Story: Negima Carrot + Stick

Already posted on addventure, but putting here for completeness.


You know, all things considered, Asuna had seen some pretty inexplicable things recently. Finding out that magic was real, that was a bit of a kicker. Seeing it in action, all kinds of impossible things happening all around her... Yeah, that was a bit surreal. On that basis it wasn things that weren't inherently magical or supernatural that confused her anymore. How could it? No. It was more mundane things that were pretty damned inexplicable that were making her scratch her head these days.

Things like "Why was that pervy ermine wandering around campus with its little stoat arms clutching sticks to its chest?" Now, don't get her wrong. If this was its new hobby, collecting little bits of sticks instead of underwear, she could live with that. Trouble was, by now she didn't buy that for a second. Therefore -

"Ahem!" she loudly coughed. The way the ermine jumped betrayed that he was really and actually up to something after all. "What's all this for?"

"What's what for?" the ermine asked. Asuna pointedly stared at the bundle it was carrying. "Oh, these? It's an ermine thing! Nothing to worry about."

"It's because you're telling me not to worry that I'm starting to worry," Asuna replied. "What is that for?"

"Just building a little something! Really now, you should try to relax a little bit more. Am I really so wicked that anything I do is immediately suspect?"

"Yes, actually," Asuna said, reaching down to grab him by the scruff of the neck. She picked him up to eye level and stared at him quite intently. Little beads of sweat formed around his face. Yep. Definitely up to something. And that something was definitely full of perverted intention!

"Th-Then what do you think I'm doing? After all, in a real justice system it's not guilty until proven innocent! Do you have evidence I was doing anything untoward? Huh? Do you?!"

"No. But that just means I'll have to keep an eye on you until I know for a fact that you're not up to something."

"Ah, ah, ah! Surely a pretty young girl like you has better things to do than watch a cute little ermine like me all day," it whined. "After all, don't you have friends and homework and other things more worth doing with your time than keeping an eye on little old harmless me?"

"... Now I really am certain you're up to something!" Asuna said, but this time her attempt to pick up the little troublemaker went exactly nowhere. When the mood took it, that thing moved pretty damned fast! Carried off that little bundle of sticks and ran around a corner faster than she could keep up! No telling where it went, leaving her capable of doing little more than stomping her foot and resolving to warn the others.
"Whatever you're up to," she warned basically thin air. "We'll put a stop to it before it even gets started!"

Funny. It must have been a trick of the wind. She could have sworn she heard the blasted nuisance's laughter echoing all around her.

<hr>
Lunchtime is always a favoured moment of the day for faculty and students alike. Not only do they get a break from lessons, but also a prime opportunity to fill their hungry bellies and replenish their strength to finish off the remains of the day!

But there was another reason. Oh yes, there absolutely was. Fill their bellies with food? Oh, sure. Replenish their strength? How glorious! Another factor was simply this: Their tastebuds would receive a glorious experience. For at the Chao Bao Zi you could treat those tastebuds to delights you could not find anyplace else!

Though for the moment please ignore the crowds of people approaching the cart, ready to part ways with their money for a delicious, yummy treat. Instead cast your eyes towards the ground, where you might behold a tiny, white, slender shape slinking along at a rapid pace. For once, ignoring the easy opportunity for a little upskirt peeking and that's how you know he was serious about his task! Instead, his destination was something else. Something more sinister. He was heading directly for -

A gentle force, like a calming breeze scooped him up and held him in place. All of a sudden, without a trace of warning Chamo found himself staring up at the smiling face of Satsuki Yotsuba.

"Silly ermine," she said. "Food is for paying customers."

It was in times like this that one must depend entirely upon the weapons available. Since Chamo was a perverted, defenseless little stoat, the only weapon available to him was, in fact, a considerable one. The mightiest have fallen before it, trembling in awe. It is legendary in its application, and yet nigh irresistible whether wary of it or not.

Behold, Satsuki! The might of the "big, adorable eye"!

"Just one little carrot?" he pleaded. "I'm sooo hungry! Is that so much to ask?"

"Well, Asuna did say you were up to something strange..." Satsuki said. "But I don't see the harm in giving you one little carrot!"

"Thanks a bunch!"

Which is when Chamo got access to his second weapon, which he would deploy every bit as ruthlessly as the first. You see, the carrot had been stored in a miniature portable refrigeration compartment alongside other vegetables. As such, it was a mite cold, though would soon enough thaw. With colder than room temperature carrot at his disposal, all he had to do now was use his tiny little ermine hands to tremendous effect, and in so doing live up to his "reputation" as a pervert by putting it in a place nobody should ever put such a thing!

Right between Satsuki's boobs.

"Ooh!" she yelped. "Cold! That's cold! Aha! It tickles, oh gosh, I need to get it out of there! W-wait, Chamo, please don't - Haha!"

The perfect distraction to allow him to grab as many as he could carry, simultaneously distracting the chef herself and all the bystanders. Because pervert or no, who can resist watching a cute girl trying to extract a carrot from a place like that? Especially when it slipped down further into her shirt from her squirming, meaning she had to pull on her shirt with one hand to even hope of reaching the vegetable.

<hr>
So he'd made a few enemies today. Whoops! He did so terribly hate getting caught, but something like this... A thing like this was too big for him to really care. At every turn it felt like one of the girls was watching him intensely as he picked up sticks and stole carrots from every which where he could find them. But here they were! All piled up in a nice little hiding place with no less than thirty-two sticks and thirty-two carrots. It was hard going, but he'd done it! Enough for 'em all, gathered here in one spot!

Sure. Sayo's desk wasn't exactly the ideal place to stay outta sight, but it wasn't like she was using it for anything, and nobody was even here for half the day. So... Winner, winner all around, now this ermine won't be found!

He tugged out a piece of paper detailing the spell. It was a pretty simple one, all truth told. Put a stick on one side of a sleeping target's head, a carrot on the other. Then a simple little incantation of "Perversio libidinum, uievit dolore! Pavlovis caninus!" and off you went! Simple spell for the most indirect mind control he'd ever heard of. Pleasure for perversion. Discomfort for non-perversion. In no time at all, those girls would see what it meant to be a pervert!

"Yess... Yesss!" he cackled, though really that was more for his own amusement than actual expressed emotion. "Soon they shall fall, one by one! If I'm reading this correctly they won't even know what's going on until it's already too late! So many delectable targets, but where, oh where, do I even start...?"

1. Asuna
2. Nodoka
3. Konoka
4. Setsuna
5. Yue
6. Something else