Earlier this morning Ranma had thought himself doing Akane a favour. Pretend to be her hunky, handsome boyfriend. Get the creeps to leave her alone. Now? It was a life preserver. For what reason?
"Date with me, Ranma Saotome!"
"I'm a guy!"
"True love knows no boundaries!"
"Ew, no!"
Now, that might seem a little bit homophobic. Not especially sensitive to those whose romantic interests tend towards the same sex. But, as Ranma fled with tremendous mortal terror, we must consider this young man's plight, and realise that it is not really coming from a place of hatred or intolerance. No, no. Not really. Think about it like this.
On a daily basis, Ranma Saotome is sometimes a boy. Sometimes he is a girl. Most of the time he would choose to be a boy, but sometimes he is forced to be a girl. He would make a fascinating case study for those who study gender identity and sexual orientation, but really think about what that experience must be like. Having to endure that, daily, hourly. Regularly. You're a straight young boy who sometimes turns into a gay young woman. Both of these forms are well above "very attractive" for your age group. The joke answer is "I'll spend a lot of time in front of the mirror!" but really, that's just going to lead a person down the path to becoming a bunch of flowers leaning over a lake.
"Ah, playing hard to get. How charming, how seductive!"
"Try <i>impossible</i> to get, creep! Yuck!"
The truth is, it's going to mess with your head a little. A lot. Tough guy like Ranma might not show it, but he's actually pretty insecure about his sexuality. Sure, he likes cute chicks. Acting on that? Pft! Good luck. Meantime, feeling the other side of the male gaze has got to be an unsettling feeling to the best person. Being desired, sexually desired by otherwise straight men. Imagine how that feels to someone who hasn't even had the kind of sexual experience they'd prefer?
In short: Ranma's disgust was really not born of a place of hatred, but genuine discomfort regarding the idea of men sexually desiring him. Then, of course, there was the added fact that Kuno had asked him out, Ranma said no thanks, and Kuno was chasing after him anyway.
So, really, when you get right down to it we can all agree that Kuno is the dick in this situation.
In any event: Ranma beheld salvation! A kind of cute, flat-chested and overly muscled girl strolled out a side door of the school. "Akane! Over here!" he yelled.
Now, Akane turned to him, and her battle aura flared up something fierce. Had he done something to embarrass her? No, it didn't matter. She couldn't possibly be as scary as Kuno right now. So he continued running towards her, and nothing on this world could change his -
"Kyaaaaa!" Akane screamed, a perfect emulation of a battle yell, just like if she'd thrown out a hellacious punch. Her fighting spirit rose to still yet new heights - and then instead of striking a blow, instead Akane tucked her knee at an odd angle, stuck her hands behind her head, and pursed out her lips like she was imitating a duck.
The best way to describe the reaction of everyone watching at that moment in time was "dot, dot, dot". For a few seconds nobody did anything at all. Just stared at the girl awkwardly standing there making a fool out of herself. Making little puckering motions with her lips, battle aura flaring up behind her, staring a hole through her boyfriend Ranma Saotome.
"There, there!" Kuno said, patting Ranma on the shoulder. "Allow us men to discuss matters away from these girls."
Like hell he would go anywhere with this guy! Ranma experienced a full-body shudder of revulsion, then shot forward directly in front of Akane. He took her hands with great speed and greater enthusiasm, and said, "You know, I just can't bear it anymore. You're so pretty, I just want to go on a date. Right now. Immediately. With no delay."
"Mmm?" Akane grunted excitedly, still adopting that ridiculous pose.
"Yes, dear, right now!" Ranma declared, casting a wary eye back at Kuno. He gulped nervously and scooped Akane up, bridal style, body still adopting that ridiculous position. "This can't wait a moment longer!"
There was silence in the courtyard after the two of them left, with the students all watching them with great confusion in their eyes. Then, after a moment, one girl looked to a nearby boy, tentatively lifted her knees, stuck her hands behind her head - and fell over on the spot.
"You okay?" another girl asked her.
"I'm fine!" the girl said, blushing furiously and looking at the same boy. "Just... trying something."
Thus was born a legend of Furinkan High School: The Goofy Duck Seduction! The ideal way to seduce your man. Pose like this, and no man can resist you!
"Hmph!" Tatewaki Kuno chuckled. "Hehehehe... Playing hard to get, I see. How amusing! I, too, can play. There is no get that is hard enough to ensure my failure! I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, do swear that I shall expose the false relationship between Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo, so that true love may bloom and flourish!"
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Akane's heart was doing parkour. On the one hand, oh, this was so <i>romantic</i>! Being swept up into Ranma's hunky arms, held close to his manly chest and carried off the school ground for a nice romantic date. A date which could end in so many interesting ways that made her squirm in delight.
"Hey, keep still a sec," Ranma complained. "Uh, actually, let me put you down."
"Okay," Akane sighed. Aw. Down she goes onto her feet. Away from that haven of bliss. She stared at him and pulled up her battle aura again. That's right, Ranma Saotome! Now you face the wrath of Akane Tendo's seduction fu!
Of course, Ranma did not quite see it that way. All he saw was a girl glowering at him, and so he came to the correct assumption that he was being glowered at because he picked her up all of a sudden. The incorrect part of the assumption being, that glowering and battle aura meant she was angry with him. Ergo:
"Man, that Kuno guy's a real hassle," he said all of a sudden. "No wonder you wanted to get away from him so much."
Now it's vital to see the headspace they were both occupying at the time. For Ranma, he was shuddering at the persistence Kuno had displayed. For Akane, she was thinking that Ranma was playing along with her silly little boyfriend idea for the sake of helping keep Kuno away from her.
Which meant that she had to step up her seduction fu! She stepped closer to him. Inside of his guard and got really close. Within grappling distance. "We have to make it look convincing!" she grunted, projecting her voice at him like she was performing a devastating attack. Although to Ranma it sounded more like she didn't really want to do anything like this, but was going along with it to keep up the illusion they were dating.
"Right," he agreed, and snaked his arm around her shoulder. Akane held onto him tightly, as if she might suplex him at any moment. Ugh! Feel that body. What sort of workout regimen did he use? Akane bit her lip and trembled trying to imagine. Maybe he did squats while carrying tree logs, or hiked while carrying boulders. Whatever it was, he was so thoroughly manly! An opponent so naturally developed in seduction fu would not be easy to defeat. She must step up her game by thinking Anything Goes style!
Meaning: Cheat. Cheat like a fox at a poker game gambling on high stakes while owing the mob a hefty loan.
"I think I see Kuno," Akane hissed. "I don't think he buys we're really dating!"
"I don't see him..." Ranma whispered back.
"Trust me, he's better at sneaking than you'd think!" Which was almost certainly a true statement because Kuno gave the impression of being a loud, unsubtle idiot, but that didn't really much matter. "We - We have to make this look convincing."
So she grabbed him by the lapel. Threw Ranma up against a nearby wall, closed her eyes, puckered her lips and went for it. This was it. One smooch was all it would take, and he'd see the light. Ranma would come to understand they were meant for one another, and that would be it. They'd stop pretending to date and actually date and then they would do things dating couples did. Like sex. Copious amounts of sex. His boy form, his girl form. Whatever mood took them at the time.
As for Ranma's point of view the term "deer in headlights" springs unbidden to the forefront of the mind. You see, he hadn't ever actually kissed anyone before. It was a bit of a big deal for him. To him, Akane was just trying to help out, keep the illusion alive so that Kuno would leave them both alone. The way she was puckering her lips in no way looked like someone who wanted to go through with this. Why else would she close her eyes, except to stop herself from thinking about it? Did he really want his first kiss to be with a chick that didn't really want to kiss him?
Then again, looking at her rapidly approaching face, Ranma was struck by the notion that she was really kinda cute. He ducked his head down. Sure. Why not? She might be a little weird but he could do a lot worse.
"Vile succubus!"
Case in point, he could wind up kissing the flat end of a bokken. Ranma gagged a little on the taste. Pretty sure his lips had splinters.
"Kuno!" Akane yelled. "What the actual - Ooh, you <i>idiot</i>! Take the hint! I'm not inter-"
"Do not let this wicked woman beguile you so!" Kuno declared, grasping Ranma's hands and staring dreamily into his eyes while Ranma stared back the same way he might stare at a burning pile of manure. "Admittedly, her pose earlier was extremely sensual and erotic, and that hug was full of affection and adoration."
"What pose and what hug were you watching just now?" Ranma asked. He grabbed Kuno's wrists, flipped him overhead and slammed him down onto his back. "Take the hint! Go away!"
Akane wasted no time and grabbed Ranma's hand, pulling him down the street. She was just a little bit miffed at the missed opportunity. Ooh! Who knew Kuno really was nearby? She might have gotten away with it too, if not for that - That pervert! Ranma was hers. Hers, you hear!
"Here should be safe," Akane finally said, pushing Ranma into a side street to hide. "He won't find us... In..."
She squeezed with her right hand. Huh? That was not Ranma's beautiful manly chest. That was Ranma's beautiful girly chest! She slowly turned around and found Ranma dripping drops off her hair, and her face sullen.
"Stupid old lady with her stupid ladle," Ranma complained. "Come on, let's find me some hot water and talk this bullshit through."
Hot water, huh? Shouldn't be too much trouble. All they'd need to do is find some water to dunk Ranma in. That oughta do it right there.
- Akane keeps going for a smooch, but never quite gets it. Ranma remains oblivious.
- Kuno continues stalking the pair.
- Nabiki is embroiled in money making.
- They run into Ryoga, who quickly develops a hard crush on Ranma's girl side. And only his girl side.
- Something else
I can't stop laughing.
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