down. Get married. Raise a family. Any of that nonsense. Ranma Saotome still had to perfect her martial arts! Still had to get better ,still had to get stronger, still had a lot to learn. Didn't have time for that romantic bullshit.
Still. This was the situation he was in. For the rest of his life. If he kept this blindfold on for the rest of his life, the pill wouldn't have any sort of effect. If he went for Shampoo... Blegh, no thanks, way too clingy. If he went with Akane, she'd make fun of him. Definitely take advantage to make him do all sorts of weird things.
Which left her with... what? One of the other Tendo sisters? Some other chick? No, that didn't feel right. Honestly, she didn't <i>want</i> to make the choice. She'd been ignoring it. Putting it off. Looks like the piper was calling for payment a bit sooner than expected.
It seemed as though his choice was made for her, then. She couldn't stick around with eyes closed or covered forever -
A point which someone sure seemed to agree with, because Ranma felt something poking the back of her head at the same time that hot water was poured over her - and on reflex not only did her eyes open, but she judo tossed the person doing it right into the nearby water. Though this did wind up taking him in with them, making this probably the shortest time between the curse being undone and redone that Ranma had yet experienced.
"Alright who the heck is the wise - "
And suddenly Ranma was looking at Shampoo. Not human form Shampoo. No, no. honestly that was something Ranma liked way less than that. This was Shampoo's cursed form. Her cat form. A cute little kitty, with a little purplish tuft of fur.
You do know that Ranma is deathly afraid of cats, right?
"Mew!" Shampoo, ahem, mewled. Then instinctively clung onto Ranma's hair. Which wasn't exactly the wisest course of action, given what happened next.
<hr>
Alright, so Ukyo wasn't in the best of moods right now. That Shampoo chick was sorta right. It would've been easy. Too easy. Shove Ranma off onto her, then shack up with Akane. Everyone wins. Except the guy that might be a bit of a jerk. That is to say, a massive suspicious jerk. But one that didn't deserve to be thoroughly mindfucked to be head over heels with a manipulative chick like that.
Honestly, Ukyo had known Shampoo for less than a day but already she sort of reminded her of Genma's worst impulses. Willing and able to do whatever it took to get what she wanted. Besides. It would make Akane sad.
On the other hand it wasn't exactly a great idea to let Ranma see Akane right now either.
<i>”Ukyo!” Akane would say, one hand over her eyes. “I may love you, but how can I abandon Ranma like this? He is bound to me for life, my love. So I have no choice but to take care of him to the end of his life!
“I love you Akane!” Ranma said, dressed like an idol Otaku and waving a big poster of Akane in his hands. “I love you so much I won’t be able to breathe without you telling me!”</i>
It would be the <b>worst.</b>
"We'd better hurry," Akane said. "Shampoo got a huge lead on us. I still don't get how she's tracking him, I can't see any footprints."
"What're we gonna do when we do find him?" Ukyo asked. "Her. Whatever. You know, you could probably use your badge to -"
"Can't stop him falling in love," Akane said. "Only genital stuff."
Right. That authority was pretty powerful, but it had its limits. A love pill like this was tangential to its jurisdiction - but still outwith it.
"I ain't letting him see you," Ukyo said.
"It's the best choice we have right now."
"I know, but..." It was still the worst choice for Ukyo. Ugh! This whole thing was a mess of ethics and she always hated that sort of bullshit! How could this possibly get any worse.
Fate put down its coffee, steepled its hands, and waited a moment to see if Ukyo would smack herself in the mouth. Then it cracked its knuckles, snapped its fingers and -
"Caaaaaaaaaat!"
Behold, ailurophobia, in all its horror and glory. A pretty girl was rushing down the beach with a cute cat dangling off her pigtail, her expression as if she had beheld the very spectre of death playing cards with a couple of Great Old Ones. Just chilling out in the middle of an Escher painting.
“What the everloving fuck?” Ukyo said at the sight.
"Oh no! Stop her before she sees a boy!" Akane yelled.
Right! Ukyo rushed forward, as she was slightly ahead of Akane, and quickly used several throwing spatulas to pin Ranma's limbs to the sand. Didn't stop the girl's screaming. That only happened when Akane punted the cat into the ocean. Which felt like a bit of wanton animal cruelty, really.
"You okay?" Ukyo asked, leaning down to check on the trembling Ranma. Hah! Kinda cute like this, all helpless and vulnerable. Ranma, meanwhile, blinked a few times and her vision sorta... centred on Ukyo. As in, really centred. Like, the way that the solar system has the sun in the middle. That kind of centred. As if a force stronger than gravity - okay, that's not actually saying much but you get the idea - had pulled Ranma's line of sight right onto Ukyo, and nothing could possibly move it.
"Eeeeeeh, you're so cute!" Ranma girlishly tittered, batting her eyelashes at Ukyo. "Why did I not see it before? I'm yours for life, Ukyo Kuonji!"
Both Akane and Ukyo reacted as if they had just lost a staring challenge with Medusa. During which time, Ranma had managed to free her arms and embraced Ukyo around the back of the head.
"Uh... You have a penis right now..." Akane creakily, slowly said. "So... maybe that's enough... for the spell to count you as a boy? And she's a girl, so...?"
“Didn’t you give her a dick like this too!?” Ukyo whimpered.
“Well I didn’t take away anything…” Akane said. "I guess the spell is confused because... Interacting magic works weirdly?"
"Oh, Akane, didn't see you there!" Ranma said. "Listen, listen, I've just had a great idea! Why don't the three of us have an open relationship! You can be with Uchan, and so can I! I'll be her husband, and you can be her wife!"
Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. Exactly what she needed. Another complication in their relationship. How was she going to deal with this mess?!
- It doesn't resolve, this is their life now.
- Turns out it was actually the day pill, not the life pill. Cue humiliated Ranma the next day.
- Same as two, but let's be real, some smut is coming first.
- Akane makes creative use of her authority to break the spell. That surely won't have consequences.
- Something else
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