Story: Pride and Joy

 

 Ryoga Hibiki is often thought of as Ranma's rival, but to the lost boy himself it often felt like he was running in Ranma's shadow. Hot on his heels. Ranma would develop further as a martial artist, only for Ryoga to catch up later. Ranma would gain things that would make any boy envious. Friends, cute girls after him, while Ryoga? Wandered alone. Eternally lost.

Even now, Ranma was leading the charge. Ryoga hadn't watched the monster. He'd watched Ranma's back, having to trust that the pigtailed brat wouldn't lead him astray. Look at him. He even had a better curse than Ryoga did. Staying human. Remaining at the top of the food chain. Turning into a cute girl who could still fight, rather than a little pig that could not.

All the while behaving like a jackass. It was infuriating. Beyond belief.

On the other hand, when the chips were down and someone was in need of help, there wasn't anyone else Ryoga would rather have on his side. Ranma behaved like a total asshole. But...

Looking at the girls running out of that cave, and making a beeline towards Ranma? That hurt. Seeing Akane dirty from sitting in a cave for god only knows how long, setting sight on Ranma's face and breaking out into a relieved smile. That really hurt. Seeing Ukyo and Shampoo (wearing, uh, next to nothing but pantyhose wrapped around her body)flanking her, all three of those rivals rushing straight towards Ranma?

It all hurt. Call it envy, if you like. It's hard not to be envious when you don't have anything but the clothes on your back, and sometimes don't even have that.

"Ranma!"

"Akane!"

Ah, what a romantic scene! The Princess rescued by the Prince and his Fool from the monster in the cave! Now he would sweep her up in his arms and -

"Kya!"

-Judo toss him onto the ground and sit on his chest.

"Airen!"

"Ranchan!"

All three of them mobbed him at once. It was like watching a trio of lionesses taking down a zebra.

"Airen come save Shampoo!"

"Hey, back off of Ranchan! I've got first dibs!"

"Dummy, what took you so long! Do you have any idea what I went through in there?!"

"Ahem!" Ryoga coughed into his hand. The girls suddenly seemed aware he was there and started to show at least a little more decorum. Though they seemed to be struggling with it. Not even just a little, they were clearly concentrating on it. "The guy we're here to beat up is in that cave, right?"

"Y-Yeah, you girls best get out of here, it's going to get really ugly!" Ranma said. Tsk, how ungrateful. Those girls all but literally throw themselves at him, and he brushes it off like it's no big deal. "I don't trust that guy, I got a bad feeling about why he'd want Happosai."

The two of them crept near the cave and listened in. They heard Pantyhose making his bargain with the old lech. A deal that, frankly, left both of their blood running cold. Happosai, with the Spring of Drowned Playboy water? That pervert? Running amok like that? It was unthinkable! Those girls outside, for example... Akane... That pure and innocent soul. Would even she fall victim to the old man if he had that curse? It didn't bear thinking about! But no matter, both he and Ranma would protect Akane's honour and virtue, even if it cost them their lives.

<hr>

"Girls, if I don't have sex in the next ten minutes I might actually go insane," Akane said to the two penis shaped entities standing in front of her that she was pretty sure were actually Ukyo and Shampoo. "I don't think yuri action is going to cut it here, I need some enormous D ploughing me into the dirt."

The two penises nodded along in agreement, as though they totally understood where she was coming from. It  was annoying. Super annoying. For a moment there, she'd been genuinely afraid that absolute literal monster would have pinned her down under its massive weight and penetrated her with that bullcock. Repeatedly taking her, making her moan and squeal like - like some kind of wild untamed animal. Nrgh! Get it together, girl! You didn't used to be like this. You used to occasionally play with yourself after a particularly bad argument with Ranma, but now that you've had a taste of his you can barely control yourself anymore. Daily, every single day, sometimes several times a day you'd gotten yourself drilled by that loudmouthed, insensitive jerk!

And now that loudmouthed insensitive jerk had left the girls here to run off and fight that enormously penised penis-head.  Heedless of their wants and needs. Running off to play martial artist, to the rescue. Of course, the trouble with this was that she could hardly punish him by making him sleep on the couch or withholding sex when she probably wanted it worse than he did.

She could deck him one. After they'd screwed. Obviously. But by then she wouldn't have this blinding simmering rage anymore, probably caught up too much in the afterglow to even think the words 'righteous fury'. Which was not a great thing. It meant that he could basically do whatever he wanted and likely get away with it. Including... Uh... Hold on a second. He was already screwing several other girls with her knowledge and consent. So she couldn't quite get upset at him for cheating, right?

"Akane, you do realise you're talking out loud right?" said the penis on the left, probably Ukyo judging by the voice.

"As fascinating as Shampoo find this, fastest way to get laid is to kick pantyhose beast's butt," said the penis on the right, probably Shampoo.

"You make an excellent point, talking penis that is probably Shampoo," Akane said, already feeling her fighting spirit returning with a vengeance. "Kukuku, yes. I can feel it! Burning inside me already! My fighting spirit is rising! I'm more focused on anything than I ever have been before in my life! Earlier, I wasn't nearly horny enough to draw from this well of inner strength, but now? Now I'm ravenously thirsty, and I feel like I could take on the -"

Moments later a monstrous penis burst out of the cave with an extremely hot but kinda cocky pigtailed penis riding on its back. Akane's fighting spirit diminished just a little bit upon realising that, oh yeah, that guy's actually really big in areas other than his junk.

"You know what, why don't Akane and I go check out the cave to see what's going on with Ryoga while Shampoo helps Ranma out?" the Ukyo-penis said that. "After all, Ran-chan can take care of himself, Ryoga's kinda... extremely dumb so he might need our help with getting out of the cave."

"Need two of you for that, does it?" Shampoo asked, her tone a rather excellent approximation of Nabiki's when she was in a particularly bad mood. Thus, it frightened Akane quite a bit. "Fine, fine, Shampoo go deal with giant flying bullcock, but she get first dibs of airen when we done."

Little did Shampoo realise, Ukyo and Akane were actually about to head off to fight something far worse than Pantyhose Taro's cursed form. Frightening as it might be, as utterly horrible it is to fight as it truly is, it's still merely a hill while Happosai is a mountain.

<hr>

Ryoga Hibiki was having a bad day. Either of these guys by themselves would be a total nightmare for him and Ranma to fight, but both this monster and Happosai at the same time? Impossible! Every kick Ryoga tried, every punch, was cast aside with almost casual ease. After a little bit of that he'd tried using the breaking point to bring the whole damned cave down - only for the old man to tap some other points that somehow stopped everything from exploding.

"Kukuku, old Cologne taught you that, did she?" Happosai sneered. "That ridiculous toughness training technique might make you actually survive my first hit! But not my second! Bwahahaha!"

It was hopeless! At the very least Ryoga had thought he could destroy the casks of water, make it impossible for the old freak to take on that curse! But - But this was - Gah! What should he do?! If he tried to run, Happosai would have no qualms about knocking him out cold! Then Ranma would be on his own against both of them. He wouldn't stand a chance! Ryoga balled his fists while the old man watched him with a dark cackle, twirling around his pipe. What should he do? What could he do in a situation like this?! The only reason he was conscious was because the old man was playing around, but the second he got serious...

"No, what am I thinking!" Ryoga yelled. "If you  get the spring of drowned playboy water, it'll be a disaster!"

"One man's disaster is another's paradise!" Happosai let loose a dark sinister laugh that almost drove Ryoga to his knees on its own. Such evil! "Oh, I can easily imagine the things I would do with that! I'll easily pay that boy back for cockslapping me! Bwahahaha, revenge will be so sweet!"

Was it really and truly hopeless? That battle aura growing in the cave, it was suffocating! If only he could get to those casks, if only he had the strength and the skill to take on an enemy of this level! if only -

"Oh, Happosai~" a feminine voice sang out. That was -

"Akane, stay back!" Ryoga called out. The sound of her voice, oh, that sweet angel! It gave him strength, it rejuvenated his hope and his fighting spirit. Maybe he could do it after all! "This old freak is at his most dangerous right now."

"Don't turn around, Hibiki!" Ukyo warned. Huh? Don't turn around? "Or you'll wish you turned into a pillar of salt. Got it?!"

As if he was taking his eyes off the enemy! Any minute now Happosai would make his move and that would be the end of... Uh... Actually, come to think the old man had been staring wide eyed, dead ahead, for a few seconds now. Ever since Akane had called out to him. What's more, there was a strange sort of suckling sound going on behind him. Girly titters. Giggling. Weird guttural sounds coming from both girls.

It felt like if Ryoga turned around right now to see what was going on behind him he might actually die on the spot. Whatever it was the girls were doing it had left Happosai totally and completely paralysed. Drooling like a dog staring at a juicy steak, only for it to be replaced with two even juicier bigger steaks. Ryoga gulped, then stepped deeper into the caves towards the casks. He couldn't risk collapsing it on the girls anymore. But what he could do was... Rush forward, grab two of the lids and yank them both open at the same time!

Aha! Pantyhose had said that opening the wrong one would cause the cask to drain! By opening two, he guaranteed that at least one of them would be wrong! Brilliant! Genius! This way he could ensure the water was gone for good! No more playboy Happosai in the future! Ryoga Hibiki had saved the -

Without warning a jet of water shot out of one of the casks and thoroughly drenched him, head to toe. Looking down, he saw... that the cask had a hidden funnel flowing out of it, and that it had very obviously not opened up when it was supposed to. Pantyhose's mechanism made use of water pressure within the other casks, such that when one was opened it would cause the sudden change in pressure to open the lower funnels and pour the water out into the back of the cave, mixing together in unpredictable useless ways.

But since this one was blocked, when the pressure changed it had nowhere to go but straight up and out. Oh no... Oh no! Ryoga could feel a familiar tingle rapidly overtaking his body! What sort of form was he about to take? No longer a pig, now he'd be some other form of hideous creature! But what would it be? What cursed water was it?

As if you, dear reader, can't already guess the answer.