Story: Code Gee-Ass, A Code Geass Porn Parody

"It is my ever-humble observation that Lelouch Lamperouge is an ass man."

Shirley nearly choked on her muffin. Nina pulled her chair away just a little bit as if pretending not to be with the other two girls, while Milly herself simply relaxed in her seat, one leg crossed over the other and head inclined back in a way that put emphasis on her, quite frankly, terrific chest. A couple of boys walking by dropped off what they were saying mid-conversation, then both of them walked directly into a wall. Milly pulled a notepad out from... Somewhere and put two tally marks on a page headed with that day's date. There were about twenty other marks already.

"M-Milly, do you even mind?!" Shirley gasped for air. "Where did that even come from? Honestly, you are such a dirty old man! Why would anyone even care about that sort of thing?" The swimmer huffed, crossed her arms and sat down. In her head Milly counted off the seconds. Five, four, three, two... "So, why do you think that anyway?"

Nina moved her chair away a little further. Milly grinned and leaned down on the table as if to whisper conspiratorially to her friend and fellow council member. Behind Shirley, a trio of girls caught sight of Milly's chest pressing against the table, and then one of them walked right into a parked bike. "Every boy has things that they like more than other things," Milly said, pulling out her notebook again and, to her mild annoyance, putting merely one mark on the page. "If you watch where they're looking, you can generally tell what they like without them saying a word."

"...And Lelouch has been looking at..." Shirley said at her normal speaking volumes, then trailed off and, as quietly as she ever said anything in her life, finished with "heinie?"

"Booty," Milly declared without a care in the world. "Butt. Gluteus maximus. Ass! Ass! Ass!"

By this point Nina had suddenly remembered there was a book she wanted to check out of the library and had taken the opportunity to retrieve it.

"Milly! Do you have no shame?!"


"Yep, but I've got a reputation as the hot, pervy chick to maintain! Anyway, that previous question. You know that Lelouch is the most wanted guy in school, right? Girls are always throwing themselves at him. All I had to do was watch his eyeline and, hey, presto! His preference is definitely ass."

By this point Shirley was looking a little sunburned in the face. Or at least that would be her excuse if anyone asked. "Why even bring that up?"

"Because if, say, a nice girl wanted to seduce him, that sort of thing might be useful information," Milly suggested. "Wear a cute skirt, draw attention to her perfect-ten booty and let the magic happen."

Shirley twitched nervously. Threw up her arms. Then walked off. Milly reclined in her seat, watching the girl step furiously away, keeping a close eye on that aforementioned perfect-ten figure. Yep. If that girl applied herself she'd be getting all the action she wanted from a certain prince in hiding.

And if he did pass up the chance to tap that? Then Lelouch really was an ass.

<hr>
Lelouch was really feeling like an ass at that moment in time. It had been such a simple plan for the day. He and Rivalz would skip mid-day classes, head over to a chess game, humiliate a nobleman during a wager, take the cash and skedaddle before the nobleman thought to use his considerable wealth, resources and clout to squash them like bugs.

That part went exactly as planned. They got their money. He got to see a nobleman panic. Walked calmly and coolly out of the room with cash in account. All good. All swimmingly. Then it all hit the fan when a truck crashes and he decides to play good samaritan.

"Stop, Elevens!"

Turns out they were terrorists. Now it was Lelouch's turn to panic.

He smoothed a hand through his hair and sighed while thinking through his situation. "If I try to leave, the military will shoot me. If I'm caught by the drivers, they'll either shoot me or take me as a hostage. And if they take me as a hostage, everyone will find out who I really am."

Well, "panic" is such a strong word. Perturbed, not really seeing a way out of his situation... <i>Panic</i> would be if he suddenly realised he was responsible for death on a massive scale or, worse, his sister Nunnally had fallen out of her wheelchair.

The only course of action available to him was, unfortunately, to stay hidden until an opportunity opened up for him to get the hell out of here. It was a little peculiar. Some sort of container, not like any he'd ever seen before. Securely fastened. No obvious means of opening it or examining the contents. However it did provide the perfect place to hide in case the terrorists -

The door to the front of the truck opened. Lelouch held his breath and lurked in the shadows. A girl stepped out. She looked familiar. And cross. She was wearing a goofy, official-looking white cap that she tossed aside, and a thick-looking white jumpsuit.

"Damn Britannians," the girl hissed angrily. She stomped forward, grasping the top of her jumpsuit's zip. "Ugh, why do the Glasgow cockpits have to be so hot?"

A funny thing happened to the passing of time in those few moments. Perhaps because the sight before his eyes began to engrave itself into his memory. All that happened in real time was the terrorist girl unzipping the jumpsuit, stepping out of it and then climbing a ladder. However. The experience Lelouch had was a little bit different.

With the hat out of the way he could see the girl's face. Pretty. Gorgeous, actually. Her expression carried a fire, a passion that threatened to ignite anything it looked upon. The zip came down a little bit and the jumpsuit pulled off her shoulders. They were bare. They were also rather splendid. Not a blemish on her skin. The same fact would remain true and consistent as the experience went on.

The zip reached her navel. By now it was clear the girl was wearing a tube top underneath her jumpsuit. That made sense. It was a hot day. The jumpsuit was presumably a necessary disguise. That did nothing to mitigate the perfection of her figure, or the thought that hiding such a thing must surely be a crime. When the jumpsuit slid off her arms and down her splendid legs, Lelouch was still holding his breath; although that was due in part to hiding, it was also because he was finding himself enraptured by the beauty in front of him.

More so when he caught sight of the booty shorts she was wearing. Nice and tight. Leaving nothing, or close to it, to the imagination. Now. One might think that time would resume once the jumpsuit was deposited and her body was rather on full display. No. Naive. Now she was climbing the ladder. In real time, quickly and deliberately. In Lelouch's memory, each and every rung was inscribed in stone. Lifting the leg, shifting weight, planting the foot, repeat with the other side.

Around his head he imagined a trio of Millys sitting at a judge's booth, each one holding up a perfect ten. He had to fidget in his seat. That girl was a total babe, and even someone who did not actively seek out attention from the opposite sex would have to see objectively that she was hot, hot, hot!

She was also a terrorist. Which made the erection just a little bit less comfortable than it usually would be. Lelouch took a deep breath and tried to control it. This was why he didn't date. His family, the Royal Family of the Holy Britannian Empire, were renowned horndogs. His dad fucked anyone pretty enough to merit attention, his siblings were either shameless playboys or  maneaters. The flavours they took varied from individual to individual, but his family had no trouble at all getting some action, and even he had some trouble keeping it in his trousers.

Also: Where on earth was she going, anyway?

"A Slash Harken! That's a Knightmare!"

"That's right, Britannians! We can fight back!"

Ah. So she was an idiot, too. If she was bringing out a Knightmare, that meant the military would be getting involved. And if the military was involved, she would get herself and every single person around her killed as well.

Including him.

<hr>
Prince Clovis was a pervert. There really wasn't much question of this particular fact. Yet here he was. Dumbfounded. Awed. It had taken him a little while to put the pieces together, but Suzaku Kururugi was now completely certain of this fact. Why?

"What're you looking at, Honorary scum?"

"Nothing, ma'am," he smartly answered, very deliberately maintaining eye contact with the Royal Guard commander standing in front of him. She wasn't making this easy for him. Everything about her gave off what he thought of as a dominant outlook, let's put it that way. Her uniform was maybe a size too small. She kept on whacking a riding crop into her open palm. You know. Little touches like that.

"Oh, nothing?" the commander replied, getting right into his face. She was a tall woman, so this meant that it was more like he was getting into her chest. "These don't impress you? These don't intimidate you? Someone is in desperate need of discipline."

What else could he do but gulp and pray?

"But that can wait until after the mission." She pulled away and addressed the lot of them. "Alright, Honoraries! You were born Elevens, so the stench should be familiar. Some terrorists have stolen an experimental aphrodisiac gas, and are threatening to release it. Your mission is to retrieve it. Whoever finds it first might even get a special reward."

Now, that kind of motivation might have worked on pretty much everyone else there, but Suzaku was professional enough that he would not be swayed by the offer of sex. He was doing his job. That was the only thing that mattered. He arrived in the ghetto and immediately began sweeping the area for any sign of the target. He would search high and he would search low. He would run for miles, give no quarter and ask for none. He would push his body to the limits, tax his physical might in every possible way if that was what it took to locate the target!

Or he could have been deployed within about five feet of it. Lucky break!

"Don't move!" he yelled at the figure rising up behind the container. They turned around. So he kicked them in the face and got on top of them. Pinned the bastard to the ground.

"Wait! I'm not with them!"

"Save it for the courts," Suzaku spat. "Bunch of perverts, what were you planning on doing with..." He trailed off. "Lelouch? Is that you?"

At the sound of his name the boy stopped squirming. Suzaku took his helmet off.

"Suzaku?" Lelouch asked. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now."

From his position on top of his friend, Suzaku felt a little something poking him that did rather indicate he might well be quite a lot happier than expected. He declined to comment upon it and instead got off - Or rather, stood up. Yes. That was the better way to think of it.

"Ah..." Lelouch realised, probably by watching Suzaku's facial expression. "While I was hiding in their van I saw one of the terrorists. She was rather... Splendid."

"Must be to get you excited," Suzaku remarked. "So you were hiding. You're not with them?"

Lelouch shook his head. "They crashed. I didn't know who they were. I tried to help and fell in when they drove off. They didn't know I was there."

"If I didn't know how good a liar you were, I would not have believed that," Suzaku sighed. "You had better get out of here before -"

The container opened. Ah. Oh, dear. Oh, <i>dear</i>! The terrorists had done it now! They'd released an industrial-grade concentrated aphrodisiac into a ghetto! Without thought or care for his own libido, Suzaku immediately tackled Lelouch to the ground and slapped a mask on his mouth, then wondered why everyone kept shipping them when they were both clearly straight.

Turned out his noble sacrifice was rather pointless. Not just because he was, you know, trying to protect his friend from becoming even more aroused rather than saving his life. The only kind of mask in the world that could have prevented that from happening would be something that completely covered the eyes. Because in the pod, there was... A girl. Her hair was a bright and vibrant green, and she was bound up in a straightjacket that clung to her body like duct tape. If duct tape became clear when damp.

Weird thing, too. For some reason Suzaku was imagining a trio of the same pretty, stacked blonde girl wearing a sort of light pastel blazer holding up cards with the number "ten" on them, and wiping away a nosebleed.

<i>Well, well!</i> said a voice inside his head. <i>Aren't the two of you simply adorable? Hug each other a little tighter, mmm... That's the good stuff.</i>

"Huh?" Lelouch gasped. He pushed the gas mask away from his mouth to talk more clearly. "Did you... Say something? Who are you?"

<i>Oh, I'm nobody special,</i> the voice answered. <i>Just a typical, perfectly ordinary sex genie bound to give you both your hearts' true desire. No, not that. No, not that either. It's the same thing everyone wants in the end. Sex. Sex. And more sex.</i>

"Lelouch?" Suzaku asked. "You ever suddenly realise the day has not gone anything like what you were expecting?" The black-haired boy nodded, for once lost for words. "And then realise it's going to go even more off the rails in ways you cannot hope to predict?" Another nod. "Didn't think we'd meet up again like this. Got to be honest."

1. C.C. the sex demon gives the boys what they want.
2. C.C. gives one or both of them a supernatural power.
3. Suddenly royal guardswomen!
4. Kallen returns to the truck.
5. Something else