Story: Neon Retcon Evangelion

Continuing from the first option of this thread.
I seem to be drawn to threads like this. Oh well.


To rewind a few months, to a simpler time. A happier time. A time where Shinji Ikari was standing in an empty street, growing increasingly worried that maybe he’d missed his ride. He looked again at the postcard, and thought “What a ride it is!” while carefully maintaining his mask of innocence because you never ever know who is watching. He was good at it by now. It had gotten him a lot of groping opportunities at school - say just the right thing to piss off a bully, get pushed around a little somewhere a cute girl could see and revel in the comfort they gave. Revel in it! Tricks like that always seemed to work, on just about anyone and nobody ever seemed to twig. It was like magic. Almost like no matter what he did, nobody clued in that he was a massive, massive pervert.

He was standing in this particular street so very far from home for one particular reason. His father had sent for him. That was not the reason. No sir! He was this close to nailing his hot science teacher. Who needed the hassle of dealing with the old man when there was tail to chase back home? Ah! But his father had apparently thought of that as well, and instructed a certain Misato Katsuragi to pick him up.

It might have been a coincidence or it might have been his father’s way of ensuring that Shinji would - as instructed - come. Sending him a picture like that, one of the most appealing women he’d ever laid eyes on. Bending over in a manner calculated to show off as much cleavage as possible, even to the point that there was an arrow pointing directly at them. “Pay attention here”? Hah! He’d not even noticed the arrow until he’d already arrived at the pickup point!

If his magic was as reliable here as it was back home then Shinji could hardly wait to have a little fun with Miss Katsuragi. If this was any manner of indication regarding her behaviour, then he was going to have an awful lot of fun during this family reunion. If only she would hurry up and get here, so the fireworks could begin!

Right about then was when he heard the first of many explosions he would hear throughout the course of the day. A monster rolled into view, a colossal beast with a humanoid form but nothing else aesthetically in common with people. Two arms, two legs, a head(maybe?) a torso and... The general shape was right, but that really was about where it ended. Oh. And let’s not forget the fighter planes spinning around it, firing away with all the effectiveness of flies attacking the sky itself.

Shinji stared up at the monster in awe as it shrugged off the bullets and missiles with effortless ease, and he very nearly missed the sound of the approaching vehicle and its squealing brakes. “Get in!” a woman’s voice called, and he needed no further instruction. Shinji dove in, his heart pounding a mile a minute and then it went a little bit faster as it became apparent that reckless driving was probably the most generous description he could give of the car’s route through the street.

“Shinji Ikari?” the woman’s voice came again. “I’m Misato Katsuragi. Sorry about being late, especially for a kid as cute as you.”

Whatever he had been about to say stopped dead in his throat. Was she flirting with him? Nah. Couldn’t be.

The car swerved to a halt, and Misato pulled out some binoculars to take a better look at the battle - incidentally shoving her rather delectable rear end right into his face. A slight adjustment to the rear view mirror, and he could use it to be more discreet in his rear viewing. Very nice.

“Oh hell! N2 mine! Get down!”

Before he could react in the slightest, Misato had flung her body atop his. He knew he’d like Misato Katsuragi, but right about now Shinji was thinking that he was in love.

<hr>
Dammit Misato, stop it. Just. Stop it right now. This manner of behaviour was incredibly unhealthy, and as NERV’s tactical officer it might be good to show a little bit of self restraint. It wasn’t even that the commander’s son was particularly attractive or anything, it was simply that he was a guy and that seemed to be enough to trigger... whatever the hell was wrong with her.

He was a bit of an odd kid, it must be said. Shinji expressed minimal interest in the rather awe inspiring sight of the Geofront as they descended down this long, hard path, penetrating deep into the very heart of the most private of pl-

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Unhealthy thoughts! Bad thoughts! Naughty thoughts that need to be punished, disciplined, spanked...

Now it was getting recursive. Not a good sign. Not even a little bit.

“This is where your father works,” Misato said, trying to distract herself by thinking about the one man she never, ever felt the urge to flirt with. She had tried that once. Only once. Never again. Even her... disorder wasn’t enough to make her try that again. Not after the way that Ritsuko had so kindly and gently explained that the Commander was not to be disturbed in such a manner.

“Yeah, it’s nice enough I guess,” Shinji sighed. “Any idea why he wanted me here?”

“What, you don’t think he’d want to meet with his charming son out of the blue like this?”

“I know him pretty well by now. He wants me for something. And that something has little to nothing to do with the fact that I am his son. He has a use for me. That is all.”

Misato felt the sudden and inexplicable urge to hug him and smother him in affection. That poor kid! It wasn’t hard to imagine Gendo Ikari treating his own flesh and blood like that. He always seemed so... cold. Distant. As though emotions were a nuisance, a vulnerability. An intolerable weakness. Having a man like that for a father must have been dreadful.

<hr>
Well. A giant robot. A giant goddamn robot. Shinji pinched himself and found that he was still right where he was a moment ago. Not a dream? Probably not. If it had been a dream, he would’ve found out what he’d eaten the night before and sworn off it for life.

“This is the ultimate human achievement,” the hot blonde doctor said. “An artificial human! This is Evangelion!”

The wheels turned rather quickly in Shinji’s head. “This is why father brought me here, isn’t it? To pilot this?”

“Very astute!” came a voice he’d honestly hoped never to hear again. Shinji spun around and found himself staring up into the eyes of his father, Gendo Ikari. “It’s been a long time. Doctor Akagi, prepare Unit 01 for launch.”

“What?” Misato gasped. “You can’t be serious! Unit 01 doesn’t have a pilot ready, unless... You can’t send him up, he has no training! No experience at all!”

“Unless you haven’t noticed,” Doctor Akagi said, “There is an Angel on our doorstep. With Unit 00 out of commission, we have little choice in the matter.”

Right. Shinji mentally pushed Doctor Akagi down a few spots on his list, which currently looks something like:
1: Misato
2: ???
3: Misato
4: Akagi

Beyond that things needed a little filling in. Gotta meet more babes and work that innocent charm! But wait, first things first his brain was catching up to what was happening around him and it did not like any of this situation one little tiny bit.

“W-wait a minute here! You - you mean you plan to send me up in that thing? To fight that monster? No way! I can’t do it!”

“All we need is for you to sit in it. If you don’t then we shall all die.”

“No, father! I won’t do it! You can’t just drop this on someone”

After the briefest moment of silence, his father had the audacity to smile. “Have Rei brought in. She will have to pilot instead.”
Right. So they had an alternative. Good. The situation wasn’t quite as hopeless as they were trying to guilt trip him into believing it was. He didn’t have to pilot, someone else could take care of it and oh hell it was the girl in the gurney, wasn’t it?

Just his luck. The one other pilot they had was injured to the point where every breath came out as a gasp of pain. It pained him to see such a sight, to know that someone that pretty was hurt that badly and she’ll probably die because you won’t do shit all about it.

His thoughts were rather rudely interrupted by the Angel striking with enough force to cause the entire Geofront to shudder in a situation not entirely unlike an earthquake. Debris fell from the ceiling, and before he even knew what was happening Shinji was diving to save the injured pretty girl in a futile attempt to get her the hell out of the way. He couldn’t act fast enough to do more than kill both of them in the attempt, but apparently that did not matter. The Evangelion wrenched a hand free of its restraints and blocked it from falling, but right about now his thoughts were rather otherwise occupied. After all, he was a pervert holding onto a rather pretty, gasping girl that was naked without these bandages. Rei, huh? Well, it looked like he had a whole new entry onto his list!

“I’ll do it! I’ll pilot!”

Above them all, looking down on this scene from a walkway, Gendo Ikari smiled.