So, one moment Ranma Saotome was sitting down. About to enjoy a nice meal that Akane had helpfully prepared for him (though it was strange, his notes were quite adamant that he should do everything he could to avoid her cooking) and the next thing he knew he was chewing on something with a completely bland taste, with a terrible texture that was almost like fabric.
Then he realised that he was standing in the middle of a street and that the thing he was attempting to eat was a pair of women's underwear.
"Pervert!" a strange woman yelled, bopping an unprepared Ranma on the head with an umbrella. "It's not enough that you're helping that old man steal women's underwear, you have to taste them too?!"
Huh? What? What?!
"Goodness me Ranma me boy!" a shrivelled up monkey said, hopping right in front of him while carrying a bag. "Even I am willing to wait for some privacy before having a taste! Ohoho! You'll make a fine student yet!"
Huh... Ranma's danger sense was tripping up a storm. Also, there was a sound almost like the rumble of thunder right behind him. He turned around and beheld, to his dismay, a group of rather irritated looking women and girls, each brandishing mops, brooms, vacuum cleaners, and other such cleaning tools repurposed as weaponry. Though one housewife had a naginata.
“Gotta avoid Yumi, she’s a third Dan with that blade.” The old man whispered. He patted Ranma on the shoulder, let out a sound that was either a braying jackass or a maniacal lecherous laugh and then hopped off onto the nearest rooftop while screaming "What a haul! What a haul!"
Ranma tossed aside the panties he'd been chewing on, tried to forget what it tasted like and really sincerely wished that he'd had a bite of Akane's odd looking fish stew instead. It would be a few more jumps before he learned how lucky this miss had been, but for now he was genuinely irate at the timing of the jump and that old man seemed like a fair target for letting out some of his irritation.
"Hey! Panty thieving monkey!" Ranma called out, leaping up to the rooftop away from the gathering crowd just before they reached him. To his amazement the old creep had managed a fair distance already "Get back here! Give those women their panties back!"
"Their panties? You mean my sweet haul!" was the reply. Ew, gross! "My silky darlings have been rescued! Tralala, catch me if you can Ranma my boy! It'll be good for your training!"
Oh, he was absolutely not looking forward to getting to know this old man in the past/future.
"Ranma Saotome! You vile cur! Mind where you place your feet!"
And speaking of people he'd rather not get to know, in his attempt to kick the old man Ranma's foot met the face of one Tatewaki Kuno. Admittedly that was a feeling that would probably never grow old, but still it did make the idiot toss some weird looking egg right up into the air. Rolling his eyes, Ranma reached up and snatched it out of the air. He wasn't the kind of guy to want to have to owe this Kuno jerk anything, not least because of some stupid egg.
"Here you go," he said, placing the egg right on top of the dummy's head. "Have a hat. It suits you!"
Weirdly it didn't seem like Kuno especially agreed with that assessment. His hand slowly reached up and patted the egg perched on top of his head in total disbelief. "You... Have done something completely forbidden!" Kuno announced. He looked to the left, looked to the right. “Thankfully there are no women about so it’s not too late to salvage-”
Ranma would one day learn that tempting fate like that was never a good idea, the cloudy sky deciding this was the perfect time to start raining was a great example of this.
"Ah, my beloved!" Kuno called, scooping Ranma up into a tight embrace. She slipped right on out of that right away! Yuck, she'd rather try eating those panties again! "You return to your true form, and just in the nick of time!"
"Huh? True form?" Ranma grunted. Ah, but then the egg began to crack. Bright light shone out of those cracks, as though there was some great inferno contained within the egg waiting to be let out. Then the shells exploded outwards and all around had to cover their eyes to keep the light from blinding them. It was brilliant, it was dazzling, it was -
"Squaaaark!"
A fat doofy looking bird sitting on top of Kuno's head. Ranma stared up at it in yet more disbelief. What the hell had she jumped into this time? The bird's eyes creaked open, settled in on Ranma with an ominous weight, and then -
It suddenly darted forwards without a hint of warning, its beak pecking out like a pneumatic drill with a precision and speed so intense that Ranma couldn't keep track of it at all! This attack - this bird - This was unthinkable, unimaginable and terrible! It was... It was!
"Unbuttoning my shiiiiirt!" Ranma screamed, grabbing hold of the two halves of her now fully unbuttoned shirt and pulling it closed. The bird struck again, pecking at the backs of her hands until she left them alone. "Hey, what's the big idea!" she yelled, moving in to strike - only for another burst of blinding light to shine off from the bird! While Ranma was blinded there was another flurry of motion that she would not have been able to block even if she could see, and then her trousers were down about her ankles as the rope around her waist had been completely untied and tossed aside like garbage!
"Ah, it is even more splendid than I have imagined!" Kuno crooned. He grabbed hold of Ranma's hands and kissed the back of them. Yuck! This was getting more gross by the second! "The irresistible seduction technique, the sword of the phoenix! The legends were true!"
Irresistible seduction technique? What was this loser on about? Anyone that needed something like that was as bad as that old man so far as Ranma could tell!
"I had been merely transporting this egg for safe keeping," Kuno bemoaned, even putting the back of his hand against his forehead. "Yet it seems as though fate had other ideas in mind. Now, Ranma Saotome! You will have no choice at all but to agree. You shall become my wife, the fair Tendo sisters shall become your male form's wives... and then we shall all be a big happy family together, without breaking the law of the land!" He whipped out a pair of paper fans and laughed. "It is destined! There is no escaping it! Ohohohoho!"
Oh, and here was Ranma thinking that kicking Kuno in the face was a good idea <i>before</i>. She had no idea that this guy had such perverted plans for his girl form. And that doofy looking bird was giving her the evil eye. She had to work out something before this situation got even -
"Hi Ranma!" Akane cheered. "Hi Kuno," she jeered. "Wait a minute... Ranma! Put some clothes on! You could always have at least a little bit of feminine modesty in that form!"
Her voice caught the bird's attention. Huh? Wait... it was looking at Akane now, the exact same way it had looked at Ranma right when it had hatched! Hang on... Didn't that mean it was going to -
"W-Wait, foolish bird! Cease at once!" Kuno yelled, but the bird was quite clearly not interested. It hauled him physically along right towards Akane, squawking and flapping its wings all the way. Honestly, under normal conditions he'd have found this view pretty funny, but given what that bird had done so far... "My target is Ranma Saotome! Do not attack Akane Tendo, she will be mine in due course without your assistance!"
"Akane, run!" Ranma yelled.
“Huh? Run? Ranma it’s Kuno he’s-” That’s when the bird reached Akane’s chest and started pulling up her blouse. <b>”Gah! Pervert!</b> The arm holding Akane’s umbrella tried to smash down Kuno’s head to the ground, but the bird flew to the left and started tugging up her skirt!
"Ah! Sweet paradise!" Kuno said, and wouldn't you know it that was the very last nerve. Ranma tugged her trousers up and strode forward, planting her foot right on the small of Kuno's back. "Ooh, yes! I always knew that you preferred dominant play, Ranma Saotome!"
"If I say run, then you -" Ranma began to yell, right until he noticed what the bird had done to Akane's blouse. It had been all bunched up, the material pulled up and tucked into her breasts. It was showing off quite a bit. Not as much as Ranma had seen in the hotspring that one time, but... Oh gosh, it was warm out here all of a sudden.
"Oh no, it's simply terrible!" yelled an old man. A different old man. This guy actually had something that resembled a normal human figure. He pulled out a camera and quickly took pictures of both Ranma and Akane, which very nearly made Ranma stand off of Kuno's back - until the bird started pulling towards Akane again. "The perverted Phoenix has been unleashed atop the head of a complete and total degenerate! Now it shall unleash the torment of its irresistible seduction technique upon countless women until his no doubt endless lust is sated!"
"Akane, could you please grab that guy by the scruff of the neck for me?" Ranma asked.
"Yes dear," Akane tersely answered, stomping off towards the old man. Gosh, but something about that angry walk made Ranma feel funny. She grabbed the guy by the lapels and lifted him up. "Like this?"
"Great. Now ask him what the hell this bird's all about."
"What the hell is this bird all about?" Akane yelled. Then turned back to look at Ranma. "Like that?" She nodded in agreement.
"That bird... is the accursed perverted Phoenix -"
"We got that part already!" Ranma interrupted. Then she noticed they were drawing quite the crowd of people. Several of them also taking pictures. Of her. Of Akane... "Guh! Let's - Let's get back home and discuss this there! You've got a lot of explaining to do old man! And you'd better come to, Kuno!"
"Inviting me to your home!" Kuno swooned. "Oh, the technique is working its magic already. By tomorrow night we shall be in each other's arms, and you can forget all about curses and boy forms! "
Ranma’s face turned a little green, “Why is he doing this.” she muttered to himself, before stomping harder onto Kuno’s back, “Shut up you little-” This, tragically, gave the bird leverage to leap at her again. “Gaaaahhh!”
<hr>
If there was anything at all that Soun Tendo did not much care for about the modern age, it was the bizarre fashion sense of the latest generation. This feeling was compounded somewhat when he beheld his youngest daughter strolling in through the front gate with her skirt half hanging off her waist, her blouse mostly unbuttoned and her sleeves partly off her shoulders.
"Akane, you'll catch your death of cold if you dress like that," he warned, and in so warning earned himself a rather hot stare from Akane's aura-head. Oh! He'd taught his daughters his favourite technique far too well! Ah, he caught a familiar glimpse of red that could only be Ranma's shirt and so he turned towards him to ask Ranma to make sure that Akane was not indulging in this ludicrous fashion trend - only for him to begin to weep as he saw that even boys could not be truly safe from- oh dear it was even worse when the boy was a girl. The barely buttoned shirt… well.. Soun coughed and tried to look stern. “Son, what do you have to say letting yourself and fiance dress like-”
<i>Tink tink tink tink tink</i> Soun noticed that behind Ranma was the Kuno boy. And on the Kuno boy’s head was what looked like a giant chicken nugget with eyes and a beak, pecking at a pane of glass Ranma was holding behind her.
This was about the time where Soun's shoulders sagged and he decided to take Genma up on that offer to go out drinking tonight. If this was how life was when he was sober, then being drunk couldn't make the world make any less sense.
<hr>
So there they were, sitting around the table. Just the four of them. Ranma, Akane, Kuno and the old shopkeeper who sold the egg to Kuno in the first place. Kuno was sitting with his arms crossed and eyes closed, while both Ranma and Akane were glowering a hole through the old man's head.
"Well?" Akane eventually asked. "What's this stupid perverted pigeon thing supposed to be?"
"Perverted phoenix!" the old man corrected. He took out his camera, and again took a quick picture of the two of them. Ranma cracked her knuckles. She wouldn't actually hit a weak looking old guy like him if she could help it, but he didn't have to know that. "Oh, it's terrible! It's awful! Sharing this secret is so shameful that I probably wouldn't do it even if I was slapped in the face with a big roll of cash!"
Kuno reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of cash, and then slapped the old man in the face with it.
"Alright, then I suppose I should get on with it!" Oh, he was one of <i>those</i> kinds of shopkeeper. You know. An idiot. "The Perverted Phoenix was once a perfectly ordinary Phoenix."
"A perfectly ordinary bird made of fire that reproduces by burning itself to ashes," Akane deadpanned. Both Ranma and Kuno looked at her askance. "What? I really like Greek mythology. I can have hobbies and interests outside of martial arts!"
“Like cooking?” Ranma asked, thinking of her time pre-jump.
Her expression brightened, “Yeah!”
“Not that kind of Phoenix girl!” The shopkeeper shouted, “The other kind. Though… err... Yes this will burst into flame and be reborn into a new egg someday.”
“So it is that kind.” Ranma nodded. Honestly, at this point she was kind of expecting it the second the shopkeeper had denied it. Gosh, this jumping around had made her cynical pretty quickly hadn't it? Or maybe it was a lifetime of dealing with her old man that had done the trick?
"Anyway!" the shopkeeper interrupted. "This particular phoenix was bred by a lonely old letch to help him find female companionship. The bird took his lessons to heart, and then, alas, that perverted old fool passed on before he could make use of these lessons... But the bird still remained. Throughout the ages, those unfortunate enough to place the phoenix's egg upon their head have found themselves with the unending curse... Of a harem full of women they find sexually appealing, hanging around them dressed in skimpy clothing! Oh, the humanity! Oh the unnecessary eroticism!"
“How is that a curse for the man and not for the women!?” Akane shouted, holding up the pane of glass as the bird noticed her. Her unbuttoned blouse slipped a bit, and Ranma had to turn away in case she saw something that she wasn't meant to.
"Oh dear me, no. The women all like it, according to the historical records. Something about the bright light of the Phoenix having a calming, soothing effect?"
Ah. Now Ranma's eye was twitching quite a bit. "A calming soothing effect?! There's nothing at all calming and soothing about that bird! We've got to keep that stupid bird from going after anyone else!"
"Who wants ice cream?" Kasumi called, entering the room, and immediately the bird noticed her. While both Ranma and Akane did their best to hold Kuno back, all they managed to do was accidentally tear his hakama right off his back, and long story short, now Kasumi had joined them around the table wearing only an apron and her underwear. "Well, I did not expect anyone would be so enthusiastic about dessert..." Kasumi mused.
"My most sincere apologies," Kuno said, now sitting at the table with only his trousers on. "Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you, the innocent Miss Kasumi Tendo, become a victim of the dreaded bird!"
"Well, the bird does imprint on women that the technique's user finds appealing," the old man said. "So, at some level you must desire her..."
“Well, she is a very lovely and traditional young woman.” Kuno admitted, “And I must say that apron is quite-” Akane threw a pillow into Kuno’s face.
“Eyes off Kasumi!” Akane yelled. "And eyes off me! And off of Ranma too!"
"Hmph!" Kuno sulked. "Well, at the very least you can take solace in the fact that Nabiki Tendo is safe from this bird's attacks. That girl is utterly repulsive. Her behaviour, reprehensible. She’s a demon! A monster wearing women’s skin. Oh Nabiki Tendo! She’s-”
“Behind you Kuno-baby.” Nabiki had come in mid-Kuno Rant. “So why is Kasumi putting on a show? Did Ranma finally make a move?”
<b>”Squaaakkkkkk!!!”</b> The bird rotated and locked eyes with Nabiki, and charged forward with Kuno being dragged behind it! Only to hit the book Nabiki had been holding.
“Well this is interesting. New pet?” Nabiki said.
“Four women? This young man is quite the letcher.” The shopkeeper said, before whipping out the camera and taking a picture of Kasumi. "The bird will stop imprinting on new women according to its host's levels of brazen depraved lustful urges, you see. Usually most are satisfied with two or three, it's actually rather rare for someone to be sick in the head enough to want four."
Ranma wondered just how that logic worked. Of course, she had three wives technically so she probably shouldn’t speak up about that. Especially not when there was another question on her mind.
"So... What now?"
- Now they have to wait for the old shopkeeper to prepare the pellets that will eventually get rid of the bird.
- Shampoo, Ukyo or both arrive. As if things weren't complicated enough!
- Happosai catches wind of the phoenix, and plans to make use of it.
- Kasumi decides to help by adjusting some clothing. Ranma tries not to stare
- Something else
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