Story: Urusei Yatsura: First Impressions

I had intended to do this one next week, but inspiration struck early. I hope you enjoy it!


It was a difficult thing, stomping into a room in a huff while levitating through the air. It loses some of its impact without the solid feeling of a heel slamming into the ground with a satisfying “thud”. It’s a funny thing, but that noise and the knowledge it was caused by the irate person often helps that person discharge some of that anger. Without that sound the anger just builds and builds until it inevitably reaches a pressure too great for the mind to be kept in, and all of a sudden Lum was throwing her chair across the room.

At her best Lum was an extremely attractive alien girl who just so happened to have cute little horns protruding from the top of her head. This particular image was enhanced significantly by the fact that her typical attire consisted of a striped bikini and a pair of boots. One might think this could leave her a little bit chilled, but considering that her non-flight-oriented superhuman ability involved the spontaneous generation of electricity - well, let’s just say that she has a fast and efficient metabolism that generates sufficient warmth within her own body that this is not quite so much of an issue. So, you could say that she was hot and she was warm.

So, that was at her best. Sexy, beautiful, very easy on the eyes, cute as a button. At her worst? Fangs. Big angry eyes. Electricity sparking through the air around her. ‘Twas a sight that would send most men fleeing for the hills or at the very least for something to shelter under to hide from the inevitable lightning.

As a side note? That’s actually a pretty horrible idea. Much better to stay away from tall things in a thunderstorm and keep as low as possible. Less likely to be hit that way. Not that even this would save you from Lum’s wrath, because her lightning could be directed towards its intended target. In that particular instance the best advice is to not piss her off.

“What kind of a boyfriend is he anyway?!” Lum yelled. “All Rei wants to do is eat! Eat! Eat! Food is all he thinks about! All he cares about! How can someone that handsome be so damned stupid?! Doesn’t he know that I have needs too? Doesn’t he care?!”

It just wasn’t fair! He was the most handsome guy in the universe, but could be outwitted by a bag of rocks. If that bag of rocks was suffering from a hangover and a concussion, and had just handed Rei a sheet of paper with the header “The exact method I intend to use to deceive you.”

Not that it would be hard or anything. All that would ever be needed to trick Rei would be a cupcake. Just, put it precariously on a cliff edge and he’d walk right off after it. Strap it to a pole longer than his arms, and stick the other end of that pole on his head and he’d walk around the planet trying to get it.

There was nothing else for it but to slump onto her bed in a huff. Lum had her pick of any boyfriend she wanted, and she went shallow. Should’ve been easy. Wasn’t like she wanted anything particularly much. In point of fact, she’d written up a list of qualities for what she was looking for in a boyfriend and at first glance Rei had seemed ideal! It was three items long and went something like this.

1: A
2: Fantastic.
3: Shag.

Lum shuddered and felt an old familiar itch start to flare up. It had been kept at bay by her anger at Rei’s lack of empathy for anything outside his digestive system. But now? As it always did after a date with Rei it was back. With a vengeance. Her hand slid down her trim stomach and snaked under the waistband of her bikini bottoms. Moments after this, she mewled happily.

“Mmm, Rei! Why can’t you see? I’m soooo horny! I’d be yours if you asked me! Stop eating that food and eat me out instead!”

But idle fantasy was barely cutting it anymore. It was taking her longer and longer to reach orgasm, and it was only now that she was starting to understand exactly why. She’d aimed too shallow. She’d aimed for a looker. Lum now understood that she should have been aiming for someone able to satisfy her, regardless of how they looked.

What Lum really needed was a completely incurable pervert. Someone that could keep up with her needs and wants. Someone inventive, someone kinda cute in their own way. Right now she’d settle for any of that, but at this very moment in time she had nothing else to satisfy her save that which was powered by battery. She withdrew such a device from her desk and smiled before eagerly licking it from top to bottom. Yes, this was exactly what she needed right now. It was big, it was long and it was covered in yellow and black stripes. Exactly what she needed right now. It was a funny thing. Any other girl would be paying twice their allowance to keep up with how often she used this particular device to its fullest, but since Lum was a sort of living battery herself… Well. It was simply an effective cost-cutting measure, wasn’t it?

Lum smirked as she saw it jump to life with a little spark from her hand. Oh, yes. This would certainly take the edge off after a frustrating date with that handsome, rock-dumb, gluttonous stud. It wasn’t even necessary to tease herself a little, she was already so wet that it slid right inside with barely any resista-

“Exciting news, pumpkin!” her father bellowed from the door. Lum’s eyes went wild, and she rapidly did the only thing she could do in the time allowed before the door crashed open and there stood a hulking, giant, ogre-like being with a half-manic grin.

“H-Hello, Daddy,” Lum said, squirming slightly on her bed. Oh, goodness, but this was horrible timing! “What sort of n-news did you mean?”

“We’ve found another planet to conquer! Some primitive place called Earth. They still think light is the speed limit of the universe, apparently. What a hoot! Shouldn’t take long to make ’em surrender!”

“I-I see! That does sound fuuuuuhn.” The word wasn’t so much said as exhaled. She had to control her emotions better, or she might well send little bursts of electricity into completely the wrong place, and then - well, that was barely worth thinking about!

“That’s not the exciting part,” her father said, chuckling and giving her a reassuring pat on the shoulder that caused her body to shake and - ah, ah, ah! - reminded her that he really didn’t know his own strength. “Your mother and I got to talking, and we decided that you were old enough to run this game yourself!”

Lum’s breath caught in her throat. Run her own game? She’d be the one playing tag with a random native? As per tradition before they conquered a planet? She’d been looking forward to this for years! Lum’s fingers curled around her matress in a futile attempt to control herself. Control. Don’t get too excited about this, or you’ll get <b>really</b> excited about this! No! Not now! Not -

“Oh, yessssss!”

“I knew you’d be happy!” her father said! “Haha, we just need to make the preparations, and we’ll be there by morning. You have a good night’s sleep, pumpkin, and we’ll screw those humans when we arrive!”

“Yes! Yes! YES!”

As her father left, Lum was barely aware of him laughing to himself and the words “That’s my girl! Can barely wait to take over a primitive culture! She does her daddy proud!”

As an anticipation-induced orgasm rocked her body into a state of near unconsciousness, Lum’s mind began to wander. Her first game of tag against a soo- to-be-conquered alien being! It was so exciting! She could hardly wait to find out who it would be!
<hr>
Today sucked. Just like yesterday sucked. Just like tomorrow sucked. Just like the rest of his life would suck.

“Come on, Ataru! You can’t let that alien girl beat you!”

Yeah, that was pretty brilliant reassurance coming from his ex-girlfriend. Sort of ex-girlfriend. She’d dumped him just a little while before this whole ordeal started just a few days ago, and - well, she could hardly pretend that she had meant it after all of this broke out. Oh, yes. He could see it so clearly. Those government agents, that massive alien, the absurd conditions upon which the freedom of the human race ultimately depended… If he did live a long life after this he would never, ever forget this week. Knowing his luck, that was exactly what was going to happen.

“I don’t know. She can fly and throw around electricity. How am I supposed to catch up with that?”

“You were able to steal her bra! If you could get that, then you can get her!”

That much was true. He’d used a fishing line to try and snag her and wound up grabbing the bra portion of her bikini ensemble. It was safely nestled in his pocket, a souvenir of his one and only success in the tag race of freedom so far. Hah! What a joke! This game was rigged from the word go, an attempt to humiliate the species before they rolled right in with whatever weird and advanced weapons they had and then they would have their way with the whole human race. Who could stop them? Nobody. Nobody could dream of stopping them. Damn the luck! Why did it have to be him?!

“Could you please leave me alone for a while?” he said. “I need to concentrate. I need to come up with a plan… And I need to work out a little. If I’m to catch that Lum, I need to think!”

“Alright,” Shinobu said. “Good luck. You’re going to need it.”

Good luck, she says. Since when did anything lucky ever happen to him? Hah! Ataru Moroboshi was the living embodiment of misfortune! An avatar of misery, a hopeless shell of a man forever destined to twist around in the tornado of despair. Nothing good ever happened to him. Nothing.

“Hey!” a familiar, by now grating voice called from the window. “Give it back!”

He turned around to see a certain hot alien chick glowering at him with her arms covering her chest. “Give what back?”

“You know what!” she said, slamming her hands down upon his desk and - my goodness, but those were nice - staring a hole right through him. “You took it away from me earlier on! I want it back!”

“You don’t mean… this?” he said, extracting it from his pocket with a flourish. “Come and get it! What’s wrong, don’t have a spare?”

“Idiot. We only play tag during those specific hours. You did read the rules, didn’tcha?”

“Not sure why you even want it back at all,” Ataru smirked. “You don’t seem to mind putting yourself on display!”

Lum grimaced a little, and covered herself up again. Damn. Maybe he should’ve kept that particular taunt for later on. “Give it back!” she demanded again.

“Make me!”

The standoff was tense as the two stared at each other. Yeah. That’s right, you bitch. Suffer a little. If he was gonna be humiliated over the entire globe because of her and her race, then it was time for a little payback. Let her just try and take this back, and she’d find out that the human race had a bit more fight to it than they might first appear! When their backs were to the wall a human’s spine was as steel!

“If you give it back, I’ll sleep with you.”

… And so were their dicks.

“I’m sorry,” Ataru said. “I think I misunderstood you. Could you please repeat that?”

“Ugh. Stupid humans. Alright. I will have sex with you if you give me back my bikini top. Got that? No? The beast with two backs? To fuck? To screw? To shag? To do the Neptune twist? The black hole gambit? To <i>make love</i>? Pick one, and let’s get to it.”

Right. So. He had something she wanted so desperately that she’d sleep with him to get it back. Which meant he could probably bargain with it or somehow use it to win the tag race. Or, he could just cast aside his virginity and have a single night of fun before spending the rest of his life in abject misery.

<i>“This report just in: Ataru Moroboshi sucks. That is all.”</i>

… Thank you, mister radio for making up his mind. Screw the human race anyway! What had it done for him? Had it gotten him laid? Nope! “Get over here,” he said with a manic grin. Some offers were simply too good to waste.

1. Lemon scene ahoy!
2. Lum decides to help Ataru win the race on the last day.
3. Ataru comes up with a plan to win the race without help.
4. The next day, the two of them are very obviously tired during the race.
5. Ataru loses the race! Humanity is enslaved by Oni!
6.     Something else