Monday, 21 December 2020

Story: Akane the Half Alien

 

It's little commented on, but Akane had a bit of an overactive pessimistic imagination. Try to follow her thinking though. She'd been left with her cousin's toddler cousin to babysit. Said toddler got whacked by Kuno's sword, sent flying into an alien Copy Machine and now there were ten of him. All flying around doing that thing that toddlers do. Namely, getting into everything and making a mess.

<i>"Akane! I can't believe this!" Lum swooned at the sight. I leave you with him for an afternoon, and you multiply him! Even Darling wouldn't do something so careless."

"It wasn't my -" Akane protested, but Lum ignored her and pulled out a drill the size of a mountain.

"I have no choice," Lum said. "I'll have to destroy the Earth. You're clearly far too irresponsible to be left running around. It's for the good of the galaxy."</i>

"I will not be left responsible for global armageddon!" Akane yelled, rushing forward and grabbing a Ten. "Behave yourself!" she admonished - and got fire to the face for her trouble. Luckily all this did was leave soot on her face. Before she could do anything though, another three of the Tens flew by and hugged her arms. Not exactly a big threat to her, but she didn't want to hurt them so-   "A little help here?!"

"Hohohohoho! Why should we, Akane tendo?" Kodachi fanned herself down. "It is clear you sent these monsters here to torment us, and now you seek assistance in gathering them up?"

"These girly dolls are gross! Stick 'em in a pile and burn 'em!"

"Aaaargh!" Ran screamed. "Th-Those dolls are full of explosives! Stop them!"

A pair of Tens had gathered around a pile of Ran's dolls, tossing others into a pile and getting ready to breathe fire on them. Akane gulped a bit. She didn't exactly have the best experience with dolls. What with becoming one against her will. Twice in the span of about four months.

"Why does it have to be dolls?!" Akane yelled, unknowingly copying Ranma's refrain regarding water. She swooped down to stop the inevitable disaster, slowed down by the Tens hugging her arms - but luckly Kodachi scooped up one of the Tens with a hoop and Ran dove in the way of the other, resulting in soot completely covering their faces - but the dolls were not exploding.

The three girls shared an uneasy look between each other. This was one of those types of situations, wasn't it? Like where Ranma worked with Ryoga and Mousse. They didn't get on. They were martial arts rivals. Yet the situation demanded they cooperate. Their very lives might lie on the line!

Trouble was that they were still outnumbered ten to three.

"Get back here you little - Ran means, tralala, little Ten, little Ten, I have candy for you~"

"Ohohohohoho! Come, little one! Let us practise our gymnastics, in all fairness"

That was the other problem. Kodachi and Ran were about as naturally reassuring and comforting as Ranma when he thought of a particularly 'clever' insult. The two of them were chasing the Tens and winding them up, and that's the last thing you should do! Especially this many because as Ran was about to learn, they'd managed to get into Kodachi's ribbons and two of them were engaged in a tug of war while the last flew overhead and -

Splat. Face down on the floor. Worse yet, when Ran lifted her head, Ten doodled on her face.

"Don't do that!" Akane yelled, grabbing the pen from his hand. "You shouldn't draw random shapes on a person's face. Look, you draw something like whiskers instead. Here... And here... And here..."

"Will you quit encouraging him! He'll wind up like Lum if you keep giving him that kind of advice!" Ran snapped. She tried to knock the pen out of Akane's hand, but Akane was both a martial artist and capable of flight, so dodging that kind of clumsy attack was a bit too easy for her. "This isn't working! These brats are too chaotic!"

"Well then, what do you suggest?" Kodachi harrumphed. "Sending them to their rooms, perhaps? Make them sit in a corner? Deny them my delicious cookies as punishment?"

That was a better point than it should have been. Handling all of these flying hyper fire breathers was almost impossible even for an alliance between them! But then Ran got this wide eyed grin, smacked her fist into her open palm -

"I've got it!" Ran yelled, patting herself down.

"What, a horrible idea that's going to make everything worse somehow?" Akane aksed.

"Ohhh, you really are your cousin's cousin!" Ran yelled back. "Aha! Here it is! The inflatable prison! Completely oni proof!"

Right. Not going to ask why she has that on her person, presumably at all times. She blew into it three times, and there was a surprisingly sturdy looking tiger print cage replete with a dangling... Tag race.. Challenge..

How strange, Akane felt a mild urge to fly in and take it. Wouldn't that be fun? Taking on someone in a challenge. Yes. That would be fun, she liked games, she liked to play -

Woah! What was that? And why were Kodachi and Ran trying to shove her inside with a pair of Tens in her arms?!

"Birds of a feather!" Kodachi said.

"Belong together!" Ran added.

To that, Akane had only one logical response. Violence. Harsh, floaty, electrified, violence.

"Gather up the Tens and put them inside!" Akane instructed. Oh dear, they really were starting to get into everything weren't they? Oh no! One of them had seen a bird and was floating off slowly after it! Good thing they weren't quick yet, this would be impossible if they were! Akane went up after him, noting Kodachi on the ground using her ribbon to grab another, while Ran seemed content to grab them by the scruff of the neck and hurl them in. Not very nice. At least the cell was padded.

However, as she flew down to add the Ten she'd grabbed into the inflatable cell, Ran and Kodachi saw their opportunity. Kodachi produced a bouquet, while Ran smacked her lips. Neither one of them liked Akane very much. So they were going to have their vengeance by paralysing her/draining her of energy, stuffing her in the cell with the Tens, and then... Doing whatever came to mind.

They hadn't actually thought that far ahed. Hard to believe, right?

Anyway, the two of them snuck up towards Akane with their weaposns ready. Pralysis powder in the flowers. Energy draining lips. At the right moment, they dove forward -

"Oh, you up there! Don't play with that light fixture!"

Then Akane flew up at the last possible instant, causing Ran to leap forward and lock lips with Kodachi, leaping through a cloud of paralysis powder in the process, sending the two of them falling to the floor with Ran reflexively draining Kodachi's energy by accident.

Fortunately, Akane noticed something was amiss before Ran completely drained Kodachi dry. She plucked the pink haired alien off of her twisted sister, and asked "Are you okay?"

"I am fine Akane Tendo! Ohohohoho!" Ran cackled. "Ohohoho - Oh, I might have drained Kodachi too much, teehee, I'm a bit giddy!"

Alas, while this was going on one of the Tens had located the lock for the inflatable cage, and let out all the others. "Freedom!" they cried, and began to fly around the room to cause even more mischief.

"Ah, wait one moment!" one Ten said within the cage. "This challenge, I must have it! Never been in a tag race before, this is my chance to be like an adult!"

This still left nine Tens to cause a whole heap of havoc in the Kuno home. Akane winced. Her imagination summoned an even bigger drill. Or maybe the Oni would launch the moon at the Earth? Or turn all the water into syrup? Or- Or! Gah! She had to do soething about this! And with those other two the way they were all seemed lost! The Earth was doomed. Doomed!

But wait. Wait one moment! Kodachi's paralysis powder! Yes, yes! If she left them unable to move, they'd be completely still long enough for Ran to tell her how to sort this mess out! It was the perfect plan!

"Oh, Ten!" Akane said, thrusting some flowers in one of their faces. "For you!"

"F-For me?" he blushed. How cute! Less cute was the expression he made hen the powder shot out. There, one down - "Ah! Ah! Achoo! Achooo!"

Right, so, lesson one is that paralysis powder does not work the same way on Oni as it does on humans. Come to think Akane couldn't remember a time she'd been hit with the stuff. A question for another time when this Ten wasn't constantly sneezing fire everywhere.

"Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!"

"Oh good, now we're in a burning building!" Akane yelled. "Just what we needed! Fire extinguisher! Fire extinguisher! Quick, quick, quick!"

There! She grabbed it and took aim, then pulled the trigger - and doused herself in foam. The stupid thing had misfired (Actually she was holding the nozzle the wrong way)! How was this supposed to put out a fire anyway?!

"Guys, guys, I found marshmallows!" another Ten said, brandishing a packet of them. "You! Roast them for us!"

It was hopeless. Completely hopeless! At this point she had doomed the planet, and probably caused a major fire to begin in the neighborhood. Oh, what was the point? She was no good at this sort of thing. Maybe Kasumi could have handled this, but her? She was no good at housekeeping, so why should she be good at babysitting?

"Hey, hey, don't hold the marshmallow so close, you'll burn it."

Ranma? When did he -

"Thanks Mister!" the Tens cheered as they continued roasting marshmallows. Ranma grabbed the sneezer by the scruff of the neck and leaped off to the kitchen, and had the Ten aimed right at the sink, which was now full of water.

"Sneeze in here, you won't burn the house down. Got it?"

Then he was off, leaving the Ten floating in the air. Huh? Then he took the fire extinguisher and had all the flames out in no time at all. Huh? Huh? How did he - Huh? How was he taking charge so fast after arriving?

The answer to that was simple. For all of his life he's had to put up with some real bullshit. Some of it started by him. Some of it by his old man. Okay, a lot of it by his old man. This left Ranma in quite a few clean up operations in his time.

"Hey guys, make sure you all get a marshmallow, okay? Don't leave anyone out!"

Of course, in this context it came across as the mysterious force called 'dad energy'. The sight of which made Akane feel really weird. Sort of like earlier with the tag challenge in the cell. Like she wanted to reach out and take something.

"Now, guys. What do you think Lum would say if she learned you tried to burn down this crazy lady's house?" Ranma asked. The Tens actually looked sheepish. "You'd better behave yourselves, or she's gonna want to have a word with you about that. Okay?"

"Okay!" the Tens said in unison.

That done, he strode over to Akane with a really handsome shit-eating grin. Guh! She just wanted to... Do something. What was this feeling she was having right now? This emotion was a new one, she'd never experienced it before in her entire life!

"You were having trouble with this, tomboy?" Ranma shrugged. "Pft, don't see what the big deal is."

Ah, but this feeling was more familiar and Akane knew exactly how to react to it.

"The big deal? You just waltz in at the end and try to take all the credit for my hard work?!" Akane asked.

"Yeah, and your hard work almost caused a fire in the neighborhood," Ranma replied. "Really, what were you thinking trying to dose him with paralysis powder? You don't know how different his alien biology is, right?"

"You saw that? How long were you watching?!"

"Long enough to see how uncute you were being! I bet you haven't even noticed teh Tens are disappearing."

The Tens were disappearing? Oh! Would you look at that? They were! One by one, until only one remained. Holding up a marshmallow on a stick and roasting it with his breath. Akane rushed forward and gathered him up.

"Well, you should have helped out sooner!"

"Before I knew what was going on? You're out of your mind!"

"Who is out of whose mind?"

Ten looked up at the bickering pair, exchanging barbs while he floated in between them. Looking down he could see they were holding hands.

"Humans are weird," he said to nobody in particular. A truer statement may never have been spoken.

  1. Ran and Kodachi aren't done with their revenge yet!
  2. Meanwhile  what is Lum up to?
  3. Another day, another alien showing up at the Tendo household
  4. Things are heating up in the restaurant business, as Ukyo and Shampoo have their own problem involving irritating people both loud and/or rich
  5. Something Else


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