Theatre. The classical means of delivering entertainment to the masses. Once seen as crass entertainment for the less well off, a cheap night out held on outside stages. It has evolved over time to the status of high culture, and none other exemplifies this better than The Bard. William Shakespeare, a name known to all who have so much as heard of England, and perhaps even a few that have not.
"Hey, I looked up this guy's surname," Ranma whispered, proving that there's always an exception. "Why is he going around shaking spears anyway?"
“Oh gee, I don’t know. Why are you going around planting rice as a girl?” Nabiki said in response.
Ranma stuck out his tongue, and Nabiki ran a stamp over it, then put it on his forehead. Served him right for making an extremely dumb joke. What was he meant to do? Sit there quietly and watch this dumb boring play? That sounded like it would make time stand still.
"Pst, Ranma!" Akane whispered. Huh? Akane? What was she doing here? "Can I borrow your hot water flask?"
"... What for?" Ranma asked. He tended to keep one on himself these days in case of a stupid accident turning him into a girl. Of course with his luck he then tended to get splashed again within ten minutes.
"Don't ask questions! Hot water flask!"
"Trouble with the production, little sis?" Nabiki asked. "Or did Shampoo make a great big mess in the dressing room when the two of you got a little... inventive with your parts?"
Gulp! Damn you, Nabiki! Damn you for making him imagine that right now! A few months ago he wouldn't have known what she meant by that, but now he had a really solid idea - and it was making his boxers feel a lot less loose than they had a moment ago, so he quickly handed the flask over and resolved that absolutely nothing on this earth could make him stand up.
Even an extremely boring ass play.
...
Oh, hell.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please?" that guy in a weird clownlike getup who was allegedly the Drama Club president at the head of the room said. "Today, I have the great pleasure of introducing to you all a classic, a staple of the theatre. Written almost four hundred years ago in a country half way across the Globe, this is one of the greatest romantic tragedies ever told in fiction: Romeo and Juliet!"
He did a weird swirly bow and Ranma very nearly headbutted the guy sitting in front of him. Awake! He was awake! Man, this was gonna be so dumb. He really didn't want anything to do with this!
"Two households, both alike in dignity," the Drama Club president said. "In fair Verona, where we set our scene."
Meanwhile, the curtain opened behind him and...
"Is that a giant robot?" Kasumi whispered. "I don't remember there being any giant robots in the play."
The background looked more like something you’d see in a sci-fi anime than a kids cartoon. Painted giant robots and high tech looking places. The actors involved were wearing sharp outfits with little sparkling flares.
“Oh yeah. The costume lady said something about it being ‘reimagined’ as ‘sci-fi yuri’ whatever the hell that means.” Ranma said.
"Well. Now it has my full and unbridled attention," Nabiki said. "Well worth the asking price."
"Wasn't this free?" Soun asked.
"Like I said. Well worth the asking price."
“Do with their death bury their parents' strife. The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love.” The narrator continued.
“Wait? They just tell you they die at the end? What gives?” Ranma said.
“It’s called Dramatic Irony, Ranma. I figured you’d be familiar with it. Because your life is entirely guided by it.” Nabiki responded.
Then, quite without warning, one of the giant robot's heads fell off and everyone scrambled around to put it back in place while the narrator continued to drivel on.
"Master Ranma!" Shampoo hissed, suddenly appearing next to Ranma while hanging upside down from the ceiling. She was, for some reason, wearing a bright silver jumpsuit instead of the “Romeo Outfit” Ranma had seen that american girl design so lavishly. "Here is your flask, Lady Akane thank for use!"
"Uh... You're welcome?" Ranma said, taking back his flask and deciding to not ask what it was used for.
"I need to borrow Master Ranma's pigtail tie now," Shampoo said.
“No.” Ranma said.
"I’ll do that thing with the feather duster."
“Get cold water first, and don’t let Pops see it.”
Meanwhile, on the stage, it looked like someone had gone out of their way to recreate the Cantina from Star Wars, but in a way that was just barely legally justifiable as not a copyright breach.
“Shouldn’t you be onstage anyways? Isn’t Romeo, like, the star?”
“There’s some monologues before Romeo and Juliet appear Master, I have time.” Shampoo said. She vanished, and then a minute later came back with a glass of water. One quick splash and hey, she can have the dragon's whisker for a bit if she wants, now it's time to sit down and enjoy this play.
"... Are these two dorks really picking a fight over someone biting their thumb?" Ranma asked.
"Think of it as the old England equivalent of pulling down your eyelid," Kasumi whispered back.
"Om nom nom nom nom!" Nabiki said, making a big show of biting her thumb at Ranma.
"M-Miss Saotome?" an extremely nervous voice asked. Oh, it was one of those occult loving dorks that was really blatantly stalking him Akane and Shampoo. "Um, Shampoo asked me to give you back your pigtail tie, and to tell you she's got three feather dusters lined up."
Ding! Good thing she was in girl form, or she'd be fully erect again.
"Also... We were wondering if we might be able to borrow your... lockpicks? I mean, I'm not sure why you'd have them on you but..."
"Oh sure I have them right - waaait, what's going on back there?" Ranma asked.
She adjusted her glasses, “Err, it’s best you not know. If we do our jobs then the play will go smoothly and you’ll never notice why we needed these.”
Coincidentally, at that very moment all the robot's heads started to flash and beep really quite loudly and obnoxiously. Just as Shampoo, er, Romeo walked in on the stage with another character. They talked for a bit but it was a bit hard to hear from the beeping. It got shut off after a minute of shaking in the back.
“Why, Romeo, art thou mad?” The other guy said, now being heard clearly.
“She’d be pretty mad about that noise.” Ranma said.
“Oh they mean ‘mad’ in the sense of ‘madness’, he’s asking why Romeo is acting crazy.” Kasumi said.
“That doesn’t work in Japanese.” Nabiki complained to the fourth wall, while Ranma handed the occult club stalker her lockpicks. "But there you go, it's not like our creator would make these kind of cracks in her native language anyway."
"Well, it's unlikely she'd have seen Mystery Science Theatre 3000, so she probably wouldn't consider the possibility of riffing Shakespeare," Kasumi said.
"What's riffing?" Ranma asked, demonstrating once and for all that he is a man without culture or class.
Before he could get his answer, about a dozen or two chains shot out from offstage, wrapped around the cast member standing next to Shampoo, and hauled them offstage right as they were about to say their next line.
This felt like around the time that Ranma should probably get involved.
- What nonsense is Mousse up to this time?
- Actually it turns out Mousse is already a solved problem and this is something else.
- Ranma tries to get involved, Akane makes a sexual promise similar to Shampoo's to get him to sit down.
- Ranma makes things worse.
- Something else
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