Been a while since a non-Tainted Cube Haruhi thread got an update.
Needless to say, Kyon immediately discarded two of those options without needing to so much as think for a second about the matter. Given his current situation, the one thing he absolutely had to avoid was anything that might lead down <i>that</i> path. Certainly, some might call him boring for not taking advantage of the situation, but he liked to think of it more as being principled and sensible. Besides which. Kyon somehow doubted very much that “taking advantage” of the situation would be looked upon particularly kindly by entities that regularly rearranged reality to suit their own whims and needs. Sure, they wouldn’t be able to do anything permanent without risking Haruhi’s wrath, but Kyon had enough imagination to figure out ways they could hurt him that wouldn’t trigger a Haruhipocalypse. Heaven only knows what they could come up with, given that they actually knew their own limits and were far, far smarter than him.
In any event, that left him with two other options: One leading to an exposition dump, the other likely skipping the exposition dump to move onto the next point of gameplay. Okay then. Put in those terms the choice was rather obvious. Find out what the hell he was supposed to do! Then he wouldn’t accidentally doom the universe, or himself or anyone else for that matter. Never mind running before you can walk, let’s at least identify our feet before we trip.
“What do I need to do?” he asked, and time seemed to restart. Though, Yuki was not letting go. If anything her grip around him was tightening a little bit, though was still not remotely uncomfortable. In fact, there was something peculiarly pleasant about it.
“Yuki: Data is manifesting from an unknown source. Analysing for malicious intention. Malicious intention not found. Data is 100% benign, and related to the rules of this reality. Processing. Processing complete. Initiating tutorial subroutine.”
Suddenly, Yuki dissolved right in his arms. Kyon’s breath caught in his throat for a moment, but he calmed considerably when she reappeared on the other side of the room. Though only for a moment. After all, she had manifested in the form of what he could only hope to describe as a “sexy teacher”. One that he could not, in spite of himself, tear his eyes away from. The jaunty music filling his ears was certainly not helping. Not by a long, long way.
“Sexy Teacher Yuki: You’ve been a bad student, Kyon! Now it is time for your lessons to begin so that you may play this game correctly and return reality to its proper state of existence with minimal damage to yourself, the fabric of space and time and Haruhi’s psyche.” How very reassuring. “Please pick an option from the menu so that we may begin our lesson with speed and precision.”
A list of options appeared before him, prompting Kyon to sigh wearily. Well. No point in missing any of it. He would just go through the list and try to pick it all up. It couldn’t be all that complicated, right?
“Sexy Teacher Yuki: You picked ‘Game Objective’. You must form a harem of significant size, and have sex with as many girls as you can.”
Right. Kyon nodded. That objective made sense for the perverted kind of game this apparently was. All he had to do was ensure he had sex with - Hang on, run that by him again?
“You will begin the game with three (3) Hearts. Whenever you are rejected by a girl, one Heart will break. Should all Hearts break, the game will end and reality will join you. When a new girl joins your harem, one quarter of a new Heart will manifest. Gather as many Hearts as you can to protect yourself and the fabric of reality.”
This kind of game… To be trapped in a game like this! What the hell was Haruhi thinking? Was she dreaming? In which case, please wake up at any time! Kyon was too decent a person to participate in something like this, but then again the very nature of reality was at stake! Never mind his own life, but all lives everywhere in the universe depended on him getting laid over and over again!
A traitorous part of his mind piped up, asking why he was complaining. Kyon rolled his eyes and resolved to kill that part of himself off somehow later on. For now though, he selected the next option.
“Sexy Teacher Yuki: You picked ‘Acquiring Skills’. During the game, it will become necessary for you to make use of certain skills to clear different kinds of obstacles. As you are an ordinary human boy, it is necessary for you to acquire these skills from the girls in your harem.
”When a girl has been added to your harem, simply access the menu system by touching your tie.” The room melted away, and was replaced with a blackboard featuring numerous options, the top one being ‘Harem’, which had a hand pointed to it. The others were greyed out, practically unreadable on the black surface. “Reach out and touch the ‘Harem’ option. Right now, you don’t have any members of your Harem, so we shall add Yuki Nagato for the purposes of demonstration.”
The blackboard was replaced with a series of blank squares, a scroll bar and various text boxes. Kyon knew enough about games to figure it out from here, and ran through what was being said automatically. It was simple enough. Touch the girl’s portrait like <i>so</i> and you see a list of skills that can come up. Yuki’s talent was data manipulation, which was currently at level one. Her skills could be levelled up by having different kinds of sex with her, and, oh goodness, but Kyon felt ever so dizzy all of a sudden as the enormity of what was happening to him just sort of ran into him at high speed. Not only did he have to seduce girls - presumably girls he actually knew - but he had to make use of their “special skills”, which he could level up by repeatedly having sex with them with more experience points given out for variety and - And this whole thing was completely ridiculous! Not that he seemed to have any choice but to go along with it. So, with that in mind, he picked the next option on the menu.
“Sexy Teacher Yuki: You selected ‘Items and Costumes’. Once again, please enter the menu. There you will find two further menu options: Within ‘Items’, you will find various different items you have purchased or otherwise acquired. Here, you will see descriptions of these items and, if possible, you may use them. Sometimes during a conversation an option will arise to show an item to the other person, which will bring you to this menu.
“‘Costumes’: The school uniform rules are much looser than one might expect. You may instruct any girl within your harem to alter their costume in a variety of ways, some of which must be unlocked. These will in turn unlock special effects. You may see the effect each costume has before applying it, so don’t worry about experimenting until you find the effect that you like.”
Okay. That didn’t seem so bad. But that only meant there was probably something really terrible lurking around the corner, just waiting for him to trip over it.
“Sexy Teacher Yuki: You selected ‘Stats’. Each character you interact with has a variety of stats. Simply select the option on the menu. The stats shall now be explained for your benefit.
“‘Strength’ indicates the level of a character’s physical strength. Should they attempt to assault a person or object, this will indicate the damage inflicted. ‘Dexterity’ indicates speed and flexibility. ‘Stamina’ indicates how long a character can engage in strenuous activity before needing a rest, and how quickly they can recover during a rest period. ‘Intelligence’ indicates problem-solving ability, and the ability to draw in new information. ‘Charisma’ indicates how likable and persuasive a character is. ‘Observe’ indicates how observant a character is, and can be used to detect deception. ‘Shyness’ indicates how easily flustered a character is.
“The stats of all girls in your harem are known at all times, and can be manipulated by altering Costumes or using certain Items. Other characters’ stats can only be learned by using certain abilities. Your own stats may also be viewed from this menu.”
Alright then. From this point, everything seemed rather straightforward, at least in game terms. Sort of a blend of RPG elements and an erotic story. It was also becoming increasingly clear that, though the character in front of him looked like Yuki in a far too revealing, barely buttoned blouse and far too short skirt, it was certainly not her. Just an automated feedback machine responding to his own instructions. The real Yuki, as real as anything got in this game, was probably completely unaware of what was going on here and would behave like any other character in the game.
Game. Ha! If you could call it a game! It felt more like he’d been trapped in some form of erotic fanfiction, forced to dance for someone else’s amusement. By amusement, he meant fapping material. Obviously. He rose to his feet and selected the final option, causing the sexy teacher version of Yuki to vanish into thin air, leaving him with nothing to do now but try to keep the fundamental nature of reality from crumbling all around him while repeatedly having sex, building a harem, and, god help him, he just realised that Haruhi herself was almost certainly the final boss. Well. That did rather leave a question, didn’t it? Where the hell should he start?
- He runs into Koizumi, who has some sort of shop/advice centre going.
- Kyon encounters Haruhi, who teases him, flirts with him, then blows him off and to his surprise leaves him blueballed.
- Kyon encounters Haruhi, who is revelling in final boss status.
- Kyon encounters Mikuru… From the future! She’s here to help his first conquest.
- Kyon encounters Mikuru from this time, and she seems confused by what’s happening.
- Something else
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