Story: Urusei Yatsura Role Reversal

"Oh, you are just hopeless!"

A pretty, young, green-haired human girl reeled back her hand and slapped the taste out of her handsome, tall, stupid human boyfriend. Then she stormed off, while he barely seemed to acknowledge her.

"All you care about is your stomach!" she yelled. No response. "There's nothing going on upstairs at all! Honestly!"

Still no reaction. Lum Invader looked back at her boyfriend, Rei. This was <i>supposed</i> to be an after-school date - hence the reason they were still in school uniform - but the instant they walked by that bakery owned by Ran's family - Boom! Lost in his own little world. Pressed up against the glass, drooling over bread and cakes.

It wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the flake of straw <i>after</i> that. Lum turned up her nose and stalked off down the street. It was kind of funny. Any other girl at school would have rather chewed through their own arm than give up on a date with a hunk like that, but that's all he was. Just a big, dumb jock who could somehow stuff his stomach and have it all turn into rippling muscles. His anatomy should be studied by scientists because that wasn't normal!

"Look out!"

Then for no good reason at all a bucket landed on her head. Lum stumbled to the side in surprise, stepped on a dropped piece of fish just as she was pulling the bucket off, and landed face down in a puddle with an almighty whimper.

"The Bad Luck Babe strikes again," tsked a familiar voice. Lum looked up. There was a girl on a bike looking over her, strapped head to toe in tight, shiny leather. Her best friend/gaming rival Benten. "One of the prettiest chicks in Tomobiki, but you can't catch a break. Trouble flies to you like you were magnetised." A hand was offered, then taken and Lum was pulled up to her feet. "Kinda makes you wonder which lucky god you pissed off."

"Tch! Are you going to sit there expositing all day or give me a ride back home?"

Benten scooted forward to give her some room, and Lum planted her butt on the seat. Then jumped.

"Kya! Your bike shocked me!"

"That's your fault. You're always getting static off something."

Lum wanted to protest, but then a bug flew in her mouth. Taking her silence as a sign to go, Benten took off with Lum holding on for dear sweet life.

"Take it the date with Rei didn't go great?" Benten asked. "Kept telling ya. The guy's a pig, and not in the fun way." Lum gagged on the fly. "Hey, don't be like that. Cut loose with the right guy and you can have a lot of fun with him."

Benten was probably right about that. Trouble was her luck with guys was, well, as good as her luck with just about everything else. Rei was nuclear hot to look at but all he cared about was getting his belly stuffed. A little affection and he'd be a decent boyfriend. Was that too much to ask for? Just a little bit of affection. A kiss. Holding hands. A hug. Being told she was pretty. Yes, yes, it sounded shallow, but...

Benten screeched to a halt and Lum lurched forward. Huh? They weren't home yet, were they? This was still the edge of the street where she lived and -

Whoa.

"Lot of guys in black suits wandering around these parts..." Benten mused. "Always told Oyuki, you can play it cool all ya want, but don't ya mess around with the stock market like that. Just inviting trouble."

Lum leaned forward and tilted Benten's head upwards. She made a noise Lum had never heard her make before, but under the circumstances all she could really do was agree. Vehemently. An inarticulate scream of surprise, fear and the revelation that we are not alone in the universe does rather seem like an excellent way to express oneself at the sight of a flying saucer hovering directly above one's home.

"Aliens!" Lum gasped once she'd finished screaming.

"Yeah," Benten quietly agreed. "Aliens. Huh. How's about that?"

"What do you suppose they want?"

"Dunno. Could be anything. They're aliens, right? Kinda means they don't think like us by definition."

To that, Lum could only mutely nod. Amazing. Wonderful! She was about to meet life from an alien planet. A civilisation wise enough to develop interstellar flight, capable of locating intelligent life on the planet Earth. It was breathtaking. A once-in-a-lifetime experience the likes of which would surely change the course of human history.

She could hardly wait to see what these wise, mature beings from another world were like.

<hr>
"Don't wanna!"

Ataru sat above his bed in a complete huff. Arms folded across his chest. Nose turned up indignantly. "Don't wanna!" he protested again, ignoring his father and his mother too.

Said father took up half the room, while his mother was only a little taller than he was. The entire family were wearing full-body jumpsuits with a familiar tiger print.

"That's just like you," his father's voice boomed throughout the room. "Dearest, what did we do to deserve such a disobedient son?"

"I wish we'd never had him," his mother sniffed. And they wondered why he was so disobedient?

"It's a dumb idea!" Ataru protested. "Dumb, dumb, dumb! You're just gonna threaten some whole world unless some chick marries me? That is insane! You know I'm not a one woman guy!"

"That's the problem!" his mother yelled. "You hit on damn near every girl you meet! Even your childhood friend Shinobu isn't safe from your lecherous gaze!"

Heh. Ataru ran his hands down his jumpsuit, feeling the six pack underneath. Yeah. She hated being looked at like that, at first. Until he asked her out on a date. Then she melted like chocolate. A couple more dates and he'd have his first real addition to his harem, and he wouldn't want it to be anyone but Shinobu.

"According to our calculations, this earth girl Lum is the one with the highest chance of making you settle down," his father proclaimed. As if that was supposed to change his mind. "Does that not make you curious, son? What sort of woman could have that effect on a transparent playboy such as yourself?"

You know. Put that way, it did kind of make him wonder. Surely it wasn't possible for him to be satisfied with just one girl, no matter how hot she was? Ataru looked at the monitor. Pretty, yeah. Nice enough body hidden underneath a plain, boring dress. Would look way hotter in the bikinis the unmarried Oni women wore, or that kinky chainmail bikini the Lucky Gods favoured.

"Earth girls are boring!" Ataru turned up his nose. "Not doing it, and there's absolutely no way you can -"

<hr>
"Hi, I'm Ataru," sighed the strangely handsome, fit alien listlessly hovering towards the ceiling. "In order to save the Earth you must agree to. Be. My. Girlfriend."

Well then, Lum thought. This was not the direction she was expecting things to go today. In point of fact this seemed like the best possible time for her to have a nap on the floor for a little while to give her brain sometimetoprocessthis down I go.

1. How was Ataru persuaded to go along with this arrangement?
2. The next day, the happy couple go on their first date.
3. Continue negotiations between humankind and the Oni.
4. What does Shinobu make of this?
5. Something else