Story: Akane the Half Goddess

 "Oh, no, Shampoo insist that chef girl take chance to get to know Akane's granny."

"That's very kind of you, but I do have a business to run. Why don't you take her?"

Honestly, Ranma was enjoying this much, much more than he ought to. It was hypnotic. Watching these two try desperately to duck having to be harassed - er, spend time with an actual freaking Goddess.  Plus, if she was getting to know Akane’s rivals, it meant that she wasn’t prodding him about immaterial things like dressing up in cute disguises.

But then, right when he thought it could not get better/worse, he heard a sound that still sent a chill right to his bones.

"Ohohohohohoho!"

Kodachi Kuno. The method through which Ranma learned about the doppler effect. Most get it through cars passing by, or an emergency vehicle. He got it from that laugh. From the sound of it, approaching- and approaching fast.

"Ranma-darling! There you are!" Kodachi called out in a way that, last week, he'd figured out was meant to be seductive. "Oh, how coy of you to hide in such an insignificant, cheap little restaurant."

Ukyo's battle aura flared up something fierce, and her battle spatula was probably on the verge of melting from it. Not that Ranma was paying much attention, as he was trying and failing to slip away from Kodachi's grip before she pulled out the old paralysis powder.

"I've heard the rumours about that dastardly shrew, Akane Tendo," Kodachi said, while running her fingers through his hair. "How unfortunate! But fear not, dearest Ranma. You still have your Black Rose. A far superior flower to that ill tempered, flat chested, clumsy oaf of a girl! Thank the heavens I was able to save you from being wed to her yesterday!”

Now, it must be said that Ranma is something of an expert at the old 'insulting Akane Tendo', and he'd have to rate that as maybe a six out of ten. It would tick her off, but only to the point where she'd scowl at you. Maybe say your name with a hint of menace. If she was already in a bad mood maybe you'd get an argument out of it.

But! Here's the thing about that! Akane's grandmother was literally Amaterasu, to which describing her as “kind of an important goddess” was an <i>understatement</i>, and she was standing right over there. To a grandmother, someone insulting their grandchild like that to any capacity is an automatic ten out of ten.

This was going to be awesome/terrible, and nobody he knew deserved it like a Kuno.

"Hi there, I'm the grandmother of that ill tempered, flat chested, clumsy oaf of a girl!" Amaterasu said, pointedly and smoothly separating Ranma and Kodachi in such a way that  they were now at the opposite ends of the room. It was weird. Ranma could easily see every step of how she did it, but didn't feel like he could replicate it. Shampoo and Ukyo seemed quite relieved at least.

“Pardon?” Kodachi said, “You do not at all look like a woman who can be a grandmother, first of all. While there is some resemblance, there is also the matter of you dressing like you belong in a Heian period film. Akane Tendo’s bloodline would clearly like this semblance of traditional looks and propriety.”

Amaterasu had the single biggest shit-eating grin on her face that Ranma ever did see. It was sort of like she was looking forward to putting Kodachi in her place. While she didn't actually crack her knuckles or anything like that, it was easy for Ranma to imagine while watching her.

"Meanwhile, young lady, that was the single most clumsy come-on I may have ever seen," Amaterasu said, still smiling. "Honestly, I'm more insulted by that than your remarks about my granddaughter. The very idea that a young man would enjoy that - In fact, let's ask him. Ranma? Did you enjoy that?"

"Uhhhhh?" Ranma answered, not especially liking the spotlight being back on him. Made for a change of pace. "Could you two stop staring at me like that?"

"Shampoo want take notes," Shampoo produced a notepad. "Want to learn what Airen like."

"Yeah, Ranchan," Ukyo said. "Why doncha tell us what you like?"

A thunderclap hit. Or it sounded like one. Actually, it was just Amaterasu slamming her fist into her open palm. "That's it! That's what we should do!" she said. Then she snapped her fingers and Uchan's became a classroom.

"Wait, how the hell did she -?" Sayuri stammered.

“The Sun brings enlightenment and knowledge to mankind. I can use my Authority to make any place a space of education.” Amaterasu explained without missing a beat. “Well, as long as I’m asked to give wisdom, like these three lovely young women have.”

In other words, by asking what Ranma liked in a woman they gave her free reign to play with them however she wanted. Ranma had a bad feeling about this. In fact, he had the mother and father of bad feelings about this.

So let's take stock. The three girls were all sitting at the front of the 'classroom' while he and Sayuri were at the back. Amaterasu was at the teacher's desk, and in front of that were three dummies. One looked like Mousse, another like Konatsu, and the last like Gosunkugi.

"There's an old saying from Ancient Greece," Sayuri whispered. "Those whom the Gods would destroy, first they drive mad."

"I dunno," Ranma whispered back. "I think it's more likely they do 'em favours."

"Ladies! This is your opportunity!" Amaterasu said. "To learn from a Goddess the means by which to seduce a man! These dummies represent your local best fits - "

"I protest!" Kodachi yelled. "This reed? This sunken eyed wimp? This fool who is foolish enough to do my brother’s bidding!?"

"Shampoo no like implication she wind up with Mousse," Shampoo said in an even tone, the sort she used when she couldn't let an insult stand while being fully aware she was threatening someone out of her league.

"That's not important for now," Amaterasu said. "“He’s just an avatar. A blank slate for you to practice on.”

"One moment!" Kodachi said, then she and Shampoo turned to Ukyo. "We noticed you did not protest to the kunoichi crossdresser."

"I'm just glad it's not Tsubasa," Ukyo said. "Besides, I'm pretty sure she's screwing with us. This is some kind of punishment."

Cue the real Konatsu showing up out of nowhere and bawling. "Oh, Lady Ukyo believes that the two of us being together is a cruel, wicked divine punishment! Though it is only natural as I am a meek humble kunoichi, while she is the starlight that brightens the night -"

“Now look what you did Master Kuonji. You made your servant cry.” Amaratsu said. "For that, you are to hug him/her until s/he stops crying."

"Ugh... Fine! It's not like I don't wind up doing this after the soaps anyway..." Ukyo grumbled. She then pulled Konatsu into a kind of tender hug and began to rock back and forth, stroking the genius kunoichi's hair.

"I see, there's nothing I need to teach Konatsu then," Amaterasu nodded. "For the rest of you, watch a master at work!"

Another dummy popped up. This one... looked like a handsome man (though not as much as Ranma, obviously) in a kimono with long silver hair and an elaborate crescent moon headdress. Definitely a better built dummy than the others, too. Amaterasu delicately walked over to him and bowed.

"Good evening. Would you agree that it is a pleasant night tonight?"

"Yes, I would," the dummy replied immediately and reverentially. "Though not as pleasant as your company."

"Ohohoho, you flatterer - Yes, Mister Saotome? I see your hand is raised."

"Is this to teach the girls how to flirt, or are you trying to show how guys should flirt?" Ranma asked. An eraser struck his forehead, and he was made to sit back down from the impact.

"Hrmph, the nerve of him. As I was saying!" Amaterasu huffed. Oh boy, she looked even more like Akane there, when she was on the verge of an argument. So uncute! "You would agree that it would be an extremely stupid thing to, for example, kill someone because you didn't like how sausage was made, right?"

"Yes," the dummy replied. "That would be an extremely moronic move! Completely lacking in any form of common sense or decency, and also illustrating a shocking naievette about the way the world works."

Yeah, that feeling Ranma had before wasn't exactly going away. Looking over at these three, who were staring with rapt attention, he was starting to get the feeling that the amount of suffering in his life caused by them was about to reach new heights. What a chilling thought.

"Shampoo, your turn!" Amaterasu clapped. "Show me how you flirt with a boy."

Shampoo did stand up, but then she looked around. "Everyone agree that this not actually Mousse, and that Shampoo kill anyone who tell Mousse or anyone about what you about to see?"

Nods abound, just to get this over with. Shampoo took a deep breath. Smoothed out her skirt, and then yelled a single word while leaping out with arms wide open. "Airen!"

It made Ranma wince a bit, but at least this time he wasn't her target. Still, seeing it from the outside was a little weird. The way she was grabbing the dummy, rubbing her body up against it, making a very blatant attempt to ensure that her hips, legs and breasts could all be felt... yeah, that was a little too familiar for his tastes.

Ah, but before she could continue a burst of electricity struck her off the dummy, sending her sprawling to the floor.

"Wrong!" Amaterasu yelled, holding up her hands in an X. "While men like affection, they also like to feel like they're in control of that affection! You're going in too strong, too hard, too fast! Even if it feels nice, going for a hug without consent - how would it make you feel?"

"Grk!" Shampoo twitched on the floor.

"Exactly!" Amaterasu nodded. Ignoring the electroshock therapy, huh? "Ukyo, you're up!"

Ukyo gulped, and rose to her feet. Walked over to the Konatsu dummy - then whipped out a portable stove and started whipping up some okonomiyaki, right there in front of the dummy. In no time flat she had one whipped up, and Ranma's stomach growled.

"Here you go!" Ukyo said - and then the dummy took a demure bite out of it. "Konatsu! When did you replace the dummy?!"

"Lady Ukyo, please accept my apologies!" Konatsu bowed deeply. "I thought it might assist your lessons if the false dummy was replaced with a real dummy, myself!"

"Wrong!" Amaterasu yelled. "You're going into the opposite extreme now! Making food for him, without telling him your feelings? What sort of tactic is that? It's too passive! Men are terrible at picking up signals!"

"Some women are as well though," Sayuri whispered. "I mean, everyone can see the signals you're sending Akane."

"I'm sending signals to - What do you mean everyone can see the signals?!" Ranma hissed back. Was he? He didn't mean to be! Why do people keep getting him wrong?!

“She’s correct, however women tend to be socialized to read these signals. Well, from men at least… maybe the curse makes Akane miss them?” Amaterasu mused, which made Ranma wish he was anywhere but here. Though he suspected he was not alone in this. "Kodachi, you're up!"

Kodachi bounded to her feet, began to whip her ribbon around, and here come the black petals and, of course, the laugh. "Ohohohoho- "

Luckily, there came the lightning to put an end to that laugh.

"Wrong!" Amaterasu said. Another lightning bolt hit Kodachi. "Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" And a new one for each 'wrong'. "That laugh is like nails on a chalkboard! Behaving like some ojou sama will never do anything but scare off a man! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!"

"Guuuuuh!" Kodachi whined.

"So! In summary!" Amaterasu coughed. "Shampoo is too affectionate. Ukyo too little. And you! You're way too bugnuts crazy! In the face of such competition, no wonder my Akane has thoroughly dominated that young man's heart!"

"H-Hey! Who says she's dominated my heart!"

Oh, damn it. For a second there his survival instinct took a vacation. To his surprise Amaterasu merely smiled.

"Sorry, silly of me!" she giggled, and tapped the top of her head. "I forget that mortals don't like having their feelings broadcast for everyone to hear."

Well, now Ranma knew where the Tendo girls got their sarcasm from, it sure as heck hadn’t been their father.

"Though could you at least imagine some more raunchy scenes with her?" Amaterasu asked. "I mean, the romantic stuff is nice, but surely you want to spice things up a little too. Riiiiight?" Now she seemed to almost look like Nabiki. "I mean, you must have gotten at least a little excited when Kiema walked into the bath disguised as her."

"H-How did you know about that?!"

“Xihe told me all about your little adventure in China, before… well, you know.”

“Wait? What happened in China?” Ukyo asked, only for both Ranma, Amaterasu <b>and</b> Shampoo to shake their heads. "Oh come on, I totally get left out of that stuff! No fair!"

“Moving on!” Amaterasu declared. "Now that I've seen the extent of your abilities, it's time to mould you into the seductive young women you were always meant to be. Kukuku!"

Oh wow, that face looked like if you took a picture of angry Akane and devious Nabiki and then merged them together. That face might frighten him more than anything that happened in China.

1. Amaterasu continues her lessons
2. Back in the Spirit Realm, Akane learns a few things about being a Goddess
3. Soun, Genma, and Nodoka catch up on things.
4. Something else