Story: Ex-Harem Protag

 

At this point in their lives, Ranma and Akane were almost numb to the weird shit that came their way. You almost have to adopt a tolerance of some sort, unless you intend to bask in total madness. Alas, the things that were comparatively mundane, that were not supernaturally inclined, that was the kind of behaviour you could almost see from a regular person, but sits just outside the norm -

It's the uncanny valley yet again, isn't it? Funny how often that idea comes up, but yes, it's sort of like that. If something was really off the wall, completely bizarre, leaning hard into the supernatural then they had big problems with it, yes, for sure, while normal people? They were normal people. They met normal people every day.

It's that sweet spot that was really riling them up. It's just barely weird enough that it acts like nails on chalkboard, you get it? 

"Now, my precious pink princess, did those mean Anubis warriors from beyond the mortal realm give you permission to take their scimitar?" Usagi asked.

"No, mother, but they were going to mistreat him!" Azusa said, cradling the scimitar very carefully to make sure she didn't cut herself on it. But it was still somehow a snug embrace all the same. "They were going to use him to reap the souls of those whose heart weighs more than a feather, so they could use those souls for purposes beyond our mortal ken!"

"I understand that," Usagi said. "But you do have to ask for permission before you can take things, and -"

It seemed as though the warriors had recovered themselves, as they lunged for the mother and daughter pair. Ranma was already moving to help - but this proved to be a mistake, for at that very moment, Usagi turned around to look at them, and he got caught up in what followed.

"Are you following us home without permission?" Usagi asked, the full glare leaving the mighty warriors, Ranma included, caught in an aura of absolute fear.

"No ma'am, I was going to help fend these creeps off, I swear!" Ranma replied on instinct. "Akane, help, make her stop looking at me like that!"

"Oh, sorry about that, Ranma~" Usagi chirped. "Ohohoho, you really did remind me of your father just now. It's rather amusing how much you take after him - and you also remind me a lot of No-Chan when she was your age."

That was going well up until Ranma's mother was brought up. Usagi's tone had bounced from chipper and upbeat to downright frustrated seeming, which in turn made Ranma's skin crawl.

"Ahem!" a deep booming voice declared. Turning around, everyone found themselves looking at a guy dressed up like a stereotypical Pharaoh. As in, like, you could tell it was actually a costume rather than something legit. He had, on each arm, a very buxom woman wrapped from the neck down in bandages and, as far as Ranma could tell, not a single iota of clothing on them other than this. "I thought that I sensed my beloved wife come back from beyond the grave! My darling, I sense you within that strangely adorable body, with fine athletic tone balanced against femininity."

"No, I think you got the wrong girl, it's Akane that your wife is possessing, not Azusa!" Ranma said. A foot landed in the back of his head shortly after this.

"Dummy, watch what you're - Oh!" Akane gasped. "I get it! You're trying to keep her from having control by pissing me off!"

Yeah. That's exactly what it was. Not his instinctive tsundere reaction to someone complimenting Akane's body. Definitely not that.

"Come to me, my beloved!" Nezemab called out. "You as well, Azusa Shiratori! I shall have you bound in these vessels, turning you into my dual wives of the modern era, and - "

"The hell you will!" Ranma interrupted. "Akane is my wife! You can clear off, pal!"

"Actually, I was going to take them to the mirror mansion, make myself some randier copies of them and go absolutely wild," Nezemab said. Huh? He'd stopped talking all fancy, and was speaking normally all of a sudden? Huh! "Do not stand in my way, mortal, if you know what's good for you! By now I can see that my Anubis Guard outnumber you considerably! Do not test me, lest you -"

"Yo, bitchface!"

Huh. That voice sounded a lot like his girl form. As in, a lot. Pretty much an exact copy of it. Ranma tilted his head and checked himself out - still in boy form, so all good there. Then, the next thing he knew, someone had thrown a sword right into the sky, directly into Nezemab's torso. He looked down at it as if it was a spilled coffee stain on his favourite shirt, rather than a blow that should, by rights, be a lethal one!

"Who dares?" he began to ask, only for the sword to be pulled back by a chain that was tied to the handle. "I beg your pardon! What are you -"

"Usagi~" an energetic voice chirped, and the next thing Ranma knew, his girl form - sans pigtail - was rushing past him towards Usagi. "Blood sample! Do your thing?"

"Hooray!" Usagi chirped, grabbing the sword and licking its flat edge. "You always did have a talent with that sword of yours, you miserable bitch! You haven't aged a fucking day! No wonder Genma chose you!"

"Uh, did I miss - " Ranma began to ask... But then, out of nowhere, Nezemab began to move inexorably and irresistibly directly towards Usagi. It was like watching someone get caught in a vortex trying to swim out, but the spinning water was much too strong, much too fast. 

"What in the name of Ra?!" Nezemab yelled, doing the breaststroke in mid-air to absolutely no avail. But it wasn't just him. His Anubis soldiers, they were all doing the same thing, and -

"Noooo, I like being in this cute yet powerful body!" yelled the soul of some Egyptian lady trying to cling onto Akane. "At least let me have one night of passion with that hot hubby of yours! Gosh, he looks so hot, a real man among men, please let me get absolutely ruined by that, it's been such a long time!"

"I'm not sharing my man with anyone!" Akane yelled. "Even if he's only a man half the time! He's still my husband, and we love each other very much!"

Cue Akane decking that spirit in the face, which should not have worked because it was clearly intangible, but through sheer righteous indignation she somehow pulled it off, and golly gosh but Ranma wanted to put a baby in her right now.

"Oh, that's so adorable!" his girl form chirped. "My son certainly did select an excellent wife."

Her son...? Ranma took a closer look at the girl. It was a very similar cute face, but you know, the hair colour was a bit darker wasn't it? Hold on. Hold up. No way! It couldn't be!

"Mother?" he asked, feeling himself careening into the other side of the Uncanny Valley.

"Thanks for the meal, No-Chan!" Usagi patted her belly. "I'm sending them back to the underworld as we speak! Come along, Azusa dear~ Have you made any progress with that handsome Mikado guy yet?"

"Mother, Mikey and I hate each other's guts!" Azusa complained cutely.

"Yes, yes, and I'm sure Ranma and Akane said the same thing didn't they...?"

It goes to show, doesn't it? They're barely phased by the whole thing that Usagi just did, which - let's be up front about this and ask <b>what the hell was that?</b> They are far more focused on the whole thing that Nodoka was now apparently about the same age as them.

"Mushrooms of time?" Akane asked.

"Mushrooms of time!" Nodoka sheathed her sword. "Is anyone else feeling youthfully rebellious? I'm feeling youthful and rebellious right about now."

Ah... Now. Another funny thing! The two of them would rather deal with Nezemab and his whole situation than this particular mess. Call it experience, but neither one of them had a good feeling about this.